If you fall in love, should you get married?

[presidente]

I haven't followed the seasons of 'The Bachelor' or 'The Bachelorette', but I have seen some episodes. I remember someone telling me years ago about this crazy game show where people get married at the end. So I did watch some of it.

One thing that seemed a bit too girly for me was how men and women would gush about falling in love, being in love, etc. It's a pretty shallow view of love. You have a group of women that are all competing for one man. So they think he's hot because the other girls like. He may be good-looking, built, and probably gets paid well at least for the duration of the show. They probably perceive him to be a star. The girls may have been pining away after him watching him get his heart broken in the last season.

They are in this spectacular environment, some beautiful mountain area, or some spectacular beach resort, kissing a lot. Then, low and behold, they feel like they are 'in love.' It's like the show manipulates them into feeling this way. The interviews probably intensify the emotions, as contestants talk about how much they love the person they are competing for.

The thing that strikes me as odd on the episodes I've seen is how the decisions are based on the 'connection'. It's about feelings, and they call it all 'being in love.'

Being in love is some kind of emotional holy grail in our culture. People seek for it. If it happens it's supposed to last a lifetime. But if you are married and you 'fall out of love' some people will tell you it's okay to get a divorce and find someone you really love.

It seems like a lot of marriage decisions are based on this feeling. This type of thinking effects Christians in this country, too. I've even heard this type of thinking overseas, far away from here. This preacher lady I met had married and divorced a Mormon. She wasn't a Mormon. I asked her why she married a Mormon. She said what could she do? She was in love. For me, marrying an unbeliever, Mormon's included, was just something that wasn't an option, so that was a strange answer for me.

Anyway, I'm all in favor of passionate, romantic feelings. I like those feelings in my own marriage and I like to remember how it felt meeting my wife back then, the excitement of new love, and all that good stuff. But I also notice the Bible doesn't say you have to 'be in love' to get married. It tells husbands to love their wives, and older women are to teach younger women to love their husbands. But it doesn't say "you have to be in love to get married." I think I heard a preacher say something about falling in love and getting married as a kid, and I thought it had to happen that way.

But now I realize there are probably over a billion people who marry the old fashioned way, some version of arranged marriage. I don't think this is invalid or illegitimate. I Disney movies it is. In Disney movies and a lot of other movies, the protagonist who the girl's father doesn't like has to keep her from the man her father has arranged for her.

Christian men married through arranged marries have to love their wives. The passion needs to be there, too. Proverbs 5 tells the man to let his wife's love always satisfy him. He is supposed to pursue her in terms of love and sexual fulfillment. I'm all for that. Praise God for it.

I'm wondering, how much has the idea of 'falling in love' affected your idea of what is necessary to get married? Could you be tempted to use 'falling in love' as an excuse to date or marry someone you shouldn't (e.g. an unbeliever, someone illegitimately divorced, someone separated, etc.)? Are there any other thoughts on this?

 

[Jullianna]

First of all I think those shows are absolutely ridiculous. Who wants to compete with a bunch of other women for the same guy like a pack of dogs fighting over a hunk of meat? Ugh... I do not and will not compete for a man. If his eyes and heart are not for me only, he needs to keep walking.

Secondly, no, I would not marry someone simply because I was in love with them. I have been in love before with someone who was not good for me and who would not have treated me well. If I don't know without question that they love me as I love them and trust them completely with all that I am, there will be no "I dos".

I was watching a movie yesterday where two women were talking. One asked the other one whether she loved the man whose picture she was swooning over. Her answer: "No, but it is better than being alone". Granted it was just a movie, but I have known women who have expressed the same opinion in real life. I can't wrap my head around this at all.

 

[presidente]

I think the scenario for the show is strange, too. For women, I can see them being more attractive if there is competition. But wanting a guy who makes out with all those girls, who is dating them at the same time, I can't see that. I think if a woman were dating a bunch of guys, especially kissing them, that would be a big turn off for me. Maybe the guys on the show don't care. The one who lasts till near the end and appeals to the audience may get his own show later on.

