married men

[ijustwanttheTruth]

what kind of boundaries should a woman set with a married man that she might meet here or elsewhere online? what kind of relationship looks like a respectable one?
what kinds of red flags should one look for that we simply cannot be friends with this person?
do married men deserve to have a few platonic female friends who are single? or are they simply not capable of it bc of the way they're wired?

thanks <3

 

[Ritter]

what kind of boundaries should a woman set with a married man that she might meet here or elsewhere online? what kind of relationship looks like a respectable one?
what kinds of red flags should one look for that we simply cannot be friends with this person?

Online? I would say do not let the conversation become private. Keep it on the forum or in the main chat barring weird extenuating circumstances.

A respectable relationship is one in which they are friends but brazenly so in front of other people.

Red flags? Put your God-given sense of judgment to work.

do married men deserve to have a few platonic female friends who are single? or are they simply not capable of it bc of the way they're wired?

Oh yeah, it's basic science that every man is really just a life-support system for his penis and has no control over any impulses or urges.

 

[ijustwanttheTruth]

'Online? I would say do not let the conversation become private. Keep it on the forum or in the main chat barring weird extenuating circumstances.
A respectable relationship is one in which they are friends but brazenly so in front of other people.
Red flags? Put your God-given sense of judgment to work. '
my sense of judgment is already at work. which is why i'm asking. and it's a skype friendship. there is no one else there.


'Oh yeah, it's basic science that every man is really just a life-support system for his penis and has no control over any impulses or urges.'
RITTER! I DIDN'T SAY THAT AND I DIDN'T MEAN IT THAT WAY! i also didn't mean to type the whole sentence in capslock but it is what it is. i am not just talking sexuality. i'm talking a man's desire to woo and conquer. don't put words in my mouth. punk.

 

[Ritter]

'Online? I would say do not let the conversation become private. Keep it on the forum or in the main chat barring weird extenuating circumstances.
A respectable relationship is one in which they are friends but brazenly so in front of other people.
Red flags? Put your God-given sense of judgment to work. '
my sense of judgment is already at work. which is why i'm asking. and it's a skype friendship. there is no one else there.


'Oh yeah, it's basic science that every man is really just a life-support system for his penis and has no control over any impulses or urges.'
RITTER! I DIDN'T SAY THAT AND I DIDN'T MEAN IT THAT WAY! i also didn't mean to type the whole sentence in capslock but it is what it is. i am not just talking sexuality. i'm talking a man's desire to woo and conquer. don't put words in my mouth. punk.

You implied, as so many people do, that a man cannot control this almost animalistic desire to reproduce. The desire to "woo and conquer" stems from that very impulse.

The implication that men are rabid sexual beings has always been a pet-peeve of mine as myself and other men are not rabid sexual beings, but that statement or overall mindset creates a feedback loop. Voila, we have accepted the premise of modern licentious thought. Yay church.

What we have forgotten is that there has to be a culture of restraint and honor if it is to function. A man has to know that he must avoid all appearance of evil. If he plays his part, then the more deviant men among us will be given less reason to be chatting with young ladies on the internet.

Well, if you have to ask, there might be a problem. I'd say it's unhealthy for him. Even if nothing is going on, it just doesn't look good unless he's is sixty-five and occasionally mentors you.

 

[ijustwanttheTruth]

i mean more than what you're talking about and less. i am talking about the emotional unhealthy dependence a man might tend to want to develop with some female, esp if they're not satisfied within their marriage. i am not lumping all men into a category of lustful animals. i am saying, a man might get attached in several ways. emotional OR sexual. i am not insulting your side of the species. i am merely asking.

i guess if i felt uncomfortable enough in it to post this, than there is an issue. but i'm trying to be honest without being mean. i think enough men behave as rabid sexual beings that it is worth creating a mass system of behavior and ethics. restraint and honor is beautiful when it makes itself known but it is not the standard. even within the church. we are part of a broken system with broken people and we need to acknowledge that.

i suppose my question lies in the realm of what platonic, then, looks like. please don't harp on me for anything you are reading between the lines. i am not out to insult anybody. i am merely trying to figure out how to deal with men. ok?

 

[AgeofKnowledge]

I agree with Ritter but, of course, great caution is warranted. Adultery is nothing to play with. I've had married women from church want to get huggy close to me and spend lots of time around me but I nicely but firmly reject that. I even tell them, "you ARE married" as I push their attempt to hug me away. I've never had one persist but if they did, I would go to the pastor and their husband about it. I'm not going to walk the path of adultery: ever.

My close female friends are all single. Those I hug. Those I like to spend my time around. I will say that I have some very good relationships with married women but they are not intimate or touchy-feely but rather I'm friends with both the husband and the wife. It's like that.

