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A
It's interesting to say this like it's a good thing, because to me that's a bad thing. Well, it's a bad thing if you want it to lead to marriage. See, with my second boyfriend because he lived two hours away, our time together was limited and special, but our relationship would have been a lot more... I guess genuine, if we had a chance to do hang out more and do things that were a bit more mundane. Surprisingly, I corresponded his next girlfriend and when she broke up with him (or maybe when she wanted to) and I asked her why she said that he was immature around his friends and that really turned her off. And I was like "Well, I guess I could see that, but I've seen him so very little of him around his friends and only once in a group of friends, so I don't really know what he's like in that situation." In other words, there was a big part of his character that I was unable to observe because we only got together during special date time, which was usually on my own turf.
If a couple is to get married, I think they should spend lots of time together doing mundane, boring and even stressful things. If that time is special, then it gives you a better idea of if you're right for each other.
I have a boyfriend right now and he only lives 15 minutes away. However, I see him less than I did my first boyfriend who lived in another town and didn't drive. It would be possible for me to see him a lot but he's a busy grad student and he doesn't have time. So, although I know that he really likes me, and I have a lot of respect for his schooling, his job and his commitments at church, the reality is that he's not making me a priority. So, while that hurts, I'm glad that I know that because it helps me to evaluate what kind of future I have with this guy. If he lived far away I wouldn't think twice about how little I see him and therefore I wouldn't know this important information about the priority (or lack there of) that our relationship has in his life.
But, on the other hand, it can work the opposite way too. If a guy's willing to drive two hours just to hang out with you, he's probably really into you.
It's interesting that you say there is no risk of immorality, because that has not been my experience. I mean, obviously there isn't the risk of going too far physically with your significant other if they live far away. But my experience is that it increased the temptation to flirt with other guys. And to make matters worse, I'd justify it out of self-pity because my boyfriend lived in another province and I never saw him, and his absence made me all the more lonely. Of course I was also 17 and immature. Then when we were together, the temptation was greater than ever because we felt we had to make the most of our time and I had to get physical intimacy to "last me" until the next time I saw him. But of course, that's silly because making out doesn't really make one feel less lonely in the absence of the other person, if anything it makes it worse. But on the other hand, I heard that if you're together too much then you end up making out just to break up the monotony. A friend in grade 8 told me that sometimes she made out with her boyfriend just because they were bored. I thought that was so strange when she said it, but now I can see it. I guess there's no easy way to get around sexual temptation, other than relying on the Holy Spirit for strength.
If a couple is to get married, I think they should spend lots of time together doing mundane, boring and even stressful things. If that time is special, then it gives you a better idea of if you're right for each other.
I have a boyfriend right now and he only lives 15 minutes away. However, I see him less than I did my first boyfriend who lived in another town and didn't drive. It would be possible for me to see him a lot but he's a busy grad student and he doesn't have time. So, although I know that he really likes me, and I have a lot of respect for his schooling, his job and his commitments at church, the reality is that he's not making me a priority. So, while that hurts, I'm glad that I know that because it helps me to evaluate what kind of future I have with this guy. If he lived far away I wouldn't think twice about how little I see him and therefore I wouldn't know this important information about the priority (or lack there of) that our relationship has in his life.
But, on the other hand, it can work the opposite way too. If a guy's willing to drive two hours just to hang out with you, he's probably really into you.
It's interesting that you say there is no risk of immorality, because that has not been my experience. I mean, obviously there isn't the risk of going too far physically with your significant other if they live far away. But my experience is that it increased the temptation to flirt with other guys. And to make matters worse, I'd justify it out of self-pity because my boyfriend lived in another province and I never saw him, and his absence made me all the more lonely. Of course I was also 17 and immature. Then when we were together, the temptation was greater than ever because we felt we had to make the most of our time and I had to get physical intimacy to "last me" until the next time I saw him. But of course, that's silly because making out doesn't really make one feel less lonely in the absence of the other person, if anything it makes it worse. But on the other hand, I heard that if you're together too much then you end up making out just to break up the monotony. A friend in grade 8 told me that sometimes she made out with her boyfriend just because they were bored. I thought that was so strange when she said it, but now I can see it. I guess there's no easy way to get around sexual temptation, other than relying on the Holy Spirit for strength.
