Almost regretfully...

[Catera]

We've been together almost 8 years, married for just a little over a year and are expecting our first child together in a couple weeks. A week after we got married my mother passed away and I got laid off of my job. Ive been unemployed since.
In December and two months pregnant, my wife lost her job....so things are understandably stressful.
We've broken up a couple times in our 7 years of dating. It was painfully obvious there were some pride and control issues on her part, that made being around her almost unbearable, but I thought we worked through those issues.
Now that we're married, she's said some things to my 16 year old daughter who now wants nothing to do with her, her 14 year old son wants to move to his dad's and I'm beginning to feel some regrets.
Understanding that she's very pregnant, very uncomfortable and highly irritable, there are a few things that have popped up in our marriage.
I dont feel like she takes responsibility for anythinhg. For instance, she's kind of a slob. Ive cleaned off the kitchen table dozens of times (you literally cannot see the table or desk under 2 feet of clutter that has been there for 3 months) before giving up because it obviously wasn't important to her, nor did I feel like she, despite talking about it several times, understands its importance to me. Then blames me for the mess. More like slamming stuff in the kitchen, screaming and yelling because I left my dirty coffee spoon on the spoon rest too long. She really doesn't take criticism at all, yet loves to dish it out ten fold.

The kitchen table isn't really the problem. Its just a symptom. I'm just trying to understand what it is.
Besides, what I'm beginning to suspect a histronic personality disorder.

When I talk to her about it, it quickly turns around to the one time I left two of my hats on the sofa for a day. (I'm a jerk, I know.)

I've talked to my pastor about some of these issues. He just kind of gave me a "Well, it sounds like you're feeling very offended." A technique taught to end conversations like that.

I've said we needed counseling, she just tells me that she's not doing anything wrong, that maybe I should go alone.

Sorry for the rant. I just needed to get this out and maybe stumble across some constructive feedback.
Be blessed.

 

[hattiebod]

I am not sure where to start but it doesn't sound like you or your wife are living in a blessed home. Are you both saved? Both go to church together? Is God head of your home?
Pregnancy is no excuse for poor behavior and even allowing for it, you say this is not new....sounds like you also knew this relationship was tricky in the past, as you have split up. Both been married before?
Well, as my dear old Father would say...'you have made your bed, and now must lie on it' which isn't helpful I'm sure but...
Communicate with her. You need to tell her how you feel, how her behavior affects you and be ready to hear the same back. You need to work together or this poor baby is going to grow up in an unhappy home. Has she always been a 'slob' or maybe it's just she is very tired, very pregnant and low on energy. Whats her support network? Whatever is the matter, you need to talk to one another and keep on talking and pray that you both have the desire to make this marriage work. Pray, be the husband God calls you to be. Things can change....Our God is a God of the miraculous, of healing and restoration. You need to walk in that Maybe you are a bit depressed too....need to fully rely and trust on Him and get your household under His authority. Look first to what you can do? And God Bless you as you desire to live a life that honors Him, <><

 

[Ariel82]

I'm a slob, I admit it. though I've tried very hard to keep the house clean but sometimes I kind of get depressed about it all because it just gets messy again.

we tend to have piles of junk mail that keeps building up and both my husband and I leave it because we think the other one wants them for some reason.

Writing it down I can kind of see the humor in it.

"I left it there because I thought you wanted the ads for new credit cards, sales papers, etc."
"I didn't throw them away because I thought you were saving the papers for something"

then when one of us (namely me) throws them away or moves it, it changes to "what happened to such and such letter"

sigh.

We have gotten better at communicating: he wants me to save the bills, etc and get rid of most of the junk mail. However I still save more than I throw out and currently have three bags of unsorted mail in our room that I need to go through....mmm grrrr........

anyway, there is probably more to your wife's denial than just not being tidy.

I can't speak for your wife but I tend not to clean when I"m depressed or upset about something or just overwhelmed by the amount of STUFF to do.

I found that when my husband notes the positive (the days I actually clean or cook a home made meal) instead of harping at me to do things, I respond better. He'll say things like "the living room looks really nice, love" or "Did you mop the floor today, i really like the clean smell." or just "the house looks nice" "dinner was lovely" etc.

If he harps at me, I just rebel and stop doing more things.

like when he complained about how I folded his undershirts and underwear, I just stop doing his laundry for a couple weeks.

