Kelsitree, I think we understand your feelings all too well. One thing is for sure- you are definitely not alone. Personally, I think there is this weird unspoken 'growth period' all women endure at different stages of life. I've experienced the same issues numerous times. At first, I was terrified of the thoughts I had; they weren't suicidal or anything, just incredibly empty.
Bleak.
Overwhelming.
Like I was floating around in some sort of all-consuming void. I didn't know what I was working toward anymore or what my purpose was, other than going to a 9-5 job and paying bills. Thinking I had reached my limit, my fullest potential at 23 was completely depressing. I had never felt that way before and definitely with not such intensity. I buried those thoughts deep within me but no matter how hard I tried, they were always there.
First, recognizing those feelings is the best thing you can do. Embrace them. Try to understand them. Do not be afraid. They are not more powerful than you, even if it seems that way. The reason those intense feelings are similar to an emotional rollercoaster is because you do not have control over them and you're just allowing your thoughts/fears come and go as they please.
Just like going to the gym to work out, eventually your muscles get stronger, correct? Well, now it's time to give your brain a workout, and start strengthening that muscle to control unwanted thoughts. Dealing with depression can be absolutely terrifying. Recognizing when you have it and trying to fix it, that is just as difficult. This is the advice I have for you.
1. Don't be shy to admit you are struggling with depression. Going to a doctor to confirm your thoughts could provide peace of mind as well... if you're into that type of thing. (I avoid doctors whenever I can. I guess it's the mountain woman in me, but I digress.) However for you, reaching out and getting advice from a professional who diagnoses this type of thing all the time may be beneficial. Your perspective will change.
Instead of tackling this big scary unknown monster, it’s reduced to a name on a sheet of paper with steps to overcome it. You have to pick the best option for you, whatever that may be.
2. Talk to someone every single time you are feeling overwhelmed. Try to pin point the specific reason you feel anxious at that moment. Is it money? Lack of goals? Friends? A combination of things? Once you know
why you're overwhelmed, you can start making a list of steps as to how to fix it, and ease that anxiety. As a result, it doesn't appear as out of control anymore. You can wrangle the issue, put it in a box, examine it, and take steps to eliminate it. Make small goals. Goals that are reachable and help you feel like you're progressing.
3. Find a good support system. Do not surround yourself with others who do not understand how you're feeling or brush you off. If you don't have that, see a therapist. You may have to visit a few before you find one that works for you. If you don't have healthcare, there are many who will see you on a sliding scale and set up payments.
4. Now is the time to explore new hobbies. Pick up things that you used to love and inspire you. If you don't have anything like that, try new things. Take a pottery class. Go rock climbing. Try yoga. Go to the library and read a book. For me, this was most difficult because I was very introverted. The world is great, full of new experiences and people. Don't spend all of your time inside, doing nothing. That's when your mind will start to wander. First you'll do these things to keep your mind busy, but before long you'll see how much better you feel.
5. Pray. Ask others to pray for you, with you. Read the word and talk to God when you have those thoughts. Ask for relief. Ask for peace in your mind and in your heart. Ask him to remove any thoughts that are not of him. God will do it. Ask for his guidance in all things, and he will show you what path you need to take.
6. Okay, last one.
Do not be hard on yourself. I can't say that enough. Don't get frustrated if you try one or all of these things and they don't work. Don't freak out if you are doing these things and you feel
worse. It's going to be a struggle. It will be trial and error, and just because these things worked for me, does not mean they will work for you. Take your time. Take a breath. Realize it is not a race. This is an experience that you will grow from, and it will make you strong both mentally and spiritually. You can't see that light now, but you will. Those highs and lows will lessen. You will find purpose. This will not last forever. Remember, one day at a time.
Just one day at a time.
Not tomorrow.
Not three weeks from now.
Today, only.
How can you be productive today?
How can we accomplish something today?
How can we feel happy today?
It could be something as simple as getting that really tasty Double shot Mocha Frap from Starbucks.
Or maybe calling an old friend.
Don't put so much pressure on yourself. You're human. You have flaws. You're definitely not going to be happy all the time, and that is completely, totally okay. Take your time and move at your own pace. Love yourself, be understanding. Sometimes we can want things, but our minds and hearts just aren't capable and we get frustrated. Now is the time for you, what you want, and your mental health. Getting to know yourself, understanding who you are, and loving that person no matter what.
Depression is the most difficult thing I have ever overcome. I cried, screamed, ran away from it, clawed my way out, and sometimes grabbed a shovel and dug a deeper hole. I wouldn't change that struggle though. I know more limits and boundaries of my personality now than I ever did. Despite obstacles, humans are resilient. You are much stronger than you think you are; you just don't realize it yet.
Hope this helps. xx