A
That's right. My sister and brother-in-law did A LOT of work preparing for marriage, but she said there's no real way to prepare yourself for guy not being really excited to see you because he sees you all the time. Like, if you only have a few hours a week together you can be really romantic and stare into eachother's eyes and stuff, but when you're married you can't do that all the time because you have to live your life. And, at some point he needs to play his video games and check his e-mail and fantasy league stats and whatnot. He wouldn't normally do that kind of things at your apartment, because it's now his apartment too. In other words, when you're married, you find out all the stuff he normally does at home in your absence. And the less you hang out before you're married, the harder that transition is going to be.
J
Because I have a friend who had a bf for 3 years and when she came here things started to be bad between them because of the distance, (he didnt trust her, and she didnt trust him) although they both were like soul mates, anyhoot she ended with another guy..
So I wont have a long distance relationship never ever!
So I wont have a long distance relationship never ever!
Sometimes, Ancilla Long-Distance can be worth it. Sometimes it can give you perspective and will show you how you truly feel about the other person. I agree long distance can be difficult, but maybe its just God testing your patience and faith. Love isn't about the physical attraction or even emotional feelings. While yes they are involved, how would you feel about the person if they were suddenly and horrifically burned in a house fire? Or if they were suddenly paralysed? Anyone who may have experienced either of these senarios, knows what I mean.
If you stick with the person, its not really because of how they look. Love is about seeing more than the physical. Its seeing the mind, personallity, and respecting them for it. You then choose to love the person despite the "uglyness" and probably don't even see the "uglyness" The emotional aspect comes later.
Anyway, I see long-distance relationships the same way. As you get to know the person (assuming they are telling the truth), and yes you do need to meet at some point., and assuming you have come to repect them, love will come, and then that person will in your mind be no more than a few feet from you and 1000km will mean nothing if it means seeing them again. Just to be in their company even for a few days.
And then of course both people have to decide whether they are willing to sacrfice something in their lives for the other person. If they aren't then obviously they love themselves more. Love is about giving to the other person without question or strings and not taking. If both parties give 100% then it will probably work.
That's just me though. Feel free to poke holes
If you stick with the person, its not really because of how they look. Love is about seeing more than the physical. Its seeing the mind, personallity, and respecting them for it. You then choose to love the person despite the "uglyness" and probably don't even see the "uglyness" The emotional aspect comes later.
Anyway, I see long-distance relationships the same way. As you get to know the person (assuming they are telling the truth), and yes you do need to meet at some point., and assuming you have come to repect them, love will come, and then that person will in your mind be no more than a few feet from you and 1000km will mean nothing if it means seeing them again. Just to be in their company even for a few days.
And then of course both people have to decide whether they are willing to sacrfice something in their lives for the other person. If they aren't then obviously they love themselves more. Love is about giving to the other person without question or strings and not taking. If both parties give 100% then it will probably work.
That's just me though. Feel free to poke holes
A
It can be worth it, provided the couple thinks they will be living in close proximity in the forseeable future.
I'm confused, what does physcial attraction have to do with the topic of long-distance relationships.
Marriage is about more than love. If you're wanting a relationship to move towards marriage, you need to get to know them. When you're getting to know someone by e-mail or whatever, not only can they lie to you but there are so many other things about their character that you can't observe. Like, think about what you know about me. Well, precious little obviously, but even we were a couple [you're male, right? I can't check your profile from here] and I gave you my picture and poured my heart out about everythign to you, there's still so much you'd never know about me because it must be observed and not just told. Like, from there you can't tell that my appartment is a bit of a mess, you don't know what my relationship with my family is like, you don't know how I react when I get angry. Like, I can tell you that my family and I are really close and that when I'm very patient (I'm a behaviour therapist for children with autism, so that kind of comes with the territory) BUT, you'd have to observe that, and I don't mean just an occasional visit, I mean like a day to day observance, to really know. Anyway, speaking of autism, I need to get to work.