I was 3 months pregnant and had to haul the clothes to a laundrymat since at the time we lived in an apartment without a washer and dryer, so it kind of made me mad that instead of a thank you, I got complaints.

Who folds their underwear, anyways?

<yeah yeah it fits in the drawer better, blah blah, lol I've heard it but still find it ridiculous, even though I do it for him out of love>

also being pregnant can really affect people's health sometimes women have to be bedridden.

so I think you both need to forgive each other and move forward if you want this marriage to work.

 

[Catera]

I am not sure where to start but it doesn't sound like you or your wife are living in a blessed home. Are you both saved? Both go to church together? Is God head of your home?

Yes, we are both Christians, very active in our church.

Pregnancy is no excuse for poor behavior and even allowing for it, you say this is not new....sounds like you also knew this relationship was tricky in the past, as you have split up. Both been married before?

I was married before. This is her first marriage.

Well, as my dear old Father would say...'you have made your bed, and now must lie on it' which isn't helpful I'm sure but...

yeah, I understand that.

Communicate with her. You need to tell her how you feel, how her behavior affects you and be ready to hear the same back. You need to work together or this poor baby is going to grow up in an unhappy home. Has she always been a 'slob' or maybe it's just she is very tired, very pregnant and low on energy. Whats her support network?

Yeah, Ive tried that. Here's the funny thing. When you start a statement with "I feel when you..." It's kinda hard for the other person to negate that. I mean, it's how you feel.
Over and over again, she does this "I don't do that."
So it really serves no purpose to talk to her about how Im feeling.

Thank you for your input.

 

[Catera]

Ariel, really, its not the stuff, the clutter or anything that's bothering me, it's her refusal to take any responsibility with anything. I recognize it's not easy for her to get around the house. I do most of the laundry, cooking, cleaning unless she specifies that she wants to do something.
Its when I point out that it makes work more work for me when I have to scrub out her and her 14 year old son's bowls because there is dried stuff in it, when the dishwasher is literally a foot away and she gets in a tizzy and blames me for the mess in the first place, telling me that her and her son ALWAY put dishes in the washer. wha?!

Again, I realize that's not the problem, but a symptom.
It just seems like there's something vastly missing here.
Thanks for the input.

 

[Water1944]

If you told me it's mostly calm around your house, you could be my brother and I'd still know you were lying. Huge stress factors, long term loss of job,check, loss of second income, check, new baby on the way, check, teens, check, or should I say, teens, ck ck ck. There is so much that you both are dealing with, it's unreal. Anyone with teens knows that there is a part of them that is just not human. I've had three, and it's the hardest age to deal with on so many levels. Being unemployed, very stressful. New baby, stress. one or two of these things together would be hard, to have all at once, unreal. Until some stress is gone, this is not your everyday situation. I think your wife is just tired, stressed and would like to have alot less to worry about. I bet you feel the same way. I don't think it's fair to both of you to compare your present to your past. I urge you to see all the stress you both are under, and to pray pray pray. You all, teens too, are totally overwhelmed.Share this with your wife, and do your best to stay calm and not react to the stress and that will help her which will help your kids as well. I'm praying for you.

 

[Catera]

Water,thank you.
My oldest prays with us (she's 16).
There is a lot of stress going on, no doubt.

We just finished another "discussion".
Im done trying to talk anything out with her for now.

 

[Canny]

We've been together almost 8 years, married for just a little over a year and are expecting our first child together in a couple weeks. A week after we got married my mother passed away and I got laid off of my job. Ive been unemployed since.
In December and two months pregnant, my wife lost her job....so things are understandably stressful.
We've broken up a couple times in our 7 years of dating. It was painfully obvious there were some pride and control issues on her part, that made being around her almost unbearable, but I thought we worked through those issues.
Now that we're married, she's said some things to my 16 year old daughter who now wants nothing to do with her, her 14 year old son wants to move to his dad's and I'm beginning to feel some regrets.
Understanding that she's very pregnant, very uncomfortable and highly irritable, there are a few things that have popped up in our marriage.
I dont feel like she takes responsibility for anythinhg. For instance, she's kind of a slob. Ive cleaned off the kitchen table dozens of times (you literally cannot see the table or desk under 2 feet of clutter that has been there for 3 months) before giving up because it obviously wasn't important to her, nor did I feel like she, despite talking about it several times, understands its importance to me. Then blames me for the mess. More like slamming stuff in the kitchen, screaming and yelling because I left my dirty coffee spoon on the spoon rest too long. She really doesn't take criticism at all, yet loves to dish it out ten fold.

