idk if she is interested in me

Grace-Like-Rain · Jan 16, 2015

OP, I think you already know that it's unwise to pursue this relationship right now. As you said, she sounds like she just wants to have fun, and trust me... that would not end well for you. Partying at her place... wanting to have fun... she sounds like she's offering you physical "benefits" without any heart attachment. She is either pregnant or has a baby, as well, which complicates things in a huge way.

You need to protect your heart and gently let this one back into the pond. She does not need to be dating right now. She needs to get her life together and raise her baby. Do both of you a favor, and back away... that is my advice to you.

I know it's really hard to feel unattractive, and have someone who seems interested in you, and want to snap it up while you can, whatever "it" is. But in the end, you'll have heartache. You DO have a lot to offer a woman, and you deserve to have a woman who loves and cares for who you are. Be confident. Know your worth in Christ. Be wise. Guard your heart.

JonahLynx · Jan 16, 2015

fantasiafelice said:

Mostly I'd just be repeating what others have already said. But you should seriously consider if a single mother with a new baby who is obviously not looking for a serious relationship and plans on partying in her house/apartment is the type of woman you should invest your time and heart in. Are you prepared to raise someone else's kid in a relationship you yourself are unsure about from the get-go?

No one can make the decision for you, but I would be praying about this 24/7 and thinking about the consequences.

cinder · Jan 16, 2015

jaybird88 said:

I think you lack imagination

The worst that could happen is she says yes and strings him along and takes advantage (either intentionally or unintentionally) of his willingness to help her out for months, or even years if he lets her, without any interest in settling down into a proper monogamous relationship.

fantasiafelice said:

That's pretty much her saying she doesn't want a serious relationship. Is this gal a believer and interested in following God's commands for relationships? If not she probably isn't even looking to date you exclusively (not if she's saying stuff like that), she may just be looking for a nice guy for when she feels horny.

Hormones can make anyone stupid (though I'm not a guy so I'll let the guys speak to how male hormones make men stupid in these matters). Desire and lust are not synonymous and you sound like you generally care for this gal, not like you are lusting after her and scheming how to get her to serve you and meet all your needs.

Other things I'm thinking: Do you suffer from my problem of wanting to help hurting people and then getting attached and not knowing how to get out of the situation because it feels like betraying and abandoning a friend to stop being there for a hurting messed up friend?

Is there any part of you that thinks it will work out and that this will be a path to something other than heartache and regret? If so, what evidence supports that idea?

She want to go out with you and bring you back to her place to "party", but she's also encouraging you to date other people at the same time? Sounds like a woman who is looking for a fling or is just so lost and hurting she's grabbing at anything she can to keep from drowning in it. It's a very difficult thing to be the supportive opposite sex friend for the long haul, especially if she is going to be hitting on you or trying to turn your friendship into some sort of pseudo-relationship.

You have some tough decisions to make, but in my view the sooner you two have a serious conversation and define the parameters and boundaries that your friendship/relationship is going to have, the better and wiser you will be able to proceed. Also, please give her a good amount of time to really get over splitting up with her current guy (and adjusting to being a mom) before officially filling that boyfriend slot in her life.

jaybird88 · Jan 16, 2015

cinder said:

or she could be the love of his life and he will never know.

Grace-Like-Rain · Jan 16, 2015

jaybird88 said:

Does it sound like that to you, from either his responses or his quotes of her responses?

Roh_Chris · Jan 17, 2015

I would advise you against dating her, given the circumstances.

First of all, she is pregnant. Though it is not clear to me whether she was in a relationship which fell apart or whether she had a fling, there is no doubt that her pregnancy poses a big challenge for her. She will need a lot of support emotionally and perhaps, even financially. You will have to find out whether she is using you for her needs.

Secondly, I am not sure about her salvation. Is she saved? Has she accepted Christ as her personal Saviour? If she has, would she do it again if she was to be given a second chance?

