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If you are God's then you won't get any real lasting joy from living like your friends. The only one that can help you with this is God though. Prayer, prayer, and more prayer. Not just the kind of prayer where you ask for things, which you should be honest about your feelings to God, He knows anyway so no point trying to hide these thoughts from Him. After you pour out this stuff to Him though, listen to Him. Wait for Him to answer. Don't give up if He doesn't knock your socks off in 2 minutes.
What I'm saying is tarry before the Lord. There are promises from God that He will keep you. You can remind Him from His word
. Most of us have these feelings at some point. Don't forget that there is a crown. I would also reccommend not hanging out with lost people all the time. Satan works in such ways. So to conclude, flee from temptation, pray, pray, wait on God in prayer. Keep knocking.
There is the parable about the unjust judge who keeps on getting harrassed by a woman everyday. Eventually the judge gives in. Now if an unjust judge will do that, how much more will God pour out His spirit to those in need? Basically Jesus said, keep on knocking, kinda says, keep on bugging God and He will help you
The LORD bless you and keep you
What I'm saying is tarry before the Lord. There are promises from God that He will keep you. You can remind Him from His word
. Most of us have these feelings at some point. Don't forget that there is a crown. I would also reccommend not hanging out with lost people all the time. Satan works in such ways. So to conclude, flee from temptation, pray, pray, wait on God in prayer. Keep knocking.There is the parable about the unjust judge who keeps on getting harrassed by a woman everyday. Eventually the judge gives in. Now if an unjust judge will do that, how much more will God pour out His spirit to those in need? Basically Jesus said, keep on knocking, kinda says, keep on bugging God and He will help you
The LORD bless you and keep you
Hey. I understand how u feel. Wanna show you something I wrote once - pasting it from a private documents file in my puter - that helped me process what I "want" and what I meant by that, because I believe that "want" is an overused word that we use for too many variations of what we mean by it and when we confuse the different meanings we end up either denying what we crave (pretending the craving isn't there until it consumes us) or embracing everything we crave because we assume craving is synonymous to deciding to obtain because we use the word "want" for both.
I will edit out some of the very private things I wrote, but it may still end up long, so feel free to skim read. You should still get the gist;
" Let's take this example: Do you want to be healthy? Duh. Of course. Well, do you realise that to obtain that takes good habbits in your
lifestyle? Yes. So, knowing that, tell me this: Do you want some chocolate? Yes. Yes I do. I want to be healthy and I want chocolate.
Uh-Oh. We have two contradicting statements. Yes I want to be healthy. Yes I want some chocolate. But you see, this is not a question of personal integrity but of language. We overuse the word "want". Just look at this. I "want" can mean ...
I aspire to that as an ideal..............................................(I want to be like Jesus.I don't want to get drunk.)
I desire that outcome.....................................................(I want to get well.I don't want to sleep at unhealthy times.)
I like/ miss/ hunger for the idea of that.................................(I want the life I had as a married person.I don't want to forget Wally.)
I'm craving that right now................................................(I want to *****.I don't want to think about my integrity or what is wise.)
I have decided to pursue a course of action that will get me that.........(I want fast food for dinner.I don't want to think about my health or finances.)
I feel drawn to that......................................................(I want to be helpful to *****. I don't want to be self-absorbed.)
I believe that is wise;I acknowledge that it is what I "should" pursue....(I want to get on with my life and stay away from Wally.I don't want to be holding on to my past.)
I know that is right.(And I desire the decision of doing the right thing).....(I want to be involved in appropriate ministries at ******.I don't want to fight what God is doing in me and for others.)
I have made a decision to move in that direction at this point............(I want to fall asleep watching dvds.I don't want to have to deal with *****.)
I wish I could have that, but I do not believe it is possible.............(I want friends who understand me, and whom I totally trust. I don't want to be alone.)
I see the apeal in that...................................................(I want to ****** all the time. I don't want to take responsibility for my life.)
