Looking at one another as your “brother” or “sister” first, before pursuing them (or not).....

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Mel85

Daughter of the True King
Mar 28, 2018
10,386
6,441
113
#1
I read a couple of posts and responses from some of you about looking at a potential spouse as a brother and sister first, before trying or being led to pursue them.

I was intrigued by this concept because;

1. What happens if you do look at them as your brother or sister in Christ, but then you start catching feelings for them but they don’t reciprocate the same feelings?

2. What happens if you “friendzone” them already and there’s no chance at all?

3. Do we also consider brothers and sisters who are much older than you, or younger and treat/love them as your brother and sister in Christ even with the age gap? (I already know the answer to this lol just asking anyway!).

4. The thought of loving a brother in Christ first, then catching romantic feelings doesn’t sit with me well.

I guess I raise these points because it is really a scary thought for me because I’ve never pursued someone deep enough to follow this kind of process. I like the idea of loving them as a brother first, but then I think, does this develop into something more spiritually as well as fleshly? Are we to love that brother or sister first, then God will open our eyes spiritually to see them differently? Can anyone share an experience or have heard of any experiences where this sort of courtship has happened?

Perhaps I’m over thinking and thinking “literally” lol this is all new to me, and I hope not to offend anyone by this, I am just being real and honest.

Thank you and looking forward to reading y’all responses fam! Lol 💜
 

OneOfHis

Well-known member
Mar 24, 2019
1,338
2,114
113
#2
I read a couple of posts and responses from some of you about looking at a potential spouse as a brother and sister first, before trying or being led to pursue them.

I was intrigued by this concept because;

1. What happens if you do look at them as your brother or sister in Christ, but then you start catching feelings for them but they don’t reciprocate the same feelings?

2. What happens if you “friendzone” them already and there’s no chance at all?

3. Do we also consider brothers and sisters who are much older than you, or younger and treat/love them as your brother and sister in Christ even with the age gap? (I already know the answer to this lol just asking anyway!).

4. The thought of loving a brother in Christ first, then catching romantic feelings doesn’t sit with me well.

I guess I raise these points because it is really a scary thought for me because I’ve never pursued someone deep enough to follow this kind of process. I like the idea of loving them as a brother first, but then I think, does this develop into something more spiritually as well as fleshly? Are we to love that brother or sister first, then God will open our eyes spiritually to see them differently? Can anyone share an experience or have heard of any experiences where this sort of courtship has happened?

Perhaps I’m over thinking and thinking “literally” lol this is all new to me, and I hope not to offend anyone by this, I am just being real and honest.

Thank you and looking forward to reading y’all responses fam! Lol 💜

I do believe it is wise to know someones beliefs and values before you open yourself up to them.

If they are Christian and your beliefs are similar in regards to the gospel, you will see them as a brother or sister.

Just because someone is saved and knows God is not enough to know if you two will be good for eachother in marriage.


"What happens if you do look at them as your brother or sister in Christ, but then you start catching feelings for them but they don’t reciprocate the same feelings?"
_
Then you tried your best. Keep on keepin on.


". What happens if you “friendzone” them already and there’s no chance at all?"
_

If they show interest in me, I provide closure.
If they do not, look we just gained a brother/sister and a friend.



"Do we also consider brothers and sisters who are much older than you, or younger and treat/love them as your brother and sister in Christ even with the age gap? (I already know the answer to this lol just asking anyway!"

Half or twice my age, you are my brother or sister in Christ if you are in Christ.
(though i seem to take mistakes from young ones with a grain of salt... and give a tad more weight to the experience from our elders unless they are clearly wrong)



"The thought of loving a brother in Christ first, then catching romantic feelings doesn’t sit with me well."
ME EITHER:sick:
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
15,868
3,428
113
#3
DISCLAIMER: I've never even been on a date before, so what do I know about it?

From what I have observed, the only relationships that really last are the ones where people start as friends and then decide to form a "relationship." I have a theory that this is because they are not going out looking for love, it just happens and they are like, "cool, let's go with this."

For all the other questions, all I can say is (from what I have observed) the same problems exist in all relationships so you'll have to face them whether you go out looking for a date or start with a friend and progress to a deeper relationship.
 

Subhumanoidal

Well-known member
Sep 17, 2018
1,921
1,573
113
#4
Really saying 'brother' or 'sister' seems like you could just say 'friend' and it's the same thing. At least in the way you're wording things, but i don't believe that is the exact intention of people who suggest this.
This 'brother/sister' notion (as it seems to be intended) always struck me as odd. It's kind of sterilizing.
I look at a person. If that persons beliefs align with mine (along with other things, but those aren't the point now), then there is potential for attraction. That's all i've ever needed.
This viewing them as a brother/sister feels pseudo-spiritual and man made.

