Falling in love with the potential...

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icequeen

icequeen

Active member
#1
Nov 8, 2019
192
122
43
#1
I have a positive view on most people. We are all created in the image of God after all. And I see the good and also beauty in everyone. And everyone has a potential. But does this approach make me gullible? Possibly. I have failed more than once (albeit just marrying once, and indeed he had a huge potential, but not even a special ed teacher like me could make him live up to it). I can either save or change people, so I have stopped trying. And as there is hardly a perfect match, it is better to face that I am better off alone. And to be honest. I don't even have a potential myself in most people's view. Of course people can change, but the change is, as with following Christ, based on the principle of free will.

So my question to you are: Are you in the habbit of falling in love with the potential, or are you realistically a sceptic to all until proven false?
 
A

Adstar

Senior Member
#2
Jul 24, 2016
7,481
3,521
113
#2
When i have loved someone i just loved them.. I never made any calculations as to their ""potential"" I was never looking to gain something from them..
 
Lynx

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
#3
Aug 13, 2014
25,375
8,385
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#3
"A woman marries a man hoping he will change.
A man marries a woman hoping she will never change.
Both are disappointed."


I forget who said that, but it was said by a wiser person than I.
 
Lynx

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
#4
Aug 13, 2014
25,375
8,385
113
#4
icequeen said:
I have a positive view on most people. We are all created in the image of God after all. And I see the good and also beauty in everyone. And everyone has a potential. But does this approach make me gullible? Possibly. I have failed more than once (albeit just marrying once, and indeed he had a huge potential, but not even a special ed teacher like me could make him live up to it). I can either save or change people, so I have stopped trying. And as there is hardly a perfect match, it is better to face that I am better off alone. And to be honest. I don't even have a potential myself in most people's view. Of course people can change, but the change is, as with following Christ, based on the principle of free will.

So my question to you are: Are you in the habbit of falling in love with the potential, or are you realistically a sceptic to all until proven false?
Click to expand...
By the way, howdy from the distant past. I hope things are going well for you.

I don't know so much about a husband, but I have before prayed that you would find peace. I hope you found it.
 
cinder

cinder

Senior Member
#5
Mar 26, 2014
4,387
2,389
113
#5
Potential is nothing without hard work. And you can't do someone's hard work for them. You also can't be an effective ally in someone's fight against their demons if they would rather pal around with them than fight them.
 
MsMediator

MsMediator

Well-known member
#6
Mar 8, 2022
995
638
93
#6
It's too risky to date/marry someone assuming their personality or habits (anger issues, addictions, etc.) may change. I am one who would cancel them after the first date or two, as soon as I find out. There was once a guy who was very nice but told me he struggled with anger. I didn't want to find out so I no longer saw him.

There is another type of potential, not really personality or habit related, that I would pay closer attention to and willing to take a risk. Does this person have goals? What is his plan for the future? If he is struggling at the moment but is hardworking and has big plans, I would be willing to take that risk. However, not taking a risk on personality or habit issues.
 
JohnDB

JohnDB

Well-known member
#7
Jan 16, 2021
5,770
2,256
113
#7
icequeen said:
I have a positive view on most people. We are all created in the image of God after all. And I see the good and also beauty in everyone. And everyone has a potential. But does this approach make me gullible? Possibly. I have failed more than once (albeit just marrying once, and indeed he had a huge potential, but not even a special ed teacher like me could make him live up to it). I can either save or change people, so I have stopped trying. And as there is hardly a perfect match, it is better to face that I am better off alone. And to be honest. I don't even have a potential myself in most people's view. Of course people can change, but the change is, as with following Christ, based on the principle of free will.

So my question to you are: Are you in the habbit of falling in love with the potential, or are you realistically a sceptic to all until proven false?
Click to expand...
Isn't this more along the "falling in love with the idea" than actually falling in love with the reality?

Often confusing....

And if you were able to coerce, strong-arm, cajole, or entice someone into being and reaching their potential....would you still respect them and follow their leadership blindly?
OR
Would you always be suspicious of them "falling into old habits" when you didn't understand or agree with their choices.

