To tell or not to tell???

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love_comes_softly

Well-known member
Feb 13, 2019
638
701
93
#1
Hello All,

You have a friend and you find out that their partner/husband/wife etc. is being unfaithful. What do you do?

Do you mind your business?
Do you approach the offending person?
Do you tell your friend?
Do you risk your friendship?
What would you want someone to do if you were the one with the unfaithful partner?
Have you experienced this?


This post is purely out of curiosity. Thankfully it's not a situation I'm in, but it is a question my family and friends have pondered. We are kinda split on what we'd do. So, what would you do?
 

Brandon123

Active member
May 15, 2019
163
91
28
#2
Hello All,

You have a friend and you find out that their partner/husband/wife etc. is being unfaithful. What do you do?

Do you mind your business?
Do you approach the offending person?
Do you tell your friend?
Do you risk your friendship?
What would you want someone to do if you were the one with the unfaithful partner?
Have you experienced this?



This post is purely out of curiosity. Thankfully it's not a situation I'm in, but it is a question my family and friends have pondered. We are kinda split on what we'd do. So, what would you do?
I think I would go to the friend and talk about it...if it was an interpersonal church thing...I would definitely talk to the pastor about what he feels like would be the best way to approach it with the friend...
 

Subhumanoidal

Well-known member
Sep 17, 2018
2,404
1,980
113
#3
If it were someone I knew very well/was close to, I'd tell, for sure. The less I knew someone the less likely I'd be to tell.
This is a great time to switch roles. What if you were being cheated on and found out people close to you knew and never told you. How would you feel towards them not telling you?
 

Solemateleft

Honor, Courage, Commitment
Jun 25, 2017
2,192
1,873
113
#4
Yes,
I have been in this situation...
This is a very delicate scenario. One that requires absolute facts that are not based upon hearsay...
I was unable to sleep after I learned of the circumstances; and was only able to reconcile my concern for my fellow Marine by ensuring that he was informed of the information himself - with the understanding that said information had not been absolutely validated.
He was married with 3 kids... I never learned if the information had ever been proven (never discussed it with anyone else) - all I do know is that he/they decided to stay together...
 

zeroturbulence

Senior Member
Aug 2, 2009
23,690
3,353
113
#5
I would tell them anonymously if possible. Create a new email account and then send them an anonymous email about it and include info that only they would know, just to prove that it's not a hoax. Just sign it as, "A concerned friend who loves you and wants to remain anonymous"

They'll probably figure out who sent it eventually, but by then the cat's already out of the bag.
 

love_comes_softly

Well-known member
Feb 13, 2019
638
701
93
#6
If it were someone I knew very well/was close to, I'd tell, for sure. The less I knew someone the less likely I'd be to tell.
This is a great time to switch roles. What if you were being cheated on and found out people close to you knew and never told you. How would you feel towards them not telling you?
Great question. I’d feel so embarrassed and I’m not sure I’d trust the people who didn’t tell me. I’d be hurt just as badly by a friend that didn’t tell me as my unfaithful boyfriend/husband.

What about you?
 

love_comes_softly

Well-known member
Feb 13, 2019
638
701
93
#7
I would tell them anonymously if possible. Create a new email account and then send them an anonymous email about it and include info that only they would know, just to prove that it's not a hoax. Just sign it as, "A concerned friend who loves you and wants to remain anonymous"

They'll probably figure out who sent it eventually, but by then the cat's already out of the bag.
My sister said the same thing. How would you react if you got an anonymous email?
 

zeroturbulence

Senior Member
Aug 2, 2009
23,690
3,353
113
#8
My sister said the same thing. How would you react if you got an anonymous email?
I'd understand why the person would want to remain anonymous and I'd be thankful that they told me. But I wouldn't like finding out of course.
 
Jun 2, 2019
53
10
8
#9
Since i am sometime when feel like it a very straight forward person since that is my friend i would tell him/her the truth

If both are my friends that's kind of complicated and a headache i think my actions would be to talk with the friend who commited adultery then make a plan to make them up again

If they had childrens it would make me more want to make them up together
 

JosephsDreams

Senior Member
Dec 31, 2015
4,306
457
83
#10
That is a tough call. My usual fall back is to mind my business. Still, I would pray about it. Ya never k ow how the spirit will lead ya, and you can never be wrong if you truly hear and obey God.
 

