Hello again. It's me. That girl who couldn't find assurance . Well, I discovered I wasn't really saved to begin with, but before I came to that realization, I went through a painful phase of thinking Christ was asking me to do stuff that didn't make sense or that I just didnt want to do ...
So I ended up not eating just because random times kept popping into my head... harassing one of my relatives whom I don't have a good relationship with ( i.e always going to apologize, even though I wasn't sorry, offering them stuff when I didnt want to, asking them for stuff though I want confortable) . This was caused because I read a preview or sample quite a few books , but o think the one that really set me off was this one called ' Hard to Believe', and I figured out the costly discipleship think and assumed I had to do all that stuff, but I was scared to submit to him( selfish reasons). I was so scared I kept watching videos watching videos and just going through this cycle of being dysfunctional. I snuck out twice to ' witness' to my neighbors , l parents thought I was just reading my bible outside ) , and knocked on doors and told people about the Gospel . Second time I snuck out, I was freaked out about going to hell , and my parebts got mad and ... disciplined me, and had a chat . And I guess I felt some sick satisfaction, you know , like ' look Christ ! See what I did ', but to be honest i was just as empty and wretched as I'd always been. So I made excuses about coming to God, because I genuinely afraid of submitting. I just didn't want to. So I guess I prayed to him, jut lived my own way ,and it felt great for a while because i could eat when i wanted to , not have to do random stuff ...
But that doesn't change the fact I need to be saved... I wrote to 'I'll be honest.' And got an answer, and I guess I just need to repent, believe,, and start walking.
So here I am. I say I'm going to repent , and stop overeating, be respectful, be kind , and stop being such a wretch, but I am not resolved enough, and honestly not really caring. I've accepted I cant change my sinful thinking patterns, and honestly speaking. I need to be saved , salvation costs a lot. It's free. But a lot. But not as much as an eternity in hell. I pray , ask him for help ... to save me.
P.s I feel no remorse or sense of doom , but know I'm heading to hell if I don't make things right.
So . How do I accept his terms and conditions for salvation. And not fail as well.
So I ended up not eating just because random times kept popping into my head... harassing one of my relatives whom I don't have a good relationship with ( i.e always going to apologize, even though I wasn't sorry, offering them stuff when I didnt want to, asking them for stuff though I want confortable) . This was caused because I read a preview or sample quite a few books , but o think the one that really set me off was this one called ' Hard to Believe', and I figured out the costly discipleship think and assumed I had to do all that stuff, but I was scared to submit to him( selfish reasons). I was so scared I kept watching videos watching videos and just going through this cycle of being dysfunctional. I snuck out twice to ' witness' to my neighbors , l parents thought I was just reading my bible outside ) , and knocked on doors and told people about the Gospel . Second time I snuck out, I was freaked out about going to hell , and my parebts got mad and ... disciplined me, and had a chat . And I guess I felt some sick satisfaction, you know , like ' look Christ ! See what I did ', but to be honest i was just as empty and wretched as I'd always been. So I made excuses about coming to God, because I genuinely afraid of submitting. I just didn't want to. So I guess I prayed to him, jut lived my own way ,and it felt great for a while because i could eat when i wanted to , not have to do random stuff ...
But that doesn't change the fact I need to be saved... I wrote to 'I'll be honest.' And got an answer, and I guess I just need to repent, believe,, and start walking.
So here I am. I say I'm going to repent , and stop overeating, be respectful, be kind , and stop being such a wretch, but I am not resolved enough, and honestly not really caring. I've accepted I cant change my sinful thinking patterns, and honestly speaking. I need to be saved , salvation costs a lot. It's free. But a lot. But not as much as an eternity in hell. I pray , ask him for help ... to save me.
P.s I feel no remorse or sense of doom , but know I'm heading to hell if I don't make things right.
So . How do I accept his terms and conditions for salvation. And not fail as well.
