What am I doing wrong???

Nemakiza · Apr 9, 2015

Ha Ha secular, this is interesting. I feel you are worrying too much about your future spouse. I often question myself about the bible verse 1 Corinthian 13, If we could all understand this verse we could be saved instead we try to save ourselves. I know Mary and Joseph were dating but at least Joseph did respect Mary. In today's world men are too controlling their women, trust me If I say No to a man for sex, he will hate me completely and leave me, but if I am into him I have no option rather do what he wants and this is selfish, because in the I am the one who got hurt. So in order to be faithful to God No dating for me, since even a blind date let's you know your spouse for everything except being interacting sexually and that is what I love. No sex before marriage.

About other things you have mentioned, it is a person attitude and traits it is not cultural things. How could you want to marry someone who does not speak your language, otherwise you are prepared for it, because how could you two communicate?

I don't speak any language other than English and Swahili and my passion for language diversity is limited due to my hearing disability and I would never want to marry a person whose language is not English and Swahili would be an added advantage.

Lynx · Apr 9, 2015

Shouryu said:

SHHHHHHHH! Don't burst the bubble man! God has someone for everyone and all I have to do is kick back and wait for Him to send her my way. Some guy in the Bible who wrote a lot and never got married doesn't matter.

And don't even think about bringing up the bit in the Bible about being content in your current situation. Oops I just brought it up...

In other news - the thread title reminds me of a Peanuts comic. Charlie Brown is in bed waiting to fall asleep and he says, "Sometimes at night I lie awake and ask myself, 'Where did I go wrong?' Then a voice comes to me and says, "Well... this is going to take more than one night.'"

Roh_Chris · Apr 9, 2015

Alriiiiiight. Didn't cinder and gypsygirl advise us to be nicer to people? Didn't we all nod in agreement? Let's put that to use folks..

Hey girl, first of all, welcome to CC Singles. I hope you meet some wonderful people here. May this site be a blessing to you.

In answer to your question - yes, single life can be lonely at times. But you are doing a great job. You are waiting on God to bring someone into your life. You have a good career and you are financially stable. You are spending time with God. All these are very good points. So, good job.

Now this is what you need to work on. I may be wrong in my advice because I am basing this on what I inferred from your post. You have to move out a bit. Do you frequent any public place often? Maybe a library. Or a cafe. Or a gym. Or a recreational club. Are you actively involved in your church (choir, music, Sunday shool, etc.)? From what I read, I don't think you have done this a lot. If you haven't, then start it.

And while you are at it, learn to enjoy your company. That will radiate confidence. Guys find such girls attractive. Don't think about the 'elusive' guy. Think that you are having a good time with yourself (and keep an eye out for him when he shows up). Enjoy single life. Travel the world. Save up and pamper yourself. Learn a new language. Write and publish a book. Go on a mission trip somewhere. Think of these days as valuable days which you may never get again. Make every day count as you set targets and improve yourself. Eventually, you will find that there is so much that you can do but so little time!

Ugly · Apr 9, 2015

goodgirl26 said:

This is a sad post. I don't mean it insultingly, but actually mean it is regrettable to see you think that following God is supposed to be equated to finding a man. And that if you haven't found a man that your life, or even yourself, are somehow incomplete and you are doing something 'wrong' by not being married yet.
If you are truly so dedicated to Christ you would understand that marriage is not required, nor is it promised, to believers. It was actually discouraged by Paul. So if anything it could be said you being single is more positive, from a Godly perspective, than it indicates anything being wrong.
My advice on what you are doing wrong, stop worrying about a man. Life your life, be single, and stop worrying on things that God doesn't promise and misconstruing these ideas as indicators that things are not right. It's quite possible that, if God does have someone for you, He may hold him back because your focus on being with someone is such a high level of importance to you that it may even be seen as an idol status. Don't do things in your life with the idea you will 'earn' a man, but live your life to do the right thing because that is your desire, regardless of if you are single or not. God may have better things in store for you, but you won't be able to figure that out because you have your own priorities and plans and expectations, not those of God.

secularhermit · Apr 9, 2015

Nemakiza said:

Ha Ha secular, this is interesting. I feel you are worrying too much about your future spouse. I often question myself about the bible verse 1 Corinthian 13, If we could all understand this verse we could be saved instead we try to save ourselves. I know Mary and Joseph were dating but at least Joseph did respect Mary. In today's world men are too controlling their women, trust me If I say No to a man for sex, he will hate me completely and leave me, but if I am into him I have no option rather do what he wants and this is selfish, because in the I am the one who got hurt. So in order to be faithful to God No dating for me, since even a blind date let's you know your spouse for everything except being interacting sexually and that is what I love. No sex before marriage.

