An Unfaithful Wife

[Kenny47]

Please check my introduction to get my brief background.


My wife was unfaithful to me in April 2011.
I was giving her $100 per week and she was sending much of that to the Philippines for her younger sister to learn a skill and be able to find work as a qualified nurse.
I was self employed and I had to pay my own tax and found that, due to some reduction in my work areas, I was finding it difficult to pay both my quarterly tax bill and my Mastercard Bill. So I discussed my situation with my wife and informed her that I would have to temporarily stop the $100 until I was back to normal working scenario.
She, unknown to me, went out and did some prostitution and followed that with having a boyfriend and bringing a sexually transmitted disease into the house and infecting me. Of course I had noticed her strange behaviour and was concerned.
I now have full care of both the children after she told me last year she wanted to send them to the Philippines for a year.
Many many things have happened since then but fairly recently I invited her to church and informed my pastor who knows the full story. She attended on three occasions.
This is my concern. I had expected someone in the church to be able to speak to her as a friend/concerned member/pastors wife/elder/helper and say lovingly something along the lines of, "....I see you are attending church which is great but you are still separated from your family. Is there anything I might be able to do to help you?"

Do you see my desire to have my wife back in the family and my desire to see just one church official/friend do something to assist? Is it unreasonable to want to have my wife back in the family and being the mother of her two sons? Can the church members not bring themselves to assist me when my wife turns up there three times?
Isn't it Satan who wants to destroy the family? Should Satan not be resisted?
Should I not expect any help from the church I attend to try to rebuild a bridge?
Personally I think she came there hoping for some loving person to have a meaningful chat with her but she was bady disappointed. Now she has not responded to my last couple of invites.
Perhaps I should change churches.

 

[kenisyes]

Sometimes you need to be precise about what you expect. Why not go see the pastor and specifically ask for his help? Maybe, since she has stopped coming, you need to start over with a new church or a new plan?

 

[danschance]

Please check my introduction to get my brief background.
My wife was unfaithful to me in April 2011.
I was giving her $100 per week and she was sending much of that to the Philippines for her younger sister to learn a skill and be able to find work as a qualified nurse.
I was self employed and I had to pay my own tax and found that, due to some reduction in my work areas, I was finding it difficult to pay both my quarterly tax bill and my Mastercard Bill. So I discussed my situation with my wife and informed her that I would have to temporarily stop the $100 until I was back to normal working scenario.
She, unknown to me, went out and did some prostitution and followed that with having a boyfriend and bringing a sexually transmitted disease into the house and infecting me. Of course I had noticed her strange behaviour and was concerned.
I now have full care of both the children after she told me last year she wanted to send them to the Philippines for a year.
Many many things have happened since then but fairly recently I invited her to church and informed my pastor who knows the full story. She attended on three occasions.
This is my concern. I had expected someone in the church to be able to speak to her as a friend/concerned member/pastors wife/elder/helper and say lovingly something along the lines of, "....I see you are attending church which is great but you are still separated from your family. Is there anything I might be able to do to help you?"

Do you see my desire to have my wife back in the family and my desire to see just one church official/friend do something to assist? Is it unreasonable to want to have my wife back in the family and being the mother of her two sons? Can the church members not bring themselves to assist me when my wife turns up there three times?
Isn't it Satan who wants to destroy the family? Should Satan not be resisted?
Should I not expect any help from the church I attend to try to rebuild a bridge?
Personally I think she came there hoping for some loving person to have a meaningful chat with her but she was bady disappointed. Now she has not responded to my last couple of invites.
Perhaps I should change churches.

You and I are in similar situations. My wife had an affair and is now living with a lesbian. I also contracted an STD from her. So I can commiserate with you. I am glad you have not givien up on your marriage and I think you are doing the right thing. The world would have us believe that divorce is the best option, but God still hates divorce!

Have a good heart to heart with your pastor and ask him these questions. If you do not like the answers he gives, find another pastor.

 

[colalella2891]

You and I are in similar situations. My wife had an affair and is now living with a lesbian. I also contracted an STD from her. So I can commiserate with you. I am glad you have not givien up on your marriage and I think you are doing the right thing. The world would have us believe that divorce is the best option, but God still hates divorce!

