walking away

Jullianna · Oct 31, 2011

I’m beginning to lose count of the number of times that I have really liked a guy, but walked away from him because I felt that I would either be keeping him from something he wanted to do (although vehemently denied by the guy haha) or because another lady I cared about liked him too. Is it selfish to want to be with someone under either of those circumstances, especially when the guy truly appears to really like you as well?

There have been times when a guy or friends have said that I shouldn’t do this…that I should fight for a relationship if I truly want it. If a relationship is right, is that really necessary? Where do you draw the line? Are guys testing us in some way when this happens (not sure I like that…)? Are they, as some of my friends have said, trying to provoke me to jealousy or something (don’t like the idea of that either)?

Matthew · Oct 31, 2011

It took me a long time to come to this, but I do the whole backaway thing too, I give a woman all her space to choose other activities or other relationships etc....not to test her, but to see just how willing she is to say to me, it's you, and nothing will stop me from being with you, except you, because I believe what you say, that it shouldn't be necesary to really fight, to convince someone, if a person is right and feels you are right they should give it all away without you going to war.

I think it's human nature to want, if not need that affirmation, especially after bad relationships, or being at a stage of life where there is less time to mess around and start again etc......

But I always have to fight my desire to feel that coming from the woman so that I am not falling short of demonstrating to her that I also feel that way, because I am aware that she needs to feel that too.

If like you say there is another interested party, I've come to learn through bitter experience to simply put it all out there, and not just retreat, because while it feels most noble and very much like the high ground it is actually a disservice to ourselves and the others involved.
We all need to confront our feelings to be sure we get the correct outcome, backing away and letting them fade spares the pain but gives rise to the 'what might have been' ache in the heart that does not ever fade away.

It is about finding a balance between being honest for yourself and for the other people who deserve to be shown that respect, and not becoming selfish and aggressive in pursuing what you want, consequences be damned. If that balance exists to be found I have no idea!!

phil36 · Oct 31, 2011

Jullianna said:

Hi Julianna, you said you 'felt' like the guy wanted to do something else. This may not mean that he does? And you can't stop just because anotherlady frien likes him, this may true, but he may like you!

I'm not sure but sometimes past events, experiences make us feel like we don't deserve this or that or that we are not good enough for this or that, but hold your head high, for you are a child of the most high almighty. It may not be the guy but something within you? stopping you.. I don't know (please don't take offence at what I've said, for I don't know the full story, nor do I mean to offend).

Maybe the guys are playing mind games, I don't know either, but, let go, and see .

So,

If you know that the guy wants somethign else rather than a relationship you, it is certainly ot a good idea, and its selfishness per say.

If a lady friend likes the same guy you do, and he likes you, it's not being selfish either.

Anyhow, I'm no expert. And this may sound like a cliche, but let God guide you.

LightningClap0002 · Oct 31, 2011

Jullianna said:

I think the "fighting for" comes later. If I'm going to fight for something, I want to know that it's worth fighting for. To me, at least, that requires a relationship to begin with. I certainly don't want to be fighting for a cloud(something unattainable) or for a lame duck (something undesirable). That said, especially in the case of another person pursuing him(her), it is probably beneficial to not just pretend that there isn't something. Who knows, maybe he just needs for you to open up enough to see that you aren't completely shut off.

As for testing, I think in all relationships there is some amount of testing, people need to push the boundaries, find out how much to invest. It shouldn't be something you practice for, it shouldn't be something you modify your behavior to "pass the test". Doing that, to me, defeats the whole point of a relationship at that level. The point is to get to know someone, try and understand if they might be the special person they are looking for. To try and figure out the right answer to their test will most often further confuse (or worse) them.

If you don't like how passive you are, it may be worth changing that. But don't pretend to be more assertive than you are just to get a guys attention. That guy is probably looking for the assertive girl, not the passive girl. Even in our growingly feminist society, there are still guys that want to fight for girls that want to be fought for.

EDIT: Not to say you're passive necessarily... use assertive = fight for what you want; passive = let it pass

zeroturbulence · Oct 31, 2011

Jullianna said:

I’m beginning to lose count of the number of times that I have really liked a guy, but walked away from him because I felt that I would either be keeping him from something he wanted to do (although vehemently denied by the guy haha) or because another lady I cared about liked him too. Is it selfish to want to be with someone under either of those circumstances, especially when the guy truly appears to really like you as well?

There have been times when a guy or friends have said that I shouldn’t do this…that I should fight for a relationship if I truly want it. If a relationship is right, is that really necessary? Where do you draw the line? Are guys testing us in some way when this happens (not sure I like that&#8230? Are they, as some of my friends have said, trying to provoke me to jealousy or something (don’t like the idea of that either)?