About other things you have mentioned, it is a person attitude and traits it is not cultural things. How could you want to marry someone who does not speak your language, otherwise you are prepared for it, because how could you two communicate?

I don't speak any language other than English and Swahili and my passion for language diversity is limited due to my hearing disability and I would never want to marry a person whose language is not English and Swahili would be an added advantage.

Ha! Ha! Ha!

No, I´m dead. Tomorrow I will buried so, that "widow", is not invited to be there.

PS

I could not stop myself to write, before reading this few words you left.

And, the question is still alive, for any age: "Am I doing something wrong?"

Yes!

I´m always wrong.

secularhermit · Apr 9, 2015

Nemakiza said:

There are hopes, men, there are hopes.

Ha! Ha!

When I was young I thought it would be nice to marry a Pemon, whose language barrier was the same size of mine, because I knew too little words her mother tongue.

After few days I knew I was wrong and knew I was thinking of sex, instead of love.

Those days I belonged to a city, now I know I could ask a Pemon to marry me, because now I live their simple ways (not in those years)

But I´m absolutely sure that decision is too far from my inner ideas, will or passion. Dating served but, knowing THAT person is much more than touching her. Living inside her culture, is much more than hearing "how she lives".

Your hearing disability, my culture or my place, can be a blessing and, as long as we can type and read, these could could be a blessing also, but he needs to communicate your own ways.

Breeze7 · Apr 9, 2015

This reply is addressed at goodgirl26 (whom started the forum)

I understand what your describing. Timing is such a huge thing when it comes to finding someone. When your in school everyone is thinking about their future so they may just want friends only and not really want to get deeply involved( which is right for life and careers). Anyway, linking with a love is in a big part sociological. Sometimes the person we imagine doesn't even exist. We always think the other is going to have everything in their life going correctly for them. Its not always the case but once in a while what we think we need or deserve eliminates possible people. The only other thing I wanted to add was looking in the right place. Where is it? I'm not really sure but this website is a start so at least you found this. God bless and good luck.

Simo1138 · Apr 10, 2015

How old are you exactly? You've got time.

CatHerder · Apr 11, 2015

Ugly said:

"you must spread rep around before you can give more to Ugly....yadda yadda yadda."

I've been seeing this thread here for a few days and wasn't quite sure how I would tactfully respond. Others have done a great job in pointing out that being single does not equal being more flawed that married folks. But there is another problem I have with the OP that Ugly touched on a bit...

There is this thinking that if we do X, Y, and Z, and can avoid doing, Q, R, and S, that God will shower us with the things that we want....when we want them. He may. He may not. This type of thinking lacks an understanding of the sovereignty of God. He may choose to bless us for our behavior, but he is not one to be manipulated by our behavior. If I did X because I thought God owed me a blessing because of it, and that was the result every time, then there would really be no need for faith. We would think that the results were based on OUR actions instead of God's. In fact, this type of thinking actually encourages us to be our own gods.

There are many wonderful, God-fearing folks who are lonely and may remain that way until the ends of their days. Because bad things may happen to godly people and good things may be withheld from godly people does not mean that God loves you less or that you are doing anything wrong.

An extreme example: The Bible does not record that Job's sons horrible and ungodly and deserved to be killed the way they did. Yet, they were an important part of Job's story, making clear that his suffering was emotional as well as physical. At the end of the story, God is glorified and Job's health and riches are restored. But Job's children are still dead. Our triumphs as well as our tragedies should glorify God. To allow something in your life like being single rob you of your joy in the Lord tells me that you have made this an idol.

DCrawshawJr · Apr 11, 2015

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. You ask us what you're doing wrong. I'm assuming you want to be married, but aren't. Why do you want to be married? If it's just out of loneliness, marriage is not the best way to cure it. Marriage is more than just having a companion, and you don't even need to be married to have a companion (although I would suggest another female as a friend, seeing as a man may want something more...). Marriage is too hard a ministry for it to be just about companionship.

Now to answer your question, what are you doing wrong? I don't know. What I would suggest if you really want to be married, network, network, network! First, pray to Jesus about it. Then go to your pastor and ask if he knows any eligible bachelors. He may ask you why you want to be married also. Tell the truth. Remember, in all this, do all that you do for Jesus.

Test_F_i_2_Luv · Apr 12, 2015

secularhermit said:

Is "foolish" his word or your word?

