Crazy parents

[Rush]

Hi LittleBit1987,

I have a sister who is bi-polar. It is very challenging but don't give up. It may be that you cannot live in the same space as one another for a while. But do some reading on what the disorder is all about. It really helped me to understand that her brain chemistry can so drastically fluctuate in ways that go beyond the scope of what you or I would consider to be normal, thus altering her perception of the world and actions therein.
Although education didn't make it easier to live with, it helps me be more compassionate knowing; but most importantly, that compassion helps me to not to get hard towards her when she's super hard work and keep praying for her.

It's not easy, Sister. But keep praying for her. Never discount your prayers, even if you can't see any tangible results.
God bless and much brotherly love in Christ.

 

[fallingdeep]

LittleBit:

It's scary how much I feel for you in this. My biodad was secretly dealing drugs for most of my life. He was very verbally abusive and when I was 15 he finally got locked up and I haven't spoken to him since. (We've attempted contact a couple of times via email but he's still very manipulative and emotionally abusive so I've ignored his advances.)

My mom, on the other hand, never wanted children. My two brothers and I were ALL birth control babies (I'd like to think of us as God's miracles... Haha!) and my mom had no idea how to be a mom.

She did well when we were young, then when my dad went to prison she flipped a switch and stopped mothering us altogether. (Which was weird!) At 18 we had to move out on our own (no exceptions) and she was always our friend but never a parent.

Fast forward to now, and the relationship with my mother is the most confusing part of my life. I'm realizing more and more now unlike my friends' parents she is. She's not intentionally abusive but menopausal and at times very mean. She'll make hurtful comments about how we were "never wanted" as a "friendly joke" but when it comes from your mom it stings a little more. Plus she bashes my brothers' and my life choices (well, praises one of my brothers, belittles me and my younger). I KNOW she loves us and doesn't mean the things that come out of her mouth but it's a very difficult relationship.

The way I've adjusted is this: I have SOME distance from my mom... I only do things she wants to do (if she's happy/not complaining, she tends to not blame me), I keep my trap shut when she's being mean and when I cool down/think it through I will confront her on the things that I feel REALLY matter. If they're not that important (even if they sting) I forgive and forget. I choose to look at my relationship with my mom as a friend. It's easier that way. When I look at her as a parent and realize how non-parental she is, it hurts. I have other women in my life who I see as mothers (and who I will shadow myself after when I have kids). I let my mom know I love her all the time, but we're not lovey dovey. We don't hug. We don't have deep, meaningful conversations. When I just need "mom" I'll spend time with her, but usually get what I need through prayer and encounters with the Godly women in my life.

I do go to church with my mom on occasion (when she'll go!) and I love that. She tends to loosen up a bit and open up to God's love, which is safer when it comes at me, even just for a little while.

I suggest surrounding yourself in women you respect and allowing them to guide you. (The lack of guidance is the hardest part in not having a real mom relationship.) And if you're able, accept your mom as a friend. It's much easier to deal with a friend's belittlement than a mother's. *shrugs*

I'm sorry this stinks! I'll pray for you and your mom's relationship!

 

[Loveneverfails]

Your mom sounds much like my mom. The comments regarding menopause/thyroid issues/bipolar issues were interesting because I hadn't thought about those possibilities before, and my mother is the same age as yours. Something for me to look into, I guess.

I still live at home since I attend college near my house, so I deal with these crazy mood swings on a regular basis. My prayer has become "Lord, help me to love her the way you love me". Undeserved love. Loving the unlovely. Christ loves me despite my wretched state, despite my imperfections and my times of disloyalty. I do keep my mom at a bit of a distance to protect myself, and I have to constantly remind myself to not take her words personally (this is SO hard to do), but in my every interaction with her, I do my best to express love because I believe that is what God wants from me. I have learned so much about patience and self-control through my relationship with her, and I know more than ever that without the strength and example of Christ, I am helpless and unable to do any of this.

You definitely seem to be on the right track. Good for you, showing love to her despite how rough things are. Praying for you.

 

[LittleBit1987]

Since I wrote this... I haven't talked to my mother at all, not even attempted. It is so sad, that I don't want anything to do with my mother anymore, and I'm sure the next time I talk/see her... will be in front of the judge about my parents issues and not my own.

Once upon a time- my mom was my BEST friend... she was my everything when I was growing up, she had brain washed me into believing my dad was this horrible person, and now that I'm older, and more mature...I actually see who the real evil and horrible person is. To an extent, I do still love my mom, I guess a part of me always will cause knowing she IS my MOM. But... It's hard to even talk to her anymore. I cant have a decent conversation over the phone without us getting into some kind of argument over something stupid and silly. I don't believe in regrets...honestly I don't but if there was ONE thing I would change about my wedding day, is that I wouldn't have my mom in some of my pictures. Cause you can actually tell she was just putting on a show for everyone. She doesn't look genuinely "Happy" for me. She has the fake smile on and I just noticed it here a few months ago.

It's heartbreaking- it really is... That I would think of my mom like this, but I do have the most loving and caring Mother-in-law ever! She has been there for me through everything, and I think of her as if she were my birth mom. So, If my own mother doesn't want anything to do with me anymore, I still have my great mother-in-law... and the older women I look up too at church, that are always there for me when I need a shoulder to cry on, or need some prayers. It's tough living without having my own mother figure around, but... what does't kill me makes me stronger right? At least that's how I look at this...

Thank you again ladies for your kinds words and encouragement, I will try and keep praying for my mom, I just hope things get better for me and her before something terrible happens to her.