unfaithful husband

[steph_rose88]

I am soo discouraged. For as long as my husband and I have been married, my hubby has struggled with porn and talking to other girls. Every time I find out I express my heartache and hurt bc of this. He then promises it will never happen again. But then it does. Every time I start trusting him or gaining at least a little bit of hope it happens again. The longest he's gone WITHOUT doing it I would say has been at least 2 months. The last time it happened I told him I couldn't do this anymore, and my heart hurts too bad I can't take any more of it. He then swore to me he was going to be a better person, be more involved with God and that it would NEVER happen again. Well I jst found it again. And idk what to do. I highly doubt he has never met up with another girl and messed around. Sry so long, figured I should give the story. I jst really need some advice. I don't want to call it quits but I cannot be hurt anymore it's unbearable.

 

[intercessorginger]

I think a person who has these types of urges really needs deliverance from lust. If he is a "born again Christian" you can talk to your pastor about getting this type of prayer for him.There is no room in marriage for this type of "fooling around" as you already know it leads to so much heartache and will eventually lead to adultery. He must be truly willing to repent and come closer to God.

 

[Iluv_Jesus]

Have faith in Jesus in all situations of life. Read Psalm 121. I lift up my eyes to the Hills, from where will my help come. My help comes from the Lord who made heaven and earth. He who keeps you will not slumber. He who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The lord is your keeper. The Lord is your shade at your right hand. The sun shall not strike you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord is your keeper, He will keep your Life. The Lord will keep your going out and your coming in, from this time on and forever more.
There's more to life. Bad relationships aren't your fault. Pray to God and seek your purpose in life, and you shall find it. As for those close to you, pray for them also. God would never give you suffering which He thinks you can't handle. This is my encouragement to you. God bless you. Pray that He show a way for your problems. Amen.

 

[Alysa825]

In a case of marital unfaithfulness, the bible DOES excuse divorce (in matthew). Being unfaithful does not just mean having sexual physical contact with someone else. So at this point, it is up to you if you decide to continue in this marriage. It does sound like he needs to be delivered from a spirit of lust, which means that no matter how many times he tells you he will stop, it WILL start again because he cannot stop on his own. He has to take it to God completely. As for you, pray for him, not only to change in that aspect, but to really have a heart to chase after God. The scripture says (and I'm para-phrasing) "sumbit ourselves to God, THEN the devil will flee." I feel your pain completely on this one, you're not alone.

 

[AAAPlus]

In a case of marital unfaithfulness, the bible DOES excuse divorce (in matthew). Being unfaithful does not just mean having sexual physical contact with someone else. So at this point, it is up to you if you decide to continue in this marriage.

Those are dangerous words Alysa. It's a stretch to say that looking at porn would spiritually justify a divorce. Married men look at women lustfully all the time; at some point you have to leave room for grace. Jesus did die and rise again for our sins, after all =)

Steph_Rose...I know this must be hard for you. Porn is a common struggle with men, even married ones. What he needs is another guy to come along side him and raise him up spiritually, and keep him accountable. He also needs your grace and prayer in this situation. If it's at all possible, ask one of your Godly women friends to have their husband come along side him and help keep him accountable. You should keep in mind that anything they talk about together would be completely confidential and not shared with either wife.

 

[Tearose84]

Sorry, I know no one will agree with me but I suffered thru what you are going thru for several years. This is cheating, in my opinion. Porn and talking to other girls is secret is cheating. It is a horrible heartache. I would move out. he needs to work on this himself. he is full of empty promises and his urges are worth far more to him than you are. He lies and continues in his sin. he wants no accountability. if he refuses to have accountability then off he goes. If you decide to stay have you considered an internet filter? you should have access to everything he does online and his phone. Until he can beat this problem, he needs accountability. If needed get rid of the internet.

 

[MatthewMichael]

I am soo discouraged. For as long as my husband and I have been married, my hubby has struggled with porn and talking to other girls. Every time I find out I express my heartache and hurt bc of this. He then promises it will never happen again. But then it does. Every time I start trusting him or gaining at least a little bit of hope it happens again. The longest he's gone WITHOUT doing it I would say has been at least 2 months. The last time it happened I told him I couldn't do this anymore, and my heart hurts too bad I can't take any more of it. He then swore to me he was going to be a better person, be more involved with God and that it would NEVER happen again. Well I jst found it again. And idk what to do. I highly doubt he has never met up with another girl and messed around. Sry so long, figured I should give the story. I jst really need some advice. I don't want to call it quits but I cannot be hurt anymore it's unbearable.

