Streams of Consciousness & Thoughts~~~

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A

Arlene89

Guest
i am so sorry you're going through this very difficult time.

all i can say to encourage you is that i really do know what it feels like to be at the end of myself, my desire to live, and at the end of wanting to try anymore. in fact, i moved away from people so that i could fade away and just cease to exist. instead, God sent people to love me, and a church body that showed me love and acceptance. that was His design.

most of all, i was so incredibly uncomfortable, even horrified for not being the person that i was formerly proud of.

during that particularly low time in my life, God used it to do the most amazing, transforming work in my life. not in one fell swoop, but in tiny, incremental changes that have changed me and my heart in very profound ways. you will get through this with God.

He's doing a great work in you. He IS enough, and He will continue to love you through many hearts.

*hugs*
I was going to respond, but you did it so much better! iTore - What she said!
 
A

Arlene89

Guest
This was nice. This afternoon I had to go check this issue with a control panel for a life station (don't ask) and so parked the truck at the street kind of near where the panel is and put on my emergency blinkers. When I got in there, it was a lot more work than anticipated so was there about an hour and came out and the truck was DEAD - wouldn't start. It's a standard transmission so I was on this flat portion of road but about 30' away was a kind of downhill. So I start pushing the truck so I could jump it off (which I had to do from the drivers side door so I'd have some control). There's all these people walking by and some guy walked right in front of the truck so I had to do all I could to stop it. Then two more people walked it front since it was stopped. Then got it going again and finally made it to the downhill part and got a little speed and jumped in and another guy walked right in front and I had to stop! So then had to get back out to push again! Finally started but man - no one helped or even offered! I think I'm invisible and then found another invisible guy about 2 days ago - I was on my way home and looked over and saw this body laying in the grass right on the side of the road! It's a real busy street and hundreds of cars and people walking down the sidewalk but nobody notices the guy laying in the grass maybe 3 feet off the sidewalk?? Anyway I pull behind the building and go check on him and he's obviously homeless and probably drunk but I still leaned over him and yelled for him to wake up because the way he was laying looked like he truly just fell out dead! There wasn't old clothes under his head like you sometimes see - just him laying in the full sun (but it was storming too, that kind of day). Anyway, he had a pulse (which was more than I had about that time of day) so I called 911 and they said they'd come out to get him so when they get there he pops up awake like buoy! They check him out but he won't go with them. Still, though, are some people just invisible? When people have some kind of problem - simple stuff that just requires a temporary hand - are there people that are just not seen?

Then yesterday after I got home I got this lesson in the temporary nature of things. Nature is cruel and in a flash I understood the hardness of heart of innocent animals and sin nature of humans. There's these cats that hang around the house and they're fine and I don't have to do anything for them but I saw one of them pawing at something and acting all spastic so I walk over and one of the cats had a little chipmunk. Well, they weren't killing the thing outright - they were playing with it till it finally would succumb then go eat it - I'd seen it before. So I was shooing the cats off (there were two) and one would take a dive at it and I would stop him from getting the little fellow. This caused a lull in the activity and then this little chipmunk climbed right up on top of my shoe and sat on it in a little ball and closed his eyes. I thought it was so remarkable that this little tiny chipmunk would sit on a foot of something about 200X it's size, but it was either that or face those cats. He was pretty beat up and all I could do was to cup him in my hands (and he didn't get too bent out of shape, just stayed still) and took him over to the barn where there's lots of hay for him to get lost in and he sat in hay for a second then got himself lost.

I know they're going to find him. I'm sure they already have. So in a way (in my line of thinking) the temporary gestures in life only effect a temporary change. The homeless guy is still a drunk, I still need a battery, and the cat's got to eat. Maybe that's why we're invisible to each other.
I'm sorry to hear about your truck misadventure. If I was in your shoes, I would have taken me about 5 minutes to reach the point of bitterness. You seem to be looking at it better than I would have.

But we do have a choice whether to lose hope and settle for bitterness (not saying you are!) or to push on and push on through (which you did). You may see the scenario with the homeless man as a gesture with a temporary effect, but in that moment, you revealed to him a piece of Christ in you. Don't be disheartened with the instant response by this man, it may be seed that is watered and harvested in the future. Or maybe one day you perform the one act of kindness that provoked the revelation in someone that they need what you have in you. Christ.

You're not invisible. The homeless man took part in your life when you helped him. The man wasn't invisible to you as you helped. Those people on the road may not have taken full recognition of what you were doing and what you were going through, but in hard situations where you are pushing through life, are you still willing to persevere?... and even so, in love despite what others do? You did keep going. I would have been muttering nasty stuff like, "Go EAT soggy tooth paste TACOS" under my breath, or something.

