Church advice needed

[Sharp]

Hi everyone. I'm looking for some advice as to whether or not I should look for a new church.

My problem is this:

The church I attend has excellent doctrine and worship, but I just can't make friends.

I'm a pretty terrible conversationalist at the best of times, but in this case, I don't have anything in common with the people there. There's a cultural difference too as I'm the only white guy there. Everyone else knows eachother or are related to eachother. I'm pretty shy so I don't often approach people after the service. I feel like people take turns in talking to me, like they're not really interested in getting to know me, but they feel obligated to talk to the lonely guy. People are friendly but I feel like I will always have an outsider status.

Everyone seems to be talking to someone after the service except for me. Whenever this happens, I just leave. I'm a bit discouraged at the moment. I just don't see myself being integrated into the church. I've been going for about 6 months, which is the longest I've ever attended I church. I like everything about it, except I just don't feel like I belong there. The problem could well be with me and the fact that I am just quiet.

What should I do - any ideas?

 

[mrpower]

Hey man,
Doctrine and Worship are key.
But so is fellowship. Gotta be able to be built up by those around us.
The church I go to now, which I only started going to about 6 months ago, took me about that long to actually meet people I clicked with. Was literally only last sunday when I was chatting with some guys that noticed the book I was reading at a table whilst i was drinking my tea after the serivce. We started chatting about other authurs and then video games and other activities we mutually enjoyed doing.
Dont get me wrong. the whole congregation are all lovely people.. but like yourself, I just didnt click with most of the poeple there. Now there's a few people I can talk to after church that I actually have more in common with than just going to the same church.
Took a while. But as always man, have a pray that God will either bring the right friends to you.
And remember, it's not a sin to go and check out other churches. If you still wanted to go to your church, you could visit others during their night services?
God bless man, hope your find that special congregation and some awesome friends... even if they are female. Heh heh, You heard me ... but we wont get into that

 

[Sharp]

Thanks mate. So how long would you stick around in your church, if you don't end up making any serious friendships, even if the doctrine and worship are spot on in your opinion?

 

[mrpower]

How long Id stick around at church with no serious friends..? Im pretty good at surviving alone.. and to tell you the truth.. I often prefer my own company and that of a book, rather than others.
But if I feel lonely I still seek out my friends or family outside of church, so... as for how long. I wouldnt wait till your so lonely it's an issue, or it might make making friends at any new church you go to more difficult.
But I dont see any reason why you can't look around whenever you want. Fellowship is not the smallest 1/3 of your experience. Id say fellowship fits right up there with doctrine and worship for the average person.. more so if your lonely.
God bless Mr Sharp - D

 

[Sharp]

So what do you do at the end of the service if no-one is talking to you?

I can only survive in that situation for so long, until I can't take it anymore and head straight for my car. I just can't stand there by myself, I feel like I'm going to explode.

 

[mrpower]

I dont travel anywhere I might need to sit somewhere for a while without taking a book. I love my reading and it helps me in situations where I might have to spend sometime amongst people, alone.
Truthfully though.. i find reading a book attracts more people than not.. people just see me reading a book they come up and sit and chill... almost to distrupt my reading! punks!... lol, but seriously.. something Ive noticed of the average person in general.. doesnt matter whether they're christian or not. the average person would rather be in a comfortable situation than uncomfortable. so if they see someone looking obviously uncomfortable they would prefer not to join that situation. But they see me reading a book and they can join the situation without more than a "so, what book you reading?" or (jokingly) "your being antisocial arent you "
I know this doesnt sound very Christian.. and sure, there are more Christians than non that will prove that rule wrong... but yeah.
If you're not getting your fellowship from that church mate, check some others out.
Importantly, if you've got a friend you can go with, someone that can ease the tension of the situation, even just they're just a non-christian friend that's willing to do you a favor. People seem to be more receptive to the idea of chatting with strangers when they're in a group. Who knows.. your friends favour to you might bring them to Christ as well
God bless man - D

 

[Sharp]

That's a very good idea Mrpower, about reading a book. It actually reminds me of a few times where I've been reading a few bible verses after the service, and people have interrupted me to say hello.

I think you're right - people stay away from people who look uncomfortable. That's my temporary goal now - to look chilled out.

 

[ChristianGuru]

Hi everyone. I'm looking for some advice as to whether or not I should look for a new church.

My problem is this:

The church I attend has excellent doctrine and worship, but I just can't make friends.

