Why did this guy treat me like this and made a mess of me?

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Aug 23, 2020
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#1
I am slightly anxious when it comes to communicating with men. The reason for this is that I consider myself not beautiful enough and even ugly sometimes, although I have often received attention from men.

However, something happened recently that made me a complete mess. I went to a party where one of the boys repeatedly initiated conversations with me. I noticed how he was often looking at me, one time even staring at me continuously, and even smiling at me. I also talked to him, smiling and trying my best to show that I was interested too.

Then, just when my insecure mind decided that maybe there is a slim chance that he liked me, I was left shocked. Suddenly, he asked me and my girlfriend for advice about some girl he met recently and liked, but she ghosted him.

Since he told us that he realized it wasn't worth it and got over her, I decided to keep communicating with him, hoping that we would at least exchange contacts in the end since we would never see each other again. But that didn't happen and we all left.

So, I welcomed the New Year with a shattered peace of mind, very confused, miserable, and convinced more than ever that apparently I'm not pretty enough or even ugly once he didn't do anything more. I know how he was looking at me, it was definitely not accidental eye contact, he was staring at me repeatedly and consistently. And he began initiating conversations. Am I really that delusional and if there is any chance he really liked me? But if he had, why didn't he want anything more?
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
24,882
8,151
113
#2
Maybe he thought he saw you talking to that girl, so he thought you knew her, but he wasn't sure.

Maybe you remind him of his mother, which is why he asked you for advice.

Maybe he thought you looked like someone with a bit of common sense. Sometimes it shows on the face, but you have to look at the face to see it.

There are many reasons, many answers to your question. The only real way to tell which answer is correct is to ask him. (And he may have already forgotten what he was thinking at the time.)
 
N

notonmywatch

Guest
#3
I am slightly anxious when it comes to communicating with men. The reason for this is that I consider myself not beautiful enough and even ugly sometimes, although I have often received attention from men.

However, something happened recently that made me a complete mess. I went to a party where one of the boys repeatedly initiated conversations with me. I noticed how he was often looking at me, one time even staring at me continuously, and even smiling at me. I also talked to him, smiling and trying my best to show that I was interested too.

Then, just when my insecure mind decided that maybe there is a slim chance that he liked me, I was left shocked. Suddenly, he asked me and my girlfriend for advice about some girl he met recently and liked, but she ghosted him.

Since he told us that he realized it wasn't worth it and got over her, I decided to keep communicating with him, hoping that we would at least exchange contacts in the end since we would never see each other again. But that didn't happen and we all left.

So, I welcomed the New Year with a shattered peace of mind, very confused, miserable, and convinced more than ever that apparently I'm not pretty enough or even ugly once he didn't do anything more. I know how he was looking at me, it was definitely not accidental eye contact, he was staring at me repeatedly and consistently. And he began initiating conversations. Am I really that delusional and if there is any chance he really liked me? But if he had, why didn't he want anything more?
I'm sorry that this guy made you question your self-worth. God loves you enough to send Jesus to die for you, so I hope that you can find some comfort in that. Why did this guy behave in the manner you described? I have no idea. I'm a guy myself, but I wouldn't send mixed signals like that to anybody and possibly mess with their head or their heart. If it's any consolation to you, in a "misery loves company" sort of way, then I've had this same exact type of experience with women at times.

Just a few days ago, I was standing in a checkout line, and I noticed the cashier sneaking peeks at me while flashing me her smile. Not in some sort of seductive way, but in a very friendly and seemingly interested in me sort of way instead. When it came time for me to pay, she initiated a conversation with me. In our brief exchange, she told me something about myself, and I couldn't figure out how she knew it until she explained it to me after seeing the puzzled look on my face. Apparently, she and I had a brief conversation once before, about a month or so ago, and she has since changed her outward appearance quite a bit. That is why I didn't recognize her. She had black hair then, but has since dyed it blonde. She also wore glasses back then, but she must be wearing contact lenses now. She was very friendly to me in our first encounter as well. As I've been thinking about her the last few days, I've been contemplating going back to that store and asking her out on a date of some sort if she isn't married or already in a relationship with someone else. Having read your post, I'm a bit hesitant now. :cautious: I'll probably still make the attempt because I think that I've seen something nice in her eyes, but who knows? Relationships are a bit of a gamble. You've got to be in it to win it, so I'm thinking that I'll place my bet, so to speak, and see what happens. If she rejects me, then I'll just buy myself a chocolate bar or something. :cry:
 

cinder

Senior Member
Mar 26, 2014
4,328
2,361
113
#4
I am slightly anxious when it comes to communicating with men. The reason for this is that I consider myself not beautiful enough and even ugly sometimes, although I have often received attention from men.

