SIngle Parent surrogacy

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SHANECOY

New member
Jan 13, 2019
9
5
3
#1
What do my brothers and sisters in here think of Single men becoming fathers through surrogacy? Do you guys feel like there is anything wrong with it? What about christian men who contemplate having a child through this process who cant find someone to marry and settle down with?Can single fathers make up for the love and support that is unique to mothers?What are your thoughts?
 

Demi777

Senior Member
Oct 13, 2014
6,535
1,474
113
Germany
#2
What do my brothers and sisters in here think of Single men becoming fathers through surrogacy? Do you guys feel like there is anything wrong with it? What about christian men who contemplate having a child through this process who cant find someone to marry and settle down with?Can single fathers make up for the love and support that is unique to mothers?What are your thoughts?
S child needs a father and a mother regardless. No man or woman can make up for that missing part.
Its simply selfish out of the craving for the child. Why not adopt a child that is already lonely
 

TM19782017

Active member
Dec 15, 2018
238
145
43
#3
What is leading you to choose such a road?

Bad previous relationships?
Dry spell?

Is being a father without the mother your vision of total happiness?

How old are you?
 

Subhumanoidal

Well-known member
Sep 17, 2018
1,389
1,185
113
#4
What do my brothers and sisters in here think of Single men becoming fathers through surrogacy? Do you guys feel like there is anything wrong with it? What about christian men who contemplate having a child through this process who cant find someone to marry and settle down with?Can single fathers make up for the love and support that is unique to mothers?What are your thoughts?
It's long been proven that children do best with a mother and a father. There are traits common to each which the child needs to experience. 100% guarantee you cannot fulfill the role of a wan.

Also I'm 100% sure you are Greatly underestimating the difficulty in being a single parent. I've known many in my life and it's a constant struggle. There are No breaks, no real free time. You don't get to stop.
Usually they are torn about having to work then going home and putting their kids to bed, and not getting to ever spend time with them. And when the kids are around they're so busy doing laundry, washing dishes, cleaning the house, etc... they can't sit and do anything with their kids.
Not to mention financial troubles, health troubles, impacts on your job, etc...

I don't mean this as an insult, but a statement of fact, it is a selfish motive to consider having a child in the manner you've brought up.
You may think that having a kid will fill some sort of hole in your life, but that neediness has blinded you to reality. Single parenthood is often brutal.
Many time the parent will be constantly frustrated with their kids, yet feel guilty for it at the same time. And this is a perpetual feeling because one person can't do everything because it requires a healthy balance.

Lastly single parents usually can't handle the discipline side of things. They are often so worn out they ignore or allow things the kids do wrong. Or use the tv/internet as a means to keep the kids occupied so the kid grows up with his face in a screen all the time (proven to be mentally unhealthy).

There may be a few who handle it well but most struggle. I would find it unfair to put a child through that for your own neediness, especially since it won't work how you think.
 

misskayanne

Junior Member
May 18, 2017
35
54
18
#5
It's long been proven that children do best with a mother and a father. There are traits common to each which the child needs to experience. 100% guarantee you cannot fulfill the role of a wan.

Also I'm 100% sure you are Greatly underestimating the difficulty in being a single parent. I've known many in my life and it's a constant struggle. There are No breaks, no real free time. You don't get to stop.
Usually they are torn about having to work then going home and putting their kids to bed, and not getting to ever spend time with them. And when the kids are around they're so busy doing laundry, washing dishes, cleaning the house, etc... they can't sit and do anything with their kids.
Not to mention financial troubles, health troubles, impacts on your job, etc...

I don't mean this as an insult, but a statement of fact, it is a selfish motive to consider having a child in the manner you've brought up.
You may think that having a kid will fill some sort of hole in your life, but that neediness has blinded you to reality. Single parenthood is often brutal.
Many time the parent will be constantly frustrated with their kids, yet feel guilty for it at the same time. And this is a perpetual feeling because one person can't do everything because it requires a healthy balance.