I'm sorry you're going through this Steph. He obviously has some deep insecurities. You might try reminding him of his marriage vows. Ask him how he can call himself a man when he makes no attempt to keep his word... I dunno. That's what I want to say to him anyways. It's hard when your other half won't meet you in the middle.

Those are dangerous words Alysa. It's a stretch to say that looking at porn would spiritually justify a divorce. Married men look at women lustfully all the time; at some point you have to leave room for grace. Jesus did die and rise again for our sins, after all =)

I'm a guy... I get what you're saying.. but the good book says:

Matthew 5:28
But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.

I'm just sayin'... It says it...

 

[Alysa825]

Those are dangerous words Alysa. It's a stretch to say that looking at porn would spiritually justify a divorce. Married men look at women lustfully all the time; at some point you have to leave room for grace. Jesus did die and rise again for our sins, after all =)

Steph_Rose...I know this must be hard for you. Porn is a common struggle with men, even married ones. What he needs is another guy to come along side him and raise him up spiritually, and keep him accountable. He also needs your grace and prayer in this situation. If it's at all possible, ask one of your Godly women friends to have their husband come along side him and help keep him accountable. You should keep in mind that anything they talk about together would be completely confidential and not shared with either wife.

My dear, I wasn't saying looking at porn alone is grounds for divorce. She also said that he is always talking to other women. I'm sure she does not mean just plutonic friendships.

 

[hattiebod]

Being in such a relationship is so painful, so much hurt, disappointment and rejection.
i did like a post on another thread I think, where someone wrote, where is our faith, where is our confidence that Christ has done enough? We just want to be happy and we want it now. We are told, we are to 'wait on the Lord'. Not our timing. My dear friends husband left her, spent all the family savings on his mistress....and worse ....he settled on another woman, set up house with her, demanded a divorce....but my friend through it all, prayed and stood on her marriage. Many friends thought she was 'mad' she was young and there was 3 young children, very young indeed when it all happened. It took 17 years, but he came 'home' and their relationship was restored. There family remained 'intact', and God never left her. What a witness! Her husbands proclaimed faith was not real, as he was able to see and admit and now, he is saved and walks closely with the Lord. Yes, she could have done as so many advised her too, but she did not. She was alone for what some would say, were the best years of her life. But she said God was all that mattered. Christ had done enough and she had to be obedient and she had to wait on Him.
He 3 children now in late teens, early twenties are strong men and women of God. Her marriage amazing. Gorgeous home, life is indeed 'happy'. Does she have regrets? No, not one. She knows her God!! and God has even restored her 'feelings' of love toward her husband. All things are indeed possible when we love our Almighty God and truly follow Him. Following Him calls us to be obedient in all ways and it is not easy. But it is ultimately so rewarding!
God Bless, <><

 

[dashadow]

Be careful with the advice you seek regarding your marriage. IMO, some of the advice about leaving is inappropriate. Ending a marriage is a very serious matter. And you should be discussing this with your husband, pastor (if you have one) and/or others who can offer advice and support close to home.
Obviously, what your husband is doing is unacceptable. Just keep in mind, how you deal with it falls on you. Include God in the process through prayer. And be prepared to take responsibility for the choices you make in addressing this problem. Oftentimes, when people seek advice from others on such a delicate matter, especially those who can't really see the whole picture, it only makes matters worse.
Your husband obviously has a serious problem. Expecting him to just stop, even though it causes you pain is unrealistic. You should be working together to get to the root of the problem. If you can't make any progress in that regard, do what you feel the Spirit guides you to do. But be prepared to live with your decision without resentment toward your husband or those who you accept advice from.

 

[southerngal]

This is just an opinion, we've all had an opinion, as to be advice. He was caught once, promised to stop, and did it again. That shows right there that he isn't sincere about being faithful. This is hard because at times we depend on our husbands to be the strong one so it can be scary for a woman with three children to suddenly be on her own. IMO of course, he has continued after repeat promising to stop which means he isn't serious about stopping. Pray to GOD for guidance. GOD doesn't wish you to be cheated on and he is having relationships. GOD be with you.