I'm confused, what does physcial attraction have to do with the topic of long-distance relationships.
Marriage is about more than love. If you're wanting a relationship to move towards marriage, you need to get to know them. When you're getting to know someone by e-mail or whatever, not only can they lie to you but there are so many other things about their character that you can't observe. Like, think about what you know about me. Well, precious little obviously, but even we were a couple [you're male, right? I can't check your profile from here] and I gave you my picture and poured my heart out about everythign to you, there's still so much you'd never know about me because it must be observed and not just told. Like, from there you can't tell that my appartment is a bit of a mess, you don't know what my relationship with my family is like, you don't know how I react when I get angry. Like, I can tell you that my family and I are really close and that when I'm very patient (I'm a behaviour therapist for children with autism, so that kind of comes with the territory) BUT, you'd have to observe that, and I don't mean just an occasional visit, I mean like a day to day observance, to really know. Anyway, speaking of autism, I need to get to work.
Well Ancilla, With long-Distance relationships you aren't constantly around a person. I don't know about you but I've found that when in proximity to someone you are interested in, the mind tends to get foggy. Decisions are made based on the chemical high. But with long distance relationships you have a chance to come off the high and think rationally. The physical attraction (attraction based on a persons looks) can also be avoided right from the start. You get to know a persons personality, rather than being dazzeled by their looks.
I've seen too many people who completely skipped the friendship stage of a relationship because they got hung up on the emotional high and thought that was love. Once they came down, they discovered they had nothing in common but a physical attraction and relationship. It didn't last long after that.
Long distance allows you to focus more on the friendship part as the distance seperates. Think of it as the old Grandma sitting between two people courting while pretending to be a part of the wood work
Sorry if I didn't explain what I meant well. My brain seems to work faster than my mind.
I've seen too many people who completely skipped the friendship stage of a relationship because they got hung up on the emotional high and thought that was love. Once they came down, they discovered they had nothing in common but a physical attraction and relationship. It didn't last long after that.
Long distance allows you to focus more on the friendship part as the distance seperates. Think of it as the old Grandma sitting between two people courting while pretending to be a part of the wood work
Sorry if I didn't explain what I meant well. My brain seems to work faster than my mind.
when you are dating someone, do you see them every second of every day?
I think we are sort of saying the same thing from two different view points. Maybe not.
I'm not saying that you should jump into a marriage right away with the person on the other end. You start with a friendship, and if you seem to have some interests in common then arrange to meet. If the interest is still their then try arranging to meet more often. Yes, it may be several years before this sort of thing becomes marriage if it ever does. Its about what the other person is worth to you. Are they worth a two thousand mile trip a couple times a year for instance? Love comes with time.
Perhaps after a while the other person may mean enough to you to risk moving. Then the close proximity part of a relationship can start. The friendship will still be there even if the bigger relationship doesn't work out.
Right now for instance I'd be willing to move if I met someone I felt was worth getting to know better, because I don't have a home or much of a life where I currently live. I just happen to live here at the moment.
I'm probably just confusing you more and to be honest I'm sort of confusing myself. Which isn't too hard to do either.
So again, this is just my opinion.
I think we are sort of saying the same thing from two different view points. Maybe not.
I'm not saying that you should jump into a marriage right away with the person on the other end. You start with a friendship, and if you seem to have some interests in common then arrange to meet. If the interest is still their then try arranging to meet more often. Yes, it may be several years before this sort of thing becomes marriage if it ever does. Its about what the other person is worth to you. Are they worth a two thousand mile trip a couple times a year for instance? Love comes with time.
Perhaps after a while the other person may mean enough to you to risk moving. Then the close proximity part of a relationship can start. The friendship will still be there even if the bigger relationship doesn't work out.
Right now for instance I'd be willing to move if I met someone I felt was worth getting to know better, because I don't have a home or much of a life where I currently live. I just happen to live here at the moment.
