what did i get myself into?

[slnoble21]

I have been married to my husband for 3 1/2 years now. Its been really hard. Chaos from the beginning. I guess I was young and not really sure what I was getting into. There were plenty of red flags but I just ignored them. He is a very confrontational person. Any opportunity for a fight or an argument or a yelling and cussing match he is there.. not only with me but his friends and family and even strangers. I have never met someone so angry but here he is... Honestly I have tried to hang in there but I am worn thin. He hurt his back working construction about 3 years ago... now hes addicted to pain pills and has become very very lazy.... He is not hurt as bad as he sais he his, i think he just liked the free money and narcotics. I work 50 hours a week for a cleaning company, I am living paycheck to paycheck.. I pay all the bills groceries gas.. he started going to school and took out a large loan and blew it all on toys... and now i cant even get him to do his homework. Its just a never ending story... im constantly trying to stay afloat and not fall into a depression.. while my husband sleeps 12-14 hours a day im struggling to keep the bills paid and the house in decent shape. I know i am ranting but i felt like i had to tell a little bit of background. I'm wondering how god feels about my emotions towards my husband. Honestly I'm not in love with him... i feel a lot of hatred and bitterness towards this man.. I feel like he has stolen all of my joy and he his dragging me in the dirt. He has more baggage then i know how to handle at this point in my life.. and i just cant see it getting better. If i were to get a divorce would i be sinning or do you think god would see me as pursuing a better life? I really just want a cleaner life style without the lies and tricks and hatefullness that gets thrown at me on a daily basis. last night he got in 6 fights with two of his friends in front on 8 kids including his 5 yo, my stepson.. he is all cut up and sore. I feel guilty because i wished i could have taken us all home and gotten out of the situation.. but i had 3 beers and did not want to drive and wreck. a friends laptop got broken that i have to now pay for, he was drunk but even sober he will behave like this. this is not the first or last time something like this will happen. I cant even go to the grocery store without him blowing up on me in front of everyone. he has rear ended my car with his trucked stolen my car from my job so i could not go anywhere but home, kicked down doors. broken my things, choked me, busted my lip and multiple other things... ugh! I feel trapped because i said my vows.. our relationship is not always bad.. i guess i have stuck around because even though i said i don't love him its kind of hard not to love someone you have been with for a few years. we have been through hell and back and there's too much to write down.. He has made me grow up and be a hard woman who is quite fearless.. but he has rubbed off on me is so many ways i cant stand myself anymore. just need advice and someone to talk too.

 

[damombomb]

Hi snloble 21, have you tried fasting and praying for your husband? Will he go to church?

 

[kenisyes]

choked me, busted my lip and multiple other things... ugh!

This is the key phrase. If this is true, get out now. This is abuse, and part of the pattern is you will not feel like leaving. Get to a woman's shelter, stay there, and get some counselling, before he hurts you seriously. You can find the woman's shelter by going to any local pastor or social or welfare worker, or police officer. They all have the contact info.

You suggest that he may have changed because he hurt his back. I do not know. You need to worry about you first. This whole situation needs to be evaluated by a trained professional social worker, and that starts with the emergency shelter. You don't need to be hard and fearless, you need to get the system involved before this gets any worse.

 

[slnoble21]

no i have not tried fasting. i have prayed a lot. How do you fast?

 

[slnoble21]

I have been in a shelter. I left my husband for a week.. He convince me to come back. and here I am. I just don't know if i have the strength to even walk out and stay away. He gets violent and threatens people who are helping me. If I had family here with me I believe it would be easier. But he convinced me to move 1300 miles away from everyone i knew. silly on my part.

 

[kenisyes]

Get out and stay out. You are an abused wife, and one day he is going to hurt you, or maybe kill you.

Were you in an abused women's shelter? These are hidden places (safe houses), and the husband cannot find you. You also need counselling.

I have been involved enough with this ministry to know that it is almost impossible to get the woman to leave and not go back. I say again, get out, stay out, stay hidden, get counselling from a real social worker, put the time into it, get a restraining order if that is what they suggest.

