U
*sigh... so i'm still in love with my ex. Not missing having 'someone' or anything generic. She's given me a mountain of reasons to not be in love with her. She's a mess. She's making bad decisions now. She seems confused and frustrated about a lot of things. In the past 2 weeks it seemed like there were about 5 times where we almost got back together, but then she changes her mind the next day. Every time it's after i do or say something to express how i feel about her in a really bold or personal way. Then she'll invite me to come visit her. Next day she changes her mind, and often adds in things to make it so i can't discuss it with her. Twice she said she had a date.
She says she changed her mind because she didn't want to 'use me'. Despite spending a few days saying she still had feelings for me, now she says during all of those invites to come see her, she never had those feelings. It's all very frustrating. And she clearly wants me around, though. Sometimes she says she doesn't want me to come out because she doesn't want to lead me on into thinking we might have a chance to get back together.
My counselor, who knows all the details of her, the situation, etc... has always insisted that my ex just needs time. I mean, she says i'm her best friend, that she wants me in her life. She trusts me with every personal and/or gross thing she has to deal with.
But she has this habit of misinterpreting things about me, sticking with what she thinks is true, even when i say it's not, and then holding it against me as a reason to not get back together. I have probably said a dozen time or more, literally, how she keeps doing that.
There have been times where we talked about things and she has had anxiety attacks about my feelings or us getting back together. Sometimes she seems angry about it. And, as i said above, sometimes she gives into it for a short bit before changing her mind.
I've come close to walking away from her a few times. But every time i get close something happens that stops me. I feel kind of like God won't allow it. I was convinced 100% that we were supposed to be together. And i rarely say such things, so for me to say that means i scrutinized those ideas a lot.
I have shown sides of myself, gone out of my comfort zones, let down walls for her that i have Never let down for any other woman. All because i felt, in a way i have never felt before, that i was headed down the right path by being with her.
I felt as though something happened in her life that affected her spiritually. She broke up with me, and has gone downhill every since. I felt as though God even showed me what happened with her. A spiritual attack. Someone recently said that it sounded as if someone else was telling her things. And when i heard that i thought how true it sounded.
But the other day things went down and i feel as though i have no chance with her. It's very frustrating, confusing. Heartbreaking. I always have it rough after a break up, as some of you can attest to. But this is different. Everything with her has always been so different than all past relationships. Even after the break up. It's been 3 months and i haven't even Started to get over her. I don't want to think about being with anyone else. I don't want anyone else. If i were to try to be with anyone else, i feel as though it would be just to fill in the need to have someone, and nothing as deep as what i feel for my ex.
And i don't know what to think or how to handle this. The other night i actually prayed that God would take away my feelings for her.
She's my best friend, and i hers. I can't walk away from her, or take much time away from her. It really feels like God won't let that happen. I've been catphished, and i knew something was up pretty quick with that, so i don't believe this is all a game, either. In the 7 months we were together, 4 of those we were in person, despite living 800 miles apart. Mostly me being there among her family and where she lives. So before anyone tries to put those 2 suggestions out there, i've already gone through those ideas and they are a no.
But now i don't know how to cope with the feelings i have. I don't know how to handle that i believe God wanted us together, and she seems to never want that again. Or she does sometimes. Or i don't know what she thinks or feels entirely. Why does God keep me with her if she's not going to want to be with me? She has 2 main complaints with me, one God could probably help me with. But the other would require a miracle, and i'm not holding my breath there. And even if those two things were resolved, i don't know what she'd say.
I feel as if every direction i turn is the wrong one. Can't walk away, can't pursue. Can't be sure of anything anymore. And even as i type this out i can picture myself rolling my eyes at someone else who would say similar things. I can hear the things that would be said, but none of the usual answers feel right. It's like there's an answer, and i'm not seeing it. And no one has suggested it. All i know is i can't walk away, or take a break for a while, and she's not a fake. So what's left? Why feel this strongly about someone and feel God is directing me, yet it's all backwards? How can i stop feeling this way for her? Or can i? Or should i? I feel like no one else is right for me. And 'on paper' she's not either, but that's the funny thing. On paper she doesn't seem right, but there's something i just 'know' that she is.