You're a kind and thoughtful person, kenthomas27, I'm glad you shared your stories so that even though I wasn't there to 'see' you, you revealed your heart here so I could 'see' from afar those very acts of kindness. And please be encouraged... continue to do those amazing helpful things, even to little chipmunks! Hahaha. We need more people like you. If we all went forth about our daily lives, actively loving and helping the people around us, how much more of God's Kingdom can we spread through our neighbourhoods, our cities, our states?
 
A

Arlene89

Guest
iTORE Ramblings Vol 7.1

Ever wonder..."How did I get here?" Step by step. Choice by choice. Do thing's just 'happen'?
It certainly feels like it.

Irony of all irony. I've been filling out applications online for various jobs in the city,and even in surrounding cities...those of which I have zero mode of transportation to get to,but yanno...just filling out apps to feel like I'm doing something...trying,I guess. So,of course I get a call for an interview,for a job that even if I was hired for,I could never get to because it's 2 towns away. Oh and the other thing is they wanted me to come in for a group interview on Monday (which is a holiday),and no one I know would even be able to bring me out to this place due to families being all family-like & having cookouts & being three sheets to the wind. I was telling someone this morning that this is all so stupid,my life. I'm 43,this is kinda ridiculous.

I understand why people just give up. It's easy. There's this hope we as believers have in Christ. It's real,but at the same time seems so unreal,almost like a dream. I'm fine with having nothing material,fine with having no one to walk hand & hand with through life,fine with never knowing whatever purpose I am supposed to have.
All I need is God,right?

In 3 years I have gone from having everything to having nothing. Or is the reality of it just the opposite?

What is it that I need to learn? Thing's could be worse. God has used unexpected people to help me. I should be homeless. I could be dead. I have eeked out this new existence through the kindness of others.

I always thought I was a person with a thankful heart...maybe I wasn't as much as I thought. I know now that I am thankful for even a cup of coffee. I took a lot for granted. More than I ever wanted to admit. More than I ever even realized.

One thing now that I am hating is feeling like a burden,or someone that people feel sorry for. I'm not fine with that. The more I think about thing's...the less I find that I am truly fine with. In the past 4 months,there was a 3 week period where I felt like life had promise,hope...I felt at peace. Obviously it wasn't to be at that place & time,but it was nice to have that feeling of belonging & acceptance..of love. I know God loves me...it's just nice when you can see & hear & feel that manifestation of it in other's in person from those He's put in your life.

The old iTORE wants to just pack it all in..call it a day. Watch the sun set one last time & disappear once & for all.
The new iTORE can't shake the promise of hope. Wants to see the dawn of a new day & live life to the fullest.

So here I am...here to stay. I guess the world is stuck with me for a bit longer. For better or worse.
I'm sorry to hear about your situation, iTore. Sometimes seasons in life that are painful can take us through a rude humbling process. Well, rude in timing, but I believe this - yours is the Kingdom of Heaven. 'Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.'

I may not have walked in your shoes, but let me tell you a bit about where I have been.

Before I was saved, I was studying at University full time, renting a room from my brother and working weekends. There were times where I wouldn't eat a meal, or for an entire day, because I earned very little, and I was too proud to ask for food from people. Half way through my last year of University, I was saved. After my studies, and without any direction about how or where I should seek a full time job, I had a mild argument with my brother, but even so, knew it was time to pack all my belongings in my car and leave. I drove 15 minutes until I reached a car park in front of a beach, sat there, and cried. I was homeless.

But looking back now, in that moment, I was rich. I had wealth beyond measure, because I was about to see a side of God I would never have come to love and understand unless I was in a state of complete financial, situational, emotional and spiritual humility. I was a mess and so was my situation. Although there were tears flowing as I was feeling sorry for myself, I had tears of joy. In my car, I cried out, "Thank you God for your providential hand in this situation," and I gave thanks for all He would do for me before I even saw it.

So, miracles happened, I had a full time job for my qualifications just placed on my lap, my car died, and a 2 year old sports model car became mine at a ridiculous price, I can travel and spend time away on trips, I have money saved for an over seas trip, I own designer brand clothing... all these things, this life I live, I never would have even dreamed of living. And I'm not talking about the material things to boast of material things, but when you give God what little you have, and most of all, you give Him your trust - He can do wonders with it. I boast in what He is able to do.

I think, most of all, God wanted to teach me what it means to trust Him not just in an emotional sense, such as trusting Him with my heart, but to trust Him to take care of me in my needs, and that He has a heart of a Father that just can't wait to bless us.

Plus, I remember a time my old friend was in financial struggle, and because I was so immensely blessed, I took part in supporting her with what had already been given to me. You know what? I got such a kick from giving. And its funny, because she was the pastor's daughter who could quote all the scriptures about giving, but had such a hard time in receiving. She used the same words you did, 'burden'. But be glad and receive with that beautiful, thankful heart of yours. I'm sure you know how nice it feels to give, be thankful you're helping people feel good about giving, and receive!

