Dating without pastoral approval

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Jordache

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Here's the background. I had been very close to two of my pastors up until about 6 months ago for one, and 3 months ago for the other. They were my support system during the course of my separation and divorce. And while I was struggling to become comfortable relating to women, they were my confidants. The best way I can explain it is that my relationships with them served as an incubator. They were very sensitive as I went through almost two yrs of being suicidal and self-harming, trying to figure out who I was. However, I wasn't challenged to apply all they said because I was very protected. One of them developed an attraction for me and it totally threw me for a loop. Our relationship was drawn nearly to an end very quickly. Both of these men were like fathers to me. They took me in and proclaimed a fathers heart for me.
About 3 months ago I began dating a man who though he is young at heart is much older than I am. The age difference to us makes very little difference. We started the pursuit and quickly began dating though the connection we felt sort of took us by surprise. Because of my status in the church, and the age difference, we chose to be quiet about it. In struggling to find the right time to tell the pastor we ended up looking like we were trying to hide it. Partly we were scared, but partly we just wanted to keep things on the down low. Anyways, the pastor basically told my bf EVERYTHING he knew about me...every ugly detail he could come up with, including things he had been furious with me for revealing. I know he did it from a good place but it still sucks.
In the meeting we had he basically ripped me to shreds.

So here's the request. I am still struggling with the fact that he made me look like a complete loser with all the confedential information he shared about me. He is completely against this relationship. The other pastor who knows me well is moderately concerned, but not totally against the relationship.

We have done all we can to make it a comfortable transition and make sure we aren't doing anything weird in public, but my pastor who kicked me out of his kinship that same day we had the meeting treats me like I have them plague. At some point I don't want to be so concerned about another's opinion, but he is my pastor. We did pray and decide upon the break he decided. We have tried our best to be respectful and still be independent, but its hard to know what to do.
 
Jesus said Love each other as I have loved you. Even when others dont operate the same way we are to obey. I pray that your relationship is God blessed and from the Lord if it is may it prosper.
 
Pastors are paid to, and given legal protection for, the keeping of confidences. I believe I have just lost any respect for the aforementioned pastor. Time to think about whose headship your ministry belongs under.

I suppose now you will know whether your bf cares about you for you.
 
He really should know better than that. Sounds like he let his emotions come first, before rationality. Is he making it uncomfortable for you at church? Is he badgering the two of you in any way? Personally I would go call him out on his behavior, and if that doesn't do any good, consult the other pastor about this.
 
He isn't really doing anything upfront to "badger" us, but my bf is his good friend. Things are awkward between him and I because he decided we needed new boundaries because he was becoming too involved in my life and knew more about me than his own kids. He just avoids me in awkward ways.
 
First off you were involved in deception by hiding the relationship(s). Then the pastor broke confidentiality. Now it sounds like the whole thing is just a mess... and who do we know who spreads deception, breaks confidentialities, and generally likes to mess things up? Sounds like satan is running roughshod on all of you.

Just out of curiosity, is this the pastor who named you Jordache?
 
That is the same pastor. There was deception which we confessed and asked for forgiveness for. Though it really wasn't our intention it did come off that way. But actually he normally calls me Mija.
 
No pastor has the authority to condemn or approve your choices in relationship, regardless of how close or not you were to them. This is between you, God and the man you are dating.

If I was in that position, I would be gone from that church in a second. I left a church for a pastor ripping Scripture out of context to support his tenuous plans for the church. Also a control freak.

Praying you will walk away, and that your bf is able to understand that none of us is perfect, or we would not need a Saviour.
 
Anyways, the pastor basically told my bf EVERYTHING he knew about me...every ugly detail he could come up with, including things he had been furious with me for revealing. I know he did it from a good place but it still sucks.
In the meeting we had he basically ripped me to shreds.
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Firstly, this attack (and it is an attack) upon you and your personage from this pastor, I feel has come from a jealous heart, and as far as I am concerned he should NOT be a pastor! What an evil thing he has done.

Seondly, there is absolutely NO scriptural principle that a pastor should be telling you who you should date or marry, that is between you, the other person and God...period! God will guide you directly. Rom 8v14

Yahweh Shalom
 
jb said:
Firstly, this attack (and it is an attack) upon you and your personage from this pastor, I feel has come from a jealous heart, and as far as I am concerned he should NOT be a pastor! What an evil thing he has done.

Seondly, there is absolutely NO scriptural principle that a pastor should be telling you who you should date or marry, that is between you, the other person and God...period! God will guide you directly. Rom 8v14

Yahweh Shalom
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Just want to add to the above...

A Pastor (male or female) should never minister to another person by themselves, they should ALWAYS have another person present (of the opposite sex), preferbly their spouse. This is to ensure that the Pastor (or the person he/she is ministering to) does not develop any emotional attachment to them, also, it ensures that everything looks proper to the rest of the flock and the outsider and if any allegations of wrong conduct is tabled, then there is also a 3rd party present to give an account of what happened.
 