The kitchen table isn't really the problem. Its just a symptom. I'm just trying to understand what it is.
Besides, what I'm beginning to suspect a histronic personality disorder.

When I talk to her about it, it quickly turns around to the one time I left two of my hats on the sofa for a day. (I'm a jerk, I know.)

I've talked to my pastor about some of these issues. He just kind of gave me a "Well, it sounds like you're feeling very offended." A technique taught to end conversations like that.

I've said we needed counseling, she just tells me that she's not doing anything wrong, that maybe I should go alone.

Sorry for the rant. I just needed to get this out and maybe stumble across some constructive feedback.
Be blessed.

I'm sorry I don't have anything constructive to suggest, other than keep ranting. I do have one of these (((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))

 

[Ariel82]

telling me that her and her son ALWAY put dishes in the washer. wha?!

Again, I realize that's not the problem, but a symptom.
It just seems like there's something vastly missing here.
Thanks for the input.

hmmm.......I can't really say who is making the mess from over the internet, but I normally blame the kids for it.

I know your stepson is kind of old for it but I bought specialized dishes for the kids and could tell when they didn't clean it up like they were suppose too.

In some of the cases I would focus on having her teach her son to clean up and hopefully she will do it by example?

I don't know. It sounds like you could use a break. Perhaps don't clean, cook or do laundry for a couple days and see what happens.

you can attribute it to "sympathy pains". lol.

seriously though, Marriage is about working together and accomplishing things as a team.

If it is important to both of you to have a clean house, then both should try your best to have that happen.

I tell my kids that I want a clean living room/kitchen/dinning room area. Its all one big room in our house. They like to bring their toys out and I make them help each other clean it all up.

They always complain when I make them clean the other person's toys but I find its helpful to remind them the times the other person cleaned up after them and how much better it felt to have help.

I'm not sure how that lesson would translate to your wife, but it might help to focus your attention on your stepson?

you can't really "teach" or "train" your wife to do what you want in terms of cleaning but you can get your stepson to do it. (at least I hope you have that kind of understanding, because I thought when you married you joined families and help raise each other kids but with your oldest being 16 it has to be harder)

One of the tactics we use is to train the kids and they influence their elders. For example, in the case of smoking. Most of my husband's family used to smoke but after the very adverse reaction my kids and I have to smoke, many have stopped or cut down dramatically on their smoking. They also do it outside the house and away from us. Most grandparents don't like it when a two year old crinkles their face and says "stinky smoke" then runs off. We got them to stop verbalizing it but the crinkly face and running off is hard to stop.

I was thinking with the chores. your kids are probably old enough to start helping out. I know 14 and 16 year olds are. My son is 7 and daughter is 5 and they both help with dishes, with supervision but still. perhaps a chores chart might help?

For example, it shouldn't be about everyone doing their own laundry but someone assigned to do laundry for the week. (they could of course do their own laundry if they don't like the way the other kids did it) Someone else assigned to do dishes. another to pick up the common living area and vacuum/sweep/mop. One can cut the grass or do the yard work. another could take out the trash for the week and then you could rotate duties between the kids if that is feasible?

My daughter tells me that when she is a teenager, she is going to take over the kitchen and cook our meals and even wash dishes. (she's 5 we'll see how that holds up. lol) My son wants to cut the grass and take care of the yard work when his dad says he is old enough to handle the lawn mower. How old were you when you first used a lawn mower?

Anyway, I personally think you should get your kids to do the dishes since you did the cooking. Most 12 year old's can do dishes especially if there is a dishwasher. you might have to teach the how to handle the pots and pans but they need to learn. It will benefit them in the future. otherwise they will become little divas expecting everyone else to cater to them and clean after them.

Thank yous are a good thing for the kids to remember to say after dinner or a clean clothes delivery as well.

ok i'm done ranting. I hope it works out.

Again I would focus on the positive things your wife does and if you want help cleaning house, train your kids to help you. it will be good for them to pitch in.