I am making a long term commitment to obtain that at all costs............(I want to be a faithful Christian disciple. I don't want to backslide.)
At this point, I am overwhelmed by a feeling of neediness for that........(I want..**..attention... I want to feel **** and have *******.I don't want to feel worthless and lonely.)
I am determined to obtain that right now and am not willing for anything to stand in the way of the instant gratification that I seek.....(I want sleep. I don't want to consider consequenses or attempt things that are emotionally difficult.)
I am caught up in a pattern or habbit of that due to insecurities or areas of unfulfillment and at this point I am not willing to actively
attempt to put a stop to it...............................................(I want to isolate myself and ********. I don't want to see anyone or deal with my life.)
That makes me feel good, so I'm curious about it and am willing to casually pursue it and see what happens...................................(I want to write. I don't want to deny myself the opportunty to put my intelligence to use.)
I flippantly hope that will happen........................................(I want to see a movie this week. I don't want to be bored.)
I desperately hope that is in my future...................................(I want to understand myself and find and prosper in what I was designed for. I don't want my life to be meaningless.)
I am sad that I do not have that..........................................(I want my mum and dad.I don't want to bear the burden of my emotional neediness all by myself.)
I wish I had that now.....................................................(I want my own place and a suitable, reliable car, but no financial debt. I don't want to be dependant on others.)
That makes me feel giddy when I have it or think about it.................(I want people to be interested in who I am. I don't want to be forgotten and dismissed.)
I fantasize about that in some deep part of my subconscience where I don't even admit it to myself in words................(I want to *****.I don't want the way things seem now to be all there is for me.)
Without making any direct comitments to effort, I hope that somehow myself or something else will move me in that direction..........(I want to lose weight and be physically fit, healthy and attractive. I don't want my health to get out of hand.)
I feel I will be uncomfortable and unhappy if I don't have that...........(I want a new matress. I don't want to keep waking up with a sore back.)
I accept that offer or opportunity with deatatched gladness...............(I want to work an extra hour today.Why not. I have nothing better to do.)
There are plenty more, but that will do for now.
Though I will throw this in, since it is so typical of me that it is begging to be voiced:
I grieve the idea that, I crave what is being offered to me but fear rejection, failure and powerlessness and feel compelled by my insecurities to decline offers and avoid opportunities, thus sabotaging my own happiness at all costs.................................(I want to participate. I don't want to miss out.)
See how the concepts seem to contradict eachother when you look at the bracketed statements saying "I want" and "I don't want"? Yet if you look at each in
context with the phrase before it explaining what was meant by the word "want", it makes perfect sense.
So anyway. When someone says "What do you want?" I find myself
wishing for a little more clarity as to what it is they are asking.
So, for example... Do you "want" to be healthy? Well which want do you mean? I like the idea of that. I believe that is wise. I know that is right.
In all these ways, yes.
Do you want some chocolate?
I'm craving that right now. I feel drawn to that.I have made a decision to move in that direction at this point.Yes I want chocolate.
You see, these truths co-exist because
they mean different things.
But we use the word "want" for all of them. I want (crave) chocolate but I don't want (believe is wise) chocolate.
And you see when one finds themselves "wanting" something unwanted- that's where I lose clarity about what is real.
And that's where I feel unsafe because I seem to be at the mercy of a drive I can not control, and become lost
in my attempts to make sense of my thoughts and wants.
Yeah. Unwanted wants. I like that.Unwanted wants and unneeded needs. "
I will edit out some of the very private things I wrote, but it may still end up long, so feel free to skim read. You should still get the gist;
" Let's take this example: Do you want to be healthy? Duh. Of course. Well, do you realise that to obtain that takes good habbits in your
lifestyle? Yes. So, knowing that, tell me this: Do you want some chocolate? Yes. Yes I do. I want to be healthy and I want chocolate.
Uh-Oh. We have two contradicting statements. Yes I want to be healthy. Yes I want some chocolate. But you see, this is not a question of personal integrity but of language. We overuse the word "want". Just look at this. I "want" can mean ...
