I definitely agree Zone that I shouldn't do this, but what if your chief trigger is a big dose of fear? What if your fear causes you to go wayward? Proverbs 29:25 "Fear of man is a powerful snare, but he who trusts in the Lord is kept safe". I tend to have a fear that is unhealthy for me, and I have terrible urges to act out and be crazy. I tend to get afraid of things, especially women. I tended in the past to run away from girls because I was just too tempted by them. Girls were just so hard to approach and talk to for me, and I really didn't know any girls that were truly into me. I was a nerd in school, and the girls just passed over me. Girls didn't want me. But if I had to be honest with you, I was afraid to go after girls. I instantly assumed rejection. Whenever I saw a really gorgeous girl, I instantly assumed that she was out of my league and could not go after her. I was afraid that I would be seen as a loser basically. I dealt with really low esteem and really lowered myself to where I thought I needed 'that girl' to make me feel special.
Then add in that I used to watch pornography and listen to love songs (which are also damaging). I used to listen to love songs all the time, where they were all needy. I ended up being a needy lovebird, falling in love for anything that I wanted to complete me. That left my heart scarred by years of rejection. Girls that I did have crushes would never like me back and it hurt a lot to hear their "No". After one girl rejected me, I actually was diagnosed with depression. For about six months, I took antidepressants and Xanax to help me become less depressed and anxious. And what was the root cause for this? It was the result of looking for love in places other than God's arms. So I basically vowed that I would never fall in love again. For a long time I gave up on love and stopped trying. I still don't know if that was safe.
So I grew afraid to be in love. I am afraid to be in love, and take the risks. But I am also afraid of the sexual attraction. I am afraid I will get too aroused and just be out of control. Like Joseph with Potiphar's wife, I really don't want to defile a woman, and ultimately sin against God this way. I really struggle with lust, and I fear that getting around a girl would only make my struggles even worse. But my main desire is to find a great girl, marry her, and love her like I am loving myself. Bones of my bones, flesh of my flesh. Yet at the same time, I really have always wanted to be that close to somebody to where I say I love them. I have always wanted a relationship with such depth that they would just know me. I have never had that type of relationship before. All my relationships are so superficial to be honest. I don't have anybody that I don't know beyond surface level. Matter of fact, I struggle letting people get past the surface. I honestly don't know if they would like me that way. So to have more meaningful and satisfying relationships is something I really want, and it's such a struggle for me.
So right now, I am fighting a war. I am in a war of not wanting find love, yet still desiring companionship. I am in a war, and I feel like I am losing it too.
Dilemma.
