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Liamson

Liamson

Senior Member
#1
Feb 3, 2010
3,078
69
48
#1
I got flaked out on for a thing I was going to, by a girl that I was testing the waters on.


It made me realize that boundaries go both ways.


In one sense, there is the normative, "Don't smother me" boundary. You know, the I need my space cause I have a life, and it would not be beneficial for either of us to suddenly change focus and have it revolve around each other.


Understandable.


However, there is another boundary. This one is on the back end.


If I talk to someone once a week, and hang out once a month. I would say I'm not interested. But for some people this is their comfort zone. I respect that, but I also know that for me, that is not enough.


If I've asked someone out and they say yes, have a good time and then plan to go out again, that seems like its starting to become a thing. However, when communication becomes sparse and dates become infrequent, I have to wonder, what exactly have I signed myself up for.



so this is my question, and this is not my circumstance, only my inquiry....


What is the minimum amount of time you would spend with someone you were starting a relationship with?
 
B

BananaPie

Guest
#2
#2
Liamson said:
What is the minimum amount of time you would spend with someone you were starting a relationship with?
Click to expand...
Minimun? 3.14 hours daily.

Maximun? The rest of his life if he's into pi and stuff. ...just saying. :)
 
D

Donkeyfish07

Guest
#3
#3
<--------- Hates flakes with a purple passion
 
Desdichado

Desdichado

Senior Member
#5
Feb 9, 2014
8,768
837
113
#5
One date night out of the week.
 
G

GreenNnice

Guest
#6
#6
The Lord leads.
Heavy prayer and looking for His signs of what is perfect to do will come to you, liamsON.
It might sound super spiritual but it's His super
Spirit inside us that speaks to us regarding things of this nature and, I guarantee it, God will want you to be upfront with the girl no matter what . Let God know the time you are spending with someone is too infrequent and that you need to understand why, have faith, go to the girl and find out if she can commit more time to the relationship. If I like a girl, I would be spending a lot of time with her, that shows her you like her, and, lessens your chances, too, of her thinking you are not that into her and so she goes and friends another guy she likes.
Communication is the key, God wants us to speak to Him for all things, and, let Him know if you're in a relationship that is bringing you down and He will show you how to be lifted up and on to a higher ground with that girl, or, to be brave and cordial in speaking to her in letting her go, which could come after one hour or one year or longer. But, you're serving Him, living for Hiim, you will know the perfect amount of time to go out with her. :)
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Liamson

Liamson

Senior Member
#7
Feb 3, 2010
3,078
69
48
#7
Look for signs?!

I rail against that. More than anything.
 
wisebeardman

wisebeardman

Banned
#8
Mar 22, 2013
4,718
124
63
Indiana
#8
no idea. I get annoyed with people pretty quick. sometimes just someone showing up annoys me.
 
G

GreenNnice

Guest
#9
#9
Heavy prayer and looking for His signs of what is perfect to do will come to you, liamsON.
It might sound super spiritual but it's His super
Spirit inside us that speaks to us regarding things of this nature and, I guarantee it, God will want you to be upfront with the girl no matter what .

God's signs, of what God wants you to do, based on her comfort zone different than yours for how frequent you date, brother . I might sound confusing, but, I am not talking about looking for JUST her signs. First, look to Him, for all things, relatoinships included. :)
 
B

biscuit

Guest
#10
#10
Liamson said:
I got flaked out on for a thing I was going to, by a girl that I was testing the waters on.


It made me realize that boundaries go both ways.


In one sense, there is the normative, "Don't smother me" boundary. You know, the I need my space cause I have a life, and it would not be beneficial for either of us to suddenly change focus and have it revolve around each other.


Understandable.


However, there is another boundary. This one is on the back end.


If I talk to someone once a week, and hang out once a month. I would say I'm not interested. But for some people this is their comfort zone. I respect that, but I also know that for me, that is not enough.


If I've asked someone out and they say yes, have a good time and then plan to go out again, that seems like its starting to become a thing. However, when communication becomes sparse and dates become infrequent, I have to wonder, what exactly have I signed myself up for.



so this is my question, and this is not my circumstance, only my inquiry....


What is the minimum amount of time you would spend with someone you were starting a relationship with?
Click to expand...
That would depend on the time you two can agree to. Some couples work, go to school or do both. Both couples may have unlimited amount of free time. But it is really about "quality time" that is enjoyable.
 
K

keep_on_smiling

Guest
#11
#11
If I was starting a relationship with someone I'd think we'd be talking almost daily or every other day and seeing each other at least once a week.

But starting a relationship is different than getting to know someone (at least in my eyes), which could be talking every now and then and seeing each other a couple times a month.
 
I

iTOREtheSKY

Guest
#12
#12
If a long distance relationship in the begining,then daily talking on the phone and or skype/PM's/IM's...everything possible.

If the person is in the same city,then talking daily by phone for sure,and physically spending time together at least 4 days a week. Obviously both parties have to consider work,families,church...stuff of that nature,but other than being at your job,I see no reason why both people wouldn't want to spend as much time with one another as possible,especially in the beginings of their relationship. (or even when wanting to get to know someone deeper)
 
J

Jullianna

Guest
#13
#13
At the beginning, once or twice a week would be enough time for me to see them, with a couple of calls in between, maybe just to say goodnight or something. As relationships grow, time together will likely grow as well, as you begin to discover things you both like and may like to do together.

As biscuit said, you may have different schedules (work, school, kids, etc.), so it's important to be flexible and considerate.
 