 

[hattiebod]

Water,thank you.
My oldest prays with us (she's 16).
There is a lot of stress going on, no doubt.

We just finished another "discussion".
Im done trying to talk anything out with her for now.

You sound tired...no wonder! But know we are caring here, we may not have the answers of course, we (I) may say things that are not 'right' but just wanting to reach out, in love, knowing there are people who listen and care can help I think? I do hope so
You cannot change another's behaviour but you can influence it....and telling someone what to do, how they should act, feel etc is usually not constructive, you are right. But, gently, choosing your moment! And explaining to someone how you feel, can be, as long as it is done with lack of accusation, helpful. Not easy. The main thing is to keep communicating. I think you are spot on that this is symptoms....when did you last have a date with your wife, time for just the two of you, away from responsibility, home and church? You are both sinking I suspect, overwhelmed. Communicate this to each other...she has maybe the added 'guilt' of the old chestnut, 'i am pregnant so I should be SO happy' but is maybe just scared stiff how this is all going to work out. Christians are not immune to this...but do struggle with the guilt of not being able to dig up the faith to carry them through.
Know that you do not have to. It's ok to struggle, Jesus is right with you, as I know many here are, supporting you and your precious family any way we can across the miles.God Bless you, sustain you and give you peace through this....and lead you in the way through, together and stronger than ever!! <><

 

[Ariel82]

date night! what a great idea. almost forgot what those were. lol.

 

[Lucy68]

Has she considered going to counseling? Her irrational behavior is probably making her (and everybody else obviously) miserable.

You may want to suggest it from the perspective of helping her to be a happier person. Make it sound beneficial to her...like "I want you to be happy, and I hate seeing you in misery...how about going to a counselor and see if he/she can help you to feel better?"

Praying for you....guidance, wisdom and patience.

 

[Catera]

Ariel, I don't really care about the mess...well, I do...but that isn't really the issue.
Something she said last night. "I'm fine with it." refering to the dishes in the sink, but then on a 20 minute rant about the coffee area (she's not a coffee drinker) and how cluttered it is. I have the coffee pot and an espresso machine there.
I was just shocked that she had the audacity to bring up a reasonably neat, although crowded corner of the kicthen an how crazy it makes her, when the dining table and desk have been unseen for months because of the stuff on it.
The boy, well, he's a 14 year old boy that hasn't had any self discipline modeled for him. So I find it hard to blame him, except when I've asked him to do something a certian way a dozen times and momma comes rolling in like Im the bad guy.

I'm just tired of it.

Has she considered going to counseling? Her irrational behavior is probably making her (and everybody else obviously) miserable.

You may want to suggest it from the perspective of helping her to be a happier person. Make it sound beneficial to her...like "I want you to be happy, and I hate seeing you in misery...how about going to a counselor and see if he/she can help you to feel better?"

Praying for you....guidance, wisdom and patience.

Yeah, we had a great counselor at our church, and I've suggested that. The response was that maybe I should go alone and get over my "issues", because she doesn't have any.
That alone bothered me, but when she started in on the "It wasn't me" bit while I just watched her do it...
Due to my previous marriage, I've learned that I need to stop and account for all of my own behavior first. Cuz, let's face it, contrary to popular opinion, I'm not perfect.
So Ive taken inventory. I just feel like she's trying to convince me of a lie. Much the way my ex-wife did. I just didn't buy it. And I think that' what's frustrating her as well. I'm not buying it.
I've kind of resigned myself to the idea that she may not be able to change and I feel like shes using our marriage and child as a type of tether, holding me to this bizarre behavior.
I may go myself. Just to see if I can figure out a way to handle it with out having extreme measures.

I'm sorry, maybe I need to stop ranting.

 

[David_1]

Google: "borderline personality disorder".
I won't say more, because unless you've dealt with a loved one with this illness, you can't relate.
One of the defining characteristics is a complete inability to have remorse for the things they do to others, or take responsibility for it.