So don't lose hope, hold on to that promise of yours! I can't wait to see the other end of this situation, continue to persevere, and while you're at it, share with all of us what the Lord is teaching you through this time! I love people's stories and I like learning from other people.

I'm glad that you are experiencing that peace and love during these times. Hearing that you are holding on to these things even in your situation is encouraging, iTore. And please stay. Seriously... because I said so. :D
 
I

iTOREtheSKY

Guest
Thanks Monica & Arlene. I was telling Monica this the other day & I've shared it with many in the past year. The one thing I hate the most about the situation I'm in now,is not even going days w/out food,or having to live with a friend,or not having a job,or being in a place I don't really wanna spend the rest of my life in...the thing that really bothers me daily,is not being able to help people around me that could use my help. I don't even have 'stuff' to give people anymore,let alone help them financially. Even when I wasn't a member of a church & tithing weekly,I have always been in a place to give & help people out.
I know people that live states away across the country that need help watching their kids,or painting their deck,or help moving,and I can't even assist them due to my current situation. It's frustrating to say the least. I must say,I hate having to always give thing's to God...I feel like "Is this all I can do for anyone ,Lord is pray for them...this is lame!"
Yes,I actually say stuff like that to Him. That's how I feel. I pray anyways,believing He has it all under control,and I know He does. I just feel pretty darn useless,and I suppose that results in a mini pity party for myself sometimes.
 

violakat

Senior Member
Apr 23, 2014
1,236
21
38
Thanks Monica & Arlene. I was telling Monica this the other day & I've shared it with many in the past year. The one thing I hate the most about the situation I'm in now,is not even going days w/out food,or having to live with a friend,or not having a job,or being in a place I don't really wanna spend the rest of my life in...the thing that really bothers me daily,is not being able to help people around me that could use my help. I don't even have 'stuff' to give people anymore,let alone help them financially. Even when I wasn't a member of a church & tithing weekly,I have always been in a place to give & help people out.
I know people that live states away across the country that need help watching their kids,or painting their deck,or help moving,and I can't even assist them due to my current situation. It's frustrating to say the least. I must say,I hate having to always give thing's to God...I feel like "Is this all I can do for anyone ,Lord is pray for them...this is lame!"
Yes,I actually say stuff like that to Him. That's how I feel. I pray anyways,believing He has it all under control,and I know He does. I just feel pretty darn useless,and I suppose that results in a mini pity party for myself sometimes.
Itore, you don't have to have money or stuff to help. Everyone needs prayer, someone to listen, to share things to someone. This is almost always more appreciated then physical help. More then you can ever realize.
 

cinder

Senior Member
Mar 26, 2014
4,425
2,416
113
Hey Itorethesky,

Sounds like you are in a frustrating place right now. I tend to be someone who finds my value in what I accomplish so I want to share a bit of wisdom with you.

God made you a human being not a human doing.

It tough to feel like you have nothing to offer or no way to help out, but you are where God has placed you and he is working in and through you in ways you are not fully aware of. Until I'm ready to have my own minions just be content in being one of God's minions :)
 
I

iTOREtheSKY

Guest
Thank You for the encouragement... monica,Arlene,violakat & cinder :) This one's for you ladies!

[video=youtube_share;WoP5N_x1Bz8]http://youtu.be/WoP5N_x1Bz8[/video]
 

Pipp

Majestic Llamacorn
Sep 17, 2013
5,542
2,720
113
Georgia
iTORE Ramblings Vol 7.1

Ever wonder..."How did I get here?" Step by step. Choice by choice. Do thing's just 'happen'?
It certainly feels like it.

Irony of all irony. I've been filling out applications online for various jobs in the city,and even in surrounding cities...those of which I have zero mode of transportation to get to,but yanno...just filling out apps to feel like I'm doing something...trying,I guess. So,of course I get a call for an interview,for a job that even if I was hired for,I could never get to because it's 2 towns away. Oh and the other thing is they wanted me to come in for a group interview on Monday (which is a holiday),and no one I know would even be able to bring me out to this place due to families being all family-like & having cookouts & being three sheets to the wind. I was telling someone this morning that this is all so stupid,my life. I'm 43,this is kinda ridiculous.

I understand why people just give up. It's easy. There's this hope we as believers have in Christ. It's real,but at the same time seems so unreal,almost like a dream. I'm fine with having nothing material,fine with having no one to walk hand & hand with through life,fine with never knowing whatever purpose I am supposed to have.
All I need is God,right?

In 3 years I have gone from having everything to having nothing. Or is the reality of it just the opposite?

