Would you date someone who’s kid does drugs and alcohol?

[Magenta]

Hello Mike A question you could ask your lady friend is whether or not she has attended Nar-Anon or Al-Anon to help her deal with the consequences her son's addiction has had on her. It is something you may even consider for yourself, as that could possibly give you a first hand look at the devastation wreaked in people's lives who deal with addicts on a regular and/or day-to-day basis. Many NA and AA meetings are "open" as well, meaning, anybody can attend. That could possibly help you understand some of the behaviors and thinking of addicts. Best wishes to you

 

[BrotherMike]

No problem! Absolutely. I developed a tight bond with his kids because we dated for about 7 months. That, and other reasons, made it very difficult to break up, and I still miss his kids at times. His kids were all under 18, so that is a difference.

I continually went before the Lord for confirmation about the relationship, and I often would not experience peace about it. I knew that was a sign that it was necessary to end the relationship.

That's what I try to do daily... meditate on Him... it gives me the peace that passes understanding and helps me through this rollercoaster ride of life! That's great you continually went to God. He has all the answers we need.

 

[BrotherMike]

Hello Mike A question you could ask your lady friend is whether or not she has attended Nar-Anon or Al-Anon to help her deal with the consequences her son's addiction has had on her. It is something you may even consider for yourself, as that could possibly give you a first hand look at the devastation wreaked in people's lives who deal with addicts on a regular and/or day-to-day basis. Many NA and AA meetings are "open" as well, meaning, anybody can attend. That could possibly help you understand some of the behaviors of addicts. Best wishes to you

Good advice, I will look into this to see if she got some help. I know she went to celebrate recovery... I'm guessing to deal with the divorce she had but she hasn't told me. Thank you for your reply

 

[BrotherMike]

I'm headed for bed... going to snow here in Colorado and need my sleep plus the commute to work tonight. I'll be able to respond Friday afternoon / evening. God Bless!

 

[Magenta]

Good advice, I will look into this to see if she got some help. I know she went to celebrate recovery... I'm guessing to deal with the divorce she had but she hasn't told me. Thank you for your reply

 

[BrotherMike]

My thoughts would be similar to what Cinder was advising - to seek the wisdom and guidance of the Holy Spirit to lead you in this.

I also have questions like, how much invested are you with this woman? Are you willing to go all the way with her or not? If you’re just been on dates with her and are not exclusive, would this all matter in the first place?

The most powerful thing you can give the lady right now is your prayers and support, since she will need it most to be able to help her son and like IFOLLOWHIM said, he is her child first and he will always be her son, and if she has a good supportive network behind her, it would make things a little more easier to handle.

All the best bro 💙

I’ll get back to your reply tomorrow. thank you!

 

[BrotherMike]

My thoughts would be similar to what Cinder was advising - to seek the wisdom and guidance of the Holy Spirit to lead you in this.

I also have questions like, how much invested are you with this woman? Are you willing to go all the way with her or not? If you’re just been on dates with her and are not exclusive, would this all matter in the first place?

The most powerful thing you can give the lady right now is your prayers and support, since she will need it most to be able to help her son and like IFOLLOWHIM said, he is her child first and he will always be her son, and if she has a good supportive network behind her, it would make things a little more easier to handle.

All the best bro 💙

Well I called in sick tonight.. been tossing and turning all day with a cold and with the snow there is no way I can work a 12 hour shift.

Invested... it's only been 8 dates (roughly a month). I don't know yet if I want to go all the way and that bothers me. We get along great personality wise and spiritually. I'm very concerned about how she is with her kids. I need to investigate her experiences more and how she is with them currently. I guess I was in shock when I heard about the news this morning. We have been going on dates and started to talk about being exclusive the last two. I feel a little invested, but not enough to deal with the situation, however since we have been talking about being exclusive, I do want her to share her heart on the matter to figure out if I should continue or not. I do want to keep the situation in prayer.

It's good hearing from you and thanks for your reply!

 

[Lanolin]

Personally no, I dont know that I could handle it because being a stepmother isnt something God wants me to be at this stage of my life.

I think you would need to be prepared to love someone elses children unconditionally. Pray about it. May God give you the wisdom and strength. I think you would need to find out why your date divorced and what her relationship is with her child.

Drugs is a scourge to young people these days, with cocaine Its more of a class A drug that the richer kids get into. Lack of boundaries I think. Not sure as dont have direct experience of it, but its quite common among the richer set being a party drug. Sometimes children get into drugs as a way to deal with their own parents break up, because if the parents had broken up they arent really keeping an eye on their own children and having their own dramas and the children want to escape. The escape for many is into drugs.