 

[Ritter]

i mean more than what you're talking about and less. i am talking about the emotional unhealthy dependence a man might tend to want to develop with some female, esp if they're not satisfied within their marriage. i am not lumping all men into a category of lustful animals. i am saying, a man might get attached in several ways. emotional OR sexual. i am not insulting your side of the species. i am merely asking.

i guess if i felt uncomfortable enough in it to post this, than there is an issue. but i'm trying to be honest without being mean. i think enough men behave as rabid sexual beings that it is worth creating a mass system of behavior and ethics. restraint and honor is beautiful when it makes itself known but it is not the standard. even within the church. we are part of a broken system with broken people and we need to acknowledge that.

i suppose my question lies in the realm of what platonic, then, looks like. please don't harp on me for anything you are reading between the lines. i am not out to insult anybody. i am merely trying to figure out how to deal with men. ok?

Alright, your previous statements were redeemed by the first paragraph. We identified another dimension to male character which people rarely do these days. Props to you, my friend.

Ahh, but the of customary forces of restraint, honor, (oh lets add another couple of planks so as to make it more complete) morality, and recognition of divinity have to be made public again. You can have a system to explain behavior and the like, but rarely are the problems we address solved by another department of the system. Well, they are never solved.

Either, way, you opened up an interesting new side to the topic and before I continue with my rant, I'll let you explain what you mean by erecting a system of behavior and ethics.

Your second paragraph indicates I was not very far off with my "reading between the lines." though I admit it was a tangent.

So, you want to know what the platonic looks like? Age of Knowledge pretty much nailed it with the picture he painted. I feel no need to elaborate. Clean, wise, appropriate, plutonic.

 

[Jullianna]

I draw the line at private conversations of a personal kind or displays of affection of any kind with married men who aren't family unless his wife is present. Scripture says to avoid every appearance of evil.

The easiest way to set your boundaries is to attempt to look at it from his wife's point of view. If you were his wife, would you feel hurt or betrayed if your husband was talking with another woman about certain things?

Scripture also says for us not to take things that don't belong to us. The intimacy of a married man belongs to his wife and his God, whether that intimacy is physical or emotional in nature.

 

[zeroturbulence]

Hello stranger. Boy troubles seem to be following you around lately.

I would say that married men have no business making friends with women online, period. Now if a married man becomes friends with a woman because they work together or maybe because she is a mutual friend of his wife's that's different. Online, men are like kids unsupervised in an adult playground. In real life there are always other human eyes and ears seeing and hearing what is going on (unless they are someplace they shouldn't be!). Online they know they are truly alone with you. That is the difference. Or as they say in France, 'la difference'.

 

[zeroturbulence]

Hello stranger. Boy troubles seem to be following you around lately.

I would say that married men have no business making friends with women online, period. Now if a married man becomes friends with a woman because they work together or maybe because she is a mutual friend of his wife's that's different. Online, men are like kids unsupervised in an adult playground. In real life there are always other human eyes and ears seeing and hearing what is going on (unless they are someplace they shouldn't be!). Online they know they are truly alone with you. That is the difference. Or as they say in France, 'la difference'.

I have to clarify a couple things...

1) its la différence (with the accent over the e)

2) The part about kids unsupervised goes for women too.

 

[ijustwanttheTruth]

Online, men are like kids unsupervised in an adult playground.

that's completely what i'm beginning to feel like <3 hey stranger

 

[ijustwanttheTruth]

thanks bud. i feel like you heard me this time. so let me see if i can hear you.
i only threw the second paragraph in bytheway? bc of your post. i was not thinking about sexual purity at all with the case of this man. but rather the emotional bonds that a sad and lonely married man sometimes feels towards the opposite gender. i don't know why they cling to the young ladies to try to feel their worth or anything. we're not all that. but i do indeed wish the honor and morality and restraint was the norm, but it's sadly not. it's not a given.

i guess no matter how guarded emotionally I AM, it's still in their court. they hear what they wanna hear and they feel what they wanna feel and there's not much i can actually do about that except not talk to them.
or to state clearly that boundaries are needed until boundaries are held.
that's all i mean by a system of ethics and behavior. how do i hold my boundaries firmly.

if what you have said is appropriate in marriage. to basically not have a side one-to-one online skype friendship. i guess that's my answer.

Alright, your previous statements were redeemed by the first paragraph. We identified another dimension to male character which people rarely do these days. Props to you, my friend.

Ahh, but the of customary forces of restraint, honor, (oh lets add another couple of planks so as to make it more complete) morality, and recognition of divinity have to be made public again. You can have a system to explain behavior and the like, but rarely are the problems we address solved by another department of the system. Well, they are never solved.

