The Banned Game

[Lanolin]

Miss Greenlips Hine had achieved a first for Lanolinland, an entire Kelp Kurtain wall that so far, no outsiders had been able to penetrate.

The only foreigners she was letting in were the ones coming for the Farmers Santa Parade, and they had special VIP visas. She had the list and added a few of her own

Unfortunately for them, the Clones were not on the list. Nor the Wiggles. Or Nessie. Or any Captain America SuperHero.

However The Baby Shark Family was. Jade had specially requested them.

 

[Lanolin]

Miss Bluebell and Miss Tailfeather switched on the Lanovision when they got to their next shearing destination (not all farms had shepherd huts that had tvs) and found that their favourite soap Shortland Street was having a break. They were confused about The Crown - what is this bunch of brits who go round acting all entitled all about anyways?

Miss Bluebell suggested they watch an american tv show but the only one showing was Friends. Miss Tailfeather had never seen it before and so they sat down to watch it.
They were soon hooked and Miss Bluebell said she wanted to move to New York, live in a giant apartment and be broke just like the Friends. Miss Tailfeather said it dont look like they have to do much work, just sit round drinking coffee and pranking each other.

 

[Lanolin]

Miss Bluebell looked in her diary and saw that it was Thanksgiving day in Dixieland. She usually celebrated with a harvest meal and all the fixins like pumpkin pie, but in Lanolinland they didnt have that, just pumpkin soup in a can as it wasnt the right time of year for pumpkins.

Mrs Olive took pity on them so drove them to the nearest KFC where they celebrated with a bucket of original recipe chicken, potato and gravy, AND chips. And also, a real bottle of Coca-Cola that was all shaken up so when they opened it it sprayed out like champagne.

A toast To Lanolinland said Miss Bluebell, offering up her paper cup.
To Lanolinland, said Miss TailFeather, thank you for being such kind hosts.

Mrs Olive said gals you have been great wwoofers and my olive oil is going to be a super virgin crop this year. And so is the honey harvest, you gals been such capable beekeepers that you ought to do a term in the Beehive! not to mention trying your hand at being fleecos. Is there nothing you cant do?

Miss Bluebell said, well, I would like to be an extra on Shortland Street.
Miss Tailfeather said she wanted go try bungy jumping. Just once.

 

[Lanolin]

Rachel had read through nearly the entire Old Testament.

Her family were growing concerned. She didnt want to snorkel, go to the market, play volleyball or even do yoga. She was always lying in her hammock reading her darn Gideons Bible.

Then it came to Sunday, and Rachel said she needed to go to church. Where would she find a church in Raro?

 

[shittim]

Mr. and Mrs. Hairy wish you all a happy Thanksgiving and wish to give each of you
a treat from their new business- Hairy Donuts Inc., see them for franchising information.

 

[jennymae]

There was an ugly rumor forming in Jennymaesia. An infamous ufologist hadn’t cared much about the security issues at hand when communicating with aliens and had accidentally invited a delegation of alien life forms from the planet “War”, or so it sounded like through the ultra super duper radio wave device he had invented for long distance communication from outer space.

Himself was currently unaware of the delegation steadily racing through space in the general direction of earth.

The commanding officer of the space vessel was the hideous Captain Hull Loss, known for numerous crashes in the line of duty.

“First Officer Engine Failure, what is our speed now?” the captain addressed his second in command. The FO checked out the instruments and reported back: “We’re making the light look like a turtle, sir!” The captain nodded in approval. “Then we’ll be on earth in three minutes, get the men in position! Fire only if fired upon!”

A coyote looking man approached the captain. It was the governmental agent. He was about 5’3” and the captain despised him. “Remember, captain, I’m the first one to set foot on the ground! Where will we be landing?” The captain hardly offered him an answer, but finally said: “In a place named Jennymaesia. We have a friend there. From earth!” The agent smiled. “I hope you have reported all the contact you’ve had with your “friend”, unauthorized contact with aliens are strictly against protocol”.

The vessel landed in a holler near the capital. Nobody noticed. “Keep in mind, our mission is to make contact”, the captain said, “lieutenant Blondie! you’re going to the nearest town to observe. Report back!” The beautiful lieutenant Blondie already had changed to an earth like outfit. “Yessir!” she said out very loud. Then he addressed the agent. “You stay on the ship. If the people here see you they will throw you in jail on sight! You look like a hobo!”

