help! new to this 'friends first' concept...

[styler]

hi everyone:

new to this site and glad to have joined. I decided 4 years ago that I wanted all future relationships to be God’s way. So I purposely did not date so I could focus on improving my poor self-esteem, anxiousness and neediness I get when I like someone, as it results in me allowing men to treat me poorly and sacrificing some of my values.

i apologize in advance that this is wordy!!

This guy and I have worked at the same place for over a year, but have barely crossed each other’s paths (he works graveyards, i work in the office). he showed up at the Christmas staff party and I got the sense that he tried to be around my conversations and then chatted a bit directly to me. about 2 weeks later he came to my office at the end of his shift to chat with my co-worker (who he knows well), but I was also included in the conversation. he talked to my co-worker about how he was hurt a while ago and is just now over it, but still not looking. he also started talking about how he believes in being friends first, not romantic. (i wondered if he spoke of this for me to hear?)...anyways this is when i started being interested, but since he’s Christian and shy, I can’t read him!!

he came by 1 week later to chat. since my patience is not great, i decided to make a move as i hate wondering. so i sent him a couple of e-mails, but he took at least a day or two to respond and they were very short replies without trying to continue the conversation. so i made another move and e-mailed him my phone # and told him that i wanted to get to know him and to contact me if he wanted to go for a hike or something. he came to my office a week later (i assumed he wasn't interested by this point) and asked “you meant to hang out as friends, right?” I said yes, and he seemed relievde, but nervous. He did however say that there are some people at work that he would like to get to know better (me?) so i should plan an event. i told him to e-mail me to confirm this (i needed him to make a move) and he said he would. 4 days later didn't hear from him so i sent him an e-mail and as nice as possible told him to contact me within a couple of days to make plans or i will assume he is not interested in getting to know me. he came to see me the next morning. he made every excuse in the book: i'm very busy, i'm a procrastinator, etc. and I told him that people need to communicate to get to know each other. He did, however, set a date for the event (2 weeks from that day) and also suggested getting some people together to watch a hockey game at my place. To my surprise he e-mailed me the next day with a date to watch the game which was sooner than the event. I suggested that we watch it alone in order to have a good conversation, but he said he felt it would be more fun with other people. (?)

The e-mail communication improved over the next few days, but now I haven’t heard from him for over 2 days. Yes, we have the plan to watch a hockey game at my place this Wednesday, but the communication did slow down; doesn’t matter how busy you are, if it’s important to you you will respond!

Is he truly a good Christian guy that wants to do things God’s way which includes friends first and only group activities, and I just am not used to it and I’m allowing my anxiety to direct me? Or does he just not have a specific interest in me, and he’s just being polite with me; why would things seem so difficult? I also believe in friends first, but is it normal to take making group plans this slow? Or am I expecting too much at this level and am too focused on it? Specifically, how does being friends with a guy without any other interest differ from being friends with a guy where there is an interest to potentially date down the road?

I am praying daily that God would close this door if he’s not my guy. But it still seems open a bit??

 

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

ummm i dont think what you wanted to post actually posted.....

 

[styler]

oops, i think it's working now!

 

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

he doesnt seem interested at all.

 

[styler]

thank you for being straight! BUT wondering if you could provide some feedback with that? what other reason would a guy 'come out of the woodwork' if he's has no interest?

 

[lightbliss]

I know that if a guy that I didn't know (as a friend/really well) wanted to "get to know me," I'd definitely be hesitant and I wouldn't want to spend time alone with him... AT ALL. I think having groups dates would help him be more open and comfortable with you and see that you're not a maniac.

I don't think he's not interested per say but maybe he's trying to guard his heart. He probably thought, A woman wants to spend one-on-one time with me at her place. I know for me that would be a big no, as this is usually how people "fall into sin"/rumors start/boundaries are blurred. Maybe he thinks you want to have sex with him at your place? Perhaps you should clarify.

Anyway, no need to rush. I think he's doing the right thing by seeing how you are instead of diving right into a serious relationship with you (if you've noticed, this is how many people get hurt). Friendship takes time, trust a bit longer, but I think it'll be worthwhile for the both of you to be comfortable in the other's presence.

When you're just friends with a guy, you can hang out. No pressure. But when you have the goal of potentially being in a bf/gf relationship with him, you may get disappointed when he does something that wouldn't normally bother you.

I think that if you find yourself liking him during the course of your friendship, that's okay because you know him as a person, so there's no need to date in order to "get to know each other."

If you've decided that you'd like to his girlfriend before you're actually friends, you could find yourself in the never ending friend-zone. If this is the case (just make sure you've been actual friends for more than a few days ), I think you should make it clear to him that you'd like to have that sort of relationship with him someday.

Regardless, I don't think someone should ever not respond to your emails (unless they can't because they're somehow impaired), that's just rude (but if I were emailing them endlessly, I wouldn't be suprised [not that you were but I know from experience... with my mom]).