Professionals know that all the rationalizations are irrelevant, as they are all part of the problem. At this stage, only behavior matters, not reasoning, feelings, or even "what God wants", etc., as you are in no condition to see any of this correctly. Get out now.

 

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

Why is your 5 year old step son at a party where his dad is drunk and you are drinking??? Bad decision.

If he's hurting you, i believe separating would be wise. Moving somewhere else until he can get himself under control.

This is the man you married, i'm sure he didn't just wake up one morning and become this angry person. I don't believe divorcing him so you can pursue a better life is biblical.

 

[ladylynn]

I'm so sorry you are going through this slnoble21 There r no easy answers for relationship problems. Rage comes from somewhere in your husands life and alcohol is not helping. It took years getting there and it will take time learning how to have a healthy marriage relationship and family. You didn't mention if you know the Lord Jesus as your Saviour. He can lead u out as you depend on Him to show the way. To not feel the horrible anger and bitterness towards your husband and the guilt and confusion you r going through. Divorce is a very serious thing to go through. Get counselling to find out where you both went wrong along the way of your lives.

You mentioned there r children envolved. Being hit in any way by a man is NEVER ACCEPTABLE. And the kids seeing this has already damaged their view of life. Dad being angry all the time effects the children where they will feel it is their fault amoung other issues they will no doubt develope. 8 children? or only the 5 yr. old.

God can begin to show you how to become a strong wife who could lead by example. Not using money for alcohol for yourself and your husband; adding to his rage issues. (alcohol makes these things even worse) not allowing yourself to be the one to pay for your husbands breaking other peoples property. It is his responsibilty as an adult to fix his own mess. Sounds like your husband is possibly an alcoholic and also escapes in the drugs and yelling at everyone and on and on it goes. And you may be rescueing him each time he messes up?? This is a down ward spiral.

There is a starting point for you and my prayer is for you to first have a relationship with the Lord Jesus. Jesus came to deliver us from the trap of sin and confusion. To have a hope and a future with God here and in heaven. He loves us and wants to take control of our lives and bring peace and joy.

Finding a support system maybe AA and marriage counseling in a good church or someone with Jesus wisdom. Sounds like maybe you and your husband have had this sort of relationship for some time but now with adult responsibilies as parents and home, bills, employment responsibilities there is no more room for irrisponsible living. It takes 2 to make a marriage. Don't run to the divorce court till you both get some help finding out how to get on track together and hopefully forgive each other and go on together. Or the problems could follow in the next relationships you both may get into after divorce.

You are only 23 and there is time to get help for you, your husband and your children and marriage before more damage is done. Change is always possible if we r willing to let God change us. He wants to be your answer. "Come unto me all you who are heavy laden and I will give you rest..."

Pray for God to show you the way. He loves you more than you know. ladylynn

 

[slnoble21]

it was a party for the kids too.. limbo, musical chairs, tag, pin the tail on the donkey, bingo, we were supposed to stay the night and enjoy ourselves but two hotheats got in the same room together. And my husband has been then way as long as i have know him, i did not say that he just woke up one day and was angry. he has been to anger management 5 times and we have gone to marraige counceling and i have tried everything i know.. but thanks for your input.

 

[slnoble21]

thank you ladylynn, what you said makes plenty of sense. My counselor said the same, that i was playing rescue, I dont know how to make my husband own up to his responsibilities. But i know i can own up to mine. Leading by example has not proved to work yet but with consistency im sure it will prove its point. And yes i do believe in jesus christ and that he died for our sins. It is difficult for me to put my trust into someone that i cannot see hear or even feel most of the time. I know he sais draw close to me.. and i am just at loss for how to do so. Life is so chaotic its hard to catch a moment of peace. Its hard to even think straight most of the time. Thank you for you prayers.

 

[ladylynn]

I have been in a shelter. I left my husband for a week.. He convince me to come back. and here I am. I just don't know if i have the strength to even walk out and stay away. He gets violent and threatens people who are helping me. If I had family here with me I believe it would be easier. But he convinced me to move 1300 miles away from everyone i knew. silly on my part.