Subhumanoidal

Well-known member
Sep 17, 2018
2,404
1,980
113
#11
Great question. I’d feel so embarrassed and I’m not sure I’d trust the people who didn’t tell me. I’d be hurt just as badly by a friend that didn’t tell me as my unfaithful boyfriend/husband.

What about you?
I'd definitely feel betrayed by a "friend" that allowed me to be deceived and mistreated in such a manner.
There's a false notion that lying to spare someone is being nice to them, or even is loving. But I disagree. For me loving is honesty and looking out for them, not just in the present, but in the long term.
This is a problem particularly common among many Christian's I've seen.
 

Mezame83

Well-known member
Mar 18, 2019
245
265
63
#12
If I ever found this out about a friend without hesitation I would tell them. I expect the same in return, regardless of the inevitable pain I would experience, I would expect a friend to tell me and I would love and appreciate them for their integrity.
My sister was once in this situation and she confronted the husband that was cheating on her friend and told him to come forward by the end of that day otherwise that night she would tell her he was cheating. The guy told his wife and to this day they are still married, that was 9 years ago.
 

Ruby123

Well-known member
Mar 1, 2019
5,244
4,012
113
#13
I would definitely tell them as they would deserve to know the truth. I would expect to be told if it were the other way around.
 

love_comes_softly

Well-known member
Feb 13, 2019
638
701
93
#14
I'd definitely feel betrayed by a "friend" that allowed me to be deceived and mistreated in such a manner.
There's a false notion that lying to spare someone is being nice to them, or even is loving. But I disagree. For me loving is honesty and looking out for them, not just in the present, but in the long term.
This is a problem particularly common among many Christian's I've seen.
That is exactly what I'm hearing from the those that wouldn't say anything.
 

TamLynn

A heart at rest
Nov 27, 2014
818
835
93
#15
I would tell.

My friends told me when they found out about my ex. (They knew I had suspicions, and confirmed it).
They actually hacked into his email and printed off a novel FULL of lies and tall tales to various women. It was sickening.

He was also on almost every free dating site.
Months after we separated, I was talking with a friend and mentioned to her about his online dating profile and
she replies, "Oh, so you know about that?"
😐😶😕😠
 

christian74

Senior Member
Oct 1, 2013
567
251
63
#16
Dear TamLynn,

I am not trying to make light of your story.. but can you introduce your talented friends to me please?
I messaged this woman on a dating website like 2 months ago and I haven't heard back from her.
I just need to know if she read my message and wonder if this is something your friends can help me with.

Thank you in advance.
 

TamLynn

A heart at rest
Nov 27, 2014
818
835
93
#17
Dear TamLynn,

I am not trying to make light of your story.. but can you introduce your talented friends to me please?
I messaged this woman on a dating website like 2 months ago and I haven't heard back from her.
I just need to know if she read my message and wonder if this is something your friends can help me with.

Thank you in advance.
My ex has also found gf's on Craig's list! Perhaps you could try that? 😉
 

17Bees

Senior Member
Oct 14, 2016
1,061
623
113
#18
Dear TamLynn,

I am not trying to make light of your story.. but can you introduce your talented friends to me please?
I messaged this woman on a dating website like 2 months ago and I haven't heard back from her.
I just need to know if she read my message and wonder if this is something your friends can help me with.

Thank you in advance.
My ex has also found gf's on Craig's list! Perhaps you could try that? 😉
There's always a pound of tragedy in an ounce of humor. I admire this innate ability in some to detach. To get beyond themselves, to widen their escape routes from awful circumstances. There is heroism in humor. Always, always.

ok....I'm done...... as you were......
 

Brandon123

Active member
May 15, 2019
163
91
28
#19
My ex has also found gf's on Craig's list! Perhaps you could try that? 😉
Hey Tamlynn I’ve heard really bad things about Craig’s list lol If he’s there he’s not in good company...