What to tell fiance about previous immorality?

[niceguyJ]

Personally, I think that's something that should be talked about BEFORE an engagement. I think it's her right to know. Obviously, you can't go back in time though.

As to how much to tell: I'd say just keep it basic to begin with and tell her that you're not a virgin. Then allow her to ask whatever she wants. She might not want any details, then again she might want a lot.

If she feels misled, and I could see why she would, that could be another issue to deal with on top of this. Things like that can shake some trust.

Regardless, do the right thing. You already know what you should do it seems..Just do it. You said your relationship has survived a lot of things already, so hopefully that will help here by having that history.

 

[zeroturbulence]

I disagree. Perhaps in some cultures they actually check a woman to see if she is a virgin or maybe a dude is creepy and slutty enough to know what a virgin is supposed to 'feel like', but I don't believe that under normal circumstances a dude would know the difference.

Its pretty obvious the first time if she's a virgin or not. I don't want to get into details but there is something that only happens on the first time, unless it happened for some freak reason before her first time.

 

[zeroturbulence]

lying..what a great foundation to build a marriage on....

Well I figured he's gone this far without telling her, and what would she really gain by knowing he's had sex before?

 

[Hommer]

I really dont think the past has any room in a present relationship, now I realize there are exceptions but what you have done in the past is your past and really nobodies business.........unless it might somehow effect or affect her there is no reason to tell her.....God has forgiven you so its water under the bridge.......and if she finds out through somebodies bucket mouth than so what........if she wants to get mad and make a big deal about it tell her to move on down the road......she has no right to judge you........

 

[kayem77]

If you both agreed af the start of your relationship that you didn't want to know if you were virgins or not, this wouldn't be a problem. But that's not the case right ?

For me, this sounds more like a communication problem, not so much of a past actions problem. I don't know you or your gf but I do know that a marriage requires complete trust in each other to be capable of talking about ANYTHING you need to talk. If you for some reason didn't trust your gf to tell her about your past and if she thinks you are a virgin, that's a trust issue that you, or both maybe, need to fix. Maybe she will get mad because she believed you were virgin( Idk what she believed this 2 years) but I think the fact that you didn't tell her may be what upsets her the most.

My advice would be to pray about this and ask guidance to God, maybe you need to fix trust issues in yourself. Only you and God know, but whatever it is you need FIX IT in order to move on and have a healthy marriage .

And when you tell her, I think you should just tell her that u are not a virgin. If she wants to know more, let her know...but be careful with what you say at the same time, try to be selective with the words you are going to say.

 

[kayem77]

Its pretty obvious the first time if she's a virgin or not. I don't want to get into details but there is something that only happens on the first time, unless it happened for some freak reason before her first time.

Actually that thing that you say it happens in the first time is different in every woman, and not every woman has it, or it doesn't work in the same way. If we are talking about the same thing I think we are talking....that thing could disappear just riding a bike or a horse,etc.

 

[zeroturbulence]

Actually that thing that you say it happens in the first time is different in every woman, and not every woman has it, or it doesn't work in the same way. If we are talking about the same thing I think we are talking....that thing could disappear just riding a bike or a horse,etc.

I know, thats why I said "unless it happened for some freak reason before her first time."

 

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

I really dont think the past has any room in a present relationship, now I realize there are exceptions but what you have done in the past is your past and really nobodies business.........unless it might somehow effect or affect her there is no reason to tell her.....God has forgiven you so its water under the bridge.......and if she finds out through somebodies bucket mouth than so what........if she wants to get mad and make a big deal about it tell her to move on down the road......she has no right to judge you........

Thats so ridiculous.

Your past has everything to do with your present, especially in a marriage. Your past effects your present relationships.

Communication is everything in a marriage, i believe thats the key to its survival.

Going into one not having told your partner something as big as this is not a good idea.

God has forgiven you yes i agree, but past decisions and choices effects present relationships you would be retarded not to believe that.

 

[zeroturbulence]

Thats so ridiculous.

Your past has everything to do with your present, especially in a marriage. Your past effects your present relationships.

Communication is everything in a marriage, i believe thats the key to its survival.

Going into one not having told your partner something as big as this is not a good idea.

God has forgiven you yes i agree, but past decisions and choices effects present relationships you would be retarded not to believe that.

I can see if a guy slept with 100 women before, but if it was just 1 or 2 I don't see what the big deal is. Maybe I'm retarded.

 

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

I can see if a guy slept with 100 women before, but if it was just 1 or 2 I don't see what the big deal is. Maybe I'm retarded.

Indeed you are and i say that with loooove


1 or 2 is still a big deal. I know for myself i would be pissed if im married to someone, he led me to believe one thing then came out with something totally different AFTER we were married.

 

[zeroturbulence]

Indeed you are and i say that with loooove


1 or 2 is still a big deal. I know for myself i would be pissed if im married to someone, he led me to believe one thing then came out with something totally different AFTER we were married.