I thought the show was a good illustration about the way a lot of people think about love and the message we get from the media. A lot of emphasis is placed on ecstatic feelings that come from hormonal rushes that last a short time. Maybe we can explore the difference between love and being in love. How important is it to have those 'in love' feelings? What feelings are those exactly?

I'd had crushes and felt infatuated before I met my wife. I've never done recreational drugs, but I can imagine the feelings might be similar. Also, it was hard to eat when I was rather young and had those feelings and the girl was around at times.

With my wife, though, I was able to eat and felt comfortable with her, but had strong feelings for her and cared about her. I think some people are looking for a kind of drug rush from chemicals their body produces and treat that almost as something holy, and base their decision to marry on that.

 

[TigerScent777]

...if its long and deep enough; why not? isn't that supposed to be the reason to marry someone??

...I would hate to think of marrying someone for reasons 'other' than, love, passion and mutual desire for each other...

 

[Ritter]

Falling in love is not the same as commitment.

That doesn't mean that an intense emotional, psychological, and spiritual bond is not an important part of commitment.

 

[Shouryu]

Once again, for me, being in love, and crushing/being infatuated are VERY different things. Infatuation can be very intense, and can feel like love in various aspects...and time and maturity have allow me to discern the two.

The two women that I have truly, genuinely fallen in love with, I would have married, yes. But not simply because I loved them...one of the reasons I was in love with them was because I genuinely believed they were the right person for me.

It's very easy to crush on someone who's not right for you...and still be aware, in the midst of your infatuation, that this person is all wrong. The silly meat-market television shows aren't built around love, they're built around lust and infatuation, in my opinion. Falling love is a looooooooong process for me; I don't think I could fall in love in the time frame these shows are filmed in, hence why their liberal use of the L word pretty much makes it worthless.

 

[presidente]

...if its long and deep enough; why not? isn't that supposed to be the reason to marry someone??

...I would hate to think of marrying someone for reasons 'other' than, love, passion and mutual desire for each other...

I've been married for many years, so I am coming at this from a different perspective than many on this sub-forum. I think it would be foolish to get married if all you have is passionate mutual desire for each other, and you don't consider whether the other person is actually good wife-material (or husband-material) and how you two would get along as husband and wife.

Some women out there who look really good, are charming and are easy to talk to can make really bad wives.

I believe that a wife should submit to her husband. Suppose I had married a die-hard feminist who majored in women's studies and believed everything they taught her?

Just imagine if a woman is pretty and you have all kinds of chemistry with her, but she turns out to be a hot head who throws plates across the room? What if she's lazy and she leaves your babies in their diapers all day long so she can watch soap operas? Just marrying for passion is one of the reasons people end up in really lousy marriages.

As a Christian, I wanted a woman who really feared the Lord, who loved God with all of her heart. I was also looking for a virgin, like myself. When I met my wife, I spent time getting to know what her values were like. We had similar beliefs. I could see that she was a woman of prayer, a worshipper. Another issue I considered was whether it was God's will, and I prayed for direction about it. We had chemistry, too and love. We tried not to stir up the 'passions' too much, sexually I mean. I think we both knew that would be there from the chemistry. And after we married, it was certainly there.

 

[presidente]

Once again, for me, being in love, and crushing/being infatuated are VERY different things. Infatuation can be very intense, and can feel like love in various aspects...and time and maturity have allow me to discern the two.

The two women that I have truly, genuinely fallen in love with, I would have married, yes. But not simply because I loved them...one of the reasons I was in love with them was because I genuinely believed they were the right person for me.

It's very easy to crush on someone who's not right for you...and still be aware, in the midst of your infatuation, that this person is all wrong. The silly meat-market television shows aren't built around love, they're built around lust and infatuation, in my opinion. Falling love is a looooooooong process for me; I don't think I could fall in love in the time frame these shows are filmed in, hence why their liberal use of the L word pretty much makes it worthless.

It sounds like you are defining 'in love' to be something that turns out to be noble and worthwhile, and things that turn out to be less worthwhile as crushes, etc.