Just re-read your answer to kenisyes and YES, You r an abused wife. You already left and came back and your husband got violent and threatened people who helped you? he is out of control. Threats to you and other people. You r an abused wife. This pattern is one of abusive husbands and abused wives. I agree with kenisyes. He most likely will hurt you MORE. Go back to where your family is and make sure you do not let it get to the point of your husband hurting you AGAIN. Find out the steps to take to find help for battered women. When u r in the situation, u do not see clearly the fact your husband is a man who uses threats and intimidation to make you do what he wants. Guilt and manipulation is a tool used by alcoholics. do not take a chance., make him get help, also, his 5yr old is in need of being protected. The help is there for you and your step son and husband, so please go get it. We will be praying for you slnoble21 ladylynn

 

[nogaaa]

jesus with u .... Remember the verse that says I can do all thing through Christ who strengthens me

 

[ladylynn]

No you can't make your husband do anything -especially- own up to his responsibilities. But you know this is not working what you r doing now with the times u already did get counseling and your husbands anger management classes. You said you can own up to your own responsibilites and that is so good
Doing what you know is right regardless of what anyone else does is not easy.,it takes time to gain confidence slnoble21.

You have already done the counselling thing.,been told u r rescueing your husband. So what is the next step? Did you get any advice from the counselor? if your husband is still getting drunk and making you handle the responsibility for his personal issues.. breaking other people's property, infront of kids at a party? It is our responsibility to step back and let people in our lives, husband in your case- deal with the consequences of his actions.

Not saying divorce and no hope for his getting better, but leaving him to deal with money, alcohol, bills, without you to blame or lean on. Have u been told this already slnoble?

Be safe and make a HUGE decision and make it stick. Don't tell your husband, just make your plan and go so he doesn't have the chance to use the same guilt to keep u from leaving. This is not your fault that he is drinking and breaking things and raging at others with threats. You have to do what is right regardless of what your husband is doing. He is not able to make family choices right now like you need him to do.

We can't see Jesus with our physical eyes. or hear Him with our ears. But He speaks to us through His word and truth in our lives. You are at a loss, but Jesus is never at a loss. He is able to save your soul, so He is sure able to save your life and lead you to a safe place. "Faith" is something we believe without proofs. We trust His love for us. You said you believe in Jesus Christ and that He died for our sins... Did He die for your sins personally slnoble21? do you know Him personally as the One who loved you enough to die on the cross for you. That is how much He loves us and how he relates to each of us. Personally meeting us where we are and drawing us up to where He is. To see the truth where we couldn't before.

And maybe you didn't need Jesus before as much as you have been forced to NEED help now. Our security is not in people but in Jesus only. He will do what He says and we can count on it. Just take one step at a time. He won't begin taking care of these issues if you won't give them to Him in FAITH.
Like when the children of Israel crossed the Red Sea... they had to take the steps before the water parted.
I'll be praying for you little sister. We all have to make those steps without anything but unseen faith. You r not alone. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean NOT to your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths." He did it for me and He will do it for you. He is not a respector of persons. He loves you and He promised. ladylynn

 

[intercessorginger]

I don't like the abusive sound of the relationship(, kicked down doors. broken my things, choked me, busted my lip). Peolpe like this need a lot of help and you are not the one to give it to them. When an abusive relationship goes this far, it can go further into worse violence against you and then the children, and you don't want to be around for that. If it's true that ". He has made me grow up and are a hard woman who is quite fearless"then you will have the strength to protect yourself and your children and get out while you still can.

 

[presidente]

I don't believe it is right for you to divorce and remarry. It sounds like you are in a very bad situation, though. You do need to stay safe.

If he has substance abuse issues, you can still make choices of your own. For example, never get drunk. According to the Bible you are not supposed to anyway. But also since you are married to a man addicted to pain pills, by your example, you want to encourage the kind of household where there is no substance abuse by your example.

On your side of things, you can really pray and seek God for him. If you are staying with him, follow I Peter 3 and Ephesians 5, and be respectful and submit to him.