Thirdly, you have said, and I quote -

fantasiafelice said:

It sounds to me like she is not looking for a relationship right now. Perhaps it is a fling. Or perhaps she wants to use a guy for her supports. Or perhaps she just wants a good friend. You will have to find that out for yourself. My feeling is that she is looking for a good friend in you. I don't think she is looking for anything more than that, right now. But, please remember that she could be going through a lot herself. Please pray and proceed carefully so that you don't get hurt in the end.

fantasiafelice · Jan 17, 2015

thanks for all your replies, i'm going to be supportive right now,

i think she needs a friend, it must be rough for her just now so she needs someone like me to talk to,

and i think i will just treat her like a friend and no more

who knows what will happen in the future but right now we will remain friends

jaybird88 · Jan 17, 2015

Grace-Like-Rain said:

i have no idea. i am weird cause kids have always been a big bonus for me being as i have always liked kids but i understand there are many guys that see them as pain in the a** baggage. if it were me i would rather make a mistake asking her out rather than live the rest of my life wondering what might have been.

Sirk · Jan 17, 2015

Entering a relationship from a place of insecurity is not a good idea. It takes two A plus people to make an A plus marriage.

fantasiafelice · Jan 17, 2015

she actually asked me out but i don't think it means anything, likes its not like a date or anything i think

i think she just wants to help me find someone genuinely like as a friend,

if anything did happen between us i love kids so that is not an issue i don't think

Sirk · Jan 17, 2015

fantasiafelice said:

I speak from experience when I say that step children will push every insecurity button that you possess.

Moose_Almighty · Jan 17, 2015

fantasiafelice said:

I think everyone here gave wonderful advice! As for this woman you're talking about, I would just be vigilant and place her in the friendzone for now. Continue to figure out her motives, come to us and talk about it, we'll have your back 100% fellow broski!

I just wanted to add, please stop putting yourself down...AHHHH!!! lol. Man, you're one of God's children, whether you like it or not you are absolutely handsome the way you are. Look in the mirror and know that you're a piece of art that God specifically created. He didn't have to create you, but he did. Embrace the love that is God's creation of you...

Tip-Time:
When it comes to conversing with the ladies, there are three things that woman notice in a man...

1: Looks, 2: wealth, 3: $100,000+ luxury car...
^haha, just having fun...

The other truth:
1: Confidence, 2: Mystery, 3: Be Yourself.

I would usually send this privately but i'm sure there's some other gentlemen that would love to hear this as well.

Confidence:
You just need to believe in yourself and don't let anyone get the better of you. There's going to be a lot of people with dirtbag motives but know that you're worth a damn and whoever disagree's isn't worth your time. Unfortunately gaining confidence is not something that happens over night, you have to practice stepping out of your bubble and taking risks when it comes to meeting new people. It's like if you're not good at public speaking when it comes to doing speeches, presentations, or whatever related. The only way to get better at public speaking is to practice in public until you find your comfort zone. Same applies when talking to the ladies... Now for future sake, say you do admire a woman and you want to talk to her. Just have fun and be polite, initiate the conversation with this woman by not having the intentions or goal to pick her up. Have some simple and easy topics prepared in your mind that you would like to discuss with her. If you need example's, let me know and i'll be more than happy to message you some. Let these topics flow after another and join in by discussing your own personal views and stories within the topic. As a bonus, try to make her laugh! You want to be friendly, inviting, and the most important thing JUST BE YOU!

Always keep eye contact, don't be looking around into space or at her other womanly features when talking to her. After 5-10 minutes of talking, make a closing statement such as "Well i'm sorry to make this short, I have go do so & so (meet my brother/sister (whatever clever excuse)etc.), is it alright if I can have your number?" If you were friendly and engaging, at least 75% of woman will openly give you their number. That other 25% will either be taken or are just not interested. (Don't be ashamed if they do say no, with the odds and different personalities among woman, even the likes of George Clooney would get a no here and there.) Just have fun with it and after a few trials and errors you'll start to get comfortable with yourself and it will become second nature. That's when you'll start walking down the street in slow motion with funky music playing in the background. All the ladies you pass will give a second glance with a smile while slowly licking their upper lip. You'll be giving winks back and they'll faint in awe... They'll start calling you the heart break kid...