Either, way, you opened up an interesting new side to the topic and before I continue with my rant, I'll let you explain what you mean by erecting a system of behavior and ethics.

Your second paragraph indicates I was not very far off with my "reading between the lines." though I admit it was a tangent.

So, you want to know what the platonic looks like? Age of Knowledge pretty much nailed it with the picture he painted. I feel no need to elaborate. Clean, wise, appropriate, plutonic.

 

[zaoman32]

When I was married, I had no desire to make female friends, I had a wife, I had female companionship what did I need more for? I even remember an instance where we had dinner with another couple whom we had known for several years and were good friends with, my wife and her husband had to get up for something so I was left alone with my best friends wife, after a few minutes of awkward silence she voiced what we were both thinking "Well this is awkward". We laughed, died back down to silence, and stayed that way till our spouses got back, it was weird.

Usually when a married guy is looking for, or wanting a female person to talk to it's because he is looking for another women to fulfill a need that he should be getting from his wife, or because he is unwilling to be open to his wife. Obviously in a work setting if a girl is with a married guy regularly they will talk with each other, and possibly be friends, which is fine, they just have to be careful not to start talking too openly with each other, if he starts talking with her about marriage issues, big red flag.

Zero is totally right about guys having female friends online too. A married man should not be looking for any kind of female relationship online whatsoever.

 

[ijustwanttheTruth]

Usually when a married guy is looking for, or wanting a female person to talk to it's because he is looking for another women to fulfill a need that he should be getting from his wife, or because he is unwilling to be open to his wife.

THANNNK YOU. that's what i needed to hear. that they wouldn't seek that close kinda friendship in a healthy marriage and if they are it means something's off.

 

[Ugly]

Yeah, online should only be public conversations. If its an offline i'd say ideally you'd be better off spending time with the couple, than just the man. Or being in a group and talking to him. I have made a few mistakes talking to married Christian women that started out innocent and turned into something bad. My new rule on CC is now i never PM with any married women. And actually, i tend to even avoid them in Main chat so that i don't get friendly enough with them that we will want to PM.
As to whether he 'deserves' platonic friendships with women, that's up to him, his wife and God. Though, personally, my take would be, even if they are both OK with it, i would still not be alone with him or in private chat. Innocent becomes intimate in the blink of an eye.

 

[ijustwanttheTruth]

Yeah, online should only be public conversations. If its an offline i'd say ideally you'd be better off spending time with the couple, than just the man. Or being in a group and talking to him. I have made a few mistakes talking to married Christian women that started out innocent and turned into something bad. My new rule on CC is now i never PM with any married women. And actually, i tend to even avoid them in Main chat so that i don't get friendly enough with them that we will want to PM.
As to whether he 'deserves' platonic friendships with women, that's up to him, his wife and God. Though, personally, my take would be, even if they are both OK with it, i would still not be alone with him or in private chat. Innocent becomes intimate in the blink of an eye.

thanks ugly. i remember when you thought i was married and at first you wouldn't really talk to me
thanks for that. i think i know what i have to do.

 

[zaoman32]

No offense, but you seem to attract weirdos...

 

[ijustwanttheTruth]

No offense, but you seem to attract weirdos...

you're not wrong...

 

[AgeofKnowledge]

I remember an incident that occurred in the mid 1980s shortly after I stared following Christ. The worship pastor at this small church invited me over to talk about Christian music as I had questions about who was doing what in the Christian music industry.

While I was over there, he had to leave to answer the phone in the other room. That's when his wife gave me the "look." Yes, that look. I was a bit floored, to say the least, and to her surprise simply got up and left.

If it happened today, I wouldn't have left immediately but waited for the husband to return and then informed him that his wife was making adulterous lustful looks at me and that I thought she was going to commit adultery in the near future. At least then, the poor guy would have some warning. Sure, he would blow up and I would probably need to run out of there afterwards in a getaway but at least he would know.

For what happened next was bad. She simply waited for the next one to come along that returned the look. They entered into an adulterous relationship that broke up both families (for the guy she committed adultery with was married). The poor worship Pastor had his heart ripped from his chest. His wife took their two daughters and ran off with Mr. Wrong to one of the southern states. Because he had to pay alimony, he lost his house and ended up just working his fingers to the bone each day living in an apartment miserable and all alone for many years.

The male adulterer's wife ended up being passed around by different police officers in Arizona after relocating there. What I didn't witness first-hand, I got from the pastor of the church (a reliable source).

The two adulterers ended up fighting like cats and dogs. They may have stayed together or simply divorced and each followed their hormones to the next "relationship"... I don't know.

 

[ijustwanttheTruth]

oy! that's horrible! i am sorry that happened but glad you know what to do for next time. YUCK!