However, something happened recently that made me a complete mess. I went to a party where one of the boys repeatedly initiated conversations with me. I noticed how he was often looking at me, one time even staring at me continuously, and even smiling at me. I also talked to him, smiling and trying my best to show that I was interested too.

Then, just when my insecure mind decided that maybe there is a slim chance that he liked me, I was left shocked. Suddenly, he asked me and my girlfriend for advice about some girl he met recently and liked, but she ghosted him.

Since he told us that he realized it wasn't worth it and got over her, I decided to keep communicating with him, hoping that we would at least exchange contacts in the end since we would never see each other again. But that didn't happen and we all left.

So, I welcomed the New Year with a shattered peace of mind, very confused, miserable, and convinced more than ever that apparently I'm not pretty enough or even ugly once he didn't do anything more. I know how he was looking at me, it was definitely not accidental eye contact, he was staring at me repeatedly and consistently. And he began initiating conversations. Am I really that delusional and if there is any chance he really liked me? But if he had, why didn't he want anything more?
I think the question you should be asking is why are you so insecure and anxious in yourself that a pleasant interaction with a guy that led to nothing made you "a complete mess"? That's not a healthy response to the situation you related. My best advice is shrug it off and remember that just because no guy wants to jump into bed (or a relationship) with you at this moment does not mean you're unloved or unlovable.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
23,460
7,176
113
#5
are you autistic?
Just wondering. Dont you have a dad, or brothers? Do you talk to them?

what is you relationship with the Lord like? Do you think he likes you?
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
23,460
7,176
113
#6
I only ask this because it seems like you may not get verbal cues, and many autistic people are non-verbal.

That doesnt mean you go round with hand written signs all the time like on Love Actually movie, but it can help with communication.

 
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notonmywatch

Guest
#7
Hi, again, raquellexxx.

I know that this isn't a humorous situation or topic, and I've already told you that I've been through similar situations myself. Sometimes, I just find that if I can sort of laugh something off, then I actually feel better, and I can just move on. With that in mind, please excuse my idiocy that is about to follow. I'm truly just trying to make you laugh.

Why did this guy do what he did?

download (66).jpg
 

Papermonkey

Active member
Dec 2, 2022
724
256
43
#8
I am slightly anxious when it comes to communicating with men. The reason for this is that I consider myself not beautiful enough and even ugly sometimes, although I have often received attention from men.

However, something happened recently that made me a complete mess. I went to a party where one of the boys repeatedly initiated conversations with me. I noticed how he was often looking at me, one time even staring at me continuously, and even smiling at me. I also talked to him, smiling and trying my best to show that I was interested too.

Then, just when my insecure mind decided that maybe there is a slim chance that he liked me, I was left shocked. Suddenly, he asked me and my girlfriend for advice about some girl he met recently and liked, but she ghosted him.

Since he told us that he realized it wasn't worth it and got over her, I decided to keep communicating with him, hoping that we would at least exchange contacts in the end since we would never see each other again. But that didn't happen and we all left.

So, I welcomed the New Year with a shattered peace of mind, very confused, miserable, and convinced more than ever that apparently I'm not pretty enough or even ugly once he didn't do anything more. I know how he was looking at me, it was definitely not accidental eye contact, he was staring at me repeatedly and consistently. And he began initiating conversations. Am I really that delusional and if there is any chance he really liked me? But if he had, why didn't he want anything more?
He's playing games. You don't want that. It's immature and not to be trusted.

You're beautiful. Made in the image and likeness of God.

When the right one comes along, that deserves you, he'll be the one God sent.

Don't feel insecure. The most important relationship you can have to build your sense of self worth,confidence,respect,is with yourself.

Love yourself. No one knows you like you do. If you can't love you,you'll not understand how someone else could.

One exercise that may help us to look in the mirror right after you roll out of bed. Look in your eyes and say, ''I love you''. And then say something about yourself that you like.
Out loud.
Do this as often as you like. Especially if you're sick, feel down, etc...

In public you can say these things to yourself. The important thing is to believe it.

Friends come and go, co-workers, even family. You are who remains at the end of the day. Be your own best friend.

When you're self-assured,self-confident, it shows.And you'll maybe notice a whole different kind of guy starts paying attention.

