IYRKM

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J

juststopandthink

Guest
#41
#41
Not for me, good pal 'o mine! :D

I think you're super cool.
"But you're under the 18-month threshhold," your dark side says to the rest of yourself.
"Shut up and sit down, mean not-really-part-of-the-new-creature-in-Christ-that-is-Duchess!" says I.

I'm glad you didn't delete it so I could reply and say this hurriedly typed thing before I left on a wee trip.
 
J

juststopandthink

Guest
#42
#42
My previous reply was supposed to be in response to this.

My forum-fu is weak.

DuchessAimee said:
I am a huge coward.

I believe myself to be unworthy of just about everything.

My heart breaks for most situations and the pain that people are in.

When my mother dies I will be completely alone in this world, and that terrifies me.

I had an infectious disease about 6 years ago that changed my DNA. The disease is no longer active, but because I was sick for so long, I'm now unable to do things I thought I'd be able to do.

I think that anyone who loves me will leave once they figure out who I actually am. It seems to take about 18 months.

I stay away from people because it feels like I just can't take any more pain and rejection.

I rarely let myself feel the gravity of the pain I'm actually in.

I believe that there must be something fundamentally wrong with me because my own father couldn't love me. Technically, he's a diagnosed sociopath, and I know from my schooling/training that he isn't capable of love. Nonetheless, he still refused to love me. My head and my heart fight about his often.

The whole time I've been typing this I've wanted to delete it. Who knows? Maybe I will.

I believe that me writing about relationships and love will have to be enough for me. I was told as a little girl that I couldn't count on a man ever loving me, and as y'all can see, I realize why it was said to me. And it's okay. It has to be.

I'm kind of a slob.

I'm in a mild panicked state because telling y'all this stuff will change things. It always does.
Click to expand...
 
J

just_monicat

Senior Member
#43
Jan 1, 2014
1,284
17
0
#43
DuchessAimee said:
I am a huge coward.

I believe myself to be unworthy of just about everything.

My heart breaks for most situations and the pain that people are in.

When my mother dies I will be completely alone in this world, and that terrifies me.

I had an infectious disease about 6 years ago that changed my DNA. The disease is no longer active, but because I was sick for so long, I'm now unable to do things I thought I'd be able to do.

I think that anyone who loves me will leave once they figure out who I actually am. It seems to take about 18 months.

I stay away from people because it feels like I just can't take any more pain and rejection.

I rarely let myself feel the gravity of the pain I'm actually in.

I believe that there must be something fundamentally wrong with me because my own father couldn't love me. Technically, he's a diagnosed sociopath, and I know from my schooling/training that he isn't capable of love. Nonetheless, he still refused to love me. My head and my heart fight about his often.

The whole time I've been typing this I've wanted to delete it. Who knows? Maybe I will.

I believe that me writing about relationships and love will have to be enough for me. I was told as a little girl that I couldn't count on a man ever loving me, and as y'all can see, I realize why it was said to me. And it's okay. It has to be.

I'm kind of a slob.

I'm in a mild panicked state because telling y'all this stuff will change things. It always does.
Click to expand...
your post is courageous and touched me deeply, and there's definitely aspects that i can relate to.

also, i have a hard time seeing you as a coward. you sharing this post sort of belies your point, along with other things you've shared in previous times.

perhaps the most courageous thing we can do as humans is allow ourselves to be seen.

this may not apply to you, but i think there's a misnomer that people who are "brave" aren't afraid, and "cowards" are fearful.

almost every "brave" thing i've done in my life had some fear associated with it.
 
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J

Jullianna

Guest
#44
#44
Stopping here to say a prayer for the needs we read in this thread. I hope others will do the same. Please bring healing, direction, revelation and restoration, Father.

Thank you all, especially for respecting my request to allow people to post openly, cathartically and free from harassment. God bless you for that. That couldn't happen in other forums. :)
 
lil_christian

lil_christian

Senior Member
#45
Mar 14, 2010
7,489
73
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27
#45
If you really knew me:

When you ask how I'm doing, usually with a pang in my stomach and a bit of conviction, and I say, "I'm doing good/fine/okay." a little more than half of the time I lie. It's because people always ask why and sometimes I feel like I can't talk about it. When I do, I just hear the same things over and over again. I feel like I complain too much anyways. Sometimes I don't even have a solid reason on why I feel so... depressed. This past week I've felt like I've just flat out lied about how I'm doing and how I feel.