Have a good heart to heart with your pastor and ask him these questions. If you do not like the answers he gives, find another pastor.

I have to disagree, respectfully.

I know God hates divorce, but I don't think He expects someone to be with a spouse who completely dishonors, mistreats, and betrays them... Marriage shouldn't be like that in my opinion... My mom and dad ended their marriage, but their problems weren't nearly as extreme as anything like what i've seen on this site. God is understanding.

PS: I'm not giving any advice to anybody, or judging anybody, especially since I have no idea what it's like to be married. I'm just stating my opinion.

 

[woka]

Did the church leaders, pastors, women, encourager's etc know that she was coming and that you wished for them to talk to her?

 

[Twinkle77]

Hi Kenny47

You have such a humble and forgiving heart. I'm sorry that you going through a rough patch.
Glad to hear that you are looking for a way to bring the family back together.

If your wife won't respond to the invites to church because she was dissappointed,
why don't you invite someone from church to your place instead. Of course the someone,
who is able to have a heart to heart chat with her. Someone you trust, who is mature in Christ.

 

[homwardbound]

Please check my introduction to get my brief background.


My wife was unfaithful to me in April 2011.
I was giving her $100 per week and she was sending much of that to the Philippines for her younger sister to learn a skill and be able to find work as a qualified nurse.
I was self employed and I had to pay my own tax and found that, due to some reduction in my work areas, I was finding it difficult to pay both my quarterly tax bill and my Mastercard Bill. So I discussed my situation with my wife and informed her that I would have to temporarily stop the $100 until I was back to normal working scenario.
She, unknown to me, went out and did some prostitution and followed that with having a boyfriend and bringing a sexually transmitted disease into the house and infecting me. Of course I had noticed her strange behaviour and was concerned.
I now have full care of both the children after she told me last year she wanted to send them to the Philippines for a year.
Many many things have happened since then but fairly recently I invited her to church and informed my pastor who knows the full story. She attended on three occasions.
This is my concern. I had expected someone in the church to be able to speak to her as a friend/concerned member/pastors wife/elder/helper and say lovingly something along the lines of, "....I see you are attending church which is great but you are still separated from your family. Is there anything I might be able to do to help you?"

Do you see my desire to have my wife back in the family and my desire to see just one church official/friend do something to assist? Is it unreasonable to want to have my wife back in the family and being the mother of her two sons? Can the church members not bring themselves to assist me when my wife turns up there three times?
Isn't it Satan who wants to destroy the family? Should Satan not be resisted?
Should I not expect any help from the church I attend to try to rebuild a bridge?
Personally I think she came there hoping for some loving person to have a meaningful chat with her but she was bady disappointed. Now she has not responded to my last couple of invites.
Perhaps I should change churches.

kenny do you know what she wants? do either of you talk, Has she or does she have regret for these actions, you are her Husband yes? And I hear you having a heart of God
So maybe brother ask God this
Not exactly in context but this the last part of this I think is to us all to trust God for the right words to solve whatever is before us, knoiwing that we can't control anyone elses behavior, not even our own, but we can trust God's through us in all things with no doubt
[h=3]Matthew 10:16-20[/h]New King James Version (NKJV)

[h=3]Persecutions Are Coming[/h][SUP]16 [/SUP]“Behold, I send you out as sheep in the midst of wolves. Therefore be wise as serpents and harmless as doves. [SUP]17 [/SUP]But beware of men, for they will deliver you up to councils and scourge you in their synagogues. [SUP]18 [/SUP]You will be brought before governors and kings for My sake, as a testimony to them and to the Gentiles. [SUP]19 [/SUP]But when they deliver you up, do not worry about how or what you should speak. For it will be given to you in that hour what you should speak; [SUP]20 [/SUP]for it is not you who speak, but the Spirit of your Father who speaks in you.

 

[kardiaoangelous]

I have to disagree, respectfully.

I know God hates divorce, but I don't think He expects someone to be with a spouse who completely dishonors, mistreats, and betrays them... Marriage shouldn't be like that in my opinion... My mom and dad ended their marriage, but their problems weren't nearly as extreme as anything like what i've seen on this site. God is understanding.

PS: I'm not giving any advice to anybody, or judging anybody, especially since I have no idea what it's like to be married. I'm just stating my opinion.