God Bless.
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
24,882
8,151
113
#9
He's playing games. You don't want that. It's immature and not to be trusted.

You're beautiful. Made in the image and likeness of God.

When the right one comes along, that deserves you, he'll be the one God sent.

Don't feel insecure. The most important relationship you can have to build your sense of self worth,confidence,respect,is with yourself.

Love yourself. No one knows you like you do. If you can't love you,you'll not understand how someone else could.

One exercise that may help us to look in the mirror right after you roll out of bed. Look in your eyes and say, ''I love you''. And then say something about yourself that you like.
Out loud.
Do this as often as you like. Especially if you're sick, feel down, etc...

In public you can say these things to yourself. The important thing is to believe it.

Friends come and go, co-workers, even family. You are who remains at the end of the day. Be your own best friend.

When you're self-assured,self-confident, it shows.And you'll maybe notice a whole different kind of guy starts paying attention.

God Bless.
Wait, what? How did the guy do anything wrong?

He talked to her but did not ask her out on a date. He did NOT insult her, or lead her on, or anything else that could be considered playing games... At least not that I've heard so far.
 
Aug 23, 2020
6
2
3
#10
I only ask this because it seems like you may not get verbal cues, and many autistic people are non-verbal.

That doesnt mean you go round with hand written signs all the time like on Love Actually movie, but it can help with communication.

I'm not autistic - just without much dating experience and with low self-esteem. Could you please elaborate what do you mean by saying ,,You may not get verbal cues''?
 
N

notonmywatch

Guest
#11
Wait, what? How did the guy do anything wrong?

He talked to her but did not ask her out on a date. He did NOT insult her, or lead her on, or anything else that could be considered playing games... At least not that I've heard so far.
I've learned to be very cautious in my interactions with women so as to not possibly send out the wrong type of signal. Even so, I still find myself in trouble pretty often. About a month ago, a woman on another social media account messaged me and told me off to the highest heaven. In her rant, she told me that I had basically ruined her life. I was like "What?" She and I had only briefly interacted before then, and I was a complete gentleman in our very brief interactions.

Sometimes people see things that simply aren't there. I'm not saying that this is the case with raquellexxx because the guy did seem to be sending out some sort of signal that he might be interested in her. I always wait for women to make the first move, and, even then, it usually ends in disaster. I had one woman not too long ago who sent out signal after signal after signal that she liked me. When I showed some interest back towards her, she got all bent out of shape.
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
24,882
8,151
113
#12
I've learned to be very cautious in my interactions with women so as to not possibly send out the wrong type of signal. Even so, I still find myself in trouble pretty often. About a month ago, a woman on another social media account messaged me and told me off to the highest heaven. In her rant, she told me that I had basically ruined her life. I was like "What?" She and I had only briefly interacted before then, and I was a complete gentleman in our very brief interactions.

Sometimes people see things that simply aren't there. I'm not saying that this is the case with raquellexxx because the guy did seem to be sending out some sort of signal that he might be interested in her. I always wait for women to make the first move, and, even then, it usually ends in disaster. I had one woman not too long ago who sent out signal after signal after signal that she liked me. When I showed some interest back towards her, she got all bent out of shape.
Well that's where you quote that old country song.

God is great
Beer is good (highly debatable, that part)
And people are crazy


But we don't have to put him down to support her. We can tell her "you'll be alright" without making up reasons why he might be a jerk.
 
Mar 4, 2020
8,614
3,678
113
#14
I am slightly anxious when it comes to communicating with men. The reason for this is that I consider myself not beautiful enough and even ugly sometimes, although I have often received attention from men.

However, something happened recently that made me a complete mess. I went to a party where one of the boys repeatedly initiated conversations with me. I noticed how he was often looking at me, one time even staring at me continuously, and even smiling at me. I also talked to him, smiling and trying my best to show that I was interested too.

Then, just when my insecure mind decided that maybe there is a slim chance that he liked me, I was left shocked. Suddenly, he asked me and my girlfriend for advice about some girl he met recently and liked, but she ghosted him.

Since he told us that he realized it wasn't worth it and got over her, I decided to keep communicating with him, hoping that we would at least exchange contacts in the end since we would never see each other again. But that didn't happen and we all left.