Ms Blondie found the city interesting. The male part seemed very friendly but the female part seemed distant. The people looked like people back on her home planet. A palace was dominating the central part of the city. Their ruler probably was there. On the sidewalk a lot of nice restaurants were situated and she sat down for a drink. Even the language was similar. She could easily read the menu. A waitress appeared. “What would it be, sweetie?”

“Oh, just some white wine”, she decided. The waitress brought her the wine. “Just a piece of advice, miss, a girl like you shouldn’t be out here this late all by herself. This a ragged part of town”, the waitress warned her. “This is? But what about that palace?” she pointed at the building. “That building is a super max correctional facility”, the waitress almost giggled.

 

[Lanolin]

Rachel found a church near the hotel so decided to wear a hat and go along, but the service was all in Cook Island Maori and she couldnt understand a word of it.

However at the end of prayers she would say Amene for good luck in case someone prayed for her and besides it was only polite.

She vowed when she fot back to Lanolinland to find out what it was all about. There were several things that gave her pause, first her name was in the Bible, second it mentioned her fair hair and how men were always after her, and thirdly there was a curious thing called the Feast of Trumpets, and she now had a lifetime supply.

 

[Lanolin]

Santa Claus was coming to Lanolinland. Tomorrow was the day the big man in red would appear

The Chippettes were excited as they were performing along with the Chipmunks, at all the Christmas concerts across the country. Their remit was to drive parents nuts.

 

[Lanolin]

Mrs Hairy wasnt very happy with Mr Hairy, co-signing her name to a fast food franchise without even consulting her. Ever since Mr Hairy had gone on The Apprentice, his business schemes had run the gamut of all kinds of junk food, because that was the quickest way to get rich.

Mrs Hairys new job at Shortland Street saw rising numbers suffering from diabetes, gout, heart disease, high cholestrol and the patients needing liposuction had trebled over the past month. This was apart from Monkey Pox. And it wasnt due to some strange virus, it was all due to what junk everyone put in their mouths. It had all started with Mr Hairy's Pringle franchise, and then it was was Tootsie Rolls, now he was capitalising on National Donut Day - everyday.

Why couldnt he just stick with bananas like I told him?! Fumed Mrs Hairy.

 

[kinda]

Leethafnee woke up in a cage.



He was dazed and confused and wasn't sure what just happened. Last thing he remembers was walking along a river bank looking for food.....

All last week a full scale search was conducted by the U.S. Forest Rangers trying to find what beast killed Jeff and Bob. Yesterday they captured Leethafnee by mistake, but Captain Jim Sombody was sure this was the evil beast that slaughtered the season hunters a few weeks back. Jim used a tranquilizer to take Leethafnee at the river bank.



Captain Jim wrote extensive letters informing the grieving families of Jeff and Bob (the two hunters that were brutally killed by an unknown Sasquatch) that justice was swift when it comes to the woods. Jim informed the families that the U.S. Forest Rangers have caught the vicious beast, that killed Jeff and Bob.

Captain Jim Sombody was mighty proud that Leethafnee was scheduled to go under scientific experiments, than to be executed my lethal injection. This information was kept from the public and Jeff and Bob's family.

The news media put out many stories of the captured Sasquatch, gave Captain Jim a full interview, while also hinting that he is hero for preventing this type of incident from ever happening again. Jim receive a raise and his superiors promised him a promotion next year for his valiant effort and top notch performance.

Meanwhile back in the cage Leethafnee's senses is slowly coming back, and his rage is about to erupt.

 

[Lanolin]

The children of Lanolinland were counting down to the Farmers Santa Parade.
In the distance people could hear bagpipes playing, signalling the start of the Parade. It was to go in a loop down Queen Street right to the Farmers store, then a big party in the square outside the town hall.

Everyone held flags and waved agapanthus flowers. A cruise ship was coming into the harbour down town. The whales were also coming into the harbour, and albatrosses were amassing in the park.

The cast of Shortland Street had the day off to watch the parade, as Shortland Street was quite near Queen street, they would have a good view from the hospital roof. The Starship childrens hospital also wheeled out their patients in wheelchairs to get up close.

It was rumoured this year, instead of reindeer, Santa was going to have a fleet of unicorns instead. Also, his new wife would accompany him on his sleigh.

