I lose sight of the real me sometimes because I have been forced by others and by circumstances to pretend to be something that I'm not. But the real me is the child inside who would look out her bedroom window at night and dream of God- before thoughts of money, and marriage, and etc. Or climb a tree and search for God through the leaves, branches, and sky. I was always serving others- bringing them a drink of water or asking if I can help. I put others before myself- even during great physical pain. Like at 7 years old when I took a pie out of the oven for my siblings- without oven mitts. I didn't want to ruin their pie, so I gently set it on the counter before I screamed. That night I had to sleep with my arms hanging off the edge of the bed, because of the blisters- like Jesus on the cross. I remember asking Him if this is how He felt. I was so positive that the thought of having even pain in common with Him brought me great joy. I had a hard life, yet people said I always had a smile on my face. They didn't know that I was just excited about God.
So what makes me me? I guess is when people see that person who I truly am inside. Someone once told me that they watched a story about a killer whale who dragged it's trainer to the bottom to drown, and someone jumped in there to try to save the trainer, and they don't know why but they thought of me- like that is something that I'd do.
But I often don't feel like myself. I feel like physically God made me a beautiful woman and I ruined that, just as He made me a spiritually beautiful person and I ruined that too. I feel like people only see my flaws now- not the me deep inside.
There's a song on Disney's Mulan (Yes I am around kids and watch cartoons lol). The song is called Reflection- and it describes how I feel...
Lyrics
Look at me, I may never pass for a perfect bride, or a perfect daughter (of God).
Can it be that I'm not meant to play this part? (a perfect bride)
Now I see that if I were truly to be myself
I would break my family's heart (I have a very worldly family)
Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection someone I don't know? (I've gained much weight)
Somehow I cannot hide
Who I am, though I've tried
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?