I aspire to that as an ideal..............................................(I want to be like Jesus.I don't want to get drunk.)
I desire that outcome.....................................................(I want to get well.I don't want to sleep at unhealthy times.)
I like/ miss/ hunger for the idea of that.................................(I want the life I had as a married person.I don't want to forget Wally.)
I'm craving that right now................................................(I want to *****.I don't want to think about my integrity or what is wise.)
I have decided to pursue a course of action that will get me that.........(I want fast food for dinner.I don't want to think about my health or finances.)
I feel drawn to that......................................................(I want to be helpful to *****. I don't want to be self-absorbed.)
I believe that is wise;I acknowledge that it is what I "should" pursue....(I want to get on with my life and stay away from Wally.I don't want to be holding on to my past.)
I know that is right.(And I desire the decision of doing the right thing).....(I want to be involved in appropriate ministries at ******.I don't want to fight what God is doing in me and for others.)
I have made a decision to move in that direction at this point............(I want to fall asleep watching dvds.I don't want to have to deal with *****.)
I wish I could have that, but I do not believe it is possible.............(I want friends who understand me, and whom I totally trust. I don't want to be alone.)
I see the apeal in that...................................................(I want to ****** all the time. I don't want to take responsibility for my life.)
I am making a long term commitment to obtain that at all costs............(I want to be a faithful Christian disciple. I don't want to backslide.)
At this point, I am overwhelmed by a feeling of neediness for that........(I want..**..attention... I want to feel **** and have *******.I don't want to feel worthless and lonely.)
I am determined to obtain that right now and am not willing for anything to stand in the way of the instant gratification that I seek.....(I want sleep. I don't want to consider consequenses or attempt things that are emotionally difficult.)
I am caught up in a pattern or habbit of that due to insecurities or areas of unfulfillment and at this point I am not willing to actively
attempt to put a stop to it...............................................(I want to isolate myself and ********. I don't want to see anyone or deal with my life.)
That makes me feel good, so I'm curious about it and am willing to casually pursue it and see what happens...................................(I want to write. I don't want to deny myself the opportunty to put my intelligence to use.)
I flippantly hope that will happen........................................(I want to see a movie this week. I don't want to be bored.)
I desperately hope that is in my future...................................(I want to understand myself and find and prosper in what I was designed for. I don't want my life to be meaningless.)
I am sad that I do not have that..........................................(I want my mum and dad.I don't want to bear the burden of my emotional neediness all by myself.)
I wish I had that now.....................................................(I want my own place and a suitable, reliable car, but no financial debt. I don't want to be dependant on others.)
That makes me feel giddy when I have it or think about it.................(I want people to be interested in who I am. I don't want to be forgotten and dismissed.)
I fantasize about that in some deep part of my subconscience where I don't even admit it to myself in words................(I want to *****.I don't want the way things seem now to be all there is for me.)
Without making any direct comitments to effort, I hope that somehow myself or something else will move me in that direction..........(I want to lose weight and be physically fit, healthy and attractive. I don't want my health to get out of hand.)
I feel I will be uncomfortable and unhappy if I don't have that...........(I want a new matress. I don't want to keep waking up with a sore back.)
I accept that offer or opportunity with deatatched gladness...............(I want to work an extra hour today.Why not. I have nothing better to do.)
There are plenty more, but that will do for now.
Though I will throw this in, since it is so typical of me that it is begging to be voiced:
I grieve the idea that, I crave what is being offered to me but fear rejection, failure and powerlessness and feel compelled by my insecurities to decline offers and avoid opportunities, thus sabotaging my own happiness at all costs.................................(I want to participate. I don't want to miss out.)
See how the concepts seem to contradict eachother when you look at the bracketed statements saying "I want" and "I don't want"? Yet if you look at each in
context with the phrase before it explaining what was meant by the word "want", it makes perfect sense.
So anyway. When someone says "What do you want?" I find myself
wishing for a little more clarity as to what it is they are asking.
