there seems to be this idea in christianity today that God plays matchmaker between christians and he'll bring someone into your life, apart from a few exceptions in the Bible where people were brought together for specific reasons like mary and joseph there is no evidence God plays cupid.
I saw this post on the list of recent posts, and I wanted to comment, even though I am married. God does not 'play cupid', since Cupid was one of the false gods of the Greeks from the pagan days. Abraham said that the LORD would send an angel before his servant to find a bride for Isaac.
God certainly can direct and lead people in finding a spouse. There are all those wonderful promises about praying in faith and receiving in the Bible, and those apply to pray for a spouse as well.
On the other hand, I sympathize with you, and I do believe some groups promote an extreme view on this.
The Bible does not teach men to be passive if they want to have a wife. The Bible says that he who finds a wife finds a good thing and receives favor from the Lord. Finding can take some effort. In the Old Testament Jeremiah tells Israelites to take wives, and to take wives for your sons and to give your daughters in marriage. Parents were even to be involved in it.
American culture and some other western cultures don't have any kind of social customs for helping children get married. Friends don't help much, and accepting such help can be looked down on. When you have preachers telling people God will make it just happen, that doesn't help much. In some countries, pastors may try to help match people up. In the US, in (a small minority of churches), there are pastors saying not even to look for a spouse.
I can't say I've come across preachers preaching this doctrine, but I've run across individuals who seemed to think God makes marriages just happen without any effort on our part.
In my case, I was looking for a wife. I was living in Indonesia, and spending a Christmas over there caused me to desire to pray more intensely for a wife. I'd been praying, but I prayed for the Lord to speed things up. I prayed all kinds of things like that, many of which happened. I felt like the Lord... maybe we telling me.. I met my wife in February. I'd meet my wife that month. My wife was praying that the Lord would just hurry up and send her her husband.
I visited a Bible college. A missionary who worked there suggested I go to the library and see the English books. I had this conversation with a beautiful young woman there. She told me later, she knew I was the one she'd been praying for when she met me. She didn't let on. Actually, we were both fishing for hints while talking on the phone after we met. I went home praying whether this woman was supposed to be my wife after I met her. We both had a sense of it.
I didn't cause myself to meet her. God answered that prayer. But I did put forth some effort to get to know her.
The Bible says "if you marry, you have not sinned." A Christian who is legitimately allowed to marry (e.g. not married to someone else) who marries another believer who marries in a right and honorable way, has not sinned. He doesn't have to get some kind of vision that this woman has to be his wife. There doesn't have to be lightening bolts from heaven.
But God can direct believers in this area of their lives as well, just like any other area. And if we pray and ask for God to direct us, he certainly can. I remember praying for the Lord to send an angel before me to find my wife, too.
It's unethical to promote this idea he does because it can cause christians who've ended up in abusive or terrible marriages to blame God for matching them with that person even if that person was a claimed christian.
I don't think this is a legitimate complaint. If someone says "God told us to marry" and God did not, that person is making a false claim. That might qualify as a false prophesy as well, and/or bearing false witness of God.
If a couple has a bad marriage, that doesn't mean God did not direct them to marry, either. Two people can get married, and then not do their part in treating each other right.
I am more concered with people who say if God did not tell two people to get married by some supernatural means that they aren't really married. I haven't heard that idea from the pulpit, but I did see some bearded fellow on YouTube who had a lot of viewers who seemed to have an idea like that.
For men especially telling them to not actively pursue relationships will result in a girl never approaching you either unless you are model good looks.
I agree that is an irresponsible thing to teach. Why put rules and restrictions on men? It probably wouldn't hurt men who are extremely social and charming and talk to everyone a lot. That can turn into a relationship.
I am getting close to 40 and I was fed the lie of not pursuing a relationship and just waiting on God for a relationship and it never happened.
'Ora et labora' is Latin for 'pray and work'. Are you actively looking for a wife? You can look for a wife. But it can be really hard to find one who likes you who you hit it off with who is godly with the appropriate values and temperment to be a good partner. That is especially the case for those who are particular about who they marry. And we do need God's help finding someone like that.