What is it that I need to learn? Thing's could be worse. God has used unexpected people to help me. I should be homeless. I could be dead. I have eeked out this new existence through the kindness of others.

I always thought I was a person with a thankful heart...maybe I wasn't as much as I thought. I know now that I am thankful for even a cup of coffee. I took a lot for granted. More than I ever wanted to admit. More than I ever even realized.

One thing now that I am hating is feeling like a burden,or someone that people feel sorry for. I'm not fine with that. The more I think about thing's...the less I find that I am truly fine with. In the past 4 months,there was a 3 week period where I felt like life had promise,hope...I felt at peace. Obviously it wasn't to be at that place & time,but it was nice to have that feeling of belonging & acceptance..of love. I know God loves me...it's just nice when you can see & hear & feel that manifestation of it in other's in person from those He's put in your life.

The old iTORE wants to just pack it all in..call it a day. Watch the sun set one last time & disappear once & for all.
The new iTORE can't shake the promise of hope. Wants to see the dawn of a new day & live life to the fullest.

So here I am...here to stay. I guess the world is stuck with me for a bit longer. For better or worse.
I'm selfish.... I'm glad you're sticking around because as a friend you have a part in brightening my day most every day. :) I've met so many good people here on CC and you're one of them. I'm sorry things are rough right now. Weeping endures for a night but joy comes in the morning........ maybe not literally tomorrow morning..but one of these mornings ... maybe it'll even include cupcakes.
 

CatHerder

Senior Member
Mar 20, 2013
3,551
79
48
so I take the kids to Fresh Choice for dinner, which is kind of a buffet style restaurant with a great salad bar, soups and other assorted items (like baked potato or really bad pizza). We get waters with our dinner, but when I return to the table with some clam chowder, I notice my daughter has a coke. She had forgotten that we just had waters and helped herself. On the way out, I offer to pay for it, but the cashier just kind of waved me off. My girls did that really annoying eye roll thing and mumbled about annoying morals. meh
 
N

Nodmyheadlikeyeah

Guest
In a matter of days it seems like everything i felt was important has been taken. And the only way i know how to deal with it is to sleep.
I can't bring myself to see anyone because then they'll ask what's wrong. How would i tell them i feel like my chest is going to explode without being taken to a hospital.
Tomorrow my friend is driving me to another state because i'm not sure i could make it there on my own. I'll be staying with some of my family

While laying in the bed either sleeping or doing some weird staring thing i have learned 3 important things

-After 2 or 3 days without showering, you smell like crap. Literally....people will think you've crapped yourself.

-If a person/people don't care they don't care. Nothing will change that.

-Don't fall asleep with gum in your mouth
 

cinder

Senior Member
Mar 26, 2014
4,425
2,416
113
In a matter of days it seems like everything i felt was important has been taken. And the only way i know how to deal with it is to sleep.
I can't bring myself to see anyone because then they'll ask what's wrong. How would i tell them i feel like my chest is going to explode without being taken to a hospital.
Tomorrow my friend is driving me to another state because i'm not sure i could make it there on my own. I'll be staying with some of my family

While laying in the bed either sleeping or doing some weird staring thing i have learned 3 important things

-After 2 or 3 days without showering, you smell like crap. Literally....people will think you've crapped yourself.

-If a person/people don't care they don't care. Nothing will change that.

-Don't fall asleep with gum in your mouth
Sounds like you need a hug ( or a million of them)

*Hugs x 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000

Yeah, I'm used to the smell now and peanut butter or another greasy substance will take care of that gum :)

We'll be here when you want to talk about stuff.
 
Aug 2, 2009
24,644
4,305
113
In a matter of days it seems like everything i felt was important has been taken. And the only way i know how to deal with it is to sleep.
I can't bring myself to see anyone because then they'll ask what's wrong. How would i tell them i feel like my chest is going to explode without being taken to a hospital.
Tomorrow my friend is driving me to another state because i'm not sure i could make it there on my own. I'll be staying with some of my family

While laying in the bed either sleeping or doing some weird staring thing i have learned 3 important things

-After 2 or 3 days without showering, you smell like crap. Literally....people will think you've crapped yourself.

-If a person/people don't care they don't care. Nothing will change that.

-Don't fall asleep with gum in your mouth
I'm sorry to hear you're going through something like this, Nod. I can think of a couple things that this might be about but I won't ask out of respect for you're not wanting people to ask. You can PM me if you want to, but I won't push you to. I really hate that someone or something has hurt you like this. :( I'll be praying for you. God bless.
 
B

blueorchidjd

Guest
My dad just got home on his motorcycle and I work at 5 am tomorrow for 16 hours.
I'm gonnnnnna diiiiiiiiiiiiie.
My dog is also doing that thing where he is peering at me through the dark and his eyes are eerily looking back at me with a green hue 0_o