I hear people do that. "I thought I was in love, but it was just infatuation." They say that after it doesn't work out. It's like this idea that if you are in love, it works out, so if it doesn't, you just redefine it as not really being in love. Being in love is treated as this almost magic, almost religious thing.

 

[Liamson]

True Love is a Magical Religious thing. FACT.

Personal perspective

A line from one of my all time favorite movies is "Happiness is only real when shared."


Dating Relationships always feel like people building towards each other, like drawing closer, exploring, revealing, sharing, etc. Its always been a process of establishing what a relationship means and what it is capable of and where it is headed. It can be fun adventurous exciting to be filled with joy at the thought of who they are and what it feels like to spend time with them. People say I love you in the midst of this, and I think they mean it. But there is way more....


But, True Love happens when there is nothing left to reveal. When its not about the exploration of each other, It is about belonging, being understood and being completely accepted. In a sense it is about taking for granted that they are the other half of the equation. It exists without limits on Expression or Trust. It is the expectation, actualization and realization that the one person we want to share the rest of our life with, we get to keep. It is the Epiphany that we make someone else as happy as they make us and there is no other acceptable possible outcome. I ceases being about each other and becomes simply moving forward through life together as One entity.





Its like the difference between buying a car and paying it off. Yeah it feels good to buy a car but, you know its yours and nothing can take it away from you, when you have the title in your hand.

 

[Ritter]

True Love is a Magical Religious thing. FACT.

Personal perspective

A line from one of my all time favorite movies is "Happiness is only real when shared."


Dating Relationships always feel like people building towards each other, like drawing closer, exploring, revealing, sharing, etc. Its always been a process of establishing what a relationship means and what it is capable of and where it is headed. It can be fun adventurous exciting to be filled with joy at the thought of who they are and what it feels like to spend time with them. People say I love you in the midst of this, and I think they mean it. But there is way more....


But, True Love happens when there is nothing left to reveal. When its not about the exploration of each other, It is about belonging, being understood and being completely accepted. In a sense it is about taking for granted that they are the other half of the equation. It exists without limits on Expression or Trust. It is the expectation, actualization and realization that the one person we want to share the rest of our life with, we get to keep. It is the Epiphany that we make someone else as happy as they make us and there is no other acceptable possible outcome. I ceases being about each other and becomes simply moving forward through life together as One entity.





Its like the difference between buying a car and paying it off. Yeah it feels good to buy a car but, you know its yours and nothing can take it away from you, when you have the title in your hand.

I want to stick this on my fridge.

 

[AzureAfire]

True Love is a Magical Religious thing. FACT.

Personal perspective

A line from one of my all time favorite movies is "Happiness is only real when shared."


Dating Relationships always feel like people building towards each other, like drawing closer, exploring, revealing, sharing, etc. Its always been a process of establishing what a relationship means and what it is capable of and where it is headed. It can be fun adventurous exciting to be filled with joy at the thought of who they are and what it feels like to spend time with them. People say I love you in the midst of this, and I think they mean it. But there is way more....


But, True Love happens when there is nothing left to reveal. When its not about the exploration of each other, It is about belonging, being understood and being completely accepted. In a sense it is about taking for granted that they are the other half of the equation. It exists without limits on Expression or Trust. It is the expectation, actualization and realization that the one person we want to share the rest of our life with, we get to keep. It is the Epiphany that we make someone else as happy as they make us and there is no other acceptable possible outcome. I ceases being about each other and becomes simply moving forward through life together as One entity.





Its like the difference between buying a car and paying it off. Yeah it feels good to buy a car but, you know its yours and nothing can take it away from you, when you have the title in your hand.

Wow, brother...just wow what more can i say? You've said it all.

I could imagine Tom Cruise saying these, instead of that one line: "You complete me."

 

[Catlynn]

Alright, brace yourselves. This may be the longest reply I've written all year.



We just finished a Vacation Bible School at my church and I, along with a couple of other people, were in charge of the teaching part of each night. We decided to teach these kids about Love. We started the first night off by asking the kids what they thought love was and who they loved. Some said it was romantic, like when two people love each other. Others said they loved their pets. Some said they loved their siblings. A couple of kids said they loved pizza.....(and who doesn't?!?) The second night we went over 5 different kinds of love. Mania, Phileo, Storgy, Eros and Agape.