Is he willing to go 'get help' for the pain pill issues? Maybe there are some folks who can talk some sense into him that he doesn't fight with, a father, grandfather, brother, or someone else.

 

[ptlman]

WOW!!!!!!!Sorry to hear about the heartache that u r experiencing. I hate that u r being treated like u r. My heart always goes out to those who r being abused and used. This situation, in my own opinion, would be one in which I'd recommend a divorce. God doesn't want u to play with fire and thats what ur husband seems like he is. On the other hand, God could do a mighty work in his life. I would recommend some prayer, fasting, and spiritual counsel from ur Pastor.If u need an ear to vent (actually eyes) u can always pm me. Ill pray for this situation. Keep ur eyes focused on Him!!!!!!!!

 

[Lucy68]

Wow...sounds like you've really TRIED to make the marriage work. God definitely honors those attempts! I think this would fall under 'allowable reasons for divorce' as in emotional and spiritual abandonment. A wife doesn't have to tolerate physical or emotional abuse. That is not what marriage is all about. Yet, God hates divorce, which I think means try to work with your husband through the Holy Spirit until you think that all hope is gone. Then, you won't later be asking yourself, 'did I give it enough time and energy?'. Stay close to God in this and He will show you the way. Study His Word, pray, attend church regularly, fellowship with other Christians, eliminate as much sin as you can from your own life...God gives us ways of communicating with Him, we just have to do it.

When you do think you've given it your all and must escape and start a new life (if that is what God leads you to), then is it possible to move closer to your family? If your husband continues in anger and resentment, he will really make you pay for leaving him. Some hateful spouses rationalize to themselves 'if I can't have her/him, then nobody can'. God wants you to be SAFE!

Praying for you....for God to keep your heart open and soft yet protected...may He lead you into green pastures .

 

[IDEAtor]

I don't judge you.
It is not your fault.
And I am sorry.
(Oh, and my thoughts are meant to inspire better ones.
They are not meant to be the answers for your situation.)

Let me offer myself to be in your situation, then I would give different advice. Sorry for the pain and feelings of it.

Your pain is phenomenally deep and the brute abuses. He can have good moments, sure. According to your words, he is dangerous at times-- and you have children. Not only are you being abused, your children are learning very dangerous lessons-- one way or the other.

I agree that a restraining order and separation-- not divorce-- be your next move. If he is currently abusive, get out and go where he never would imagine. Instead of church on Sunday, you may go to a different church or no church at all. The main thing here is safety for you and the kids, and staying focused on God in prayer, scripture, and fellowship with believers.
If your husband is tech savvy, I suggest that you find someone to help you cover your tracks in certain areas.

Notice.
I had a less violent situation happen in my world as a kid.
My dad and mom split for 3 years.
He went to jail, counseling, and became a different person over that time.
...a better person.
Because I saw this as a child AND YET witness a new him now, I believe God changes all people-- even difficult ones.
I also believe in human intervention, though.

Since a 3 year separation happened and my parents worked on getting back together while apart,
I am a firm believer that marriages can go through "hell and back." BUT I think even marriage partners need a break sometimes... if even 3 years.

Having written a testimony to what separation vs. divorce can do,
I urge you, when possible, keep his name good.
As evil and wicked a person can be, Jesus died for that person.
God can save the remnant, even create a remnant-- out something really, really, absurdly bad.

Make haste to protect the children, yourself, and follow God.

I don't know your pain, but I can imagine the situation.
So...so...so... sorry.

 

[Stanelake]

I don't believe divorcing him so you can pursue a better life is biblical.

Its easier to say for an observer. Some of us wish we had not met our spouses because we are bound by our words/vows yet in reality you are now commiting sin (lust/adultery, anger/murder...) Spouses taking advantage of you, not appreciating, verbal abuse, demeaning language. This destroys ones self esteem and purposefulness. Is it not better to leave and regain your soul rather that wither away in an abusive environment that kills your love for God and you all go to hell?

 

[MrOrganic100]

Yet another example of people not taking the Bible seriously. Same old same old