Looking at one another as your “brother” or “sister” first, before pursuing them (or not).....

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Mel85

Daughter of the True King
Mar 28, 2018
8,202
4,457
113
#1
I read a couple of posts and responses from some of you about looking at a potential spouse as a brother and sister first, before trying or being led to pursue them.

I was intrigued by this concept because;

1. What happens if you do look at them as your brother or sister in Christ, but then you start catching feelings for them but they don’t reciprocate the same feelings?

2. What happens if you “friendzone” them already and there’s no chance at all?

3. Do we also consider brothers and sisters who are much older than you, or younger and treat/love them as your brother and sister in Christ even with the age gap? (I already know the answer to this lol just asking anyway!).

4. The thought of loving a brother in Christ first, then catching romantic feelings doesn’t sit with me well.

I guess I raise these points because it is really a scary thought for me because I’ve never pursued someone deep enough to follow this kind of process. I like the idea of loving them as a brother first, but then I think, does this develop into something more spiritually as well as fleshly? Are we to love that brother or sister first, then God will open our eyes spiritually to see them differently? Can anyone share an experience or have heard of any experiences where this sort of courtship has happened?

Perhaps I’m over thinking and thinking “literally” lol this is all new to me, and I hope not to offend anyone by this, I am just being real and honest.

Thank you and looking forward to reading y’all responses fam! Lol 💜
 

OneOfHis

Well-known member
Mar 24, 2019
420
819
93
#2
I read a couple of posts and responses from some of you about looking at a potential spouse as a brother and sister first, before trying or being led to pursue them.

I was intrigued by this concept because;

1. What happens if you do look at them as your brother or sister in Christ, but then you start catching feelings for them but they don’t reciprocate the same feelings?

2. What happens if you “friendzone” them already and there’s no chance at all?

3. Do we also consider brothers and sisters who are much older than you, or younger and treat/love them as your brother and sister in Christ even with the age gap? (I already know the answer to this lol just asking anyway!).

4. The thought of loving a brother in Christ first, then catching romantic feelings doesn’t sit with me well.

I guess I raise these points because it is really a scary thought for me because I’ve never pursued someone deep enough to follow this kind of process. I like the idea of loving them as a brother first, but then I think, does this develop into something more spiritually as well as fleshly? Are we to love that brother or sister first, then God will open our eyes spiritually to see them differently? Can anyone share an experience or have heard of any experiences where this sort of courtship has happened?

Perhaps I’m over thinking and thinking “literally” lol this is all new to me, and I hope not to offend anyone by this, I am just being real and honest.

Thank you and looking forward to reading y’all responses fam! Lol 💜

I do believe it is wise to know someones beliefs and values before you open yourself up to them.

If they are Christian and your beliefs are similar in regards to the gospel, you will see them as a brother or sister.

Just because someone is saved and knows God is not enough to know if you two will be good for eachother in marriage.


"What happens if you do look at them as your brother or sister in Christ, but then you start catching feelings for them but they don’t reciprocate the same feelings?"
_
Then you tried your best. Keep on keepin on.


". What happens if you “friendzone” them already and there’s no chance at all?"
_

If they show interest in me, I provide closure.
If they do not, look we just gained a brother/sister and a friend.



"Do we also consider brothers and sisters who are much older than you, or younger and treat/love them as your brother and sister in Christ even with the age gap? (I already know the answer to this lol just asking anyway!"

Half or twice my age, you are my brother or sister in Christ if you are in Christ.
(though i seem to take mistakes from young ones with a grain of salt... and give a tad more weight to the experience from our elders unless they are clearly wrong)



"The thought of loving a brother in Christ first, then catching romantic feelings doesn’t sit with me well."
ME EITHER:sick:
 

Lynx

Senior Member
Aug 13, 2014
14,984
2,769
113
#3
DISCLAIMER: I've never even been on a date before, so what do I know about it?

From what I have observed, the only relationships that really last are the ones where people start as friends and then decide to form a "relationship." I have a theory that this is because they are not going out looking for love, it just happens and they are like, "cool, let's go with this."

For all the other questions, all I can say is (from what I have observed) the same problems exist in all relationships so you'll have to face them whether you go out looking for a date or start with a friend and progress to a deeper relationship.
 
Sep 17, 2018
1,482
1,249
113
#4
Really saying 'brother' or 'sister' seems like you could just say 'friend' and it's the same thing. At least in the way you're wording things, but i don't believe that is the exact intention of people who suggest this.
This 'brother/sister' notion (as it seems to be intended) always struck me as odd. It's kind of sterilizing.
I look at a person. If that persons beliefs align with mine (along with other things, but those aren't the point now), then there is potential for attraction. That's all i've ever needed.
This viewing them as a brother/sister feels pseudo-spiritual and man made.

1 - That's called normal life. Sometimes you're attracted, they're not. Sometimes it's the other way around. Sometimes you're both in sync.

2 - If you friendzoned them then you're likely not interested to begin with, or you wouldn't have friendzoned them.

3 - Should people older or younger than you be treated well? Yes.

4 - It depends on what's meant by love. Love is a vague term in English. If you mean romantic love first, then feelings, no. If you mean a friend who you love as a friend, then develop romantic feelings for, then yes. It's totally feasible.

As i've stated numerous times, i've always preferred friendship then dating.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
4,292
1,669
113
#5
some people seem to not know how to be friends with their brothers or sisters. its about respect. you dont invade their space, but you are close and you care about each other. you may not communicate all the time can you can always count on the other person to be there when needed.

at least thats how I treat my brothers and sister in my own family. I just treat them how I would like to be treated.

if you are the type of person who wants to jump in bed with everyone you meet cos of lustful 'feelings' then thats an issue you need to sort out with God.
 
Sep 21, 2016
453
412
63
#8
The word that stood out to me was "process". As much as we want a promise that if we do it right it will work. There are just no guarantees. I know you are not asking for one but let's untangle this. If you are open to meeting someone to date it is important to know what is non-negotiable. Finding someone who is a believer AND living their life as if they believed, is non negotiable. I am not saying act as if you are not attracted and friend zone them. Getting to know someone's truth is essential. That doesn't mean think of them as an earthly brother but someone else who has taken on the lordship of Christ. You can easily find someone sweet and kind who is not a believer. I promise you that no amount of attraction or compatibility is as important as this one thing. If you meet someone and are drawn to them make this your priority. Do not kid yourself or do missionary dating. Let this be the first gate they have to pass in order to get to know them better.
There are good godly men out there.
As for one person being attracted and the other not, that is always a possibility. If it is not mutual then move on. Once again there are no guarantees no matter what process we use.
All I can tell you is this. If you try you might find a relationship or not. If you don't try, you can be guaranteed that you will not have a relationship. It is always up to us as to what we are going to put out there in order to try.