So you finally found him/her! Now what?

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Krumbeard

Well-known member
Apr 15, 2019
572
490
63
#1
Let's say you found that person that was your friend and grew into a dating relationship. You've been dating for several months and are thinking about marriage.

Then....You find out they have tens of thousands of credit card debt. What would you do?
 

love_comes_softly

Well-known member
Feb 13, 2019
638
704
93
#2
Initially, I was thinking, SLOW things down considerably.

Pondering it a bit more, I'd ask why they are in debt. I couldn't really make any decision without knowing why they were in so much debt. What if it was necessary debt like medical expenses?

It certainly would make me more cautious.
 

TamLynn

A heart at rest
Nov 27, 2014
818
835
93
#3
I'd think I'd postpone the idea of marriage until I knew exactly why he was in debt.

I'd also wonder what else I might not know.:cautious:

Then I'd proceed with caution.
 

cinder

Senior Member
Mar 26, 2014
3,667
1,758
113
#4
Let's say you found that person that was your friend and grew into a dating relationship. You've been dating for several months and are thinking about marriage.

Then....You find out they have tens of thousands of credit card debt. What would you do?
Talk it out with him, hopefully the finding out wasn't something like he went to pay for the date with his credit card and it was declined, but I'd want to know how this debt happened, is it currently growing or shrinking, what are his current attitudes toward debt etc.

Ultimately if he's got a solid budget and plan to get the credit cards paid off, not too big of a deal, may turn any wedding planning into a super budget wedding but I could live with that (I think). But if he sees no problem with having tens of thousands of dollars in debt and doesn't believe in budgeting, living within his means, or trying to get out of debt, then yeah that's probably going to be a dealbreaker. I'm not going to be jointly financially responsible for anything with that guy.
 

TabinRivCA

Well-known member
Oct 23, 2018
6,957
6,622
113
#5
'I found out 'they' had all this debt' ? Him and who else? lol, I'd like to know.
 

Krumbeard

Well-known member
Apr 15, 2019
572
490
63
#6
Initially, I was thinking, SLOW things down considerably.

Pondering it a bit more, I'd ask why they are in debt. I couldn't really make any decision without knowing why they were in so much debt. What if it was necessary debt like medical expenses?

It certainly would make me more cautious.
I never gave that a thought, about medical expenses. Hmmm....good point.
 

Krumbeard

Well-known member
Apr 15, 2019
572
490
63
#7
I'd think I'd postpone the idea of marriage until I knew exactly why he was in debt.

I'd also wonder what else I might not know.:cautious:

Then I'd proceed with caution.
Yes, I agree.
 

Krumbeard

Well-known member
Apr 15, 2019
572
490
63
#8
Talk it out with him, hopefully the finding out wasn't something like he went to pay for the date with his credit card and it was declined, but I'd want to know how this debt happened, is it currently growing or shrinking, what are his current attitudes toward debt etc.

Ultimately if he's got a solid budget and plan to get the credit cards paid off, not too big of a deal, may turn any wedding planning into a super budget wedding but I could live with that (I think). But if he sees no problem with having tens of thousands of dollars in debt and doesn't believe in budgeting, living within his means, or trying to get out of debt, then yeah that's probably going to be a dealbreaker. I'm not going to be jointly financially responsible for anything with that guy.
That first part made me laugh, although it wouldn't be funny in real life. "My card was declined, can you pick up the tab?"

The second part I agree with. It's interesting how differently people look at the same thing. Thanks
 

Ruby123

Well-known member
Mar 1, 2019
5,964
4,650
113
#9
I guess as everyone has already said you would have to find out the reason for the debt. Was it something that could not be helped or does the person have a spending or gambling problem or maybe did not make wise business decisions. It would be a problem if the reason could have been prevented but maybe not so if it could not have been helped or prevented.
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
17,267
4,311
113
#10
If we have been dating several months and I don't know about several thousand dollars of credit card debt... something is wrong in our communication somewhere.

Do we assume in this hypothetical scenario that she has been hiding this from me? If so, why? Do we assume the topic has not come up yet? I'm big on discussing things, so if it hasn't come up yet I want to know how we missed the topic.
 

mailmandan

Senior Member
Apr 7, 2014
21,508
10,246
113
55
#11
Let's say you found that person that was your friend and grew into a dating relationship. You've been dating for several months and are thinking about marriage.