I'm probably just confusing you more and to be honest I'm sort of confusing myself. Which isn't too hard to do either.
So again, this is just my opinion.
A
That's a strawman falicy, and it's the logical falicy that gets to me the most. If you ever watch Fox News than you've heard many of them. The idea behind it is that you take the extreme positon of your opponent and then tear down that postion. So like, if you're in a debate and your position is that we should be doing more about poverty among seniors, your oponent might say "Well, we can't all make the millionaires..." Well, you shouldn't respond to that because it's falicious.
But, falicious it might be, I'll take exeption and answer your question. No, I don't see my boyfriend every second of every day. Obviously not because that would require living together which are not doing for obvious reasons, AND because I have a job and because my boyfriend is a grad student and he's a TA and he teaches piano lessons and he's the choir director at church and plays for another choir and he has composing and he has his own family and friends to attend to, all while trying to maintan an A- average. Needless to say, he doesn't spend as much time with me as he'd like to. BUT, we're not going to get into that. The point being is that although we don't see each other very much, we do get together at least once a week. If we were considering marriage, we'd need to spend a lot more time together.
Ok, let me put it this way. I don't know if I read I Kissed Dating Goodbye but I highly recommend it.* He talks about the 7 habits of highly defective dating, which are basically what he doesn't like about "dating" (a term he never specifically defines, this is the biggest flaw of the book). While most of them really just apply to teenagers, the one that really hits the nail on the head so to speak is "Dating creates an artifical environment for evaluating another person's character." I saw an episode of Dr. Phil once where a newly wed woman was complaining that while she and her husband was dating he'd spoil he with gifts and they'd have lots of fun together. After they got married, reality set in. Well, of course, instead of dating and having fun with the guy after marriage you're doing the dishes together and that's just no longer fun. Or to put it another way. Christmas of 2007 my four year old nephew told me he was going to marry me when he grew up. I'm thinking "Of course you want to marry me, I see you once a year and when I do we bake cookies, decorate the Christmas tree and visit the zoo." He probably assumed that if he were married to me, life would be like that all the time. But really, if I lived next door to them and I baby-sat my nephew all the time and put him in time out when he misbehaved, he proably wouldn't think I was such a big deal. Does that make sense?
But, falicious it might be, I'll take exeption and answer your question. No, I don't see my boyfriend every second of every day. Obviously not because that would require living together which are not doing for obvious reasons, AND because I have a job and because my boyfriend is a grad student and he's a TA and he teaches piano lessons and he's the choir director at church and plays for another choir and he has composing and he has his own family and friends to attend to, all while trying to maintan an A- average. Needless to say, he doesn't spend as much time with me as he'd like to. BUT, we're not going to get into that. The point being is that although we don't see each other very much, we do get together at least once a week. If we were considering marriage, we'd need to spend a lot more time together.
Ok, let me put it this way. I don't know if I read I Kissed Dating Goodbye but I highly recommend it.* He talks about the 7 habits of highly defective dating, which are basically what he doesn't like about "dating" (a term he never specifically defines, this is the biggest flaw of the book). While most of them really just apply to teenagers, the one that really hits the nail on the head so to speak is "Dating creates an artifical environment for evaluating another person's character." I saw an episode of Dr. Phil once where a newly wed woman was complaining that while she and her husband was dating he'd spoil he with gifts and they'd have lots of fun together. After they got married, reality set in. Well, of course, instead of dating and having fun with the guy after marriage you're doing the dishes together and that's just no longer fun. Or to put it another way. Christmas of 2007 my four year old nephew told me he was going to marry me when he grew up. I'm thinking "Of course you want to marry me, I see you once a year and when I do we bake cookies, decorate the Christmas tree and visit the zoo." He probably assumed that if he were married to me, life would be like that all the time. But really, if I lived next door to them and I baby-sat my nephew all the time and put him in time out when he misbehaved, he proably wouldn't think I was such a big deal. Does that make sense?
A
Of course not. To accuse you of saying so would be using the strawman falicy.