She says she changed her mind because she didn't want to 'use me'. Despite spending a few days saying she still had feelings for me, now she says during all of those invites to come see her, she never had those feelings. It's all very frustrating. And she clearly wants me around, though. Sometimes she says she doesn't want me to come out because she doesn't want to lead me on into thinking we might have a chance to get back together.
My counselor, who knows all the details of her, the situation, etc... has always insisted that my ex just needs time. I mean, she says i'm her best friend, that she wants me in her life. She trusts me with every personal and/or gross thing she has to deal with.
But she has this habit of misinterpreting things about me, sticking with what she thinks is true, even when i say it's not, and then holding it against me as a reason to not get back together. I have probably said a dozen time or more, literally, how she keeps doing that.
There have been times where we talked about things and she has had anxiety attacks about my feelings or us getting back together. Sometimes she seems angry about it. And, as i said above, sometimes she gives into it for a short bit before changing her mind.
I've come close to walking away from her a few times. But every time i get close something happens that stops me. I feel kind of like God won't allow it. I was convinced 100% that we were supposed to be together. And i rarely say such things, so for me to say that means i scrutinized those ideas a lot.
I have shown sides of myself, gone out of my comfort zones, let down walls for her that i have Never let down for any other woman. All because i felt, in a way i have never felt before, that i was headed down the right path by being with her.
I felt as though something happened in her life that affected her spiritually. She broke up with me, and has gone downhill every since. I felt as though God even showed me what happened with her. A spiritual attack. Someone recently said that it sounded as if someone else was telling her things. And when i heard that i thought how true it sounded.
But the other day things went down and i feel as though i have no chance with her. It's very frustrating, confusing. Heartbreaking. I always have it rough after a break up, as some of you can attest to. But this is different. Everything with her has always been so different than all past relationships. Even after the break up. It's been 3 months and i haven't even Started to get over her. I don't want to think about being with anyone else. I don't want anyone else. If i were to try to be with anyone else, i feel as though it would be just to fill in the need to have someone, and nothing as deep as what i feel for my ex.
And i don't know what to think or how to handle this. The other night i actually prayed that God would take away my feelings for her.
She's my best friend, and i hers. I can't walk away from her, or take much time away from her. It really feels like God won't let that happen. I've been catphished, and i knew something was up pretty quick with that, so i don't believe this is all a game, either. In the 7 months we were together, 4 of those we were in person, despite living 800 miles apart. Mostly me being there among her family and where she lives. So before anyone tries to put those 2 suggestions out there, i've already gone through those ideas and they are a no.
But now i don't know how to cope with the feelings i have. I don't know how to handle that i believe God wanted us together, and she seems to never want that again. Or she does sometimes. Or i don't know what she thinks or feels entirely. Why does God keep me with her if she's not going to want to be with me? She has 2 main complaints with me, one God could probably help me with. But the other would require a miracle, and i'm not holding my breath there. And even if those two things were resolved, i don't know what she'd say.
I feel as if every direction i turn is the wrong one. Can't walk away, can't pursue. Can't be sure of anything anymore. And even as i type this out i can picture myself rolling my eyes at someone else who would say similar things. I can hear the things that would be said, but none of the usual answers feel right. It's like there's an answer, and i'm not seeing it. And no one has suggested it. All i know is i can't walk away, or take a break for a while, and she's not a fake. So what's left? Why feel this strongly about someone and feel God is directing me, yet it's all backwards? How can i stop feeling this way for her? Or can i? Or should i? I feel like no one else is right for me. And 'on paper' she's not either, but that's the funny thing. On paper she doesn't seem right, but there's something i just 'know' that she is.