1 - That's called normal life. Sometimes you're attracted, they're not. Sometimes it's the other way around. Sometimes you're both in sync.

2 - If you friendzoned them then you're likely not interested to begin with, or you wouldn't have friendzoned them.

3 - Should people older or younger than you be treated well? Yes.

4 - It depends on what's meant by love. Love is a vague term in English. If you mean romantic love first, then feelings, no. If you mean a friend who you love as a friend, then develop romantic feelings for, then yes. It's totally feasible.

As i've stated numerous times, i've always preferred friendship then dating.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
7,213
2,631
113
#5
some people seem to not know how to be friends with their brothers or sisters. its about respect. you dont invade their space, but you are close and you care about each other. you may not communicate all the time can you can always count on the other person to be there when needed.

at least thats how I treat my brothers and sister in my own family. I just treat them how I would like to be treated.

if you are the type of person who wants to jump in bed with everyone you meet cos of lustful 'feelings' then thats an issue you need to sort out with God.
 

morefaithrequired

Well-known member
Sep 28, 2019
2,194
1,253
113
#7
Pursue your brothers and sisters?
Sounds incestuous to me...sorry i may have misunderstood..
 

laughingheart

Senior Member
Sep 21, 2016
1,523
1,417
113
#8
The word that stood out to me was "process". As much as we want a promise that if we do it right it will work. There are just no guarantees. I know you are not asking for one but let's untangle this. If you are open to meeting someone to date it is important to know what is non-negotiable. Finding someone who is a believer AND living their life as if they believed, is non negotiable. I am not saying act as if you are not attracted and friend zone them. Getting to know someone's truth is essential. That doesn't mean think of them as an earthly brother but someone else who has taken on the lordship of Christ. You can easily find someone sweet and kind who is not a believer. I promise you that no amount of attraction or compatibility is as important as this one thing. If you meet someone and are drawn to them make this your priority. Do not kid yourself or do missionary dating. Let this be the first gate they have to pass in order to get to know them better.
There are good godly men out there.
As for one person being attracted and the other not, that is always a possibility. If it is not mutual then move on. Once again there are no guarantees no matter what process we use.
All I can tell you is this. If you try you might find a relationship or not. If you don't try, you can be guaranteed that you will not have a relationship. It is always up to us as to what we are going to put out there in order to try.
 

Princesse

Active member
Feb 16, 2020
259
120
43
#9
That’s too much contortion for my tastes with quirky semantics for good measure. I wouldn’t allow a man to do that or go along with it either. Some people prefer to make friends to minimize rejection. They think getting acquainted will increase their chances for acceptance. Others are scared of being hurt and believe its a safer approach.

But the way a person engages with a friend is rarely identical to their behavior with a companion. They take liberties and reveal aspects of their character they would never show a friend. This is why revelations of abuse are often met with surprise by the ones they know. They wear a different face and relate much differently to someone they’re intimate with than a friend.

It is my conviction that if a gentleman desires friendship that’s what he’ll get. If he wants to make my acquaintance because of interest and I agree; we’ll proceed in kind. The qualities I require in my friendships are very different from the things I desire in a companion. While there’s overlap, there are striking differences too. He has to match those needs. Satisfying my desires as a friend doesn’t compute to compatibility as a spouse. My expectations and tolerance are world’s apart.

Denying myself the pleasure of someone’s advance and his attempt to develop the connection is not an option. I’m worthy of his time, attention and wooing.

I won’t set it aside for the person unwilling to say the same who often desires my time and attention in equal measures or maybe more. If I permit them to have their way they’d monopolize my day with their discourse.

I used to receive lengthy messages along these lines under the guise of fellowship and sharing. But I know men well and most aren’t in the habit of penning long notes sharing their concerns or personal anecdotes with women they barely know. Let alone one they’ve never met. Their investment usually has a purpose.

It became increasingly evident that these discussions were a form of emotional surrogacy. Some wrote every day. And the niggling feeling increased and wouldn’t abate. I put a stop to them and turned off my messages. That privilege belongs to the one who made his intentions known. He has the liberty of that frequency. They can’t expect to receive the spoils he does.

It’s my responsibility to determine how I will be treated and set boundaries to make certain my desires are upheld. I’ve been engaging with men who articulate their interest without a hindrance. To forsake it for uncertainty and juvenilia is more than I can stand. I’m not a child. This isn’t high school. We’re adults.