But....
Of those I've known as special Ed teachers....there's a huge wall of separation from work life and personal life...they almost have this switch inside of themselves that toggles between the two roles.

And if you have the issues you are suggesting....then you are having issues with work/life balance. (Boundaries) Work is interfering with your life and how you treat us "normals" if such a thing could be said about us.
 
Subhumanoidal

Subhumanoidal

Well-known member
#8
Sep 17, 2018
3,745
2,913
113
#8
icequeen said:
I have a positive view on most people. We are all created in the image of God after all. And I see the good and also beauty in everyone. And everyone has a potential. But does this approach make me gullible? Possibly. I have failed more than once (albeit just marrying once, and indeed he had a huge potential, but not even a special ed teacher like me could make him live up to it). I can either save or change people, so I have stopped trying. And as there is hardly a perfect match, it is better to face that I am better off alone. And to be honest. I don't even have a potential myself in most people's view. Of course people can change, but the change is, as with following Christ, based on the principle of free will.

So my question to you are: Are you in the habbit of falling in love with the potential, or are you realistically a sceptic to all until proven false?
Click to expand...
It's actually not uncommon at all for women to look at men as what they could be rather than what they are. Believing they will change the man, mold him into what she wants. Of course that's a failed view. And doesn't work.
If you're unable to accept a person as they are then you aren't really interested in them at all. You're interested in who you think they can be.
And also willing to accept who they may become. Within reason, of course.

Men tend to look at women as though who they are now will be the same in 20 years. Naturally people grow and change. So this is the issue men have to be careful of.
 
K

Karlon

Well-known member
#9
Mar 8, 2023
2,024
853
113
#9
icequeen said:
I have a positive view on most people. We are all created in the image of God after all. And I see the good and also beauty in everyone. And everyone has a potential. But does this approach make me gullible? Possibly. I have failed more than once (albeit just marrying once, and indeed he had a huge potential, but not even a special ed teacher like me could make him live up to it). I can either save or change people, so I have stopped trying. And as there is hardly a perfect match, it is better to face that I am better off alone. And to be honest. I don't even have a potential myself in most people's view. Of course people can change, but the change is, as with following Christ, based on the principle of free will.

So my question to you are: Are you in the habbit of falling in love with the potential, or are you realistically a sceptic to all until proven false?
Click to expand...
1st, i'll say i hope you are relaxed, calm & loose in all this in a "Jesus" way. don't allow yourself to get upset, depressed or distressed. 1 day at a time. now, my answer to the ? i have never fallen "in love" in my dating years. i didn't "feel" anything special. but after a while, i figured out that i was to kind & giving with women. the more i treated a date kindly & respectably, the more i was mistreated. & that was 1 way i knew the world is evil. girls just simply said in the heads, " he's a softy, i can get anything i want from this guy"! so even when i married my wife 7 + years ago, i didn't feel anything like falling in love. but it was the right move. instead of "the magic" deteriorating after a year or 2, we keep getting along better & better. & that is a very rare occurrence to occur in marriage. praise the Lord Jesus!!!
 
icequeen

icequeen

Active member
#10
Nov 8, 2019
192
122
43
#10
Karlon said:
1st, i'll say i hope you are relaxed, calm & loose in all this in a "Jesus" way. don't allow yourself to get upset, depressed or distressed. 1 day at a time. now, my answer to the ? i have never fallen "in love" in my dating years. i didn't "feel" anything special. but after a while, i figured out that i was to kind & giving with women. the more i treated a date kindly & respectably, the more i was mistreated. & that was 1 way i knew the world is evil. girls just simply said in the heads, " he's a softy, i can get anything i want from this guy"! so even when i married my wife 7 + years ago, i didn't feel anything like falling in love. but it was the right move. instead of "the magic" deteriorating after a year or 2, we keep getting along better & better. & that is a very rare occurrence to occur in marriage. praise the Lord Jesus!!!
Click to expand...
Thank you for your thoughts. I have kind of moved away from all kind of dating, perhaps because I have been burnt too many times. But in hindsight I see that my mistake was that I had an unrealistic attitude towards it all. As someone here pointed out here, is that I come with a baggage that is unfair to burden a spouse with. It was harsh, but I see it is better to accept my limitations.
 
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