 

[jerusalem]

unfortunately many men have been indoctrinated into the belief that it is ok to be unfaithful as long as they are loyal. in their mind there is a clear distinction between the two. when you couple this with those same men also being indoctrinated with the belief that women are emotionally unstable you end up with this type of situation. the solution to the problem in their minds is to placate the woman when she is 'being emotional' because it will pass and everything will go on as before; culturally a lot of men who think this way had mother's and/or other female relatives willing to look the other way for any of a variety of reasons. for the sake of the children perhaps or because' that's just the way men are' etc. dislodging such deeply engrained belief systems is never easy. esp when every attempt on the woman's part to correct the situation is lookedupon as another reinforcement to the man's erroneous belief system. counseling might help if he is willing to participate and prayer is an absolute must. i hope for the best outcome for you but yours is not an easy road in any event. do your best to understand the reasons for the way he is the way he is as it may give you the patience to work it through. don't try to go it alone though. seek a solid christian support for yourself and continue to make it clear that his behavior is unacceptable God bless you in your efforts. you are not alone in dealing with this complex situation. we are admonished not to be unevenly yoked but unfortunately many of us don't realize that we are until we are. the root issue is deception. he does know that is wrong. i would keep that as your catch phrase whenever he tries to justify his behavior. he can't realistically argue with that and at the core he knows what he is doing is wrong because he could never tolerate you doing the same.
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[Lucy68]

He may have an addiction. Have you talked to him about getting help? There are over-coming addiction groups in most areas. Sounds like you really love your husband...and he loves you. Be encouraged that couples have successfully dealt with this before. Focus on the Family is a wonderful organization that helps marriages. Their website may offer some suggestions.

Don't give up! May the Lord lead you in this struggle.

 

[steph_rose88]

Thank u everyone for your encouraging words and advice. I appreciate it all...
I am thinking of leaving him..
Reason being is, I have been married for almost 5 years. All of this has happened ALL throughout. Finding him talking to other women behind my back sexually, looking at other women online, posting stuff on craigslist personals about looking for someone to "please" him.. and every time I find stuff like this, he PROMISES he's not going to do it again, tells me it's not worth losing me.. being completely sincere and apologetic.. I decide to give him yet ANOTHER chance, giving him the benefit of the doubt, and then after a month or two I gain confidence in him and start putting my trust in him, and then.. the same cycle, over and over and OVER again.
Now, I may not be the best Christian out there, but I do have faith in my Savior.. but I jst am not sure that I want to keep doing this. I am soo hurt. I feel deeply betrayed and heart broken. I want so badly to be a good christian wife, but I would rather it be to someone WILLING to be the same back to me, and not fill me with empty promises.
I also have a 4 yr old little girl with him. Which is the reason I am still in this marriage. But I don't want her having parents who do this to each other....

 

[Mo0448]

He may have an addiction. Have you talked to him about getting help? There are over-coming addiction groups in most areas. Sounds like you really love your husband...and he loves you. Be encouraged that couples have successfully dealt with this before. Focus on the Family is a wonderful organization that helps marriages. Their website may offer some suggestions.

Don't give up! May the Lord lead you in this struggle.

Hello Steph I am sorry to hear you are going through that as a guy who has struggled with pornography I can say its not an easy thing, and it can be so easy to fall back into old habits. He seems to be "sorry" however does not seem to be doing the necessary to avoid and move away from his sin. You need to talk to him perhaps seek pastoral counseling if he truly wants to move away from this he needs to avoid being in situations where he can sin. I.E no computer, internet. Sometimes it can take extreme measures to be liberated from such addictions. If he really wants to make the marriage work he needs to understand that this not only is breaking your marriage vows but is also hurting his relationship with God (which is EVEN MORE IMPORTANT!) I suggest you having a heart to heart with him and explain to him how you feel. That if he isn't willing to change and make all the necessary CHANGES lifestyle changes that is so that he does not fall back on old habits you may need to reconsider things. I believe the ball is on his court and if he wants to make things work he will need to show it and act before he loses what he vowed to God he would do everything to cherish! I agree that divorce should be the absolutely last resort but that does not mean you should become a walking mat and believe his empty promises that he will change and is not changing repentance means you acknowledge your sin and STEP AWAY FROM IT! The adulterous woman in John 8 is the best example & here it is:

8 1 but Jesus went to the Mount of Olives.
2 At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. 3 The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group 4 and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. 5 In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” 6 They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.
But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. 7 When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” 8 Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.
9 At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. 10 Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”
11 “No one, sir,” she said.
“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”

Jesus said Go and LEAVE YOUR LIFE OF SIN! If your husband wants to leave the life of sin then he needs to take the necessary steps to do so and if you want to save this marriage (which you seem to obviously its why you're here) then you should be patient and in prayer ask for Wisdom and constantly be supportive to your husband be his point person

God Bless!!