Well. That certainly didn't make me sound like I'm a lunatic.
 
rachelsedge

rachelsedge

Senior Member
#46
Oct 15, 2012
3,659
81
48
34
#46
lil_christian said:
If you really knew me:

When you ask how I'm doing, usually with a pang in my stomach and a bit of conviction, and I say, "I'm doing good/fine/okay." a little more than half of the time I lie. It's because people always ask why and sometimes I feel like I can't talk about it. When I do, I just hear the same things over and over again. I feel like I complain too much anyways. Sometimes I don't even have a solid reason on why I feel so... depressed. This past week I've felt like I've just flat out lied about how I'm doing and how I feel.

Well. That certainly didn't make me sound like I'm a lunatic.
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You're not a lunatic. :) I'm guilty of the same thing. It seems to be a robotic conversation when people ask:
Person 1: Hey! How are you?
Person 2: I'm good. How about you?
Person 1: Good!
.....*crickets*

The grammatically correct response would be, "I'm doing well", not "good". But, I digress. :rolleyes:

Sometimes when people ask, they're just being polite, so if I were to give them an actual answer, they either wouldn't care or they'd think it was TMI. For the ones who do care, it's still sometimes hard to open up, isn't it? Or I just gloss over things, or make excuses. Sometimes it's just hard to put into words, or I feel stupid for feeling the way I do.
 
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lil_christian

lil_christian

Senior Member
#47
Mar 14, 2010
7,489
73
48
27
#47
rachelsedge said:
You're not a lunatic. :) I'm guilty of the same thing. It seems to be a robotic conversation when people ask:
Person 1: Hey! How are you?
Person 2: I'm good. How about you?
Person 1: Good!
.....*crickets*

The grammatically correct response would be, "I'm doing well", not "good". But, I digress. :rolleyes:

Sometimes when people ask, they're just being polite, so if I were to give them an actual answer, they either wouldn't care of they'd think it was TMI. For the ones who do care, it's still sometimes hard to open up, isn't it? Or I just gloss over things, or make excuses. Sometimes it's just hard to put into words, or I feel stupid for feeling the way I do.
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Grammar, Schmammar. :p

Yeah...it's so hard to be genuine. To have a genuine concern on how someone is doing. I personally don't mind someone saying they have an issue or they're struggling, but not everyone is like that. A lot of times people ask just to ask. It's the nice thing to do. Not because they actually care. So we are polite back and say, "I'm fine. I'm doing well. I'm good, heck, I'm great." even if we're screaming inside.

No wonder we're all to the point when someone does want to know, we can't put it into words. We've almost forgotten how to.


(If you really knew me...you'd know my brain is always going, and I think about stuff like this a lot. lol)
 
K

keep_on_smiling

Guest
#48
#48
If you really knew me....

You'd know that talking to people stresses me out (I am always pre-talking in my head what I'm going to say, even as I'm talking out loud, and it makes me stutter a bit). This happens with family and coworkers. I never used to be this way. It's hard to get my thoughts across. Only time I don't do this is with my students.

Though I feel I'm making some progress, it's so hard for me to trust people. Because of family situations, I often don't trust someone unless they've given me reason to do so. I think even people that are close to me would be shocked that I don't trust them.

My life is on track to where those around me expected it to be, but deep down it's nowhere near where I wanted it to be. I'm praying God will give me direction and contentment. As well as the strength to keep depression out of my life.


I pray for you all in this thread, that the Lord will bless you in all the areas that you struggle with. I pray that He will reveal to you a deeper understanding of His love for/of you. I pray even for those that read this thread and want to post, but can't. I pray that God touches your heart and opens you up for healing where it's needed.


Thank you, Jullianna for this thread!
 
J

Jullianna

Guest
#49
#49
Thanks for showing us how big your brave is. If there's no fear, it's not bravery.
 
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