Felt I owed you an explanation: I work and live in a recovery center, have been here over 2 years, so am here practically all the time, in the skid row part of town: mostly its good to have immunity, being exposed to the disease. The last Job, for nine months, also while living here, worked in construction, building cement forms. Liked the work better but got burnt out and was vulnerable to temptation on Saturdays, about looking for a reward. The burn out may have something to do with age, but mostly, was not yet able to count it all Joy. The obvious solution, that I had to quit the job and enter into rest in God. Was off work for tree and half months and during this time spent 10 days camping on the beach to seek the Lord for what's next. After being there 7 days, (Was still in touch with the lady friend on messenger) woke up from a dream an the interpretation, that I still had an idol of a woman in my heart. That evening before going to bed, cried to the Lord, telling Him I'm sorry and went to bed resolved to leave in the morning, accepting my failure. At midnight I woke up and God's Grace showed up, He said: What is your purpose for being here? A little surprised answered quickly: To find my purpose. He said: Seek first the Kingdom of God and all these things shall be added. I asked Him a few related question, should I continue my study? He said: Don't forget your purpose (meaning, seeking Him is more important than what I do: concerning the study, Journey to enter into rest, or whatever else we do, not to forget Him. This implies to wake from our dream and the disappointment we are in to work for God: to bring us to Him). The Last question I asked: Should I leave in the morning or stay? He said: Continue to appear before God. His answer was not so much with staying or going but continually. Though I did stay and the following day went for a walk to the end of the Island; the million dollar homes, not distracting me, but a nostalgic feeling that I would never pas this way again, lesson learned, no need to return: We find Him where we are, as we seek Him first in everything. "My favorite verse that I can't live (fulfil) without His Spirit. "Count it all Joy, pray without ceasing (not necessarily with words), in everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you." You are bound to misunderstand some of this, and some things we have to learn on our own and not "by the foolishness of preaching," as it's following Him whom we have believed, we learn of Him to be conformed to His image: to be friends of God, clothe in His humility. To suffer with Him, to have abandoned our life of distraction. The last thing to abandon, we can't but by His Spirit as it's connected to Fear of loosing a life for ourselves, "He came to deliver those who through fear of death, were held their whole lifetime in bondage.
Back to what I was saying at the beginning, I live and work in a recovery building, doing maintenance and janitor work 4 days a week, it's all I can handle. Quite monotone and tempting to look for comfort elsewhere, but there is nowhere else to go where I would not fall backwards. There is only the leading of the Spirit from Here. May we acknowledge the Lord in our weakness where we need to find Him and not be distracted by the areas where we think we are strong and not poor in spirit. God has a Way of turning things upside down, so that we find Him in weakness and distracted by strength, and we struggle still, with desire: to be, strong, in control. It's when we are weak that we have a choice between Godly sorrow or self pity, when we are strong we don't need neither.
Your brother Ray