So, for example... Do you "want" to be healthy? Well which want do you mean? I like the idea of that. I believe that is wise. I know that is right.
In all these ways, yes.
Do you want some chocolate?
I'm craving that right now. I feel drawn to that.I have made a decision to move in that direction at this point.Yes I want chocolate.
You see, these truths co-exist because
they mean different things.
But we use the word "want" for all of them. I want (crave) chocolate but I don't want (believe is wise) chocolate.
And you see when one finds themselves "wanting" something unwanted- that's where I lose clarity about what is real.
And that's where I feel unsafe because I seem to be at the mercy of a drive I can not control, and become lost
in my attempts to make sense of my thoughts and wants.
Yeah. Unwanted wants. I like that.Unwanted wants and unneeded needs. "
S
I'm sure you're familiar with the parable about the prodigal Son, and if you desire such an adventure, you aren't the first, and it's doubtful that you will be the last. Few have gone to the depths of depravity and sin that I have experienced. I know what it is to run. I did it for years, all the while 'literally' hearing a voice in my thoughts saying, I love you Todd. I know what it is to be in jail, I know what it is to get so drunk that you don't remember what happened the night before. I know what it is to calculate a lethal dosage of an over the counter medicine making sure that my suicide attempt will be successful.
I know what it is to be filled, not only with sin, but with demons. I know what it is to be in such darkness that your thoughts are no longer your own. I know what it is to have sinned so badly that your testimony can not be told in its entirety. I know what it is to view this world through a filter of sinfulness. I know what it is to feel 'literal' pain, as demons leave my body. Let me know which aspect of this sounds desirable to you. All the while 'literally' hearing, I Love you Todd.
But, I also know what it is to be rescued by Jesus. I know what it is to be filled with the Holy Spirit, and to be filled with hope for tomorrow. I know what it is to know that even after destroying a 13 year marriage through sexual immorality, that I can be a good father who has the respect of his children. I know what it is to be surrounded by people who care for me, pray for me, and genuinely love me. I know what it is to be part of the body of Christ, the Church, and while I may not be perfect, and while I fight spiritual battles in order to preserve the stability I now have in Christ, it's worth it. This world means nothing to me.
What is it that you have suffered for Christ that has brought so much persecution in your life, that you are now contemplating turning away? If you are His, Jordan, you won't be able to. You are certainly capable of running, as we all are, but if you belong to Christ, He will not lose you. You will only invite a season of hardship and feelings of emptiness into your life.
What is it that the world does that we cannot do? I drink responsibly. I watch movies. I dance. I love Jazz. I date and I fall in love. Beyond sexual immorality and worshipping other gods, what is this great attraction that is drawing you away?
If you have developed relationships with unbelieving friends and are beginning to find their lives more desirable, I believe that the thing you should be considering at this moment, is how to end those relationships.
Psa 73:1 A Psalm of Asaph. Truly God is good to Israel, to those who are pure in heart.
Psa 73:2 But as for me, my feet had almost stumbled, my steps had nearly slipped.
Psa 73:3 For I was envious of the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.
Psa 73:4 For they have no pangs until death; their bodies are fat and sleek.
Psa 73:5 They are not in trouble as others are; they are not stricken like the rest of mankind.
Psa 73:6 Therefore pride is their necklace; violence covers them as a garment.
Psa 73:7 Their eyes swell out through fatness; their hearts overflow with follies.
Psa 73:8 They scoff and speak with malice; loftily they threaten oppression.
Psa 73:9 They set their mouths against the heavens, and their tongue struts through the earth.
Psa 73:10 Therefore his people turn back to them, and find no fault in them.
Psa 73:11 And they say, "How can God know? Is there knowledge in the Most High?"
Psa 73:12 Behold, these are the wicked; always at ease, they increase in riches.
Psa 73:13 All in vain have I kept my heart clean and washed my hands in innocence.
Psa 73:14 For all the day long I have been stricken and rebuked every morning.