Lastly single parents usually can't handle the discipline side of things. They are often so worn out they ignore or allow things the kids do wrong. Or use the tv/internet as a means to keep the kids occupied so the kid grows up with his face in a screen all the time (proven to be mentally unhealthy).

There may be a few who handle it well but most struggle. I would find it unfair to put a child through that for your own neediness, especially since it won't work how you think.
Wow. This is so far from being true. I'm a single mom and pretty much none of the issues you've mention apply to me, and I doubt they apply to most single parents in general. In fact, my mom had a friend when she was much younger that got pregnant and ended up being a single mom...she has done amazing for herself and her son (she's in her early 40s now and still single). Her house is ridiculous...a brand new gorgeous house in a beautiful neighborhood (well, brand new when she bought it...she's lived in it for awhile now, and was a home owner long before that as well). Her son has turned out to be a great young man who just finished serving in the Marines and I believe he is now going to college.

I myself do not struggle financially, and I am not even sure what you mean by "health troubles" or "impacts on your job." The General Manager where I work was a single mom most of her career and clearly it didn't affect her any. I also spend a lot of time with my son...people always comment on how cool it is that I do unique things with him. We've been to Disneyland, have gone pomegranate picking, black berry picking, pumpkin patches in the fall, go to the movies, children's museum, flown to North Carolina together twice to visit extended family (and I flew alone with him I might add...when he was 6 months and again when he was 1.5...he's 2 now), go to zoos often, etc. I come home from work and we have dinner together than usually watch a movie together before bed. In the morning we often have some time to play and have breakfast together before heading out for the day.

I also used to be a part of a single moms group at my last church and there was only one mother that seemed to struggle (but she had a rough past that included drug and alcohol abuse, plus she was raising 4 children - one she adopted from her sister who passed away). The other ladies in the group seemed to be doing quite well. Their children were happy and generally well behaved. At least one of them was a home owner as well.

Some of the things you mention are common even in families with two parents. Like using the TV to keep kids occupied. My parents did this sometimes. It wasn't like we sat around and watched TV all day, but if our mom was cleaning or something she'd just put the TV on to keep us busy while she got things done around house. I do this with my son as well. Not really that big of a deal. My son isn't allowed to play with tablets, phones, etc though.

Also, I am not more tired then I was before I had my son. Not much about my life has changed since becoming a single parent, honestly. I was never into parties or going out much anyways, so I'm happy to come to my son every day and spend time with him. Discipline is also not an issue in my home either. I definitely don't ignore bad behavior.

I hear so many talk about the "struggles" of being a single mom and it is so ridiculous. When I was pregnant so many people told me how hard my life was going to be and I was scared senseless. Literally none of the horror stories people talked about ever happened. My life remained pretty much the same, except now I have a beautiful little boy in my life. There was someone though who told me that being a single mom was not hard (she is a close friend of the friend I mentioned above that has a nice house and a son that was in the Marines). She was a single mom at a very young age and she said it was some of the best years of her life.

HOWEVER, this is for OP: I would not recommend intentionally becoming a single parent. Not because it is bad experience, but it is unfair to the child because they do miss out on having both a mom and a dad. I do think it's very important for a child to have both. In all honesty, I do worry about how my son will navigate life as a young man who didn't have a father in his life. I am sure it will have some effect on him. Especially because in my situation, his dad is literally not involved at all. There is no visitation or any interest on his dad's end. We have discussed possible visits when our son is older and can travel (his dad has since married and moved to Colorado), but it's just been talk at this point. Children really do need a mom and a dad, for so many reasons. My only regret is not being able to stay at home with my son.

While I don't have the struggles that some single parents might have, I know my life would be a whole lot better with a partner. For one, I could possibly stay home and raise my son. I could be living in a house instead of an apartment (I hate apartments by the way...it is the one thing about my life that does get me down, because I make decent money, but since child care is $1100/month I can't afford a mortgage - I also live in CA, which is ranked worst state in regards to quality of life and cost of living and am very tempted to move because I know I could probably do a lot better for myself somewhere else, but that's a whole separate issue).

