What's Our Christian Responsibility to Christian Ex-Girlfriends/Boyfriends?

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Sculpt

Well-known member
Apr 18, 2021
1,004
309
83
#1
What is our Christian responsibility to ex-girlfriend/boyfriends who are, or say they are, Christians?

-- as far as being their Christian friend and advisor -- or allowing them to have any contact with you -- when they are not good friends, are narcissists and very often just hurt you carelessly, subconsciously, or purposely? That is to say, are we allowed to tell them we don't ever want to talk to them ever again... outside of heaven?

I would think there's general scriptural commands and guidelines that cover this issue. And then there's what to do in specific cases. I'm curious in what you all think about both.

This is how I would assess my specific situation: I dated a woman who appears to be a new christian. Is she really a christian? Really difficult to say because her "fruits" are a mixed bag. She professes to be a christian, but never wanted to talk about her personal conversion; most often she only references wacky fringe videos on end-times issues, giants, Biden sign-of-the-beast, lowbrow conspiracy junk; she's a narcissist: continues to do horribly insensitive things that you'd think she knows hurts me deeply.

Many months ago we went out, got along great, she talked about being soulmates, wanting to use the Love word and speed up to marriage, though she acknowledged (as I made clear) we needed months to get to know each other. After about a couple months she said she didn't want a relationship, but wanted to keep dating/seeing me 5+ days a week, what she calls "just for company". I wanted to think she wasn't really decided about no-relationship, so I continued. With my eyes opening to who she was, and incompatibility, eventually I stopped 'dating' her. But because we worked together, and had become 'friends/confidants', and because she was a new christian, I felt I had to try to be a good christian friend to her, giving her advise when asked and listening to her. I suffered through this because, without going into it, she's not a good friend and hurtful. I thought I was doing what's required of me as a follower of Christ.

Finally now, we rarely work together anymore, so I feel I can let her know I'm not going to have any contact with her though she's still contacting me. Is this OK? Thoughts?
 

Subhumanoidal

Well-known member
Sep 17, 2018
3,617
2,834
113
#2
You owe her nothing, really. There's nothing unbiblical about distancing from someone problematic. In fact Abram and (mind blank) went their separate ways because they couldn't get along.
This doesn't require you to be mean about it. You can do it and still attempt to be nice in your delivery.
 

cinder

Senior Member
Mar 26, 2014
4,327
2,357
113
#3
I hear it's difficult if not impossible to go back to a just friends status after getting to a certain level of closeness in dating. And I think that we're still going to hang out after breaking up just really muddies up the situation and makes it hard for one or both parties to move on. My advice would be to give her information and maybe an introduction to a church / bible study that you know is good and will help her grow and connect with people who can disciple her, but after that it will be best to drop out of touch (at least for a good amount of time (ie long enough to move on from the failed relationship) not saying we need a big I'm never going to talk to you again declaration).

And for the future, may be good to think about keeping clear boundaries between dating and discipling, supporting, ministry cases (best case scenario is there's a female to refer such women too, but sometimes (like with a work situation) you may find yourself in the role of Christian advisor / expert to female new believers just because of built in interaction and it's good to have put some thought into different types of closeness and what's appropriate and how to handle difficult situations before you have a desperate woman on your hands and need to make a judgement call on the spot. (I'm pretty sure I don't necessarily have this down either, but it's still a good thing to think about).
 

Sculpt

Well-known member
Apr 18, 2021
1,004
309
83
#4
Good reasoning so far. When answering, if you have scriptural backing, I'd appreciate it.
 

Tinkerbell725

Senior Member
Jul 19, 2014
4,216
1,179
113
Philippines Age 40
#5
Your peace is very important. When people become toxic or selfish, shake off the dust of your feet.


Matthew 10:13-14

13 And if the house be worthy, let your peace come upon it: but if it be not worthy, let your peace return to you.

14 And whosoever shall not receive you, nor hear your words, when ye depart out of that house or city, shake off the dust of your feet.
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
24,702
8,042
113
#6
I have nothing to contribute here, as I have never had a girlfriend. But I am watching this thread with marked interest, because you never know what the future might bring.
 