Psa 73:15 If I had said, "I will speak thus," I would have betrayed the generation of your children.
Psa 73:16 But when I thought how to understand this, it seemed to me a wearisome task,
Psa 73:17 until I went into the sanctuary of God; then I discerned their end.
Psa 73:18 Truly you set them in slippery places; you make them fall to ruin.
Psa 73:19 How they are destroyed in a moment, swept away utterly by terrors!
Psa 73:20 Like a dream when one awakes, O Lord, when you rouse yourself, you despise them as phantoms.
Psa 73:21 When my soul was embittered, when I was pricked in heart,
Psa 73:22 I was brutish and ignorant; I was like a beast toward you.
Psa 73:23 Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand.
Psa 73:24 You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will receive me to glory.
Psa 73:25 Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
Psa 73:26 My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Psa 73:27 For behold, those who are far from you shall perish; you put an end to everyone who is unfaithful to you.
Psa 73:28 But for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord GOD my refuge, that I may tell of all your works.
Psa 73:2 But as for me, my feet had almost stumbled, my steps had nearly slipped.
Psa 73:3 For I was envious of the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.
Psa 73:4 For they have no pangs until death; their bodies are fat and sleek.
Psa 73:5 They are not in trouble as others are; they are not stricken like the rest of mankind.
Psa 73:6 Therefore pride is their necklace; violence covers them as a garment.
Psa 73:7 Their eyes swell out through fatness; their hearts overflow with follies.
Psa 73:8 They scoff and speak with malice; loftily they threaten oppression.
Psa 73:9 They set their mouths against the heavens, and their tongue struts through the earth.
Psa 73:10 Therefore his people turn back to them, and find no fault in them.
Psa 73:11 And they say, "How can God know? Is there knowledge in the Most High?"
Psa 73:12 Behold, these are the wicked; always at ease, they increase in riches.
Psa 73:13 All in vain have I kept my heart clean and washed my hands in innocence.
Psa 73:14 For all the day long I have been stricken and rebuked every morning.
Psa 73:15 If I had said, "I will speak thus," I would have betrayed the generation of your children.
Psa 73:16 But when I thought how to understand this, it seemed to me a wearisome task,
Psa 73:17 until I went into the sanctuary of God; then I discerned their end.
Psa 73:18 Truly you set them in slippery places; you make them fall to ruin.
Psa 73:19 How they are destroyed in a moment, swept away utterly by terrors!
Psa 73:20 Like a dream when one awakes, O Lord, when you rouse yourself, you despise them as phantoms.
Psa 73:21 When my soul was embittered, when I was pricked in heart,
Psa 73:22 I was brutish and ignorant; I was like a beast toward you.
Psa 73:23 Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand.
Psa 73:24 You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will receive me to glory.
Psa 73:25 Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
Psa 73:26 My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Psa 73:27 For behold, those who are far from you shall perish; you put an end to everyone who is unfaithful to you.
Psa 73:28 But for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord GOD my refuge, that I may tell of all your works.
Jordan, don't do it man!
Take up your cross!
The things of this world will not last. Sometimes atheist's lives look more fun, but they have rejected God, so this life is all they have. Of course they're going to try to get as much pleasure out of it as they can, and their lives are going to look more fun than yours. Sin is pleasurable, when you're doing it. But the spiritual consequences of it are not worth it. James 1:14-16 - "But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death."
I wish I had rededicated my life to Christ when I was 19 as you have, instead of spending years trying to attain the things of this world. These could have been the best years of my life, but I wasted them. All I found was misery. How I wish I could have strived for a life of holiness without first striving for the things of this world and realising that they don't bring fulfillment or happiness!
The world is full of evil - don't be a part of it man. Our citizenship is in heaven. Serve the Lord who loves you!
Take up your cross!
The things of this world will not last. Sometimes atheist's lives look more fun, but they have rejected God, so this life is all they have. Of course they're going to try to get as much pleasure out of it as they can, and their lives are going to look more fun than yours. Sin is pleasurable, when you're doing it. But the spiritual consequences of it are not worth it. James 1:14-16 - "But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death."