Quick lesson on love:

'Mania' - Is an obsessive, maniacal love. The, "It's so fluffy I could die!" kinda love. (I think this may be the pizza love.)
'Philos or Phileo' - Is a brother/friend kind of love. But not just that, it's about having common interests and it's a love that grows and builds on itself, much like a building. Half circumstantial and half about the commitment to one another.
'Storgy' - Is often referred to as 'Motherly Love' and is the kind of love one has for a dependent. It's strictly a relationship between the loveR and the lovEE.
'Eros' - This one is often talked of as the 'Romantic Love' and is where we get our word, 'Erotic' but Eros is not just romantic, it has everything to do with the emotions involved in love. That swooning feeling, the pitter patter of your heart. It's what makes you twitterpated! It's the insatiable desire to be near the target of your love. It is entirely based on circumstances. Alone, it is morally neutral, but can very easily lead to lust if left unchecked.
And interesting note: Eros isn't mentioned in the bible. o_o
Finally, 'Agapeo or Agape' - A lot of us know this as God's love for us but it is also the kind of love that we are commanded to have for one another. Agape love doesn't expect or require payment in response. In Philos it is a mutual love that comes from both parties contributing, but that is not the case with Agape. That's why it's possible to love our enemies, because it requires nothing from the recipient. It is not dependent on circumstances or feelings, it is a choice and commitment to choose what is best for the one being loved. It is a love freely given, and freely committed to.


Now that that is somewhat sorted out, I wanted to comment that I think 'falling in love' can be a combination of several of these things and is usually dependent on feelings and circumstances. That magical, scary feeling we get as we're in the process getting to know someone and they are getting to know us and the desire that we may grow to have to be near and with one another may grow during this time as well. The thing is, basing ANY kind of relationship on this kind of circumstantial and/or emotional love is a recipe for disaster. Circumstances can always change. Feelings can always change. But I think that this is why so many marriages and relationships end up failing, because even though they may have had all of those feelings, even though they may have grown as friends and have a bond where they are known and know the other person, they may have strong feelings and desires for one another, they may enjoy feeling needed or having their needs met, but making any of these the foundation of your relationship is like building a house on sinking sand. The only sure thing is that we have choice. No matter the situation, "for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health...", WE can choose what is best for them.
Hopefully, when choosing your life partner in crime, you consider someone who might do the same for you. That's where trust plays a huge part for me. I've always had the hardest time trusting that someone else would do that for me the same way that I would for them. Although I would still choose what was best for them, I couldn't choose to spend my life with someone who I knew to be driven by emotions that are constantly changing with the wind. I would want to be with someone who understood that it's going to be a long, hard, glorious road! I would want someone who understood that maintaining the feelings and circumstances we experienced within the first few months of our relationship may not always be possible, our choice to love one another and do what is best for one another (and God) is always possible.

I think a lot of times, for a lot of people, the focus is on either Agape or Eros, but I think it's important to understand that several of these come into play in a relationship and are FANTASTIC aspects of one but the foundation should be rooted in God (obviously) and in choosing what is best for the other person without expecting anything in return. This kind of love is about a commitment to the very best for another, no matter what emotions or feelings exist!

Oh, and by the last night of VBS, these kids had a firm grasp on what love is and isn't. What it looks like to love yourself and love your neighbor as yourself and that it has nothing to do with feelings either. It was really cool to see such young people grasping amazing truth and how to apply it!