MatthewWestfieldUK

Well-known member
May 13, 2021
871
498
63
#7
Play safe. Hard to support someone who is vulnerable unless you are trained
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
23,458
7,168
113
#8
when you break it off with someone, its broken

the yoke is gone...so why stay yoked?

I dont get it. Tinkerbell said it..shake the dust off your feet.

I think divorcees are another matter especially with children involved but if someones actually left you they are not going to come back.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
23,458
7,168
113
#9
Your hanger on sounds rather clingy.

If someone is a new christian they need some discipleship and the best way to get that is via small group in church and also...make sure they are reading the Bible. Give them a challenge to read the entire book.

You do not need to 'date' them. Just show them the Bible. Phillip helped a eunuch with scripture when he didnt undertand, he didnt have to marry the guy. ?!
 

Sculpt

Well-known member
Apr 18, 2021
1,004
309
83
#10
Your peace is very important. When people become toxic or selfish, shake off the dust of your feet.


Matthew 10:13-14

13 And if the house be worthy, let your peace come upon it: but if it be not worthy, let your peace return to you.

14 And whosoever shall not receive you, nor hear your words, when ye depart out of that house or city, shake off the dust of your feet.
Thanks, Tinkerbell. I appreciate it! I might note that verse referring to people who reject the gospel. This person has accepted the gospel, and they want me to be their friend and supporter, even though they know it's hurting me.

I posted this discussion because I thought there might be some christians who would not be so quick to "let a christian off the hook" via scripture:

"how many times shall I forgive my brother who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not just seven times, but seventy-seven times!" (Mat 18:22)
"Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you." (Mat 5:42)
"The love is long-suffering, it is kind, Love is patient, love is kind ... it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs ... It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." ( Cor 13:4-8)
I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death (Phl 3:10)

Seems like everyone, so far, thinks this situation allows me to bail. I happily to agree.
 

Sculpt

Well-known member
Apr 18, 2021
1,004
309
83
#11
I hear it's difficult if not impossible to go back to a just friends status after getting to a certain level of closeness in dating. And I think that we're still going to hang out after breaking up just really muddies up the situation and makes it hard for one or both parties to move on. My advice would be to give her information and maybe an introduction to a church / bible study that you know is good and will help her grow and connect with people who can disciple her, but after that it will be best to drop out of touch (at least for a good amount of time (ie long enough to move on from the failed relationship) not saying we need a big I'm never going to talk to you again declaration).

And for the future, may be good to think about keeping clear boundaries between dating and discipling, supporting, ministry cases (best case scenario is there's a female to refer such women too, but sometimes (like with a work situation) you may find yourself in the role of Christian advisor / expert to female new believers just because of built in interaction and it's good to have put some thought into different types of closeness and what's appropriate and how to handle difficult situations before you have a desperate woman on your hands and need to make a judgement call on the spot. (I'm pretty sure I don't necessarily have this down either, but it's still a good thing to think about).
Well, I asked her out to get to know her. I knew within the first few mins she was a chrirstian, cause she told me. Took many weeks to discover how little and how new she was. I didn't have a problem dating a newer christian. I guess I'll be a little more wary of that now.

I did encouraged her to join a bible study/group and go to church. She never did. But now she's with a guy who I know is a longer-time christian, so I feel better about 'passing the baton'.
 

Sculpt

Well-known member
Apr 18, 2021
1,004
309
83
#12
Play safe. Hard to support someone who is vulnerable unless you are trained
I don't know what you mean? Can you clarify?
Are you saying she's vulnerable? How so? Are you saying I'm not trained? Trained in what?
 

Sculpt

Well-known member
Apr 18, 2021
1,004
309
83
#13
Your hanger on sounds rather clingy.

If someone is a new christian they need some discipleship and the best way to get that is via small group in church and also...make sure they are reading the Bible. Give them a challenge to read the entire book.