Trust me Jullianna, if you really like a guy...at least one of your lady friends is going to really like him too.

Is it selfish to give him up so another can have a chance? No. ...But is it a strategy for failure? Yes!

zeroturbulence · Oct 31, 2011

...continued (ran out of editing time)..

A great general was once surrounded by his enemies and his mind was racked with indecision about what he should do. He sought the counsel of a wise zen master who told him this:

"Cut off your dualism, and let the one sword stand serenely by itself against the sky!"

In other words, surmise the situation as best you can and come to a decision and commit to it.
If you feel this man would be a better partner for your friend, let him go. But if you feel you really want him for yourself...then HOLD ON TO HIM FOR DEAR LIFE!!

We only get go around this life once, you know.

Jullianna · Oct 31, 2011

zeroturbulence said:

...continued (ran out of editing time)..

A great general was once surrounded by his enemies and his mind was racked with indecision about what he should do. He sought the counsel of a wise zen master who told him this:

"Cut off your dualism, and let the one sword stand serenely by itself against the sky!"

In other words, surmise the situation as best you can and come to a decision and commit to it.
If you feel this man would be a better partner for your friend, let him go. But if you feel you really want him for yourself...then HOLD ON TO HIM FOR DEAR LIFE!!

We only get go around this life once, you know.

I think that's probably one of the smartest things I've read in a long time

Jullianna · Oct 31, 2011

Thanks. I have some thinkin' to do

I dunno...seems like guys want you to all but stalk them to show them that you're interested. Glad to know from reading this that it's not QUITE that bad

I step back and look at the games sometimes and wonder if some guys are simply interested in the hunt and nothing more meaningful. That doesn't quite do it for me.

niceguyJ · Oct 31, 2011

Jullianna said:

I just wanted to comment on that part. That seems like a lot of pressure to put on yourself. I think that is HIS decision to make, not yours.
Yes, you can make the decision and walk away and he will have to accept that...but that is taking the decision out of his hands. After all, it only takes one to say "no" but two to say "yes".
I can understand where you're coming from though if you're afraid that he'd give up something for you and then resent you later because of it....Still though...

Edit: Also, perhaps he'd think you are way better than what he gave up. Just another thought.

Jullianna · Oct 31, 2011

niceguyJ said:

I just wanted to comment on that part. That seems like a lot of pressure to put on yourself. I think that is HIS decision to make, not yours.
Yes, you can make the decision and walk away and he will have to accept that...but that is taking the decision out of his hands. After all, it only takes one to say "no" but two to say "yes".
I can understand where you're coming from though if you're afraid that he'd give up something for you and then resent you later because of it....Still though...[/quote]

Exactly. When someone has studied and chosen certain jobs in order to move toward a particular dream/goal, it seems unlikely that they wouldn't have regrets at some point. Feelings often cause us to make choices we may regret later.

niceguyJ · Oct 31, 2011

Jullianna said:

There is a flip side to that. In case you didn't see my edit I made after already posting:
Also, perhaps he'd think you are way better than what he gave up. Just another thought.

Jullianna · Oct 31, 2011

Thank you

Maybe in trying to do the right thing I just think too much...

GreenNnice · Nov 1, 2011

Jullianna said:

---
Pray and go , the Lord leads, bring your being to an understanding that you can love again even after having a great loving husband taken to the Lord much too young.

Always too, it's true feelings for a girl scared of a guy's advances. Are they true?

Again, pray, I know it may seem so simple to do, but God does so great things for us when we take the time to do it.

Blood of Christ protection, pray for 'it.' You will not be disappointed, in fact, you might be saved, literally, IF you are a girl and guy advances too much.

And...competition is good, julieannie, it, just from a purely theoretical standpoint, makes the true winner seen.
Hey, marriage is a long time and IF you really like a guy a girl friend of yours likes too then let HIM know you like him and therein will be an answer, He speaking words of wisdom, let it then be so, and, to him, let your feelings be known. Tell your girl friend too and, if she is a christian, she should understand, and, if not, then, it's more difficult to go after the same guy . But this a time to go to God and ask how you can witness to her as you show her politely you like the same guy she does.

Jullianna · Nov 1, 2011

LightningClap0002 said:

I think the "fighting for" comes later. If I'm going to fight for something, I want to know that it's worth fighting for. To me, at least, that requires a relationship to begin with. I certainly don't want to be fighting for a cloud(something unattainable) or for a lame duck (something undesirable). That said, especially in the case of another person pursuing him(her), it is probably beneficial to not just pretend that there isn't something. Who knows, maybe he just needs for you to open up enough to see that you aren't completely shut off.