And that's my two cents on the matter. Phew! hehe

 

[AzureAfire]

To speak my mind...*sigh* i just couldn't help it. Even though almost all the gems have already been laid out in the open XD

As awesome as falling in love feels, it's not the assurance that you have finally found "the one". It can't serve as one's radar for who deserves our lifelong devotion and commitment of loving and cherishing that person...having and holding them 'til death breaks the vow. Falling in love is like a flight of fancy...more often than not, it's based on first impressions that are unreliable gauges, specially if all you see is the best foot upfront. And, by personal experience, when you choose to see only what you want to see, which are the traits/features that appealed so much to you, that made you think "That's enough! I'm sold! He's the one i want! The rest i could just work with/fix/go around/tolerate." Sometimes, one can get so high on the love feeling, or being in-love with being in-love (if you get my drift), that we end up being foolish. We compromise our ideals, and think we've got nothing to lose, and have only everything good and awesome feelings to gain. Our bullheadedness could even come to a point when, even though everyone who cares about us tells us that we're wrong, we refuse to listen and adapt the mantra of "Love will keep us alive" and "You and me against the world". So, some folks get married based on the feeling, thinking they've got it made.

But alas, when the magic filter falls and the daydream ends...when you're no longer simply walking in the sunset, holding hands, eating ice cream and tickling each other...no longer simply sharing slow dances or romantic dinners...when reality reveals the bad tempers, harsh words, lack of maturity, selfishness and irresponsibilities as they lived together, worrying about bills, house chores, groceries, schedules, health problems...they see just how wrong they were about the choice that they made. They see that they couldn't stand each other after all...it's sad when conclusions like this are drawn. But it happens to so many couples, whose initial fiery romance end up in separation or divorce.

Marriage is a lifelong commitment. It shouldn't become a prison sentence of sorts. That's why choosing who you want to marry and spend the rest of your life with is so important. For me, it's like choosing what specialization i want to pursue in medicine. It's a big deal 'coz it will be my label. It's gonna be what i will be focusing on and will be devoting all my learning and training and service for the rest of my life. It should be something i'm passionate about, and would never tire of doing, discovering and rediscovering again and again. It took me 3 years after getting my license to decide what i really wanted to pursue. It's tough when your folks pressure you to proceed in training at once, saying time is being wasted, and that it doesn't matter what i take, as long as i finally become a resident. But i never gave in to them. I prayed hard. I don't want to make a move i will sorely regret. It's my life that's at stake, not theirs. I'm glad and at peace now that i finally set my heart on what i truly want, GOD be praised!!!

So that man that i will marry, he will be my label. I will bear his surname, and i want to proudly do so. Knowing that it's an honorable name that i love, respect and adore. I will be focusing on loving and supporting him in everything, and i will learn how to serve and make him happy, so therefore, he should be worthy of all that i am and have to give. Worthy and able to guard, and cherish my heart, as GOD so guides him. He should be someone that i know i truly, passionately delight myself with for all that he is, that i will never tire of being with him, discovering and rediscovering him again and again. He should be my brother in Christ, my bestfriend, my teammate, my complement. Someone who sees the real me, and completely accepts and loves me for me, as i see, accept and love him for all that he is. Someone who will grow with me deeper and deeper in the knowledge and love of our LORD, who is the center of our love, and draws us closer to HIM and to each other everyday.

*sigh* Now i'm wondering where could this guy be right now XD

 

[Liamson]

Wow, brother...just wow what more can i say? You've said it all.

I could imagine Tom Cruise saying these, instead of that one line: "You complete me."

Its funny you should mention that because, judt before I posted this, I watched that scene.

 

[TigerScent777]

To speak my mind...*sigh* i just couldn't help it. Even though almost all the gems have already been laid out in the open XD

As awesome as falling in love feels, it's not the assurance that you have finally found "the one". It can't serve as one's radar for who deserves our lifelong devotion and commitment of loving and cherishing that person...having and holding them 'til death breaks the vow. Falling in love is like a flight of fancy...more often than not, it's based on first impressions that are unreliable gauges, specially if all you see is the best foot upfront. And, by personal experience, when you choose to see only what you want to see, which are the traits/features that appealed so much to you, that made you think "That's enough! I'm sold! He's the one i want! The rest i could just work with/fix/go around/tolerate." Sometimes, one can get so high on the love feeling, or being in-love with being in-love (if you get my drift), that we end up being foolish. We compromise our ideals, and think we've got nothing to lose, and have only everything good and awesome feelings to gain. Our bullheadedness could even come to a point when, even though everyone who cares about us tells us that we're wrong, we refuse to listen and adapt the mantra of "Love will keep us alive" and "You and me against the world". So, some folks get married based on the feeling, thinking they've got it made.

