So, this is the second day to my 2 week holiday. Next week, I'm spending 3 nights in a tree house cottage in the mountains somewhere north-west.
Today, I am going to bring my laptop and several Christians books to a café and flesh out something that has been bouncing at me as I was reading the Psalms. I've been telling myself I would at least dedicate one entire day to playing Minecraft, but I can't do it!
I feel like a little girl on an Easter egg hunt. There's something really interesting and precious hiding in these certain scriptures and I want to travel the terrain to find it.
Its funny because I really felt that when I started at my new church, a new season in life had begun and that the Lord was telling me He is taking leading me out of a season of heavy pruning, to a season of 'applying'. It seems He is specifically taking me through a time to learn what it means to love people, to be part of the church body in unity and in relationship with others in a way that glorifies Him.
I thought I was doing well, I was forming good relationships with people around me, I just clicked with the people God brought in to my life. But the last week or so, I was suddenly bombarded with all this disappointment from people. From someone completely shutting me out of their life, to people suddenly dropping plans, to weird drama revolving around the guy I kind of had a crush on and then cruel things coming out of the mouth of my parents. In the space of several days, it just hit me like a wave! At the same time, every where I turn, every message I listen to is about loving others.
So here I am, praying, "God, this is breaking my heart, I can't deal with this kind of rejection, take me back to that season where it was just me and You and You had my heart and I had Yours, and things were simpler." Then my mind is flooded with all those times where I thought I wouldn't make it, but I did. The time I was hurt by my church, the time I allowed my heart to be broken, the time I faced hard conversations with my parents, the time where I thought my past would tear me apart. Did I fall down? Did I drown? No, because He was my rock. I did not crumble because He kept me firm and filled me when I was running on empty. He was and still is faithful, He kept me together when my natural reaction was to fall apart.
Now this has to happen all over again. Where I just abandon myself to Him. I have to face my fear of rejection with the love that has already been given to me and to apply it. This is something the Lord is not letting me hide from, I can't run away and create physical distance between myself and others. This may not necessarily be about how I want to feel about the situation, this seems more about God showing me a deeper level of His love and what He can do when I am ready to admit I need him the most. Not myself, not them, not my ability to run away, but what He can do with my messiness so that I can reflect Him in the most hardest of times.
I am just going to put this out there, God loves to corner me. He corners me and gives me the only safety rope that matters. It is the scariest step to go from my corner to His arms, but I know and I know and I -know-, the freedom in His arms will be worth it all.
(I've been watching too many tear-jerking dramas lately, can you tell? Lol)