Men and women can interact honorably without denying their attraction or using labels to shield their hearts. While both are believers. Interest alters the dynamic to some degree. If you’re getting butterflies your response to her presence isn’t brotherly. It’s something else. If you frequently blush when he’s near that’s not a sisterly response.

That’s pretty evident. Your decision to explore the attraction or set it aside is what determines how you’ll behave going forward.
 
Jun 10, 2019
4,304
1,650
113
#11
One can come across some interesting verses in the Bible lol.

Songs of Solomon 4

9 You have captivated my heart, my sister, my bride;
you have captivated my heart with one glance of your eyes,
with one jewel of your necklace.
10 How beautiful is your love, my sister, my bride!
How much better is your love than wine,
and the fragrance of your oils than any spice!
11 Your lips drip nectar, my bride;
honey and milk are under your tongue;
the fragrance of your garments is like the fragrance of Lebanon.
12 A garden locked is my sister, my bride,
a spring locked, a fountain sealed.
 

Belka

Junior Member
Aug 24, 2017
161
145
43
#12
Hii @Mel85 !

This is an interesting thread.

I have heard of stories where one or the other person weren't attracted to the other at first and then eventually, God opened their heart to them and they ended up being attracted and got married and it all worked out fine. I don't think that's how it "usually" works, but it does happen. It takes prayer and really seeking God's will, though.

Personally, I see every believer (or try to) as a brother only, and potentially as a friend (I do have quite a few male friends and actually seem to form friendships more easily with guys than girls), although of course sometimes there's that bit of attraction that goes beyond mere friendship but I don't let myself think of them that way because:

1) sometimes I just know they're not "the one" for me, even if I feel attracted to them
2) other times I don't know if they're "the one" for me (or if they even like me) and because I don't know, I don't invest myself emotionally (or try not to, lol)

It's hard for me to imagine falling in love (whatever that even means as a Christian lol I don't even know to be honest) or suddenly become attracted to someone that I previously had NO attraction to whatsoever in that sense, BUT I also know that it does happen and that God can really change our hearts, so...

One of my friends / brothers in Christ once said something really interesting, he said that the "in love" feeling / experience should come after you get married, and not before, as most of us tend to think. And I think there's some wisdom in that...


Song of Solomon 8:4
I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases.


Of course, there should be some attraction to the person you're going to marry, but I firmly believe it should be pure / holy and not sexual until the marriage actually comes to pass. Like for me, when I'm attracted to someone, it's not even really "physical", it's something else, and I'm not sure how to explain it. It seems to be more like a soul attraction or something. I never imagine myself in a physical aspect with them (and God forbid, sexual). So I can see how that would apply to me personally, but I don't know how other people experience things.

Does that make any sense at all? lol
 

Mel85

Daughter of the True King
Mar 28, 2018
10,386
6,441
113
#13
Hii @Mel85 !

This is an interesting thread.

I have heard of stories where one or the other person weren't attracted to the other at first and then eventually, God opened their heart to them and they ended up being attracted and got married and it all worked out fine. I don't think that's how it "usually" works, but it does happen. It takes prayer and really seeking God's will, though.

Personally, I see every believer (or try to) as a brother only, and potentially as a friend (I do have quite a few male friends and actually seem to form friendships more easily with guys than girls), although of course sometimes there's that bit of attraction that goes beyond mere friendship but I don't let myself think of them that way because:

1) sometimes I just know they're not "the one" for me, even if I feel attracted to them
2) other times I don't know if they're "the one" for me (or if they even like me) and because I don't know, I don't invest myself emotionally (or try not to, lol)

It's hard for me to imagine falling in love (whatever that even means as a Christian lol I don't even know to be honest) or suddenly become attracted to someone that I previously had NO attraction to whatsoever in that sense, BUT I also know that it does happen and that God can really change our hearts, so...

One of my friends / brothers in Christ once said something really interesting, he said that the "in love" feeling / experience should come after you get married, and not before, as most of us tend to think. And I think there's some wisdom in that...


Song of Solomon 8:4
I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases.


Of course, there should be some attraction to the person you're going to marry, but I firmly believe it should be pure / holy and not sexual until the marriage actually comes to pass. Like for me, when I'm attracted to someone, it's not even really "physical", it's something else, and I'm not sure how to explain it. It seems to be more like a soul attraction or something. I never imagine myself in a physical aspect with them (and God forbid, sexual). So I can see how that would apply to me personally, but I don't know how other people experience things.

Does that make any sense at all? lol
Yes, definitely makes sense lol thanks for your input... 😀