A Pastor (male or female) should never minister to another person by themselves...
Click to expand...

'To the opposite sex' is what I had in mind...
 
Jordache said:
Here's the background. I had been very close to two of my pastors up until about 6 months ago for one, and 3 months ago for the other. They were my support system during the course of my separation and divorce. And while I was struggling to become comfortable relating to women, they were my confidants. The best way I can explain it is that my relationships with them served as an incubator. They were very sensitive as I went through almost two yrs of being suicidal and self-harming, trying to figure out who I was. However, I wasn't challenged to apply all they said because I was very protected. One of them developed an attraction for me and it totally threw me for a loop. Our relationship was drawn nearly to an end very quickly. Both of these men were like fathers to me. They took me in and proclaimed a fathers heart for me.
About 3 months ago I began dating a man who though he is young at heart is much older than I am. The age difference to us makes very little difference. We started the pursuit and quickly began dating though the connection we felt sort of took us by surprise. Because of my status in the church, and the age difference, we chose to be quiet about it. In struggling to find the right time to tell the pastor we ended up looking like we were trying to hide it. Partly we were scared, but partly we just wanted to keep things on the down low. Anyways, the pastor basically told my bf EVERYTHING he knew about me...every ugly detail he could come up with, including things he had been furious with me for revealing. I know he did it from a good place but it still sucks.
In the meeting we had he basically ripped me to shreds.

So here's the request. I am still struggling with the fact that he made me look like a complete loser with all the confedential information he shared about me. He is completely against this relationship. The other pastor who knows me well is moderately concerned, but not totally against the relationship.

We have done all we can to make it a comfortable transition and make sure we aren't doing anything weird in public, but my pastor who kicked me out of his kinship that same day we had the meeting treats me like I have them plague. At some point I don't want to be so concerned about another's opinion, but he is my pastor. We did pray and decide upon the break he decided. We have tried our best to be respectful and still be independent, but its hard to know what to do.
Click to expand...

Run!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
You have through this been shown truth that this Pastor is selfish and does nit have God's Love in him, whether you are making the right choice or not, it is not up to him. He is not nor anyone else in between God and you only Christ Jesus is.
So in your heart please quit second guessing and here what God is saying in your heart.
Is God a god of Love? Has God condemned anyone one of us, He did nor he said were are your accusers, they all have left and neither do I (Jesus) accuse you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This man is in the wrong for airing your private business to anyone else, and he did it for this man to leave you, because he himself wants you and it is not good, for anyone to take anyone's free will away, and this is what God does not rejoice in at all RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, Leave, this Pastor is full of deceit, been there seen this myself and ran from Evil, after finally seeing bold face right in front of me.
Yet if you decide to stay, be aware full wise as a serpent, so you will not be pulled in and deceived by people that are evil that masquerade as good when they are not.
Ask this Pastor to repent of this bad behavior have your BF there with you and maybe a few others for truth to be exposed and if he doesn't wipe the dust off your feet as you walk out. Give everyone the Benefit of a doubt, yet no one has the right to air my business to anyone else ever, that is not loving ones neighbor at all, no matter how it is dressed up, period
As you can see how this has stirred up a wound, and rightfully so.
No one has the right top take away anyone else's free will ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Jordache said:
He isn't really doing anything upfront to "badger" us, but my bf is his good friend. Things are awkward between him and I because he decided we needed new boundaries because he was becoming too involved in my life and knew more about me than his own kids. He just avoids me in awkward ways.
Click to expand...

Sorry Jordache maybe see it this way
All things work towards the good of God, those are of God that believe in God
This is for you so thank God as well for this to be shown truth of all mankind, how they really do not put all their trust in God thanks to emotions that cloud reality
 
Jordache said:
That is the same pastor. There was deception which we confessed and asked for forgiveness for. Though it really wasn't our intention it did come off that way. But actually he normally calls me Mija.
Click to expand...

careful. learn from this to see (not in fear) to be wise as a serpent and harmless as a dove, so you can avoid future dis appointments in trusting another person rather than God who I am sure somehow tried to warn you, but allowed it for you to learn from, and not to have a hard heart a loving one, and this does not mean by a loving one you have to hang out there
 
Well the end of it, is your bf now knows a lot of stuff about you.
Did that change your relationship in a bad way ?
If not the end result may be good and if yes, then you ought to reconsider your choise of bf.

As for your pastor, well god made it very clear, that this man can never be your support or confidant again.
Your bf now knowing all the sad details, might be able to become your new confidant, as a sprouse should be !

You never needed the approval of your pastor, you just should have gods approval towards your bf.
so praying is in order, but the relationship is only between you, god and your bf.

I can understand a former confidant to be cautious and warning about a new relationship, but he does
not decide for you and he is never allowed to betray your trust. Which is what he did to you.
Pray for that pastor too, if you can, for that man is not in a good place at the moment.
 
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