Oh, I also know another single mom that is a home owner, works from home, and is just an all around great mom in every way (she used to babysit my son when he was a baby and he adored her!) and she gave me a solid review of what it's like to be a single parent when I was pregnant...she told me there was only one hard thing about single parenting...loneliness. And that is the truth. I learned that very early on. It sucks when your baby is learning to walk or talk and there is no one around to share the moment with but yourself. My family is close by so luckily they were around for a lot so I had them to share moments with, and if they weren't around I'd call them or send pictures via text, but it's not the same as having your husband/wife there to enjoy those kinds of moments with together.

I dated a single dad last year as well. His daughter's mother was not involved at all, so he was raising his child alone. He is an example of what the poster above me said...he struggles immensely. However, he's also extremely unmotivated to do anything or improve his life. They rent a cute little one bedroom apartment (it's actually a part of someone's house that the owners turned into a separate living area/apartment). His daughter has the bedroom and he sleeps on the couch. He was fired from his minimum wage job like 6 months ago. He gets WIC for his daughter and while he never said so I am pretty sure they receive assistance (even before he lost his job, because he was earning so little). The car he has was given to him generously by someone from his church. His situation is a special case though because he has zero motivation. He is also very depressed. When we dated he had the assumption that if we ever married that he would stay at home with the kids and I'd work...needless to say that relationship definitely did not work out.

I understand exactly where you are coming from though. If I was single with no kids, I'd probably be looking for options to have one on my own too. I've even thought about adopting sometime in the future if I'm still single, because I would like more children. Perhaps you can consider adopting an older child? I think that would be a very honorable and loving thing to do for a child. Or maybe consider fostering?

Sorry for the novel...as a single parent, I get pretty passionate about the subject.
 

Subhumanoidal

Well-known member
Sep 17, 2018
1,389
1,185
113
#6
@misskayanne
I did explicitly say this may not be true for 'all' single parents and that all that i have spoken to have dealt with this. I put that in to avoid people feeling a need to 'correct' me. So an excessive review of how 'wrong' you feel i am was unnecessary and i was purposefully trying to avoid it. So i felt no need to read it all.
As i said, this covers many i have known and are Very Real issues to have to be aware of. Especially for someone wanting to purposefully have a child as a single parent.
 

misskayanne

Junior Member
May 18, 2017
35
54
18
#7
@misskayanne
I did explicitly say this may not be true for 'all' single parents and that all that i have spoken to have dealt with this. I put that in to avoid people feeling a need to 'correct' me. So an excessive review of how 'wrong' you feel i am was unnecessary and i was purposefully trying to avoid it. So i felt no need to read it all.
As i said, this covers many i have known and are Very Real issues to have to be aware of. Especially for someone wanting to purposefully have a child as a single parent.
If you read what I wrote, I did mention two single parents that I know that struggle...but one is truly an idiot and the other used to have an issue with drugs so she's kind of a mess. Anyone capable of being responsible can do it.

I also mentioned that I do not recommend it. But not for the reasons you mentioned.
 

Nessadon

New member
Mar 13, 2019
27
20
3
#8
What do my brothers and sisters in here think of Single men becoming fathers through surrogacy? Do you guys feel like there is anything wrong with it? What about christian men who contemplate having a child through this process who cant find someone to marry and settle down with?Can single fathers make up for the love and support that is unique to mothers?What are your thoughts?
I think anyone who is a single parent will have a lot more struggle to make up for the lack of other parent, at the same time, I understand wanting to have a child in the now. I think what is the most important thing for you to do right now is to step back and let God talk to you. I tend to make decisions from what I want and I dont always take the time to talk to God to see what is his plan for me. I have made so many life changing decisions that I did not talk to God about first, or just didnt have the patience to wait for the answer that have created more of a struggle for me in the end. I think the best way to to be patient and let God talk to you. If this is something he wants for you, he will let you know.