But alas, when the magic filter falls and the daydream ends...when you're no longer simply walking in the sunset, holding hands, eating ice cream and tickling each other...no longer simply sharing slow dances or romantic dinners...when reality reveals the bad tempers, harsh words, lack of maturity, selfishness and irresponsibilities as they lived together, worrying about bills, house chores, groceries, schedules, health problems...they see just how wrong they were about the choice that they made. They see that they couldn't stand each other after all...it's sad when conclusions like this are drawn. But it happens to so many couples, whose initial fiery romance end up in separation or divorce.

Marriage is a lifelong commitment. It shouldn't become a prison sentence of sorts. That's why choosing who you want to marry and spend the rest of your life with is so important. For me, it's like choosing what specialization i want to pursue in medicine. It's a big deal 'coz it will be my label. It's gonna be what i will be focusing on and will be devoting all my learning and training and service for the rest of my life. It should be something i'm passionate about, and would never tire of doing, discovering and rediscovering again and again. It took me 3 years after getting my license to decide what i really wanted to pursue. It's tough when your folks pressure you to proceed in training at once, saying time is being wasted, and that it doesn't matter what i take, as long as i finally become a resident. But i never gave in to them. I prayed hard. I don't want to make a move i will sorely regret. It's my life that's at stake, not theirs. I'm glad and at peace now that i finally set my heart on what i truly want, GOD be praised!!!

So that man that i will marry, he will be my label. I will bear his surname, and i want to proudly do so. Knowing that it's an honorable name that i love, respect and adore. I will be focusing on loving and supporting him in everything, and i will learn how to serve and make him happy, so therefore, he should be worthy of all that i am and have to give. Worthy and able to guard, and cherish my heart, as GOD so guides him. He should be someone that i know i truly, passionately delight myself with for all that he is, that i will never tire of being with him, discovering and rediscovering him again and again. He should be my brother in Christ, my bestfriend, my teammate, my complement. Someone who sees the real me, and completely accepts and loves me for me, as i see, accept and love him for all that he is. Someone who will grow with me deeper and deeper in the knowledge and love of our LORD, who is the center of our love, and draws us closer to HIM and to each other everyday.

*sigh* Now i'm wondering where could this guy be right now XD

...now that just resonates with me...I like that...

 

[AzureAfire]

Its funny you should mention that because, judt before I posted this, I watched that scene.

Oh, really?! Double WOW... What are the odds of that? XD that's really interesting

I really couldn't help but think of that scene as i was reading your post, hence my reply. You've said everything that that scene was all about at the very core. I'm thinking of saving it in my PC. It's golden.

 

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

I would say something.... buuuuut i might get asked to leave this thread to.

So i shant say a word, but just know i'm thinking things about this!!

 

[Shouryu]

I would say something.... buuuuut i might get asked to leave this thread to.

So i shant say a word, but just know i'm thinking things about this!!

Meh. Say what's on your mind, Holly. Keren didn't start this thread. *smirk*

(I can haz things to add as well, but I'mma have to attack it a little later.)

 

[presidente]

Finally, 'Agapeo or Agape' - A lot of us know this as God's love for us but it is also the kind of love that we are commanded to have for one another. Agape love doesn't expect or require payment in response. In Philos it is a mutual love that comes from both parties contributing, but that is not the case with Agape. That's why it's possible to love our enemies, because it requires nothing from the recipient. It is not dependent on circumstances or feelings, it is a choice and commitment to choose what is best for the one being loved. It is a love freely given, and freely committed to.

'Agape' is not always used in the most positive contexts. Demas abandoned Paul because he agaped this present world. In the Septuigint, Amnon agaped his sister Tamar before he raped her.

 

[maxwel]

Just a quick bit of input on reality shows.

The "reality" shows, put out a "casting call" to "entertainment agencies",
who contact their "actors", and tell them to go "audition".


I could go on... but this should be enough to make the point.