If it was his word, what aspect(s) of the culture did he find foolish?

You're in Israel?

secularhermit · Apr 12, 2015

Nemakiza said:

Your point a). I think that is right. Instead, I would say, it is OUR option to change AND adjust. But your point b) said you were in India and you didn't adjust to their TV broadcasting when saying they are controlled. This is not a piece of new, we are tried to be controlled everywhere and, as you have probably read everywhere online and in every culture, there are rules you cannot break and, if you do, their laws and their censorship will reach you one day, although they might be saying: "we don't to dominate or deny her human rights, but WE have our rules" (as you also have it in tour minds, Nema)

Your point b) is limited on the things you really disliked from India. If I had to endure my girlfriend's rules or her family's rule (as many people there endure) I would regret moving to India but, in spite of that globalization you mentioned well, those belong to that culture, who moved to Trinidad (for example) keep on following their rules in that island near Venezuela (although Muslims are enforcing their "rules" on that nation to). I have enough information that, when people moved, they also take a luggage of their customs or ideas wherever they go. North American missionaries, when moving to live certain places of Africa, felt uncomfortable when native came LATE to those meetings organized by Americans so, in the long run, Americans had t9o adjust to those customs and habits, instead of the American way to be sharp and on time. Of course, there are succeeding exceptions, once those African were transculturalized by a new "faith" or foreign social systems.

Needless to say in your country (or mine) TV channels and other massive broadcast systems are controlled: By their countries' laws, by their economic interests and by their religious systems. I will lie if I tried to deny those things aren't so!

If we were really free to adjust, we could be happy everywhere and, when I lived in Colombia, I adjusted well to that "house", but I know my heart belongs to where my home is: My house, my roof, what I built and fully paid for.

c) Transitions? These are everywhere, even in our hearts: I married that woman and, any day, I think I was wrong when I made that decision. Just by saying: "We don't belong" "She's too different from me" "She's not what I wanted" or more selfishly and narcissist: "She's not ehe one I deserved".

In India, their "need" to rape (apparently compulsively) comes from DEMONIC powers. A great nation with such a huge confusion of gods, religions, beliefs and idols can be better explained by Christian people enduring their faith in such a battlefield and those acts aren't compared to the religious "peace" that Latin Americans live today, because in Venezuela things aren't like that, at least publicly.

May I sell you an air ticket to come to Latin America?

thecreationtutor · Apr 12, 2015

I discovered why I am single, because I want to be, though I say I do not want to be.

I am selfish and set in my ways - am I able to change - in Christ yes, trying to realize that it's not in me that I will find what I need, but in Christ.

Do I seek out just friendships with people no, so my circle of friends is limited to a few people I call on the phone and maybe one friend I can hang out with in person. Is this my doing - yes

Am I ready to love people in their fallenness - no, I want to love them for their greatness
Am I ready to be loved despite my fallenness - no, I want to be love for the great things I do

secularhermit · Apr 12, 2015

Test_F_i_2_Luv said:

Yes!

He uses another word so, certainly I chose foolishness to skip what he thinks when not being integrated to the place (Venezuela) he came to live and work.

MollyConnor · Apr 12, 2015

I think as Christian singles, (not just the OP but all of us on here) we shouldn't expect to find Mr. or Mrs. Right. Look at Paul, he never got married and he was fine with that. Yes, I know it's hard but I've realized that I shouldn't be expecting a spouse from the Lord because what if he never comes? What if that's not what the Lord has for my future?

We all need to be happy serving the Lord and hoping for his best in our lives. Sometimes that may be singleness. Sometimes it may be a spouse but maybe you won't find him/her until your 60! What if that happens? That means you've wasted 60 years of your life waiting for life to start. We need to live life now and show the world who Jesus is. Jesus put God first, not a spouse.

Think of it this way, when you die, your spouse is not going with you. The only relationship you get to take (that will last for eternity) is the one you have with the Lord. Develop that relationship first and you will start to see how content you can be as a single person.

I hope everyone who wants a spouse gets one, but if you don't, know that Jesus still loves you and that you are never alone.

Kaycie · Apr 12, 2015

Maybe it's not what you are doing or not doing, and everyone has flaws, and it takes a mature man to accept that. Maybe that kind of guy just isn't around you. I thought I met the guy for me, but he's too intolerant. I will never be good enough for him, so even if it did work I would have to walk on eggshells my whole life constantly trying to be good enough in his eyes, and I just don't want to spend my life like that anyways. If you are not good enough in his eyes for him to chase after you (with gusto) then it will never work. It's better to be alone than to be with someone who doesn't have the maturity to make it through the storms of marriage.