So, I welcomed the New Year with a shattered peace of mind, very confused, miserable, and convinced more than ever that apparently I'm not pretty enough or even ugly once he didn't do anything more. I know how he was looking at me, it was definitely not accidental eye contact, he was staring at me repeatedly and consistently. And he began initiating conversations. Am I really that delusional and if there is any chance he really liked me? But if he had, why didn't he want anything more?
Probably was attracted to you in some way. Any guy I know doesn't just make repeated deliberate eye contact with a girl, smile, chatting, &c unless they like her. Some people like the idea of a bit of flirting because it's exciting/fun to them, but don't actually want to follow through or get involved beyond their fix for a bit of attention. Don't worry about it and don't overthink it.
 

Papermonkey

Active member
Dec 2, 2022
724
256
43
#15
I'm not autistic - just without much dating experience and with low self-esteem. Could you please elaborate what do you mean by saying ,,You may not get verbal cues''?
You're certainly getting a look at poor male examples in this thread.

I wouldn't worry about what Lanolin meant in his remarks. When what he said was he thinks you may have a disorder that let you take a guy, who knew you liked him, flirting with you and then when it seemed like he may be interested asked your advice about another woman, as bad form.


It was bad form. Not your having Dyslexia. Which is presumptuous on his part.

Don't let anyone tell you this was your fault.


Guys who defend game players are game players.
 

Papermonkey

Active member
Dec 2, 2022
724
256
43
#16
You're certainly getting a look at poor male examples in this thread.

I wouldn't worry about what Lanolin meant in his remarks. When what he said was he thinks you may have a disorder that let you take a guy, who knew you liked him, flirting with you and then when it seemed like he may be interested asked your advice about another woman, as bad form.


It was bad form. Not your having Autism. Which is presumptuous on his part.

Don't let anyone tell you this was your fault.


Guys who defend game players are game players.
Typo, meant to write Autism not Dyslexia. 😏
 
N

notonmywatch

Guest
#17
But we don't have to put him down to support her. We can tell her "you'll be alright" without making up reasons why he might be a jerk.
I have no idea why he did what he did. I just try to learn from my experiences and from the experiences of others as well.

I've reached the point in life where I almost have to hide who I really am when I'm around certain people. I tend to have an outgoing and goofy sort of personality, but I can also hold my own intellectually, so I tend to appeal to different types of people. That's just me being me, but if somebody isn't used to meeting somebody like me, then it may seem to them that I'm giving them some sort of preferential treatment. I've sort of trained myself to be conscientiously aware of how others may be reading me. It's sad that I have to be that way because I prefer to just be myself. I'm just trying to put others and their feelings above my own because I don't want to possibly mislead anybody. Certainly not intentionally, but not accidentally either. Things still always seem to get messed up somehow, so I'm definitely not offering myself as an example for others to follow. It's like you said. People are crazy. I certainly can't figure them out, no matter how hard I try to.
 
N

notonmywatch

Guest
#18
You're certainly getting a look at poor male examples in this thread.

I wouldn't worry about what Lanolin meant in his remarks. When what he said was he thinks you may have a disorder that let you take a guy, who knew you liked him, flirting with you and then when it seemed like he may be interested asked your advice about another woman, as bad form.


It was bad form. Not your having Dyslexia. Which is presumptuous on his part.

Don't let anyone tell you this was your fault.


Guys who defend game players are game players.
Lanolin is a woman.
 
N

notonmywatch

Guest
#20
I hope it's okay if I post this here because I think it relates to the topic of the thread.

I simply cannot figure women out. Several months ago, I had a random encounter with a woman, and she and I began chatting. I thought there was definitely some sort of genuine connection between us, and I considered asking her out the next time that I saw her. The next two times that I saw her, her body language and facial expression told me "DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT, BUDDY!!!", so I never did. I ran into her a few times in public places over the last few months after that, and I just kept my distance. I didn't approach her. I didn't even make eye-contact with her. I just looked down at the ground as if I didn't even know that she was there. So, I ran into her about a week or so ago, and she was exceedingly friendly towards me. She struck up the conversation as if she was interested in me, and I only spoke a few words back to her in return because I simply cannot read her. I just ran into her again about 20 minutes ago, and she was over-the-top friendly and chatty with me. I was about one syllable away from asking her out, but I didn't.

Do you remember that scene from "A Charlie Brown Christmas" where Charlie screams out "ISN'T THERE ANYONE WHO KNOWS WHAT CHRISTMAS IS ALL ABOUT?"

In my mind, I'm screaming out "ISN'T THERE ANYONE WHO KNOWS WHAT WOMEN ARE ALL ABOUT?"

I honestly believe that I have a better understanding of the book of Revelation, and that's limited, than I do of women. It saddens me, but I most definitely don't know the cure. :cry: