Girlfriend needs a "Break"

[bcllcb]

~~Mods, I posted this first in the Christian Singles forum, i thought this was a better place for it. Remove the orignial if you would like~~

Where do I start on this? Please forgive me for the length of this...

I have been dating this girl for over 9 months, we are both Christians, we met at Church and serve together there. Things at our church have always been hard though, and we really haven't been growing there, I think that it has hampered our relationship for a long time. Before I starting dating her, I was interested in another girl, lets call her girl A (that didnt like me) and she liked me at that point (i thought she was fun, but wasnt interested in her in that way.) Well after lots of prayer and long convos, I ended up dating my gf. However throughout our entire relationship, my gf didnt trust me around girl A who also goes to our church. In fact, she always had trust issues and didn't want me to really even talk to girls from my work. I thought all this was normal as she is my first real gf (i am in my mid 20s).

Things were going fine for a while, we never had major problems in our relationship. And I really do Love her. She is the first girl I kissed and the first girl I ever said "I love you" to. We had fun together most the time, and when things were hard we tried to resolve it in prayer and by communication.

Then, a few months ago things started getting rough. Lust became a problem in our relationship, and thank God we didn't have sex, it is only by his grace that we resisted that temptation. She became more short tempered with me and we were not having as much fun anymore. I thought of it as just a lull in our relationship and something we would get through...

Another thing you should know is that I have been a Christian all my life, she has not and she was taken advantage of by a previous BF and abused by another. She has a lot of baggage in her life and has been through counseling for some of it.

Then about 2 weeks ago I find out that she is having trouble because she has more fun with a guy from work than she has with me, and she doesn't understand why. He is not a Christian and has been to jail and is over 10 years older than her. She says that she so confused with her life and doesn't know if she is a Christian or not anymore. I prayed with her and tried to talk her down but she said she just needed a break to figure herself out. The day after she said that, I found out (from her telling me) that she watched a movie with him and he tried to kiss her. She put herself in that position and she has ran errends for her job with him since.

Now, I know this guy is not her only issue, she has baggage from previously in her life and I was willing to work with her though that. We were talking about "taking the next step" in our relationship when everything turned bad.

Now I have been praying and praying about this as we have had little contact for 2 weeks (she is on a family vacation). I don't want to lose her as a girlfriend but it will be hard for me to gain her trust back. I also still do Love her. I don't know if i love her as a sister in Christ now, or if I love her as a companion. I don't want to break things off with her for good and have this guy ending up hurting her more. It's such a hard situation and we are supposed to talk in a few days when she returns from vacation. Please advise with any thoughts on this. I have asked other friends about this and family and have various ideas.

Thanks to you who have actually read this whole thing. I will provide any more info if you need.

 

[BellaFlor]

My first thought that came to mind since reading about this other older man, is how her earthly father relationship was? For many ladies that never had a good fatherly figure, nor that never got the attention and love from their fathers, they easily run around with men that doesn't always treat them good, but also they do this to try finding some attention and love from them that they didn't get from their father. Might not be in this case, still, it seems like whole her past baggage might still being a struggle for her. The trust issues she has with you might also be 'cause of everything else she went through in her earlier life as well.

You seem like a very good guy, perhaps you are the first guy that really respects her and also want to keep the sex boundaries tight? It is very understandable that she might see all guys being the same like the others she had before, those who took advantage on her and abused her. But at the same time she needs to get moving on, and learning that not all guys are the same. You might be a given blessing to her that she might not fully see yet, maybe because of her bad past experiences, fears and doubts?

Also the fact that she suddenly now have been developing feelings for an older man, it is very easy getting the feelings running once one feels charmed and getting some loving attention by someone else, we all can sometimes feel flattered by someone else other than our girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse, but it is up to us to also take some control over our own feelings. Feelings aren't always telling us the truth. I understand she feels very confused. This also depends a lot how her past life has been too, I think, many times it has a lot with how she raised up as a child, how her parents were with her, etc... So going more to counselling might be still good for her, though I think it would be best going to Christian Counselling. That way the person she talks to can use prayer, and also maybe get things from God and also getting revealed things from her life that she might need to know. I went to one Christian Counsellor that the Holy Spirit revealed things for Him that I needed to hear, before going there, I was only feeling very confused about many things.

I understand your pain, though the best you can do is like you said earlier; Praying, but also be patient with her. Continue being a good friend to her, care for her, love her.... You never know if she never was much loved, perhaps this is something she still is searching for? Now, only God can fully fill her up with the love she might still lack. And only He can heal her more as well. It is very sad about your church as well, and though the church isn't working like it should, you can be her "Jesus Example". You know how it really is having a relationship with God, she might still be searching. Also pray for God's Will to be happening in this, pray for protection over her, pray for His wisdom, etc... Keep on holding tight unto God no matter what might happen.

-God Bless You-

 

[grace]

My thoughts are this: Sometimes in dating relationships things happen and you have to evaluate if those things are *red flags* or *growing pains*.

Of course I do not have all the information...but from what you have described...these sound like red flags, and you should NOT ignore them.

One thing you mentioned is that she has some jealous tendancies and does not feel confident wiith you talking with other women, even in your work place, where at times you may need to. BUT, yet, she has done that at her job. Not a healthy double standard. (not that any double standard is healthy)

Also, yes, we all do have a past....but a person that has a healthy relationship with the Lord and healing from those things from their past will not present them in their life as baggage but as stepping stones. If it looks like baggage, then it is more than likely baggage. Stepping stones will look more like someone that has presented the bad from their life to God to work out for His plan, and they have moved on and healed. Sure memories will still be there...but that is much different from baggage.

I know how it is to be in a relationship with someone and care about them so deeply that you are willing to *help* them through whatever they are going through (past or present).
You have to think of the qualities you really want in a woman, things that you will NOT compromise on and then not settle for less than that.

Your assesment about trust is correct.....continueing on with a relationship with her and being able to fully trust her will take time...if it ever happens at all.

She did place herself in situations that did not show the character of a woman honoring God through your relationship.

The last person I dated hurt me so deeply through some of his actions that I thought the hurt would not go away...but I can tell you that time does help. And surrender. Scripture says, to pray without ceasing.

One last thought to leave you with.....you are to be the leader in the relationship....based off what you have said here in your post, I think you should be the one to end things, and be honest as to why you are. If you two are meant to be together then pray about it fully and without selfish motives.

Best to you...I know matters of the heart can be so complicated sometimes.

 

[bcllcb]

Thank you for both of you that have responded thus far. I really appreciate the words of wisdom. Its so easy for me to think that the timing that she came into my life was perfect, and I had this idea that it was Gods plan for me to be with her forever. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't, but I have to trust God that if this doesn't work out, as hard as it is, he still has a plan for me.

Someone had asked the question about her relationship with her family/father. From what I have heard they have always got along fine, never had any real issues. But the hardest thing in her relationship with her family is that they are not believers and they don't really support her in her faith. So that makes this time all the more confusing.

I know that I have to step up and talk to her about what she is thinking. She is coming back in a few days and when we talk I will have to see that she is making steps to fix some issues that she is going through and that she is committed to this relationship. If she is still "confused" and "a mess", as hard as it will be I will have to tell her that we need to make this break a permanent thing. I pray that if it comes to that, that she will find herself and not be too hurt in the process. It tears me apart inside to think that the girl that I saw myself with the rest of my life may be taken advantage of and hurt again. Yes, jealousy is a part of it, I don't want to see her with someone else, but it hurts all the more that I know this is not a good situation that she is putting herself in.

I do still love her, even though she hurt me. It would take a while to heal some wounds, but I am committed to working on it. If she isn't committed to the same thing, how do I stay in her life and support her as a friend without me getting more hurt?