Shouryu · Apr 12, 2015

MollyConnor said:

*saunters in to clear up any misleading teaching*

This is not necessarily true. While it is true that when he was writing I Corinithians, he was not married (more likely: no LONGER married), it does NOT mean that he was NEVER married.

But, the rest of your points are salient and applicable. Good post overall; just have to make sure we don't add things to scripture that aren't there. ^_^

Nemakiza · Apr 13, 2015

secularhermit said:

Your point a). I think that is right. Instead, I would say, it is OUR option to change AND adjust. But your point b) said you were in India and you didn't adjust to their TV broadcasting when saying they are controlled. This is not a piece of new, we are tried to be controlled everywhere and, as you have probably read everywhere online and in every culture, there are rules you cannot break and, if you do, their laws and their censorship will reach you one day, although they might be saying: "we don't to dominate or deny her human rights, but WE have our rules" (as you also have it in tour minds, Nema)

Your point b)is limited on the things you really disliked from India. If I had to endure my girlfriend's rules or her family's rule (as many people there endure) I would regret moving to India but, in spite of that globalization you mentioned well, those belong to that culture, who moved to Trinidad (for example) keep on following their rules in that island near Venezuela (although Muslims are enforcing their "rules" on that nation to). I have enough information that, when people moved, they also take a luggage of their customs or ideas wherever they go. North American missionaries, when moving to live certain places of Africa, felt uncomfortable when native came LATE to those meetings organized by Americans so, in the long run, Americans had t9o adjust to those customs and habits, instead of the American way to be sharp and on time. Of course, there are succeeding exceptions, once those African were transculturalized by a new "faith" or foreign social systems.

Needless to say in your country (or mine) TV channels and other massive broadcast systems are controlled: By their countries' laws, by their economic interests and by their religious systems. I will lie if I tried to deny those things aren't so!

If we were really free to adjust, we could be happy everywhere and, when I lived in Colombia, I adjusted well to that "house", but I know my heart belongs to where my home is: My house, my roof, what I built and fully paid for.

c) Transitions? These are everywhere, even in our hearts: I married that woman and, any day, I think I was wrong when I made that decision. Just by saying: "We don't belong" "She's too different from me" "She's not what I wanted" or more selfishly and narcissist: "She's not ehe one I deserved".

In India, their "need" to rape (apparently compulsively) comes from DEMONIC powers. A great nation with such a huge confusion of gods, religions, beliefs and idols can be better explained by Christian people enduring their faith in such a battlefield and those acts aren't compared to the religious "peace" that Latin Americans live today, because in Venezuela things aren't like that, at least publicly.

May I sell you an air ticket to come to Latin America?

LOL....Thank you for invitation to visit Latin America.

Alextor · Apr 13, 2015

Everyone so far has talked about Paul but has not yet written what he actually said.

"But I want you to be without care. He who is unmarried cares for the things of the Lord-how he may please the Lord. But he who is married cares about the things of the world-how he may please his wife."

"The unmarried woman cares about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit. But she who is married cares about the things of the world-how she may please her husband."

"And this I say for your own profit, not that I may put a leash on you, but for what is proper, and that you may serve the Lord without distraction."

These verses are found in 1 Corinthians chapter 7. As we read the whole chapter we come to understand that Paul does not command this. Living this way is something that not everyone will be able to do.

Femalelamb · Apr 13, 2015

Don't be in a hurry. Marriage is hard. Run hard after God then look next to you... There you are equally yoked. I pray God guides your steps. Also, that you allow the man to pursue you.

Lastly, I regularly advise single people to get a special nice leather journal. Write letters and prayers for your future spouse. That way you are already pouring your heart out to them, and for them. Pray for their purity, their health, your mother in law... Hee hee you will need to be in practice for that one... Just kidding, I pray your have the best mother in law ever! But also make a list of qualities in this journal. Do not ever write about someone you know. Keep it generic just for the true love. Do not share it with anyone but God. In those qualities you want in a husband, do not EVER settle for less. I wish someone would have mentored me into doing this very thing. I was so nieve when I got married, and me and my children still suffer for many mistakes I made.

Sincerely, A Caring Sister

What am I doing wrong???

Nemakiza

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Folksy yet erudite

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Ugly

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Breeze7

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Simo1138

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DCrawshawJr

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MollyConnor

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Kaycie

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