Its ok, Ive been trying to tell some people I'm retarded but they won't listen.

Ok, so you're talking about not having false assumptions about the other person. Fair enough!

 

[rainacorn]

I was always someone that felt the need to dump all my baggage onto people I'm in relationships with. My husband, however, never gave me the chance. He made me check my baggage at the door and we have never ever discussed it. He said it would make him feel sick to hear about my past relationships and things I've done that I know are wrong. He trusted that it was behind me and I got right with God.

It was a really hard thing to accept that, honestly. I thought I needed his forgiveness and he needed to know all of my dirt.

I suppose the difference is that he had the opportunity to say whether he wanted to hear it or not. I didn't intentionally keep it from him, he just wanted to leave the past in the past.

To Op, give her the chance to say yes or no to digging in your dirt. Hopefully she'll say no. lol

 

[zeroturbulence]

I was always someone that felt the need to dump all my baggage onto people I'm in relationships with. My husband, however, never gave me the chance. He made me check my baggage at the door and we have never ever discussed it. He said it would make him feel sick to hear about my past relationships and things I've done that I know are wrong. He trusted that it was behind me and I got right with God.

It was a really hard thing to accept that, honestly. I thought I needed his forgiveness and he needed to know all of my dirt.

I suppose the difference is that he had the opportunity to say whether he wanted to hear it or not. I didn't intentionally keep it from him, he just wanted to leave the past in the past.

To Op, give her the chance to say yes or no to digging in your dirt. Hopefully she'll say no. lol

I think I like that idea, but how long can one really keep the past hidden? Thats to be seen I guess.

 

[rainacorn]

I think I like that idea, but how long can one really keep the past hidden? Thats to be seen I guess.

It can't be hidden... but it can be forgotten. That was the point.

I don't need forgiveness from my husband. I didn't even know him at the time. I need forgiveness from God and His forgiveness comes with forgetting. I don't have to beat myself up over it because it's in my past. It's not a sin I can't let go of so it's constantly haunting me... it's something I did that I don't do anymore.

What I needed from my husband was for him to accept me just as I am so we can build a future together. I did the same for him.

 

[phil36]

I thik you should tell her. Although you say both of you have never really discussed it, that does not negate the fact that you are letting her believe you are a virgin. The issue isn't whether you are or not the isue is that by leting her believe one thing when you know its not true amounts to lying.

You are to be to her as Christ is the church.. has Jesus misled anyone or lied..No.

 

[Matthew]

I can see if a guy slept with 100 women before, but if it was just 1 or 2 I don't see what the big deal is

What makes it different?
When it comes to accepting someone everything from their past has made them who they are, so surely that is the big deal, it could have happened just once but that one time is still a part of them.

I guess if both people agree to never discuss it then that's fine, although personally I don't think that's a good way to go about things as I need to know about what went into making the woman I love who she is.

If I don't know the major events of her life then I can't know her, and in that event I can't be all I should be as a husband, and sex is a major thing, so 1, 2 or a 100, wouldn't makes any difference, except 100 would raise a few additonal questions....like are you attending counselling for sex addiciton.

 

[Megatron]

I mean ive never shared all of my past with any ive been in a relationship with, and i never plan too. Something are just better off left dead and buried in the ground never to be brought into the light again.

 

[rainacorn]

I mean ive never shared all of my past with any ive been in a relationship with, and i never plan too. Something are just better off left dead and buried in the ground never to be brought into the light again.

Is this your thinly veiled confession that you're a serial killer?

 

[VikkiKate89]

I really dont think the past has any room in a present relationship, now I realize there are exceptions but what you have done in the past is your past and really nobodies business.........unless it might somehow effect or affect her there is no reason to tell her....

Considering a lot of STD's including AIDS can either take a while to surface even months after the act, or even have times when they can produce a false negative on a test, telling your fiance you have been sexually active in the past is just common courtesy. Better she find out now than later when she's getting some questionable looking oozing sores looked at.

 

[SCGuy33]

Well, I'm a little surprised at some of the responses I guess. I suppose I was a little too focused on the "encouragement" part at the top of the page. I know I sinned. I make no excuses for what I did. I also realize now that I should have said something to my fiance long ago. It didn't just now occur to me that I should say something. But, for those who haven't experienced it, fear and shame can be pretty overwhelming foes. At the heart of things, I'm not really concerned that my fiance will break up with me. If I'm confident of anything in this life (outside of my salvation) its that my fiance loves me. I mean, I know of Christian marriages where infidelity has occurred and those relationships have survived and thrived. A former pastor of mine had a 3 year affair with another married woman and fathered a child out of wedlock and he and his wife pulled through that and are still happily married. I don't think what I did is as bad as cheating, but again, I don't defend it.