You are right from the Bible's point of view, although they cannot see it.

They need to see that in the scriptures God himself is said to have divorced, and the reason he hates a divorcing is because of the evil that has caused it. They are in a bit of a spiritual imbalance and so see only that God hates a divorce, making even the one with perfect right to divorce out as though guilty.

When Jesus gave his counsel, saying, Matthew 5:31 "It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement:
32 But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery."

That was because the practice of the Jewish men at that time was to divorce their wives over simple things. Hey wife!!! I did not the meal you served me and you are rotten cook, therefore, I am exercising my RIGHT to divorce you.

Yes, they had falsely come to see it as though it were their RIGHT to divorce their wives over anything they wished. They looked at what God said to Adam at Genesis 3:16-19 and concluded she was under obligation to them but because of Eve's sin they were under no obligation to her. It was that fallacious a reasoning going on.

The older a man gets the more difficult he knows it will be to find another take her place in his heart. And such a subconscious or conscious realization, either way, interferes with an older mans good judgment, especially if they yet have underage children. And that is just the raw truth of it.

 

[Water1944]

I'm so sorry and I'm praying for you. I was in the same situation, my ex walked out on a 17yr marriage and 3 children. i did everything I could to save it and even after i signed the papers two yrs after he left, I still had an open heart toward him after finding out he cheated. i used to sit in church for hours and cry and beg God to save my marriage. What I finally understood was that we have free will and God needs something to work with. My ex did not want to change,nor did he care much about his hurt children.I can't tell you how much I did not want to lose him,my marriage or be a single parent. I finally had to accept it and move on with the help of my church. That being said, I know many marriages that have been healed with lots of work. It's a true blessing to be able to save your marriage and i hope you do. Please keep praying,find another church/or pastor who will work with you. My church offers workshops for couples and lots of support for those trying to repair their marriage. I would look for a therapist to help, which I know costs money, but some will give lower rates. I am praying for you.

 

[yac11]

Please check my introduction to get my brief background.


My wife was unfaithful to me in April 2011.
I was giving her $100 per week and she was sending much of that to the Philippines for her younger sister to learn a skill and be able to find work as a qualified nurse.
I was self employed and I had to pay my own tax and found that, due to some reduction in my work areas, I was finding it difficult to pay both my quarterly tax bill and my Mastercard Bill. So I discussed my situation with my wife and informed her that I would have to temporarily stop the $100 until I was back to normal working scenario.
She, unknown to me, went out and did some prostitution and followed that with having a boyfriend and bringing a sexually transmitted disease into the house and infecting me. Of course I had noticed her strange behaviour and was concerned.
I now have full care of both the children after she told me last year she wanted to send them to the Philippines for a year.
Many many things have happened since then but fairly recently I invited her to church and informed my pastor who knows the full story. She attended on three occasions.
This is my concern. I had expected someone in the church to be able to speak to her as a friend/concerned member/pastors wife/elder/helper and say lovingly something along the lines of, "....I see you are attending church which is great but you are still separated from your family. Is there anything I might be able to do to help you?"

Do you see my desire to have my wife back in the family and my desire to see just one church official/friend do something to assist? Is it unreasonable to want to have my wife back in the family and being the mother of her two sons? Can the church members not bring themselves to assist me when my wife turns up there three times?
Isn't it Satan who wants to destroy the family? Should Satan not be resisted?
Should I not expect any help from the church I attend to try to rebuild a bridge?
Personally I think she came there hoping for some loving person to have a meaningful chat with her but she was bady disappointed. Now she has not responded to my last couple of invites.
Perhaps I should change churches.

I will be honest and tell you I only read this post. If I am repeating then I am sorry. Please understand that your disappointment in the church is valid. Our feelings belong to us and we are entitled to them. However, from experience I can tell you that the church is just run by people who love Christ but we are all just human. Some of us fall through the cracks in the system. I wouldn't say at this point that this is the result of Satan as much as it was an oversight. Unless there is more to this that you did not share.

Let me ask you, why do you want a women back who would go out and prostitute herself, bring disease to you and have a lover on the side? I ask this because I don't see your reason for wanting her back since you asked. I feel there can be many reasons why she came with you to church and maybe none of those reasons were because she loves you and has repented.