And if parents are socialising in circles where drugs are readily available, that how children can access it. I have observed that many chldren whos parents had died young get into alcohol too as a way to numb the pain. In fact most of the addicts Ive talked to will tell me about their own family dysfunction or some trauma they are trying to avoid.

 

[Alby]

If I'm not married to her, I would probably bail but remain supportive from a distance until things work themselves out and if they don't then I would consider myself lucky for dodging a bullet.

This is hard to answer however without actually being in the situation so I think you need to think and pray on it and then follow your instincts/God's promptings.

 

[Mel85]

@BrotherMike so what’s the update with this? Fill us in yo! Lol

 

[BrotherMike]

@BrotherMike so what’s the update with this? Fill us in yo! Lol

Last Wednesday we went out and had a heart to heart talk. We actually took a 7 week break (holidays helped cause it was busy) We are hanging out and getting to know each other more. I don’t have total peace and it’s not just about her son and other two kids. She’s not enabling him and doesn’t think he is addicted. She agrees she needs counseling with him. All her three kids dropped out of high school. Again not her choice. She is really nice, but it concerns me all her kids made those choices. Where was the guidance they needed? She didn’t go to her relatives kids high school graduation out of jealousy. Still praying...

 

[Mel85]

Last Wednesday we went out and had a heart to heart talk. We actually took a 7 week break (holidays helped cause it was busy) We are hanging out and getting to know each other more. I don’t have total peace and it’s not just about her son and other two kids. She’s not enabling him and doesn’t think he is addicted. She agrees she needs counseling with him. All her three kids dropped out of high school. Again not her choice. She is really nice, but it concerns me all her kids made those choices. Where was the guidance they needed? She didn’t go to her relatives kids high school graduation out of jealousy. Still praying...

Praying for you too!

 

[Lanolin]

Last Wednesday we went out and had a heart to heart talk. We actually took a 7 week break (holidays helped cause it was busy) We are hanging out and getting to know each other more. I don’t have total peace and it’s not just about her son and other two kids. She’s not enabling him and doesn’t think he is addicted. She agrees she needs counseling with him. All her three kids dropped out of high school. Again not her choice. She is really nice, but it concerns me all her kids made those choices. Where was the guidance they needed? She didn’t go to her relatives kids high school graduation out of jealousy. Still praying...

what happened with their dad, could you fill us in, sorry if you have already. Am puzzled, is she divorced or widowed. If divorced is the dad seeing the kids or whats the arrangement? why did they split up?

 

[BrotherMike]

what happened with their dad, could you fill us in, sorry if you have already. Am puzzled, is she divorced or widowed. If divorced is the dad seeing the kids or whats the arrangement? why did they split up?

Divorced about 9 years ago, dad is taking care of the kids full time since about two years ago. She kicked them out cause she was taking care of her sick/dying mom and couldn’t handle it. Before then it was 50/50. Kids now are 23,19,17 all boys. From what I can tell she was exhausted from him from emotional abuse. He would pull the kids away from her and tell them he is the one to go to for nurturing. Very strange. He would also laugh at the kids for calling her names. I dont know how much of this is true but sad to hear. Thoughts are telling me to give it a chance and the other is telling me to end it. I’m still mulling it over. She is very nice but not feeling a spark or excitement (which is ok I guess there doesn’t need to be one cause usually that fades).

 

[Lanolin]

Divorced about 9 years ago, dad is taking care of the kids full time since about two years ago. She kicked them out cause she was taking care of her sick/dying mom and couldn’t handle it. Before then it was 50/50. Kids now are 23,19,17 all boys. From what I can tell she was exhausted from him from emotional abuse. He would pull the kids away from her and tell them he is the one to go to for nurturing. Very strange. He would also laugh at the kids for calling her names. I dont know how much of this is true but sad to hear. Thoughts are telling me to give it a chance and the other is telling me to end it. I’m still mulling it over. She is very nice but not feeling a spark or excitement (which is ok I guess there doesn’t need to be one cause usually that fades).

oh that is very tough situation sorry to hear.
Is she still looking after her mum? I dont know about kicking out your own children, but the thing is the mother situation needs to be addressed looks like she has major issues, mother daughter bond is something that is very hard to break, it can be unhealthy as well.

If the children are now all on drugs and the dad has got custody, then looks like she has divorced her children as well. You going to have to pray for her not date her. Why because dating isnt really going to solve anything and looks like a huge burden to place on you. Not the least she may still have to deal with an abusive ex.

sometimes being NICE, although it pleases some people, in the long run, just doesnt help anyone. I know a lot of parents because they kick their own children out think they doing them a favour, but with no guidance or anything means they easily fall into temptation. Its better to have some boundaries then to have none. Parents need to train up,a child in the way they should go...neglect of this vital element means they will tend to run wild. If they dont turn to drugs it will be something else to get attention.