 

[steph_rose88]

Thank you Mo. I really appreciate advice. I jst don't feel like I have the heart or patience to stay at this point. The last time I had found stuff I expressed my hurt, and he sympathized with me, I told him I couldn't take anymore of this and if I found anything else I didn't know if I could stay. He then begged foranother chance, swore he was changed and would never do it again. This time, I told him I had put my guard up cuz I didn't want to feel the pain if I found stuff again, and needed his help to make me more confident in him he told me he would do anything. A couple days later he's talking to other girls again. I can't even believe I'm with someone who treats the one they supposedly love dearly that way...

 

[Mo0448]

Based on a beautiful poem turned Hymn!




He giveth more grace as our burdens grow greater,
He sendeth more strength as our labors increase;
To added afflictions He addeth His mercy,
To multiplied trials He multiplies peace.

When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,
When we reach the end of our hoarded resources
Our Father’s full giving is only begun.

Fear not that thy need shall exceed His provision,
Our God ever yearns His resources to share;
Lean hard on the arm everlasting, availing;
The Father both thee and thy load will upbear.

His love has no limits, His grace has no measure,
His power no boundary known unto men;
For out of His infinite riches in Jesus
He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.



Ask the Lord for patience. My thought is God can change him I mean there is no limit to what God can do, but that change has to come from your hubs he has to want that change. I would give him another chance and truly put everything on the table for him to see. Take it from another guy we can be oblivious to a woman's feeling (I know I had been very oblivious) but I believe God can touch his heart and renew him but God won't work on someone that doesn't want to be worked on its not how God works!

 

[zaoman32]

I am soo discouraged. For as long as my husband and I have been married, my hubby has struggled with porn and talking to other girls. Every time I find out I express my heartache and hurt bc of this. He then promises it will never happen again. But then it does. Every time I start trusting him or gaining at least a little bit of hope it happens again. The longest he's gone WITHOUT doing it I would say has been at least 2 months. The last time it happened I told him I couldn't do this anymore, and my heart hurts too bad I can't take any more of it. He then swore to me he was going to be a better person, be more involved with God and that it would NEVER happen again. Well I jst found it again. And idk what to do. I highly doubt he has never met up with another girl and messed around. Sry so long, figured I should give the story. I jst really need some advice. I don't want to call it quits but I cannot be hurt anymore it's unbearable.

I know your situation because in my situation with my ex-wife, I was the husband you just described. I don't think you need to worry about him having a full on affair, but that doesn't make everything else he's doing ok. Someone mentioned getting him involved with an accountability partner. That wouldn't be a bad idea. If you really want to make the marriage work, set up some safeguards and ultimatums. Accountability partners, counseling, internet blockers, things like that, and make sure that when he does have a victory, be it 2 months, or even just one week. Celebrate with him. Let him know your proud of him an encourage him to keep it up. A wife who praises her husbands victories, and builds him up when he falls is priceless.

This is just an opinion, we've all had an opinion, as to be advice. He was caught once, promised to stop, and did it again. That shows right there that he isn't sincere about being faithful. This is hard because at times we depend on our husbands to be the strong one so it can be scary for a woman with three children to suddenly be on her own. IMO of course, he has continued after repeat promising to stop which means he isn't serious about stopping. Pray to GOD for guidance. GOD doesn't wish you to be cheated on and he is having relationships. GOD be with you.

I'm sorry, but you're way off base with this line. You've obviously never struggled with this type of thing and therefore have no clue what it's like, and no authority to make that kind of statement. Just because it's difficult to overcome does not make him insincere. It's called prayer and support. It might work more than a defeatist attitude.

 

[Lucy68]

So sorry you're hurting Steph ....remember you are greatly loved and He will hold you up through this!

 

[steph_rose88]

Yeah I understand I should be thinking of helping him rather than thinking of leaving. It's jst so hard, after 5 yrs of constantly being hurt and filled with empty promises. I jst don't understand what is so hard, jst STOP! He always says it's not worth losing me over.. ALWAYS says that.. okay? So why keep doing it KNOWING he might lose me doing it?? How does he not think of that while doing it and remember what he always tells me and jst NOT do it? I don't understand! If it were me, if I did something knowing I would lose my FAMILY over, it seems to me it would definetly be easy to take the high road! But no, after 5 ridiculous years he STILL doesn't get it! I feel like I should jst walk away and let him see what his actions have done.. otherwise he'll jst keep doing it....