I also hope that your not wanting her back because you are afraid of being alone. You need to remember.....your never alone as long as you have Christ Jesus our Lord.

May God Bless you abundantly and may you see what He wants you to see.

 

[yac11]

Let me add something....though I have fought for my marriage because we all know that God hates divorce, your situation seems extreme. This is more than a spouse straying off, this is deception big time.

I think the clincher for me was when you indicated that she wanted to take the kids back to the Philippians and you got custody of them so she can't. You obviously know you can't trust her.

Again I pray the best for you!

 

[Kenny47]

Yes, I did see the pastor and asked for his help.

 

[Kenny47]

Well I did forgive her because I know her better than anyone else, having lived with her for almost 10 years. The main reason I saw her return as preferable was for the benefit of the two boys under 10 years old. It is a fact that since early December I am the sole carer for these boys and she only sees them for spells during school holidays.
I see the main reason for her dissatisfaction with our arrangements is that she believed the Family Assistance payments should go into her account so that she had a decent resource to be able to send money to her family overseas. However, I needed those payments to pay all the bills associated with the children. She had non-Christian advisers who I think were advising her along those lines. Some of those husbands were working in the mines up north and earning 6 figure wages. They may have been directing the Family payments to their wives who would have to pay some bills while their husbands were away.
But that is a separate issue to the church and some of its senior members being able to just speak with her when she did come to the church those three times.

 

[Kenny47]

Let me add something....though I have fought for my marriage because we all know that God hates divorce, your situation seems extreme. This is more than a spouse straying off, this is deception big time.

I think the clincher for me was when you indicated that she wanted to take the kids back to the Philippians and you got custody of them so she can't. You obviously know you can't trust her.



Again I pray the best for you!

I didn't actually get custody of the children - I lost my job with 40 other employees last September when the company went bankrupt and then retired in November. Prior to September she had been looking after them during the week and I looked after them at the weekend from Friday 5pm to Monday 7.30am. She was able to work shifts at the weekend. It was in August she first told me that she wanted to send them to the Philippines for a year. She was having trouble with controlling the boys on her own. I tried to instill some discipline in them so they were not too much to handle for her but I was not there to reinforce my authority as it were. My analysis is she couldn't control them and wanted a get out of the situation. So when our eldest son had a Transition meeting at his school in September (he was moving from a special school back to his old school nearer to me) I decided to front up and oppose the suggested Philippine solution. She was so surporised to see me there and at the end of the meeting a form was sent round the table of the 15 parents or so and it came to me before her. So I filled in the details of the school he had been at before and she was furious! Out of the meeting she was swearing and carrying on and saying heatedly that she might as well go to the Philippines herself. Remember that this was before my unemployment/retirement was known about. But my unexpected unemployment followed quickly by retirement offered a better solution - I look after them 24/7! She gets out of jail and I have to be mother and father all the time. It is an agreement that I have no option but to accept.
Last year she claimed she had never loved me. I said you can learn to love me. Love is a choice. I believe she sees our relationship in terms of how much money she can make out of it, hence the immediate running off to prostitution as soon as we had that funds problem in April 2011. She was in effect saying to me, "Take that!" ie payback.
I pray frequently for her and her welfare but I am not intending to remain single for the rest of my life.

 

[Ephraim]

Please check my introduction to get my brief background.


My wife was unfaithful to me in April 2011.
I was giving her $100 per week and she was sending much of that to the Philippines for her younger sister to learn a skill and be able to find work as a qualified nurse.
I was self employed and I had to pay my own tax and found that, due to some reduction in my work areas, I was finding it difficult to pay both my quarterly tax bill and my Mastercard Bill. So I discussed my situation with my wife and informed her that I would have to temporarily stop the $100 until I was back to normal working scenario.
She, unknown to me, went out and did some prostitution and followed that with having a boyfriend and bringing a sexually transmitted disease into the house and infecting me. Of course I had noticed her strange behaviour and was concerned.
I now have full care of both the children after she told me last year she wanted to send them to the Philippines for a year.
Many many things have happened since then but fairly recently I invited her to church and informed my pastor who knows the full story. She attended on three occasions.
This is my concern. I had expected someone in the church to be able to speak to her as a friend/concerned member/pastors wife/elder/helper and say lovingly something along the lines of, "....I see you are attending church which is great but you are still separated from your family. Is there anything I might be able to do to help you?"