You do not need to 'date' them. Just show them the Bible. Phillip helped a eunuch with scripture when he didnt undertand, he didnt have to marry the guy. ?!
LOL, you're funny, Lanolin. I didn't date her to make her a christian. She was a christian that I asked out. It didn't work out, we stopped dating. We are not dating. But she wanted to keep being my friend and hanging out, and I knew she was a new christian and didn't have any christian friends. I felt guilty about blocking her. Does that make more sense?
 

Tinkerbell725

Senior Member
Jul 19, 2014
4,216
1,179
113
Philippines Age 40
#14
Thanks, Tinkerbell. I appreciate it! I might note that verse referring to people who reject the gospel. This person has accepted the gospel, and they want me to be their friend and supporter, even though they know it's hurting me.

I posted this discussion because I thought there might be some christians who would not be so quick to "let a christian off the hook" via scripture:

"how many times shall I forgive my brother who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not just seven times, but seventy-seven times!" (Mat 18:22)
"Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you." (Mat 5:42)
"The love is long-suffering, it is kind, Love is patient, love is kind ... it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs ... It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." ( Cor 13:4-8)
I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death (Phl 3:10)

Seems like everyone, so far, thinks this situation allows me to bail. I happily to agree.

I know the verse refers to acceptance of the gospel but it is also applicable in your situation. It is up to you to discern the worthiness of the person and it is important that you are at peace with your decision and that you will not be in a compromising situation.
 

MatthewWestfieldUK

Well-known member
May 13, 2021
871
498
63
#15
I don't know what you mean? Can you clarify?
Are you saying she's vulnerable? How so? Are you saying I'm not trained? Trained in what?
Yes vulnerable, her behaviour shows an imbalance.
Yes you, supporting someone who is needy is not easy as there may be underlying issues
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
23,458
7,168
113
#16
LOL, you're funny, Lanolin. I didn't date her to make her a christian. She was a christian that I asked out. It didn't work out, we stopped dating. We are not dating. But she wanted to keep being my friend and hanging out, and I knew she was a new christian and didn't have any christian friends. I felt guilty about blocking her. Does that make more sense?
well not really

just introduce her to your other christian friends and hang out together with them not one on one. Too hard?
 

Sculpt

Well-known member
Apr 18, 2021
1,004
309
83
#17
LOL, you're funny, Lanolin. I didn't date her to make her a christian. She was a christian that I asked out. It didn't work out, we stopped dating. We are not dating. But she wanted to keep being my friend and hanging out, and I knew she was a new christian and didn't have any christian friends. I felt guilty about blocking her. Does that make more sense?
You have me very curious. What part doesn't make sense to you?

just introduce her to your other christian friends and hang out together with them not one on one. Too hard?
I don't even want to remember that she exists. So yeah, I would rather not engage her at all. Any contact causes more contact.
 

Sculpt

Well-known member
Apr 18, 2021
1,004
309
83
#18
I know the verse refers to acceptance of the gospel but it is also applicable in your situation. It is up to you to discern the worthiness of the person and it is important that you are at peace with your decision and that you will not be in a compromising situation.
Thank you. That's a great point. I don't have any peace near her. If my peace is worth anything to God, then that's a good reason to have no contact.

Regarding the verse "13 And if the house be worthy, let your peace come upon it: but if it be not worthy, let your peace return to you." I honestly have no idea what Jesus meant by "your peace".
 

Sculpt

Well-known member
Apr 18, 2021
1,004
309
83
#19
Yes vulnerable, her behaviour shows an imbalance.
Yes you, supporting someone who is needy is not easy as there may be underlying issues
Oh yeah, there's underlying issues. She told me what they were.

Still, I don't know why you're saying "her behavior shows an imbalance". What behavior(s) are you referring to? And what do you mean by "an imbalance"?
 
T

TheIndianGirl

Guest
#20
Your Christian ex is now a sister/brother in Christ and you should treat them accordingly.