 

[styler]

thank you light bliss for your response. i really do want and believe in the frienship first, but i just would like to know that he some feelings for me so i don't waste my time. i've dated guys that barely paid attention to me and while this guy is under no 'obligation' at this level to call me, respond to me, etc. i fear that his current actions may reflect his dating actions.

i'm very tempted to cancel the game night and tell him that i need someone who is ready to be more attentive even if it's just as a friend.

i do have a feeling that he is a relationship virgin. so that makes him harder to read too.

 

[lightbliss]

Ah, I don't think you should cancel game night, you could have lots of fun.

I know it can seem like a lost cause but why leave when things initially don't go your way? It would be impressive if you'd stick around. If you left, he probably just see you as another woman with the motive of being with him; not a real potential friend. He'd probably feel jaded but a bit relieved that the relationship didn't progress (OR maybe not. Really, at this point, I'm just stating how I'd feel if I were in his situation).

I've been putting a lot of focus on him, so now I'm going on your side!

If you've done this before (similar situation, different man), I really can't blame you for feeling the way you do. Who wants to be dragged along by someone... who doesn't even return your emails promptly? I don't think you should put so much of yourself into this guy, especially since he's making you go bonkers. I know it may be hard since you may really want this relationship to happen but think of it like this:

If you stick around, something more might come out of your friendship with him. He could be more trusting and you could see more of his true self. Maybe you'll be bf/gf or maybe not. You never know what will happen in the future, so what do you have to lose by being his friend?

I think during this time you should definitely ask yourself if it's worth the effort. Will he be more open with time or is this him? Are you willing to find out or since you've taken so many chances before, are you already over it?

In the end, regardless of the advise you receive, the only decision that's important is yours. I hope can you relax and make whatever the right decision is for you. God Bless and I'll pray for you and your situation.

 

[TDRI24]

A Christian should prayerfully seek the direct providential leading of God in providing a companion for life. He is more concerned about who you marry then you are because its often the husband or wife that determines how faithful you are to God, how spiritual (you) are and how far you go in fulfilling God’s purpose in your life. So you better believe God is interested in who you marry. (would this imply unequally yoked as a possibility among Christians? Absolutely, you don’t marry some one just because they are a “Christian&#8221 Most ignore seeking God about this issue in their life and let emotions, feelings and customs decide who their life’s companion will be basing much of the decision on the outward appearance. 1 Samuel 16:6-7. Emotion and feeling have a lot to do with it but should not be the determining factor. You should seek God’s direction in the decision making. Abraham’s servant prayed for God’s direct leading in selecting a wife for Isaac. He believed God would direct him and He did supernaturally. You can claim a husband or wife on the basis of God’s promises in His Word.(all God’s promises are yes and in Him amen) It will help you in your marriage knowing God is the one who selected him or her. If you pray for God’s will to be done about your life’s companion you won’t be an American statistic (50% divorce rate) (unless the Lord builds the house)

 

[TDRI24]

The basis for all things is seeking first the Kingdom of God and His Righteousness. Matthew 6:33. One definition of righteousness has been said to be “seeking to know God’s will and doing it”. Seek His desires, wants wishes and complete will. Have fellowship with Him in every sense of the word “fellowship” and continually meet the requirements of fellowship as set forth in His scriptures. In Mathew chapter 6 we see Jesus mention things gentiles seek. Husbands and wives can fit under this same category. The world “seeks” after finding mates all the time. Examples of that being eharmony.com, (even a“christiansingles.com&#8221 dating services, match.com, bars and socializing to “hook up” as well as a host of TV shows promoting “finding” the “right” one. It ever fills the topics of a plethora of books and movies saturating the core undertones of art and entertainment. It is plastered all over the media and is a never ending theme in one form or another in almost every social setting. The world’s secular expression of male female relations saturates and permeates our culture. But what does God think about it? How do we as Christians find out who we are to marry? Its to be done by Faith. Faith works by love. Perfect Faith has a foundation in perfect love. One who loves God perfectly obeys God perfectly. Faith is complete, total, trust and reliance on God. One should want perfect faith. Faith doesn’t question in doubt. When a “possible perspective” member of the opposite sex crosses your path, its not faith to wonder or question if he or she is going to be "the one". Its not faith to question or wonder “is this the one? or “maybe this is the one.” God already knows who you are going to marry and doesn’t want you walking in any form of doubt or unbelief regarding thing.

 

[styler]

thank you again lightbliss. and thank you TDRI24. there's a lot here for me to think about and pray about. i have been praying a lot about it as i know God doesn't want me to bring people into my life that will not be healthy for me. i wonder if he's trying to teach me to avoid unhealthy relationship instead of encouraging them like i have in the past. but on the other hand, if i kept God in the centre of my life things would fall into place. i guess the flesh seeks attention and approval so much it can shadow what our true purposes are. society questions why i'm still single at age 36. and in the Christian world it's not often i meet people single at this age. living in this sinful world makes it challenging to hear from God at times.