 

[Lanolin]

Depite the rain, thousands turned up for the Santa Parade.
In addtion to flags and agapanthus, the Lanolinland children put their hoodies and umbrellas up.
Mrs Santa Claus was glad she wasnt wearing any makeup, as it would have run.

Parents were asked if they could afford Christmas. Of course not. they answered. Thats why we write to Santa Claus.

Santa waved from this sleigh and the unicorns sparkeled and glowed. They had worn special orange coloured cones for traffic safety.

 

[Lanolin]

Dear Santa baby

I'd like a case of wine and the keys to a cadillac. A few diamonds from Tiffanys and maybe a yacht. Just some small things. And Charlie-boy...My sister Jennymae doesnt deserve him.

From,
your sweetie-pie
Bobbie-Jolene

 

[Lanolin]

Mrs Santa Claus raised her eyebrows at Bobbie-Jolene's brazen request.

Im pretty sure we put an age limit of 12 on gift requests, said Mrs Claus.

Santa chuckled, well you know the Jennymaesians havent quite grown up yet. They also have expensive tastes but the good thing is they often cant tell the difference between real and fake, plus, if we give them things in minature they cant complain they didnt get what they wanted.

I think Bobbie-Jolene should have one of those personalised story books where she is the star. We could call it Bobbie-Jolenes Christmas Fantasy. I could ask Miss Dolly to write it, and have it all rhyme.

Excellent idea, said Santa.

 

[jennymae]

“And what is a ‘facility’? Ms Blondie asked curiously. The waitress gave her a dumbfounded stare. “It’s a prison, missy!”
“And what is a prison?” The waitress could hardly believe the ignorance this fairly normal looking woman displayed. “Well, you know, it’s a place where they deposit the bad seeds”, the waitress said impatiently. “They deposit seeds there?” Ms Blondie said surprised. Why would they do that, she thought. “No, honey, that’s the place where the bad guys are!” the waitress retreated from the table and left Ms Blondie figure out the rest herself.

Ms Blondie was thinking. Why would anybody spend resources on housing bad guys? Wouldn’t it be better to just reprogram them? What a waste of everything. On the other hand, they had tried reprogramming Captain Hull Loss a number of times but he still kept on losing control over his ships. Maybe they ought to put him into a facility?

Suddenly the streets were packed with police officers. A black vehicle rolled down the street followed by other vehicles making an annoying noise. The black vehicle made a stop outside the restaurant she was drinking her wine.

A man and a woman stepped out and was escorted by two men. They sat down a few feet away from her. The woman’s hair was blazing red and the man looked like the movie stars from back home. They must be important people, she thought. “Those people, who are they?” she whispered to a random man who was at the next table. “That’s Her Highness the Empress and her fiancé”, the man said somewhat surprised to learn that somebody didn’t know that. “Is she the ruler here?” Ms Blondie asked. “Well, yeah”, the man said and signaled that he was done talking with her.

 

[Lanolin]

The Chippettes perfomed 'Its all about the Bass' with Eleanor in the lead. Eleanor had eaten plenty of hairy donuts prior and led the way in advertising junk food to the unsuspecting children of Lanolinland.

 

[Lanolin]

Rachel returned to Shortland street to find Kirsty had run off with Lionel and Dr Chris Warner was now making moves on the mute Miss Zipmouth.

Mittens was now answering the phone and Shortland Street had installed an new instant messaging system so now cats could insta each other and their vet showing their wounds and injuries sustained in catfights. Mittens became quite adept at swiping his paws left and right on the screen.

Rachel found she had not much left to do at reception and considered pizza delivery, but that might mean running into Dr Warner again so she tried to find ways to avoid him.

If worse came to worse she could always go back to her old job of selling trumpets. Lord I need your help, she prayed. If you are real, you will make a way.

 

[Moses_Young]

With less fanfare than the Empress and her fiancé, another couple had entered the restaurant. The newcomer, despite his height and his beard seemed fairly inconspicuous, but Blondie noticed his eyes as they seemed to surreptitiously scan the restaurant. When the man's eyes met Blondie's, she quickly looked away, but not soon enough for him to have assessed her as non-threatening. The man's eyes were not something Blondie would quickly forget... his eyes, and one of his teeth... Indeed, it had been a gold tooth, and appeared to wink its greeting at her as if to say "You look like you fit right in here, but I can't tell that you don't - however, don't worry, I won't give your game away".