Haha, CC and Lynx, please don't shoot me down for that one lol. But in the brotherhood of Christianity, this advice is not to be abused to make yourself a player. Only passing this on to help you build confidence and to comfortably engage yourself in conversations with the ladies.

Mystery:
Don't ever tell a woman your life story whether it's through text or in person. Furthermore, do not over flirt with her by flooding her with compliments and or gifts. That will overwhelm the lady and it makes you look like a stage 5 clinger. Make your conversations short and sweet and to the point. Watch the movie Top Gun, watch how Maverick operates with his lady friend and that's what i'm talking about when conversing with mystery, short and sweet, and to the point. It really does not matter what you look like as far as your weight, physical features, or whatever, (and that goes for every man!) It's all about how you carry yourself as a person and through conversation.

Plus you're one of God's children, you're as good looking as 24 carat gold.

Be yourself:
You are your own flavor of personality dude, there's no one in this world like you! Don't ever be ashamed about anything, just be yourself. Do the things you love to do, do the things that make you happy in life! If someone you like has some personal beliefs that are opposite of yours, don't change your beliefs for them, continue to keep your beliefs true to your heart. Don't be afraid to say no either, there are woman out there who's motives are to find easy guys... They know the game and know how to spot them. They will flatter these guys and they will use these guys, they will milk them for every penny and or luxury. Once they got what they wanted, they'll leave the guy and do the same thing to another guy. Be vigilant about that and if you're asked to do something that you don't want to do no matter the situation, be polite and tell them NO! Lastly, Never be a yes man, (meaning that you're saying yes to everything a woman ask's you to do.) The effort to make her happy is there and admirable but you will get absolutely nothing in return... You will only dig your own grave with that one my friend.

I truly believe that God has someone for everyone and it's usually a timing thing. For now just enjoy the little things in life, do practice conversing with the ladies but don't worry about finding love and continue to do the things you love to do. Be inviting and engaging, let love find you. You'll know when it happens, you'll see it in her eyes and everything will just flow like magic. Until then just enjoy life and have fun!

If you need anything at all, i'm happy to help a brother out!

God Bless!
-Moose_Almighty-

Mitspa · Jan 17, 2015

fantasiafelice said:

Ask her! tell her what your thoughts are...if they don't match hers? At least you know! When in doubt..be honest

secularhermit · Jan 17, 2015

" Other things I'm thinking: Do you suffer from my problem of wanting to help hurting people and then getting attached and not knowing how to get out of the situation because it feels like betraying and abandoning a friend to stop being there for a hurting messed up friend? "

These ones are a blessing, because those ones are loving and properly attached (except when choosing wrongly).

secularhermit · Jan 17, 2015

Mitspa said:

That´s the quickest way! but I hope she also talks with her truth, coherently with DEEDS, otherwise, he´ll be hurt (and abandoned).

many people were helped (in her situation) and, after sometime, they returned to their loved one (because of the baby) and, sometimes, they were left (the ladies) with and additional baby and, in either of the cases, ladies lose more at the end of the day (and that is unloving)

jogoldie · Jan 17, 2015

fantasiafelice said:

I know I'm chiming in late here but as you can guess I have an opinion.....
First of all I have been overweight.....and I was still beautiful to someone....
as a woman I can tell you that if a girl wants you for your looks .....she is not a person you want to open your heart to.......shallow....tread lightly my friend....she is on a rebound .....she needs safety....your her friend......appreciate the friend zone.....as this is the best way to get to know someone.....being more than that at this time would be a false love and your heart will be hurt...
Take your time be her friend and see where it goes......there is someone for everyone...
Peace.......jo

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