 

[Ephraim]

We've been together almost 8 years, married for just a little over a year and are expecting our first child together in a couple weeks. A week after we got married my mother passed away and I got laid off of my job. Ive been unemployed since.
In December and two months pregnant, my wife lost her job....so things are understandably stressful.
We've broken up a couple times in our 7 years of dating. It was painfully obvious there were some pride and control issues on her part, that made being around her almost unbearable, but I thought we worked through those issues.
Now that we're married, she's said some things to my 16 year old daughter who now wants nothing to do with her, her 14 year old son wants to move to his dad's and I'm beginning to feel some regrets.
Understanding that she's very pregnant, very uncomfortable and highly irritable, there are a few things that have popped up in our marriage.
I dont feel like she takes responsibility for anythinhg. For instance, she's kind of a slob. Ive cleaned off the kitchen table dozens of times (you literally cannot see the table or desk under 2 feet of clutter that has been there for 3 months) before giving up because it obviously wasn't important to her, nor did I feel like she, despite talking about it several times, understands its importance to me. Then blames me for the mess. More like slamming stuff in the kitchen, screaming and yelling because I left my dirty coffee spoon on the spoon rest too long. She really doesn't take criticism at all, yet loves to dish it out ten fold.

The kitchen table isn't really the problem. Its just a symptom. I'm just trying to understand what it is.
Besides, what I'm beginning to suspect a histronic personality disorder.

When I talk to her about it, it quickly turns around to the one time I left two of my hats on the sofa for a day. (I'm a jerk, I know.)

I've talked to my pastor about some of these issues. He just kind of gave me a "Well, it sounds like you're feeling very offended." A technique taught to end conversations like that.

I've said we needed counseling, she just tells me that she's not doing anything wrong, that maybe I should go alone.

Sorry for the rant. I just needed to get this out and maybe stumble across some constructive feedback.
Be blessed.

She reminds me of someone I dated.

To be honest, this sounds like she can't see the other side of things; she doesn't understand the benefit of mutual understanding. Those responses you mentioned; the twisting statements back on you, that's a defence mechanism so she doesn't have to feel 'wrong'. Perhaps a change in the manner in which you approach her might help. Spreading blame and stamping labels like 'wrong' on people does little to dissolve any tension. It just makes it worse.

I lived with a woman who is just like you describe; persnickety. She was always finding flaw with the little things, making mountains out of molehills and being unpredictable. Sometimes she was okay when things were going her way, but when they weren't she made everyone else's life hell.

And it doesn't help for you to ignore your wife, nor to show up the way she's acting. It'll just fan the flames. She feels powerless and without control and needs to exert it somewhere (hence being picky and unpredictable about seemingly unimportant things and/or having double standards). Self-help gurus would say don't enable her and don't respond to those behaviors (don't allow her control), but that's only a way of forcing her into feeling like she has even LESS control over things and it will intensify her own emotional anguish at the root of why she feels like she needs control.

Instead what I would do is try to understand WHY she feels like she has to have control of everything. Talk to her like you are trying to help; as a friend, as a lover, not as someone who 'wants things to change' and expects different. Remember, she is the way she is for a reason. Don't pressure her to be different, instead try to support her in finding out why she feels this way, and be her rock in that respect, and you will find those tensions and control issues drift away once she understands that you are there for her and with her, not against her.

 

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

Persnickety.... Nice word choice.

Anyway Catera, your woman sounds crazy.

If you need anymore helpful information, i'm here.

 

[silverdollar]

Persnickety.... Nice word choice.

Anyway Catera, your woman sounds crazy.

If you need anymore helpful information, i'm here.

ya its funny all the armchair counsellors.
the lady clealry doenst love the guy, he should bail.
but sounds like he has issues too. maybe gets sometrhing out of it in a weird way? lol.
i'd just move and start over. take the kids and take your chances., who has time for all that drama.

 

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

ya its funny all the armchair counsellors.
the lady clealry doenst love the guy, he should bail.
but sounds like he has issues too. maybe gets sometrhing out of it in a weird way? lol.
i'd just move and start over. take the kids and take your chances., who has time for all that drama.

Yeah your right... he should just leave his pregnant wife..

 

[silverdollar]

Yeah your right... he should just leave his pregnant wife..

OH NO.....SORRY MAN.
WRONG THREAD.

I APOLOGIZE BIG TIME.
sorry
(i thought it was the one where the wife was a prostitute)

 

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

well, its someone elses child. she became a prostitute.
to each his own i guess.
i would take all the kids and leave her to do her thing.

Your confused. Read very carefully the first paragraph of his original post again.