Dear sister...i feel you. You are not alone.
I've been there, for years. Surrounded by many, but not feeling any connection with anyone...not seeming to be able to break into circles...always left out. Made to feel inadequate, unspecial...my list was so damn long. So my response then was, if they don't want or need me, vice versa. I distanced myself even more. I drifted, saying i don't need any friends...that they don't understand me anyway. God was the only one i clinged to...but i couldn't shake the sadness and loneliness. For a long time, i wrestled with it. I resorted to going into relationships, hoping to fill in the emptiness that was there. All of them failed, no wonder since they weren't meant to stand anyway. I was left even more devastated...thought worse about myself. That i maybe deserve to live alone for the rest of my life...many times i contemplated suicide. It would've been so easy for me...i could count the ways. Being a doctor, i knew how to preserve a life, and how to take it fairly quick and easy...
But God, He never gave up on me. He was my anchor. The lover of my soul. He saw me through it all...who am i to say what can and cannot be done to make my life beautiful?
We can be so stubborn sometimes. But thankfully, our God is perfect in every way. There's no way He can fail us in His love for us.
Sister, the first thing you should do is pray. Pray, and earnestly seek Him. Throw away all your cares for a second. Don't let you matter for that moment. Be still. Sometimes we think we are really praying to Him and opening up our hearts to Him completely already. But no. What we usually do is come to Him with this mental list of all our concerns...what we need, what we want, what bothers us, and all that...there's nothing wrong about coming to God with the burdens we have. But prayer is something that should be done right. If we observe the template of how we should pray (The Lord's Prayer), you see that it starts with acknowledging and praising God. It is important to do this to revere our awesome God, and proclaim Him as our Lord and King. But not only that. It actually helps us to focus on Him, and that by itself is a huge thing. When you come to see just how awesome God is, it swallows everything up! All your loneliness, sadness, fears, doubts, frustrations...EVERYTHING. You only know you have been able to come into His presence in prayer when you have been changed by it. I was. Just less than a month ago.
I was at my lowest of lows then, before He spiritually revived me. 8 mos. after being abandoned by a lover, I was cold, desperate, depressed, empty...nothing helps. Not food, nor games, nor being out with loved ones, movies, or books, or whatever....nothing. Everyday was just another dying day for me. I cried every night. I was revived one morning, after God showed me that i need to wake up, because there is so much that needs to be done. He called me to serve. He called me to come to Him. All my cares just disappeared. I prayed unlike ever before. For the first time, not for myself, but for the world bound for destruction, and for His kingdom. And i was changed. More than i was when i first received Him. All my sadness disappeared...all my cares. There was no reason to feel lonely or in despair, 'coz i have seen God. His presence is so sweet, i couldn't get enough of it!
And my soul was on fire, hungry for His Word!
The next thing i did was long for someone to talk to. After so long, i actually craved fellowship with the brethren! I was dying to share what was inside of me. All my shyness and fears of being judged or rejected disappeared! All i wanted was to spread the fire within me. I have been seeing CC when i google for chat, but i never joined before, knowing how cold and messed up i was. But that day, injumped right in. One of my best decisions ever!
To the brethren who don't like seeing a wall text, i'm sorry, but i'm compelled to write and share my testimony. Please do forgive me
When you taste and see God's awesomeness, you just can't silent.
So sister, yes, go out, meet new brethren. No problem with that. But don't expect them to fill what only God can fill. Because there will be times of without...when all you have is yourself, physically. But seek God first before anything else. That is the reason you are going through that season of loneliness. It's not coz you couldn't get into a group. It's not coz you don't go out often. It's not coz you isolate yourself. It's coz you haven't been content with just being with God yet, and trusting Him completely. You haven't fallen in love with Him yet. When you finally do, everything else follows. You will experience joy unlike ever before. God's Word, you will then see as a treasure trove. Everything becomes beautiful in your eyes. You will want for absolutely nothing but God
And it's only right, 'coz He is our all in all. And before you know it, you are surrounded by everything you've ever hoped and dreamed of. He is so awesome with that. Giving you the answer to the cries of your heart at the best possible time. So don't waste the hours and the daysbfeeling sorry for yourself. God is just one prayer away.
Psalm 34-
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34 I will bless the Lord at all times: his praise shall continually be in my mouth.
[SUP]2 [/SUP]My soul shall make her boast in the Lord: the humble shall hear thereof, and be glad.
[SUP]3 [/SUP]O magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt his name together.
[SUP]4 [/SUP]I sought the Lord, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.
[SUP]5 [/SUP]They looked unto him, and were lightened: and their faces were not ashamed.
[SUP]6 [/SUP]This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him, and saved him out of all his troubles.
[SUP]7 [/SUP]The angel of the Lord encampeth round about them that fear him, and delivereth them.
[SUP]8 [/SUP]O taste and see that the Lord is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in him.
[SUP]9 [/SUP]O fear the Lord, ye his saints: for there is no want to them that fear him.
[SUP]10 [/SUP]The young lions do lack, and suffer hunger: but they that seek the Lord shall not want any good thing.
God bless you, and replace your loneliness and despair with unspeakable joy and peace and love in His presence!!!
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