I'm a pretty terrible conversationalist at the best of times, but in this case, I don't have anything in common with the people there. There's a cultural difference too as I'm the only white guy there. Everyone else knows eachother or are related to eachother. I'm pretty shy so I don't often approach people after the service. I feel like people take turns in talking to me, like they're not really interested in getting to know me, but they feel obligated to talk to the lonely guy. People are friendly but I feel like I will always have an outsider status.

Everyone seems to be talking to someone after the service except for me. Whenever this happens, I just leave. I'm a bit discouraged at the moment. I just don't see myself being integrated into the church. I've been going for about 6 months, which is the longest I've ever attended I church. I like everything about it, except I just don't feel like I belong there. The problem could well be with me and the fact that I am just quiet.

What should I do - any ideas?

all right. Find a new church I say. Never make the mistake of blaming yourself for the lack of social interactions. If you don't fit, it's not because their is something wrong with you. I once made the mistake of blaming myself. You're trying to put your best foot forward and it's not working to your satisifaction. You can find worship and doctrine in every church, you can't find great friends at all of them. Go where you feel good at.

 

[Sharp]

all right. Find a new church I say. Never make the mistake of blaming yourself for the lack of social interactions. If you don't fit, it's not because their is something wrong with you. I once made the mistake of blaming myself. You're trying to put your best foot forward and it's not working to your satisifaction. You can find worship and doctrine in every church, you can't find great friends at all of them. Go where you feel good at.

I hate to sound like a pathetic complainer, but I've never really fit in at a church. How do I know that it's not me that's the problem, rather than the churches I've gone to.

 

[ChristianGuru]

I hate to sound like a pathetic complainer, but I've never really fit in at a church. How do I know that it's not me that's the problem, rather than the churches I've gone to.

If you fit in to your family, school, work or at least one of the three... and don't fit in at church, any church... I wouldn't worry too hard. It's not uncommon. A lot of churches have their social particularity. I wouldn't tear yourself down over it.

In high school, I was a star athlete, had my name in the paper and helped win my a team a title, while being recruited to 15 division III colleges. I would go to church and all of that was lost on everybody there. My reputation at church had to start from scratch.
Note: This church... was in the same town... as my high school.

 

[Dread_Zeppelin]

Sharp its incredible how simular our situations are. This is what I believe:

I think you can't be truely happy and get your full potential at a church unless you are comfortable in it and the people around you. You should go church seeking in your area around you or, to suppliment the lack of fellowship, find a small group to fill that social void and stay where you are. I know what you mean about spontaneously combusting from awkwardness after a service has ended (not your words exactly).
Its. Not. Your. Fault.

Christians are the hardest people to befriend. My best friend is a half-asian, outgoing, incrediblely gorgeous goddess of a woman and the words out of her mouth rang louder than God's own booming voice in my ears: "I dont understand this. (she said while we were both at a christian retreat of 100 20-25 year olds). Why can't I make friends with these (Christian) people? I never have a problem making friends." It was like the shakles of anti-social bondage slipped off my ancles. If this girl couldn't make friends there I was doomed to begin with. Not my fault.

Church has become more of a "I got God, I want more God, I'll say hello to Andrew and go back home to watch the game with my real friends."
Absolutely no personallity or motivation to step outside their little worlds. That's the problem. What little motivation they do have is spent either saying hello and lets face it, not many people go out of their way to make friends anymore. Certainly poses a problem for those of us that want Christian friends- thats why you go to a small group (their mindset is more friend-based). I'm sure you know small group has their own problems but hey, we'll just say that you can't sterotype everything and you have to keep on trying.

 

[MahogonySnail]

I was in your situation once. I stayed for a year. Advise to get to know other loners you see standing around with no one to talk to. Strike up conversation with them. But I tried that for a while, it didnt work because they too left. When all the loners I'd befriended left, I decided to leave myself. They obviously saw something I always knew, the church just wasn't that welcoming. You do sometimes have to get involved in their programs, small groups whatever , and just have fun, until you become part of the furniture and they get used to you. At the other end of the scale, theres another church where theres one person who just strikes up conversation with you and yaps and yaps and yaps on and on with you and no one else.

 

[MahogonySnail]

I should add, I didn't regret leaving that church. Particularly since no one called me to ask how I was or where I was, not the youth pastor or anyone. They had all my details. I went to the small groups. I got involved. They knew me. Put me off that denomination for life actually.

 

[Blueberry]

Hi...Im not sure at my age if I can post in here, lol. I just wanted to say, wow! I thought I was the only one who ever stood at the back of church and felt awkward and embarrassed to have no-one talking to me. Im so shy. I hate walking up to people and just initiating a chat. I haven't been in church for a while now. I left because I couldnt take the loneliness of it all. I am however involved in a women's group and a bible study group. I can cope with that, because its a small group of people and I can slowly get to know them. Im so shocked that there are others out there who felt the same way I did. I dont feel so odd anymore. Then again, I am quite the loner and I have a strange personality where I don't click with people straight away. meh.