Then....You find out they have tens of thousands of credit card debt. What would you do?
 

melita916

Senior Member
Aug 12, 2011
10,159
2,351
113
#12
Me: why is you in debt? I’m gonna need to see your credit report!

Haha jk.
 
M

Miri

Guest
#13
Me I would run a mile too. Not sure what it’s like anywhere else.
But when you marry someone in the UK their debt becomes yours.

After I had ran a mile I would introduce them to a CAP money
management course!
 
M

Miri

Guest
#14
Ps I think it’s irresponsible of someone to start a relationship off knowing they
have thousands and thousands of debt to deal with. They need to sort themselves
out first and not dump it onto someone else. At the very minimum sort out a
budget and repayment plan.

But then I also would not marry someone after 7 months. That’s barely enough time
to see the real person.
 
M

Miri

Guest
#15
PPS. I suspect I will never marry now I’ve just realised another requirement
to add to my long list....

Loves the Lord
Born again
Involved in a local church
Has a good reputation
Non smoker
Little or non drinker
Non gambler
Doesnt do porn
Doesn’t mind cooking, gardening and cleaning and doesn’t expect me to do it all.
Wants a wife not a mother.
Not into thousands of debt....
 
L

LittleMermaid

Guest
#16
Let's say you found that person that was your friend and grew into a dating relationship. You've been dating for several months and are thinking about marriage.

Then....You find out they have tens of thousands of credit card debt. What would you do?
I'm a fool and would help him pay it. Na, I'm just kidding...well sorta. I would have to ask him why he hid it from me for so long. And also why he has it. If it was for college or a medical bill, I might continue the relationship. Then I would help him pay it off if we get married.
Sometimes emergencies come along and there really isn't anything we can do to avoid them once the situation hits. When my grandma passed (we had insurance for her) we needed to pay thousands of dollars to get her buried. My family and I are paying the credit cards off (nothing too drastic) but it felt like it was unavoidable. So I definitely understand that sometimes people just have debt.

The problem isn't so much the money as it is that he hid it from me for months. I would wonder what else he was hiding.

Oooo and I better not find out homeboy was using the money on another woman. Then my inner bad girl will come out! LOL :ROFL::ROFL::ROFL:





Hey OP, that would be a fun add on to this thread. If you found out the debt was used on another man/woman...what would you do about it? hehe
 

melita916

Senior Member
Aug 12, 2011
10,159
2,351
113
#17
In my first relationship, he didn’t budget very well. I did help him out a few times. In my head I thought, “oh we are getting married in the future anyway...”

:rolleyes:
 

mailmandan

Senior Member
Apr 7, 2014
21,508
10,246
113
55
#18
One thing I’ve learned after 30 years of marriage (and volunteering to work numerous hours of overtime on numerous occasions) — the more I make the more she spends, so why row the boat harder just to get the same distance. :giggle:
 

Ruby123

Well-known member
Mar 1, 2019
5,964
4,650
113
#19
PPS. I suspect I will never marry now I’ve just realised another requirement
to add to my long list....

Loves the Lord
Born again
Involved in a local church
Has a good reputation
Non smoker
Little or non drinker
Non gambler
Doesnt do porn
Doesn’t mind cooking, gardening and cleaning and doesn’t expect me to do it all.
Wants a wife not a mother.
Not into thousands of debt....

Gee Miri,

your list is like my list except I would add not a womaniser.
 

Subhumanoidal

Well-known member
Sep 17, 2018
2,543
2,110
113
#20
Ps I think it’s irresponsible of someone to start a relationship off knowing they
have thousands and thousands of debt to deal with. They need to sort themselves
out first and not dump it onto someone else. At the very minimum sort out a
budget and repayment plan.

But then I also would not marry someone after 7 months. That’s barely enough time
to see the real person.
Assuming they aren't already doing a payment plan.
And assuming their intent is to "dump it on someone else".
People always have a list of things that need to be sorted out before marriage, but if people attempted to do them all humanity would die out because no one would ever marry.