As for testing, I think in all relationships there is some amount of testing, people need to push the boundaries, find out how much to invest. It shouldn't be something you practice for, it shouldn't be something you modify your behavior to "pass the test". Doing that, to me, defeats the whole point of a relationship at that level. The point is to get to know someone, try and understand if they might be the special person they are looking for. To try and figure out the right answer to their test will most often further confuse (or worse) them.

If you don't like how passive you are, it may be worth changing that. But don't pretend to be more assertive than you are just to get a guys attention. That guy is probably looking for the assertive girl, not the passive girl. Even in our growingly feminist society, there are still guys that want to fight for girls that want to be fought for.

EDIT: Not to say you're passive necessarily... use assertive = fight for what you want; passive = let it pass

Hmmm...I'm probably not a passive person. At least I don't think so.

I am wondering though whether there are times when we deny ourselves/throw ourselves under the bus far more often than God has really called us to. Do we take it a bit too far sometimes... After all, God DID say that it wasn't good for Adam to be alone. Maybe He's trying to get that same point through my hard head.

Maybe it really is okay to want SOME things.

Jullianna · Nov 1, 2011

Matthew said:

It took me a long time to come to this, but I do the whole backaway thing too, I give a woman all her space to choose other activities or other relationships etc....not to test her, but to see just how willing she is to say to me, it's you, and nothing will stop me from being with you, except you, because I believe what you say, that it shouldn't be necesary to really fight, to convince someone, if a person is right and feels you are right they should give it all away without you going to war.

I think it's human nature to want, if not need that affirmation, especially after bad relationships, or being at a stage of life where there is less time to mess around and start again etc......

But I always have to fight my desire to feel that coming from the woman so that I am not falling short of demonstrating to her that I also feel that way, because I am aware that she needs to feel that too.

If like you say there is another interested party, I've come to learn through bitter experience to simply put it all out there, and not just retreat, because while it feels most noble and very much like the high ground it is actually a disservice to ourselves and the others involved.
We all need to confront our feelings to be sure we get the correct outcome, backing away and letting them fade spares the pain but gives rise to the 'what might have been' ache in the heart that does not ever fade away.

It is about finding a balance between being honest for yourself and for the other people who deserve to be shown that respect, and not becoming selfish and aggressive in pursuing what you want, consequences be damned. If that balance exists to be found I have no idea!!

haha I hear ya

Stuey · Nov 1, 2011

niceguyJ said:

I agree with this I think. You say that the guy denies this - the guy may value you more than his aspirations... I think that he may like to make this decision.

Matthew · Nov 1, 2011

Jullianna said:

I think this is defiently true, but I also think it runs with different personalities and some people don't have this particular issue, I think it is normal to come to realise that at times selfishness is not a bad thing and actually it's bad to try to be every situations martyr.

Jullianna · Nov 1, 2011

I totally understand, Matthew. I often think you and I share a brain.

While the scriptures say that love doesn’t demand it’s own way, it doesn’t mean that we can’t long for love in its purest form, does it? I’m thinking of the way Jesus wept over Jerusalem…

I’ve been asking God why I keep having to walk away and it’s almost as if He’s saying..ahem…I’ve been sending rescue choppers and you’ve been waving them off. Kind of a DUH moment for me.

AAAPlus · Nov 1, 2011

Jullianna said:

If you truly wanted the guy, you wouldn't have let him go for these reasons. Being in a relationship means sacrifice; you would be hard pressed to find someone who agrees with you on everything and wants exactly what you want out of life. But the whole thing is that people are willing to sacrifice a lot of big and small things for the sake of love, and that's not necessarily a bad thing. In some ways, it is just us being pruned of what God doesn't want for our lives, and letting others come before ourselves. These are things that often have more value than what we want.

But dumping a guy because of the reasons you gave makes me think that subliminally, there was another reason you didn't like the guy; something you couldn't put into words. So you used those surface level, tangible reasons to dump him instead. This is fine; those subliminal or emotional reasons that you can't put into words can also be valid, just don't convince yourself that they don't exist. It seems like you just want to seem like a good person; like you're sacrificing the relationship for someone else's benefit. But more likely it's for selfish reasons. Only you know, and you can't hide it from God. Maybe you should go to God and ask Him to reveal your real motives.

Jullianna · Nov 1, 2011

AAAPlus said:

Those WERE my real motives

God knows this.

A man devotes several years to law enforcement while he puts himself through law school at night, works long hard hours as a prosecuting attorney while he studies counterterrorism and masters several languages, and finally lands his dream job as a counterterrorism expert that would take him around the world for long periods of time. We're talking a total of almost 15 years that he'd been working toward this.

Yes, people do make sacrifices. But 15 years of study and hard work seemed FAR too much to ask anyone to sacrifice. Perhaps you could have allowed someone to do that. I could not and I do not regret my decision, especially when I look at the world around me and realize the impact of his work.

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