 

[Sharp]

I should add, I didn't regret leaving that church. Particularly since no one called me to ask how I was or where I was, not the youth pastor or anyone. They had all my details. I went to the small groups. I got involved. They knew me. Put me off that denomination for life actually.

Snail, was this the mighty church of england?

 

[Sharp]

Sharp its incredible how simular our situations are. This is what I believe:

I think you can't be truely happy and get your full potential at a church unless you are comfortable in it and the people around you. You should go church seeking in your area around you or, to suppliment the lack of fellowship, find a small group to fill that social void and stay where you are. I know what you mean about spontaneously combusting from awkwardness after a service has ended (not your words exactly).
Its. Not. Your. Fault.

Christians are the hardest people to befriend. My best friend is a half-asian, outgoing, incrediblely gorgeous goddess of a woman and the words out of her mouth rang louder than God's own booming voice in my ears: "I dont understand this. (she said while we were both at a christian retreat of 100 20-25 year olds). Why can't I make friends with these (Christian) people? I never have a problem making friends." It was like the shakles of anti-social bondage slipped off my ancles. If this girl couldn't make friends there I was doomed to begin with. Not my fault.

Church has become more of a "I got God, I want more God, I'll say hello to Andrew and go back home to watch the game with my real friends."
Absolutely no personallity or motivation to step outside their little worlds. That's the problem. What little motivation they do have is spent either saying hello and lets face it, not many people go out of their way to make friends anymore. Certainly poses a problem for those of us that want Christian friends- thats why you go to a small group (their mindset is more friend-based). I'm sure you know small group has their own problems but hey, we'll just say that you can't sterotype everything and you have to keep on trying.

Dread you're right! Christians are hard to socialise with sometimes!

Maybe you're too good looking too make friends with them - especially if you're hanging around with half asian supermodels. You know what Christian guys are like - they're probably too shy to even look at you. The girls probably see you as a threat or maybe they're scared because they think they're not cool enough to talk to you.

I spontaneously combusted again today, but, maybe it takes years to feel comfortable. I didn't feel completely comfortable at university or work after 6 months, but I kept going because I had to. After a few years I felt alright. Maybe church is the same, and maybe I need to just keep forcing myself to not worry about whether I socialise or not.

 

[Sharp]

Hi...Im not sure at my age if I can post in here, lol. I just wanted to say, wow! I thought I was the only one who ever stood at the back of church and felt awkward and embarrassed to have no-one talking to me. Im so shy. I hate walking up to people and just initiating a chat. I haven't been in church for a while now. I left because I couldnt take the loneliness of it all. I am however involved in a women's group and a bible study group. I can cope with that, because its a small group of people and I can slowly get to know them. Im so shocked that there are others out there who felt the same way I did. I dont feel so odd anymore. Then again, I am quite the loner and I have a strange personality where I don't click with people straight away. meh.

Yes I imagine there are plenty of others like us in this situation. Most of them are probably on CC.

 

[Servanthood]

Sharp Imma give it to you real as possible. This is the truth I believe, and it may hurt a bit, are you ready?
WHERE DOES GOD want you to be? the answer is pretty plain and simple. Whereever God wants you to be, that's where you should be. IT IS NOT about being comfortable, NOT about making friends, NOT about YOURSELF ( me me me me me).

IT IS about JESUS, IT IS about where GOD puts you, IT IS about where GOD wants you. Sometimes GOD will put you in situations where you HAVE to go through the fire. Because in the fire, you will be refined, and being refined means, you will become a stronger warrior for Jesus. More on fire, close to GOD, and GOD being able to use you in a level like never before. BUT many Christians DON'T stick where GOD had call them to be.

THEY jump around like grasshoppers just looking for the church "they think is right for them." IT ISN'T about what you think, it's about WHAT GOD SAYS. Now, that being said, if you don't know where God wants you to be, here's my advice, STAY where YOU exactly WHERE you are and DON'T move. BE STILL. And in your STILLness(cool word huh? =D), pray.. and ask the Lord where He wants you. Wait it out, wait for God's answer.

And God will direct you from there. But be patient. Stay where you are until you found out where God wants you to be. DON'T second guess it, don't feel it, God will make it plain and simple and show you DIRECTLY. He isn't going to make you second guess where He wants you. He will show you and tell you. So if you don't know, stay where you are until you know.

 

[Sharp]

Thanks man, that's good advice.