I wish I had rededicated my life to Christ when I was 19 as you have, instead of spending years trying to attain the things of this world. These could have been the best years of my life, but I wasted them. All I found was misery. How I wish I could have strived for a life of holiness without first striving for the things of this world and realising that they don't bring fulfillment or happiness!
The world is full of evil - don't be a part of it man. Our citizenship is in heaven. Serve the Lord who loves you!
C
Love the testimony and advice here Jordan i too ran from God once but because of 'the cares of this life' ....i felt life would be easier if i could just handle it my way, WRONG!! it only got worse,i learned the hard way too that yeah at times life totally bites!! but God didnt do it ,He is still good and HE is still faithful. He may not lift the burden today but He will in due time and when the dust has settled you will look back and have learned soooo much.What we as christians need to remember and i think we too often forget is we serve God not because of what He does or doesnt do for us but simply because of who He is I sincerely wish you my best
Jordan i too ran from God once but because of 'the cares of this life' ....i felt life would be easier if i could just handle it my way, WRONG!! it only got worse,i learned the hard way too that yeah at times life totally bites!! but God didnt do it ,He is still good and HE is still faithful. He may not lift the burden today but He will in due time and when the dust has settled you will look back and have learned soooo much.What we as christians need to remember and i think we too often forget is we serve God not because of what He does or doesnt do for us but simply because of who He is I sincerely wish you my best
M
The best advice I can give you is to not be a Christian as you currently define Christianity. Christianity is not supposed to be a concept, religion, or moral standard, but an intimate relationship with God where those things become a genuine and passionate desire in our hearts.
I've been where you are right now, and I can say that I never had a desire to be Christian until I truly discovered the One who Loves me more than I can fathom or comprehend. If you feel like you are trying so hard to do things for Him, stop. It is by the Grace of God that we have the righteousness of Christ, not by our works, or anything we can do to earn it.
The way our works naturally come out is when we truly start to know our Creator as More than a distant God who we can fully comprehend in the pages of scripture, that sometimes answers our prayers. Everything that we do is suppose to be the fruit of our relationship with God. It doesn't work the other way, where our relationship with God is earned by what we do. God wants sons and daughters that desire to obey out of love, rather than just requirement to obey.
I remember crying out to God for more than a year feeling defeated and like self-centeredness was taking over. But through my persistence one night I had an encounter with God that changed my life forever. I felt the tangible Love of God for the first time, and wept on the floor the entire night. I would encourage you to not give up until you meet this Jesus who's Love is more amazing than anything this world could offer.
Blessings,
Machew
I've been where you are right now, and I can say that I never had a desire to be Christian until I truly discovered the One who Loves me more than I can fathom or comprehend. If you feel like you are trying so hard to do things for Him, stop. It is by the Grace of God that we have the righteousness of Christ, not by our works, or anything we can do to earn it.
The way our works naturally come out is when we truly start to know our Creator as More than a distant God who we can fully comprehend in the pages of scripture, that sometimes answers our prayers. Everything that we do is suppose to be the fruit of our relationship with God. It doesn't work the other way, where our relationship with God is earned by what we do. God wants sons and daughters that desire to obey out of love, rather than just requirement to obey.
I remember crying out to God for more than a year feeling defeated and like self-centeredness was taking over. But through my persistence one night I had an encounter with God that changed my life forever. I felt the tangible Love of God for the first time, and wept on the floor the entire night. I would encourage you to not give up until you meet this Jesus who's Love is more amazing than anything this world could offer.
Blessings,
Machew
S
I do agree that the choice must be genuine, however, on a Christian website, when it involves someone who professes to be a Christian and is contemplating turning away from God, the advice will always be one sided. We are here to encourage, strengthen, instruct, and sometimes rebuke one another, and whether this is done well or poorly, multiple efforts will be made to give hope to a struggling believer. The intent of every genuine believer will never be to lead someone away from God, and so I say of course the advice is one sided, as well it should be. We are on the side of Christ.