Misty77

Misty77

Senior Member
#14
Aug 30, 2013
1,746
45
0
#14
Minimal contact, taking into account work schedules, opposite custody schedules, etc.: Daily texting, 3 or more phone calls a week, biweekly dates. Obviously, I prefer more time together, especially in the exciting early days.
 
Liamson

Liamson

Senior Member
#15
Feb 3, 2010
3,078
69
48
#15
iTOREtheSKY said:
If a long distance relationship in the begining,then daily talking on the phone and or skype/PM's/IM's...everything possible.

If the person is in the same city,then talking daily by phone for sure,and physically spending time together at least 4 days a week. Obviously both parties have to consider work,families,church...stuff of that nature,but other than being at your job,I see no reason why both people wouldn't want to spend as much time with one another as possible,especially in the beginings of their relationship. (or even when wanting to get to know someone deeper)
Click to expand...


Depends. I know people are different. And we are talking about minimums.

People do need space. And "as much time as possible" is going to burn one or both people out.


I know if I don't get my space, I feel trapped. I mean, its not like I'm going to tell someone that I'm interested in, "go away" but honestly, If I'm spending all day every day with them, my life is going to suffer, or theirs will.


I once dated someone that I Could Not see all the time, and when I did get to we dropped everything to hang out. Which worked because my schedule was ridiculous with me being gone all the time and she was flexible. This is the exception to the rule.


Normal people with normal lives I think at a minimum, at least once every 2 weeks should see each other deliberately.

But I also believe that contact should be initiated by both people. I don't want to feel like, everything is my idea or we only do what I want to do.
 
I

IloveyouGod

Guest
#16
#16
That's a good question Liamson. I actually think there shouldn't be that pressure of limited specific amount of time. Things should go smooth. It's different from one person to the other. Some can take a short amount of time to get to know the other person n' some cannot. Mind you, if I REALLY wanna know someone well, I should take my time without rushing it. But that's just me. Some people might start slowly. As in at the beginning they wanna have their space till they get used to seeing you more frequently n' for you to become part of what they do in their lives after being single for so long, n' that's fine. But later on you two should take enough time to get to know each other without any pressure or any rush.



Liamson said:
I got flaked out on for a thing I was going to, by a girl that I was testing the waters on.


It made me realize that boundaries go both ways.


In one sense, there is the normative, "Don't smother me" boundary. You know, the I need my space cause I have a life, and it would not be beneficial for either of us to suddenly change focus and have it revolve around each other.


Understandable.


However, there is another boundary. This one is on the back end.


If I talk to someone once a week, and hang out once a month. I would say I'm not interested. But for some people this is their comfort zone. I respect that, but I also know that for me, that is not enough.


If I've asked someone out and they say yes, have a good time and then plan to go out again, that seems like its starting to become a thing. However, when communication becomes sparse and dates become infrequent, I have to wonder, what exactly have I signed myself up for.



so this is my question, and this is not my circumstance, only my inquiry....


What is the minimum amount of time you would spend with someone you were starting a relationship with?
Click to expand...
 
Grace-Like-Rain

Grace-Like-Rain

Senior Member
#17
Sep 6, 2013
4,430
117
63
#17
I went out with a guy a few months ago who was very straightforward about our mutual needs. We both had kids. He wanted to begin courting me. He said he knew trying to talk everyday on the phone would be hard - what about three times a week? Meeting every weekend would be impossible, what about every two weeks? And then just emailing in between. I really loved that he was being so thoughtful, understood where I was coming from as a parent, and didn't want to crowd me OR leave me wondering what to expect from him.

(I wasn't ready to even think about courting, and have since decided to stay away from dating altogether for this stage of my life, but speaking with him gave me a good idea of what I need in the way of communication and expectations in the future.)
 
J

just_monicat

Senior Member
#18
Jan 1, 2014
1,284
17
0
#18
if you're truly at the beginning of a relationship, the minimum would be once or twice a week, and i'd expect to talk to them on the phone at least a couple more days.

i can't imagine not have a quasi discussion about this subject at some point early-ish on. schedules have to dictate as well.

one thing that matters is how we spend our time. as much as i love watching a movie with a guy, i don't want every single time i see him to be some passive activity where i don't feel like i'm getting to know him any better. i really cherish those times where you can make dinner together or do some activity that allows me to actually hear how his mind works.

"emotional interaction" must be relatively commensurate with actual time spent. it matters almost as much.

does that make sense?
 
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K

kayem77

Guest
#19
#19
If we were starting a relationship, but we already knew each other (at least enough to have agreed we want to be together), I think once or twice a week would be the minimum for me depending on our schedules. I think the beginning of the relationship is the most exciting part, so I would probably want to spend more time together, but even once a week would work if we were busy, but in between I would need phone calls or texts, or something to let me know he cares about me. Since my love language is quality time, I just can't afford to miss that.
 
K

kayem77

Guest
#20
#20
just_monicat said:
if you're truly at the beginning of a relationship, the minimum would be once or twice a week, and i'd expect to talk to them on the phone at least a couple more days.

i can't imagine not have a quasi discussion about this subject at some point early-ish on. schedules have to dictate as well.

one thing that matters is how we spend our time. as much as i love watching a movie with a guy, i don't want every single time i see him to be some passive activity where i don't feel like i'm getting to know him any better. i really cherish those times where you can make dinner together or do some activity that allows me to actually hear how his mind works.

"emotional interaction" must be relatively commensurate with actual time spent. it matters almost as much.

does that make sense?
Click to expand...
Makes complete sense. I feel the same way :). I'm not really a ''oh let's watch a movie together'' person. I enjoy the talking and the actual getting to know each other part, which also involves different activities that would show me his character, like doing a sport, playing a videogame, or going somewhere fun.
 
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