Just my thoughts. Give it to God.

 

[BrotherMike]

oh that is very tough situation sorry to hear.
Is she still looking after her mum? I dont know about kicking out your own children, but the thing is the mother situation needs to be addressed looks like she has major issues, mother daughter bond is something that is very hard to break, it can be unhealthy as well.

If the children are now all on drugs and the dad has got custody, then looks like she has divorced her children as well. You going to have to pray for her not date her. Why because dating isnt really going to solve anything and looks like a huge burden to place on you. Not the least she may still have to deal with an abusive ex.

sometimes being NICE, although it pleases some people, in the long run, just doesnt help anyone. I know a lot of parents because they kick their own children out think they doing them a favour, but with no guidance or anything means they easily fall into temptation. Its better to have some boundaries then to have none. Parents need to train up,a child in the way they should go...neglect of this vital element means they will tend to run wild. If they dont turn to drugs it will be something else to get attention.

Just my thoughts. Give it to God.

No her mom passed away about 18 months ago. Yes, very hard / sad situation. She said on the 8th date she wanted to be with me forever and I was flattered but thought 8 dates?!? I think getting attached too soon... 🤦🏼‍♂️ Afterwards she text me about her oldest son and that made me have second thoughts of dating her again. She has three sons and one has the alcohol and drug addiction not all three. Abusive ex good point and again taking this pretty slow. She won’t enable them, which is good. I’ll be giving it to God and praying for discernment and guidance. I’m leaning towards letting go and I know the longer I wait the tougher it will be.

 

[BrotherMike]

You going to have to pray for her not date her. Why because dating isnt really going to solve anything and looks like a huge burden to place on you.

This is what I’m seriously considering because it’s not a burden I can handle right now. I don’t have the energy to emotionally deal with this. I have to listen to my own advice. I date someone to see if marriage is in the future, not to play games. When you marry someone you marry their family and everything that is in their life.

Thank you for this advice.

 

[Mel85]

This is what I’m seriously considering because it’s not a burden I can handle right now. I don’t have the energy to emotionally deal with this. I have to listen to my own advice. I date someone to see if marriage is in the future, not to play games. When you marry someone you marry their family and everything that is in their life.

Thank you for this advice.

“When you marry someone, you marry their family”.

Story of my life 🤣 and I’m not even Greek lol.

 

[rily51jean]

Yes, it makes sense. It is kind of early and however we were about to make our getting to know each other phase to exclusive but at first when we met she made it seem like he recovered, however she let me know more info that its a serious situation later in the game. I don't want to just abandon her... I told her I am sorry and would pray for her. She then let me know if this will hinder her and I and I said I don't know yet, I need to process, but I definitely will pray. She didn't like that answer, but I didn't know what to say at the time of shock. Thank you for your reply!

"but at first when we met she made it seem like he recovered, however she let me know more info that its a serious situation later in the game." .... "but I didn't know what to say at the time of shock."

I could be very wrong, and I don't want to be passing judgment or anything, but little "red flags" popped out of my head all over the place, and, IMHO, it appears to me that maybe she wasn't all that up front/honest with you from the start? I don't know her, but when you said you didn't know what to say at the time of shock, it sounds to me like she maybe misled you. Then she didn't like the answer you gave her when she asked if what she said would hinder your relationship with her....it seems to me she should've been more understanding of your position this put you in, i.e., the shock. I hope this doesn't offend you, it sounds like you care very much for her.
I think you need to really pray to the Lord for discernment in all of this.

 

[BrotherMike]

"but at first when we met she made it seem like he recovered, however she let me know more info that its a serious situation later in the game." .... "but I didn't know what to say at the time of shock."

I could be very wrong, and I don't want to be passing judgment or anything, but little "red flags" popped out of my head all over the place, and, IMHO, it appears to me that maybe she wasn't all that up front/honest with you from the start? I don't know her, but when you said you didn't know what to say at the time of shock, it sounds to me like she maybe misled you. Then she didn't like the answer you gave her when she asked if what she said would hinder your relationship with her....it seems to me she should've been more understanding of your position this put you in, i.e., the shock. I hope this doesn't offend you, it sounds like you care very much for her.
I think you need to really pray to the Lord for discernment in all of this.

Yeah, I totally agree about the red flags. What makes this a tough decision is that she is really nice, but needs a lot of emotional support with what she has to deal with. I just don't think I have the strength to deal with these red flags. Thank you for chiming in