Surely, even as an atheist, you understand this. You are certainly entitled to your opinion, but I'm saying that even though you may see many denominations represented here, don't be mislead, we are one Church, the body of Christ, which has many parts, and each part exists to strengthen the other parts and to share their faith in Christ, participating in the salvation of those who have made a choice not to defend their sin. Surely you must know this.
Surely, even as an atheist, you understand this. You are certainly entitled to your opinion, but I'm saying that even though you may see many denominations represented here, don't be mislead, we are one Church, the body of Christ, which has many parts, and each part exists to strengthen the other parts and to share their faith in Christ, participating in the salvation of those who have made a choice not to defend their sin. Surely you must know this.
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Jordan,
I wish I had an all-encompassing, "one-size-fits-all" answer for you. Once before (about 8 years ago), I suffered a tremendous heartbreak in my life. It was nighttime, and I ran outside, and screamed my head off into the sky. I was so angry, and I told God point-blank, "If this is what it means to serve You, if this is the price for You and for love...then I want no more of either!" Looking back, I wish I could say I didn't mean it...but I did. I lost all my composure, and raged against God for what felt like the biggest and worst tragedy in my life. I let Him know exactly how I felt, and afterwards I didn't know what to do. I wandered around in a kind of "spiritual void" for about 2 years, not really knowing what to believe, and it took another heartbreak for me to leap towards God's grace. I became suicidal, and God showed me - literally - what would happen if I took my own life. I know what its like to feel abandoned and deserted by God, and to wonder if He even exists.
If your heart's desire is to follow God, then talk to Him about it. Tell Him the problems you face, and how you really feel. I don't just mean formal prayer; God can work with you in more ways than that. You can talk to Him out loud, or silently to yourself; He hears you either way. Tell God how conflicted you feel, and ask Him to reveal Himself to you in a way that you can't deny it. God is many, many things, but one thing He's not is cruel. He sent Jesus to bear every problem you have ever had, or ever will have. Jesus is strong enough to take all the guilt and shame for anything in your life, so you don't have to go through it alone. I know it sounds unbelievable, and at times you will feel doubtful. Any Christian - no matter how devout - will openly admit that they have trouble sometimes with doubt...if they don't, they're lying.
Sometimes, we really don't feel that Jesus loves us, and admitting that isn't a sin. There's no reason at all for you to be ashamed over your confusion, so don't let anyone - not even yourself - tell you otherwise. Tell God everything you feel; I assure you that He does not hate us in our times of weakness or failure. God loves you so much that if you were the only one who ever accepted Jesus as Lord, that'd be reason enough for God to send Him.
I wish I had an all-encompassing, "one-size-fits-all" answer for you. Once before (about 8 years ago), I suffered a tremendous heartbreak in my life. It was nighttime, and I ran outside, and screamed my head off into the sky. I was so angry, and I told God point-blank, "If this is what it means to serve You, if this is the price for You and for love...then I want no more of either!" Looking back, I wish I could say I didn't mean it...but I did. I lost all my composure, and raged against God for what felt like the biggest and worst tragedy in my life. I let Him know exactly how I felt, and afterwards I didn't know what to do. I wandered around in a kind of "spiritual void" for about 2 years, not really knowing what to believe, and it took another heartbreak for me to leap towards God's grace. I became suicidal, and God showed me - literally - what would happen if I took my own life. I know what its like to feel abandoned and deserted by God, and to wonder if He even exists.
If your heart's desire is to follow God, then talk to Him about it. Tell Him the problems you face, and how you really feel. I don't just mean formal prayer; God can work with you in more ways than that. You can talk to Him out loud, or silently to yourself; He hears you either way. Tell God how conflicted you feel, and ask Him to reveal Himself to you in a way that you can't deny it. God is many, many things, but one thing He's not is cruel. He sent Jesus to bear every problem you have ever had, or ever will have. Jesus is strong enough to take all the guilt and shame for anything in your life, so you don't have to go through it alone. I know it sounds unbelievable, and at times you will feel doubtful. Any Christian - no matter how devout - will openly admit that they have trouble sometimes with doubt...if they don't, they're lying.
