When "love" isn't worth the sacrifice ?

[cinder]

I'm currently fostering a difficult dog with plans to adopt her if we can work things out (she's a good dog that just sees any unknown people or dogs as a threat to be attacked and driven off). I say that instead of making all the usual relationship mistakes with a romantic relationship I'm making them with a dog instead, but it's got me thinking about how you determine when to call it quits, when that's overly selfish, and when it's necessary self preservation.

We instinctively know that including other people in our lives entails a cost, even if it's just a super small cost like sharing tasty food or a few minutes spent texting, etc. We know that trying to include another person (or pet) in our life more will inconvenience us to some degree. We do so because we think what we stand to gain in the relationship is greater than the inconvenience and often it is.

But when we get really emotionally involved with people, our hearts and heads can be in conflict, and we can get sucked in to paying higher and higher prices for the sake of love. So what guidelines do / should we use to determine if we're being appropriately sacrificial (because there's going to be a certain amount of putting the other first inherent in love) and when we're being foolishly emotional and slowly being crushed and destroyed under the weight of that cost? Alongside that if someone (including you yourself) says they know they have a problem and are trying to change, how do you measure that growth and change? Either to be encouraged that it's happening or to realize that it's all talk and no actual changing is taking place (part of the cycle of abuse is profuse promises to change followed by a brief respite in bad behavior).

Basically hoping to start a discussion of how much is too much to bear in love and how do you know when it's right to abandon ship even though you feel like you're leaving someone you care for to go down with the ship. So in the interest of helping all of us not waste time holding on to bad relationships in the future and minimizing heartbreak I propose the following discussion questions:

• What red flags have you ignored or let slide in past relationships?
  
• What has been the “straw that broke the camel's back” and finally convinced you that those relationships needed to end?
  
• What relationships do you look back on and think that maybe you bailed too quickly and could have worked things out and regret that you didn't try harder?
  
• What boundaries and principles have you established to reduce your risk of getting into those situations in the future?
  
• How do you encourage yourself to stick to those principles when your hormones or emotions start screaming at you to violate them?

 

[TheIndianGirl]

I think it really depends on how the other person feels about you. If the other person doesn't love you (even if you do love that person), I believe we have no obligations to continue being with that person. However, if that other person loves you (and you love that person as well), it is best to work things out. A person who loves you will try to make amends and compromise.

 

[Lanolin]

well a parenting relationship is different from an equal relationship in that you are the one already grown up and you are watching another person or animal grow up and looking after them.
when they have learned whatever you have to teach them, you let them go.

 

[Lanolin]

measuring growth, sometimes you keep a diary, or you might mark milestones such as birthdays ad anniversaries. You take photos. I have a growth chart, I stick it on the wall.

with an equal relationship, you enjoy each others company. You dont try to change the other person, thats Gods job. You accept that person for who they are, they may have some limits or they might be a genius. Its not up to you to change them.

 

[ITIS4HISGLORY]

This whole subject is prickly because from the beginning of mankind, it was the same question.

4 Adam made love to his wife Eve, and she became pregnant and gave birth to Cain. She said, “With the help of the Lord I have brought forth a man.” 2 Later she gave birth to his brother Abel.
Now Abel kept flocks, and Cain worked the soil. 3 In the course of time Cain brought some of the fruits of the soil as an offering to the Lord. 4 And Abel also brought an offering—fat portions from some of the firstborn of his flock. The Lordlooked with favor on Abel and his offering, 5 but on Cain and his offering he did not look with favor. So Cain was very angry, and his face was downcast. 6 Then the Lord said to Cain, “Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? 7 If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it.”
8 Now Cain said to his brother Abel, “Let’s go out to the field.” While they were in the field, Cain attacked his brother Abel and killed him. 9 Then the Lord said to Cain, “Where is your brother Abel?” “I don’t know,” he replied. “Am I my brother’s keeper?” 10 The Lord said, “What have you done? Listen! Your brother’s blood cries out to me from the ground. 11 Now you are under a curse and driven from the ground, which opened its mouth to receive your brother’s blood from your hand. 12 When you work the ground, it will no longer yield its crops for you. You will be a restless wanderer on the earth.”

So what is right concerning this subject.

John 15:12: My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. ...
1 Peter 4:8: Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.
Ephesians 5:21: Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
1 John 4:8: Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.

As believers (I’m assuming your on this forum because you are a true believer), we are commanded to love like Jesus. So how did Jesus love? With some Pharisees who warped the minds of the people with false teaching, Jesus said “you brood of vipers.” With the woman at the well, Jesus ask her for a drink of water. She was astonished. The Jews hated the Samaritans and especially her because she was an adulterous woman, so ostracized she gathered water alone (woman used to go in groups.). So, Jesus asking for a drink of water was a loving gesture and that led to the drinking of the “living water”, offering divine mercy in the living water of grace, which washes away sins and cleanses our souls. Christ then made known of her life style. She embraced this love and told everyone.

Every encounter is individual. Are we able to emotionally handle all our relations. No way. The Lord is able to teach us how to love through each encounter. As we fail miserably yet we want to love like Jesus, we pray for guidance, regroup, pick and choose, and try again. If we fall short of the glory of God in an encounter, it is up to our heart if we are able to continue and how to continue. When I read the words of our Lord Jesus Christ, I am continually reminded of His focus. As in the woman at the well, His focus was her redemption through His mercy, not her sin. Changing our focus, changes our ability to handle each encounter which will hopefully bloom into a fruitful relationship.