Do you see my desire to have my wife back in the family and my desire to see just one church official/friend do something to assist? Is it unreasonable to want to have my wife back in the family and being the mother of her two sons? Can the church members not bring themselves to assist me when my wife turns up there three times?
Isn't it Satan who wants to destroy the family? Should Satan not be resisted?
Should I not expect any help from the church I attend to try to rebuild a bridge?
Personally I think she came there hoping for some loving person to have a meaningful chat with her but she was bady disappointed. Now she has not responded to my last couple of invites.
Perhaps I should change churches.

If I were you I would stop involving church with this issue. It seems to all be quite public and I would suggest that your wife feels too obliged, too exposed, or too ashamed to involve other people.

 

[Kenny47]

Did the church leaders, pastors, women, encourager's etc know that she was coming and that you wished for them to talk to her?

Yes, the pastor knew and some of the elders too. I thought that God would require some approach to a person such as this as they know what the situation is. But the attitude seems to be, "Ah well, we're praying for you." Some times, people of God just have to take some action. I thought a pastor was a pastor to the flock.

 

[Kenny47]

If I were you I would stop involving church with this issue. It seems to all be quite public and I would suggest that your wife feels too obliged, too exposed, or too ashamed to involve other people.

My wife and I attended this church for several months so it is impossible to continue to pretend nothing has happened. If it is public then it is the way it is because of her knee-jerk reactions to temporarily running short of cash in April, 2011. She recently attended the church with me and our children on three occasions. How is that a sign that she is ashamed (of her actions)?

So what would you suggest is the best way to go?

 

[Ephraim]

My wife and I attended this church for several months so it is impossible to continue to pretend nothing has happened. If it is public then it is the way it is because of her knee-jerk reactions to temporarily running short of cash in April, 2011. She recently attended the church with me and our children on three occasions. How is that a sign that she is ashamed (of her actions)?

So what would you suggest is the best way to go?

Because women are complex. Imagine how she feels.

Part of her probably wants to oblige to you, as her husband, hence the attendance at the church. Another part of her feels guilt. Another part of her wants to run away to the Philippines. Part of her will feel ashamed for what she's done. Another part will still retain the disappointment, perhaps anger or ill-feeling that caused her unfaithfulness in the first place. Part of her probably feels like she had no choice but to engage in those activities to support your children, as you couldn't pay her the money. Part of her wishes you had done more (if you could have), part of her probably understands that you couldn't have done more and feels sympathy for you, along with anger that you didn't have the ability or the means to do more. Part of her probably feels as though she's let you down, and another feels that you forced her into this situation. Part of her maybe wants a break, part of her is overwhelmed. Part of her wonders what the kids will think. Part of her wants to leave all this behind out of perhaps shame or disillusionment. A lot has happened, after all, and her emotions will be all over the place. Part of her probably wants reconciliation, or a break from the kids to focus on your marriage and relationship. Part of her hates the spotlight that has been put on all of this, part of her feels like she deserves to be shamed. Women are complex emotional creatures and you need to understand this. Sometimes just understanding it is enough. Just knowing how conflicted she is. That kind of confliction is agony to the highest degree, and blame and expectation serve no purpose except to intensify it.

 

[Kenny47]

A couple of my first relies I thought would be linked to the post I was relpying to because I clicked the "Reply" button but apparently not so sorry about that.

The first reply is to kenisyes
The second reply is to yac11 (first post/reply)

Thank you all for your considerations.

I thought the church officials have some sense of responsibility to the congregation on fairly serious matters such as this, especially when they know we are estranged.

 

[surprisingrose]

Kenny, are you still wanting her back? And is she wanting you back? I went through what you are going through and friends of mine as well. It is very complex, but the number one thing to do is pray and let the Lord show you what you need to do. If he wants you to show her acts of forgiveness or if she's not sincere and he show you to let it just go. It's always good to stay sivel to each other for the kids sake, but don't let Satan use her to play games with you. She needs to come honest with the Lord, herself and you. That's only when change can come. If God is working reconcilation out for you both then he will work out all the issues with your church as well. He has a way of turning the hearts of his people. I pray the Lord give you answers and peace in the midst of whatever the end will be.