iTORE Ramblings Vol 7.1
Ever wonder..."How did I get here?" Step by step. Choice by choice. Do thing's just 'happen'?
It certainly feels like it.
Irony of all irony. I've been filling out applications online for various jobs in the city,and even in surrounding cities...those of which I have zero mode of transportation to get to,but yanno...just filling out apps to feel like I'm doing something...trying,I guess. So,of course I get a call for an interview,for a job that even if I was hired for,I could never get to because it's 2 towns away. Oh and the other thing is they wanted me to come in for a group interview on Monday (which is a holiday),and no one I know would even be able to bring me out to this place due to families being all family-like & having cookouts & being three sheets to the wind. I was telling someone this morning that this is all so stupid,my life. I'm 43,this is kinda ridiculous.
I understand why people just give up. It's easy. There's this hope we as believers have in Christ. It's real,but at the same time seems so unreal,almost like a dream. I'm fine with having nothing material,fine with having no one to walk hand & hand with through life,fine with never knowing whatever purpose I am supposed to have.
All I need is God,right?
In 3 years I have gone from having everything to having nothing. Or is the reality of it just the opposite?
What is it that I need to learn? Thing's could be worse. God has used unexpected people to help me. I should be homeless. I could be dead. I have eeked out this new existence through the kindness of others.
I always thought I was a person with a thankful heart...maybe I wasn't as much as I thought. I know now that I am thankful for even a cup of coffee. I took a lot for granted. More than I ever wanted to admit. More than I ever even realized.
One thing now that I am hating is feeling like a burden,or someone that people feel sorry for. I'm not fine with that. The more I think about thing's...the less I find that I am truly fine with. In the past 4 months,there was a 3 week period where I felt like life had promise,hope...I felt at peace. Obviously it wasn't to be at that place & time,but it was nice to have that feeling of belonging & acceptance..of love. I know God loves me...it's just nice when you can see & hear & feel that manifestation of it in other's in person from those He's put in your life.
The old iTORE wants to just pack it all in..call it a day. Watch the sun set one last time & disappear once & for all.
The new iTORE can't shake the promise of hope. Wants to see the dawn of a new day & live life to the fullest.
So here I am...here to stay. I guess the world is stuck with me for a bit longer. For better or worse.
I'm sorry to hear about your situation, iTore. Sometimes seasons in life that are painful can take us through a rude humbling process. Well, rude in timing, but I believe this - yours is the Kingdom of Heaven. 'Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.'
I may not have walked in your shoes, but let me tell you a bit about where I have been.
Before I was saved, I was studying at University full time, renting a room from my brother and working weekends. There were times where I wouldn't eat a meal, or for an entire day, because I earned very little, and I was too proud to ask for food from people. Half way through my last year of University, I was saved. After my studies, and without any direction about how or where I should seek a full time job, I had a mild argument with my brother, but even so, knew it was time to pack all my belongings in my car and leave. I drove 15 minutes until I reached a car park in front of a beach, sat there, and cried. I was homeless.
But looking back now, in that moment, I was rich. I had wealth beyond measure, because I was about to see a side of God I would never have come to love and understand unless I was in a state of complete financial, situational, emotional and spiritual humility. I was a mess and so was my situation. Although there were tears flowing as I was feeling sorry for myself, I had tears of joy. In my car, I cried out, "Thank you God for your providential hand in this situation," and I gave thanks for all He would do for me before I even saw it.
So, miracles happened, I had a full time job for my qualifications just placed on my lap, my car died, and a 2 year old sports model car became mine at a ridiculous price, I can travel and spend time away on trips, I have money saved for an over seas trip, I own designer brand clothing... all these things, this life I live, I never would have even dreamed of living. And I'm not talking about the material things to boast of material things, but when you give God what little you have, and most of all, you give Him your trust - He can do wonders with it. I boast in what He is able to do.
I think, most of all, God wanted to teach me what it means to trust Him not just in an emotional sense, such as trusting Him with my heart, but to trust Him to take care of me in my needs, and that He has a heart of a Father that just can't wait to bless us.
Plus, I remember a time my old friend was in financial struggle, and because I was so immensely blessed, I took part in supporting her with what had already been given to me. You know what? I got such a kick from giving. And its funny, because she was the pastor's daughter who could quote all the scriptures about giving, but had such a hard time in receiving. She used the same words you did, 'burden'. But be glad and receive with that beautiful, thankful heart of yours. I'm sure you know how nice it feels to give, be thankful you're helping people feel good about giving, and receive!
So don't lose hope, hold on to that promise of yours! I can't wait to see the other end of this situation, continue to persevere, and while you're at it, share with all of us what the Lord is teaching you through this time! I love people's stories and I like learning from other people.
I'm glad that you are experiencing that peace and love during these times. Hearing that you are holding on to these things even in your situation is encouraging, iTore. And please stay. Seriously... because I said so.