See, the thing to remember is that every day you spend in a relationship with someone who is not the right one is time when you're not looking for the right one. So, if it takes you years to find out that the person you're with is not the one, then... well, I don't want to say that's a "waste of time" but it is.... Well, if you're goal is marriage, that's time not working towards your goal. It's just like if you had a career path in mind and then you spend three years in university working towards that and then find out that career is not what you want after all... I mean, learning is never a waste, and sometimes that situation is unavoidable. I mean, if I knew when I was 18 what I'm doing for a living now, I would have had a different university major. However, some people do find that their degree is not useful to getting the job they want, and not only did they spend four years of their life and a lot of work, but many of them also have tens of thousands of dollars in student debt. So... what I'm getting at is... I'll tell you later. I have to go back to work now.
See, the thing to remember is that every day you spend in a relationship with someone who is not the right one is time when you're not looking for the right one. So, if it takes you years to find out that the person you're with is not the one, then... well, I don't want to say that's a "waste of time" but it is.... Well, if you're goal is marriage, that's time not working towards your goal. It's just like if you had a career path in mind and then you spend three years in university working towards that and then find out that career is not what you want after all... I mean, learning is never a waste, and sometimes that situation is unavoidable. I mean, if I knew when I was 18 what I'm doing for a living now, I would have had a different university major. However, some people do find that their degree is not useful to getting the job they want, and not only did they spend four years of their life and a lot of work, but many of them also have tens of thousands of dollars in student debt. So... what I'm getting at is... I'll tell you later. I have to go back to work now.
M
I would say that for most Christians, long distance relationships are not the right way to go. However, when God brings the right person along, wherever they are, a relationship will develop (in some to most cases). God may use this to either test patience, or even use the time to work in the Christian's life to eradicate something.
My fiancee and I weren't planning to enter into a relationship from talking online, however, God must've seen fit to slowly show us certain things. It took a matter of months until we realised that we liked each other properly. I knew before (though not much before) we became a couple, that it was God's will for us to get married. We have now been a couple for more than a year, and have been engaged for close to 6 months now.
The distance does hurt, though we are waiting on God to open the right doors to get things moving.
The most important thing in any relationship is communication, honesty and love! If any one of these are not present - everything to do with it will fall apart!
My fiancee and I weren't planning to enter into a relationship from talking online, however, God must've seen fit to slowly show us certain things. It took a matter of months until we realised that we liked each other properly. I knew before (though not much before) we became a couple, that it was God's will for us to get married. We have now been a couple for more than a year, and have been engaged for close to 6 months now.
The distance does hurt, though we are waiting on God to open the right doors to get things moving.
The most important thing in any relationship is communication, honesty and love! If any one of these are not present - everything to do with it will fall apart!
M
I've been in several long distance relationships, and I don't think I would ever go that route again (unless the distance was small enough - like an hour or two away). I found that it made it too easy to build the guy up in my imagination into someone he wasn't. Plus, it can keep you from really knowing the person. It's easy to say that if you just talk on the phone or whatever, you get to know someone for who they really are, and while there is some truth in that, you don't get to see how they react in certain situations. My last relationship was distance, and it took me a lot longer to find out what a terrible temper he had than it would have if we'd lived closer together, because he chose not to show that side of himself to me until we'd been together for nearly a year.
I really think it depends on the person. I've known people who it worked for.
I really think it depends on the person. I've known people who it worked for.
A
Going long-distance can mean growing together or growing apart. It is important that you remember that if it is meant to be, let it happen. Don’t try to hold onto love if the other person doesn’t feel the same way because you could be missing something real. Just remember, that if you have to be away from each other it will be a challenge, but it won’t be the first one. It might even make your relationship stronger!
C
My best friend was off with the army for a year, It was hard, but we managed to work through it and our friendship became stronger. I know, it's not the same as a real relationship cus we were friends, but it felt like one. We started dating when he came back. If we end up married, and he has to leave again, the didtance will take a severe toll on our relationship, but we'll only come out stronger for it. We've done it before, and we'll do it again.