L
so here is something that has been on my heart, mind, and prayers for a while, and i feel like i need some kind of affirmation or some kind of answer or solution...
it is kinda a long story, but i will try to keep it brief
ok... i was in a high school youth group when the youth paster suddenly announced that he was leaving for a different ministy, and we supported him, and he left.
after a year of searching, one of the leaders was finally appointed as the new youth leader, and it was exciting, unitl he merged the high school and jr. high/ middle school kids and started focusing on the jr. high, while ignoring the spiritual needs of the high schoolers. by the time this was complete, there were only 5 high schoolers left at this church, and i was one of them. i felt trapped there because i didn't want to leave the church i had grown to love.
so i decided to ignore my own spiritual needs, and serve the younger kids instead, but as i already discussed my dissapointment with the youth program with his wife, i could sense that the youth paster resented me. i would offer to help with slideshows and helping with retreats and such but he would say "yeah sure" but he would never take me up on it, and his wife would end up doing the work. i felt unwanted by him, but the few high school friends who were left (after discussion) who felt the same call to serve instead of be served were my dearest friends, and i couldn't leave them.
Fast forward 3 years, after have gone through depression and growth overcoming it, i have just finished high school, and things seem to be left on a good note after he willing gave very good letters of recommendation to college
but when i came back for winter break, it turned out he had left with the new senior pastor (who was later caught in a prostitution ring) who was creating a new church a few miles away, effectively splitting the church into two, with many others leaving both churches.
but i went to the different youth group he had now led, so that i could see familiar faces. i also needed a pastoral recommendation to do a study abroad program to Japan
he said he was willing, and then i didn't hear from him again until 4 months later. after call after call trying to contact him, he never picked up the phone.
so i sent an email to him and one of the old elders, as well as my dad and another dear family friend, explaining if anyone would be willing to fill out this pastoral recommendation, but i, admittedly, said, "because (this youth pastor) won't do it, i am asking you to help me" and it was kind rude, but i was under enormous pressure taking 18 credit hours, finals, and the deadline for the study abroad application looming above my head.
then he finally sent me an email explaining his sadness and resentment for being my youth pastor, because i was "in the way" and that i never accepted his leadership, as well he would regrettably give a recommendation if he had to. the email was long, and when i got it i felt so guilty and so terrible at the end of it i couldn't stop crying for an hour (it was an hour before class, i only had that long to grieve)
i wrote him a long email back, expressing my apology, my reasons, as well as explaining myself on how through many times in his youth group i had depression, couldn't see clearly, and the fact that he seemed to care more for jr. highers had hurt me, but that i didn't blame him, and i begged his forgiveness.
and i have not heard anything from him since. it has been about 9 months.
whenever i come home to the midwest from school in the west coast, i always have this sense that i need to talk to him somehow, but i would have no idea what to say, and frankly i think he hates me but i can't say for sure, but the fact i have this between me and a brother of christ bothers me alot, and i don't even know how to really contact him.
it is also annoying because the church split up was so bad, all my friends left, and now whenever i go home i have no church to go to, no friends to hang out with, and i am home after 3 months in japan, with 4 weeks ahead of me with no one to fellowship with...
any suggestions for what i can do? should i just let this entire situation go, or should i confront it? i am not sure
it is kinda a long story, but i will try to keep it brief
ok... i was in a high school youth group when the youth paster suddenly announced that he was leaving for a different ministy, and we supported him, and he left.
after a year of searching, one of the leaders was finally appointed as the new youth leader, and it was exciting, unitl he merged the high school and jr. high/ middle school kids and started focusing on the jr. high, while ignoring the spiritual needs of the high schoolers. by the time this was complete, there were only 5 high schoolers left at this church, and i was one of them. i felt trapped there because i didn't want to leave the church i had grown to love.
so i decided to ignore my own spiritual needs, and serve the younger kids instead, but as i already discussed my dissapointment with the youth program with his wife, i could sense that the youth paster resented me. i would offer to help with slideshows and helping with retreats and such but he would say "yeah sure" but he would never take me up on it, and his wife would end up doing the work. i felt unwanted by him, but the few high school friends who were left (after discussion) who felt the same call to serve instead of be served were my dearest friends, and i couldn't leave them.
Fast forward 3 years, after have gone through depression and growth overcoming it, i have just finished high school, and things seem to be left on a good note after he willing gave very good letters of recommendation to college
but when i came back for winter break, it turned out he had left with the new senior pastor (who was later caught in a prostitution ring) who was creating a new church a few miles away, effectively splitting the church into two, with many others leaving both churches.
but i went to the different youth group he had now led, so that i could see familiar faces. i also needed a pastoral recommendation to do a study abroad program to Japan
he said he was willing, and then i didn't hear from him again until 4 months later. after call after call trying to contact him, he never picked up the phone.
so i sent an email to him and one of the old elders, as well as my dad and another dear family friend, explaining if anyone would be willing to fill out this pastoral recommendation, but i, admittedly, said, "because (this youth pastor) won't do it, i am asking you to help me" and it was kind rude, but i was under enormous pressure taking 18 credit hours, finals, and the deadline for the study abroad application looming above my head.
then he finally sent me an email explaining his sadness and resentment for being my youth pastor, because i was "in the way" and that i never accepted his leadership, as well he would regrettably give a recommendation if he had to. the email was long, and when i got it i felt so guilty and so terrible at the end of it i couldn't stop crying for an hour (it was an hour before class, i only had that long to grieve)
i wrote him a long email back, expressing my apology, my reasons, as well as explaining myself on how through many times in his youth group i had depression, couldn't see clearly, and the fact that he seemed to care more for jr. highers had hurt me, but that i didn't blame him, and i begged his forgiveness.
and i have not heard anything from him since. it has been about 9 months.
whenever i come home to the midwest from school in the west coast, i always have this sense that i need to talk to him somehow, but i would have no idea what to say, and frankly i think he hates me but i can't say for sure, but the fact i have this between me and a brother of christ bothers me alot, and i don't even know how to really contact him.
it is also annoying because the church split up was so bad, all my friends left, and now whenever i go home i have no church to go to, no friends to hang out with, and i am home after 3 months in japan, with 4 weeks ahead of me with no one to fellowship with...
any suggestions for what i can do? should i just let this entire situation go, or should i confront it? i am not sure