The woman the strange man was with was definitely someone Blondie would not forget. Although dressed no differently to other Jennymaesian women, this particular female seemed to be too beautiful - perfect in every way. Certainly one to make the male part of the city unbecomingly friendly, and the female part decidedly jealous... except... Blondie smiled to herself. Not too obvious yet, but the woman's navel seemed slightly enlarged to her otherwise perfect proportions. "Pregnant, but only just", she thought to herself, as the woman seated herself at a table nearby the Empress and her fiance, revealing a wedding-ring-of-power on her wedding finger.

Blondie's thoughts were quickly interrupted, as a group of raucous and disorderly black-clothed figures entered the restaurant. They seemed to be associated with the strange man and beautiful woman, but were very, *very* different.

"Philistines?" Blondie thought to herself, wondering if she had time to consume her double-strength, anti-bacterial disease preventant. "Impossible", she answered herself quietly. "The Philistines were extincted from this world some millennia ago... Unless..." Blondie wondered briefly if the never-ending pages of spam fake news still plaguing this world was perhaps being caused by some nefarious Philistine editor-cum-queen.

Her question as to the nature of the interlopers was answered by one of the restaurant waiters. "I'm sorry," the waiter said, speaking to the loud and darkly-dressed newcomers in a voice he was trying to make loud enough to scare them away, but also quiet enough not to ruin the meals of other patrons, "We don't cater for bogans here."

 

[jennymae]

The man with the golden tooth obviously had noticed her. Did he know? How could he have? She didn’t stand out like a sore thumb or anything like that. Maybe he had seen her looking a bit lost? No, not that either. Of course, she was sitting just behind the VIP couple, maybe he thought she was one of their aides?

Why was everything so similar to her own planet? She’d expected unthinkable life forms here, maybe slimy lumps with claws and a split tongue. Even the wine tasted like back home.

She tried to analyze the situation. The only difference was the facilities. These people stocked up criminals like they would need them later for something.

She picked up a stack of paper. It was readable. She had heard about newspapers, but never actually seen one. It was an article about the upcoming wedding between some Empress and her fiancé. Clearly it was the happy campers five feet away. She had to admit, though, that they seemed happier in the newspaper than now. The fiancé was gulping down liquor and the Empress didn’t smile at all.

A picture of a church appeared on page two. They have churches here as well? Even Jesus? She got up and went straight back to Captain Hull Loss.

“What have you done?” she said angrily. The captain got confused. “What are you saying?” She held the newspaper before his face. “This! See the year?” He glanced at the paper. “2022? So what?” Ms Blondie was shaking her head. “You haven’t gotten us to a planet in outer space, you have taken us a 100 years back in time! This is the same earth we left!!!”

 

[Lanolin]

Kevin was looking over his high country sheep station and saw that the nearby plantation block of Pine trees that had been planted to hold up the eroding soil had spread their 'wilding pines' into the next paddock where the sheep were.

This was annoying his male mind. Trees were supposed to stay where they were on each block of land, in neat rows, not spread into the next paddock! Also the sheep were meant to stay behind barbed wire electric fences in square blocks. But now there were no dogs in Lanolinland, the sheep were free to roam and graze if they could jump the fence. But sheep were dumb, it was goats who did that. They were better suited to the dry steep hills than sheep.

However sheep or rather lambs were more tasty and goats fur was not in demand as sheeps wool. Though wool prices were going down as winters were now less cold thanks to 'climate change' do people didnt need to much woolly jumpers anymore. Also many were going vegetarian or vegan and not eating sacrifical lambs anymore. But what would happen to the Golden Shears sheep shearing contest if there were no more sheep in Lanolinland? And they got replaced with goats? He could picture an entire Lanolinland industry based on feta cheese.

He then would have to change the name of Lanolinland to FetaCheeseLand.

Then the idea came to him he could make some money off the wilding pines by selling them to urbanites as Christmas trees to put inside their tiny apartments and state houses because they didnt have any greenery in their bare soil miniscule backyards.

Of course President Lanolin wasnt around to approve this, but he was from the opposing party he often had divergent views of what consituted governance and was just biding his time to take over her job.