Sometimes, we really don't feel that Jesus loves us, and admitting that isn't a sin. There's no reason at all for you to be ashamed over your confusion, so don't let anyone - not even yourself - tell you otherwise. Tell God everything you feel; I assure you that He does not hate us in our times of weakness or failure. God loves you so much that if you were the only one who ever accepted Jesus as Lord, that'd be reason enough for God to send Him.
J
Thanks everyone for your encouraging words and your anecdotes. It really, really means a lot.
As I said in my original post, I do honestly love Jesus, but I am terrible at showing it. I'm lazy, too easily tempted, ungrateful. It is easy to say I am a Christian, but frustratingly difficult for me to do it. "It is easy to find truth, it is hard to face it, and harder still to follow it." - Archbishop Fulton Sheen. This is wayyy too true.
As I said in my original post, I do honestly love Jesus, but I am terrible at showing it. I'm lazy, too easily tempted, ungrateful. It is easy to say I am a Christian, but frustratingly difficult for me to do it. "It is easy to find truth, it is hard to face it, and harder still to follow it." - Archbishop Fulton Sheen. This is wayyy too true.
When I was twenty one, God had delivered me from much and blessed me. I was truly happy deep down for the first time in my life. I will not go into that past life here, just to say the differance was dramatic. But there was one thing I had not given God after all he had done for me.
I had to follow my own path and went out with a non Chjristian.
I thought the Christian life was hard too, and what God expected from me was too much. How I wish I could now return to when I was twenty one. I had thirty years of misery for going my own way. I wasted my life, because I would not stick with God. I can assure you, this world with all its allurements and attractions will never make you happy, only leave you with a sick feeling deep down in your heart, that you are going against God who loves you.
Because you have known Him, the unhappiness for you will be far worse than for your friends who may never have known Him. If you choose to leave God for the world you will one day come back to Him with tears and cry out to Him for His help, and He will help you, because He will always love you, but the pain in the meantime will eventually mean you live a hell on earth, I know.
The world didn't love me, but God always has, and to throw away that kind of love, is soul destroying. Yes, God never promised us an easy ride, but I can assure you the a lternative is truly horrific. And I found that once I started turning to the world, it was not easy to return to God. Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom before we will come to God in our hearts.
I cannot have my time back, but you still have yours, I pray you will not throw your life away, God loves you so much, but he won't take games, that is not possible. It is your choice, but the decision you make now will affect the rest of your life. I pray it will be the one that brings you the only true happiness you can ever have
I had to follow my own path and went out with a non Chjristian.
I thought the Christian life was hard too, and what God expected from me was too much. How I wish I could now return to when I was twenty one. I had thirty years of misery for going my own way. I wasted my life, because I would not stick with God. I can assure you, this world with all its allurements and attractions will never make you happy, only leave you with a sick feeling deep down in your heart, that you are going against God who loves you.
Because you have known Him, the unhappiness for you will be far worse than for your friends who may never have known Him. If you choose to leave God for the world you will one day come back to Him with tears and cry out to Him for His help, and He will help you, because He will always love you, but the pain in the meantime will eventually mean you live a hell on earth, I know.
The world didn't love me, but God always has, and to throw away that kind of love, is soul destroying. Yes, God never promised us an easy ride, but I can assure you the a lternative is truly horrific. And I found that once I started turning to the world, it was not easy to return to God. Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom before we will come to God in our hearts.
I cannot have my time back, but you still have yours, I pray you will not throw your life away, God loves you so much, but he won't take games, that is not possible. It is your choice, but the decision you make now will affect the rest of your life. I pray it will be the one that brings you the only true happiness you can ever have