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I don't say this to call attention to myself, but I only do this to get something off my chest. I only say this because I want to be real and authentic and because I can always need encouragement. I would hate to be living a lie and to be concealing something really destructive inside of me that can hurt my relationship with God. So bear with me as I begin a confession.
When I was ten years old (around then), I have been addicted to pornography. A friend of mine showed me a sex tape that was made by another friend's mom and dad. It was "supposedly" private, but apparently it was no secret for me. I saw it, and I saw my friend's mom nude. To this day, I still remember the day that I first saw it and remember it in a sense. It still holds memory in my brain. Who would have known that at around that time in the fifth grade would lead me to looking more and more as a teenager?
I didn't just start with pornography. I took progressive steps there. I would look at the uncut music videos on television, the late-night erotica, Girls Gone Wild, HBO, Cinemax, and would watch racy movies all the time. All of this later escalated into looking for and finding internet porn. My parents did not have any knowledge that I had been doing this. I kept all of this a secret from them and from everyone. All throughout my teenage years, my problem just grew and grew.
A couple of viruses, a couple times getting caught, a couple times staying up until 4:00 a.m., never could stop me from looking at it. I was just addicted to it. It was almost as if I couldn't function without doing it. My life was just consumed by pornography. I bowed to it and to the women on the screen. I would look at it for perhaps 6, 7, 8 hours a day after getting home from school. I would do my homework during lunchtime and skip lunch just so I would have more time to look at porn when I got home. I didn't really do sports or arts and dedicate myself to them because I would dedicate myself to pornography after school. The worst part was that no one could ever catch on that I had problems inside. I was just a really good hider. I was a straight A student, an advanced student, and on the academic team in high school. People just knew me as some really nice guy.
But I never felt like I was a nice guy. I always felt like a pervert. I couldn't ever focus on girls. I would always objectify them, lust for them, and peek at their bodies. I really couldn't do well with girls. I didn't do well talking to them and didn't really have good relationships at all with people in general. Girls and guys. I guess I spent so much time inside looking at pornography that I really didn't know how to love another person beside myself. Plus, I didn't want anybody to know that I was addicted to pornography because I didn't want anybody else to find out. So I had no real relationships and struggle with the ones I had. I always felt I was holding back because I couldn't talk about this. And the pornography would always help me with my anxiety issues.
So from 11 to 21, I would daily go on the computer and masturbate to pornography. I couldn't kick the habit at all. It was stuck to me and the pictures and videos would replay in my head over and over again. I really was so enslaved to it. Gratefully, I never entered into any relationships or anything. I haven't even been on a date in my life. I'm grateful for not doing that. Then at age 21, I gratefully found Christ. Better yet, he came into my life. I gave my life to Him and I love it now. The only thing is that 2 years later, I am still in a struggle. I go to recovery groups and have told some people about my issues. My church for the most part knows the problem. But it's still a struggle and it's still a fight to go against it. I feel like I am not hopeless and powerless to stop it. The power of God dwells in me. The only thing is that I find myself still having urges.
I still am having urges and having the thirst to look at pornography and all. It's the hard part for me. And these urges create in me tons of fear and anxiety. I honestly don't want to sin against God, but I am still having problems and they are calling my name. I really hate that I still have these now. I would honestly love to never feel them, but sadly I do. I have gone a couple of weeks as of now without looking at pornography. I just need some help as to keep holding on and to keep fighting. I need help with having self-control. I am growing so afraid that I will fall and do it. I'm so afraid. I'm afraid of myself and afraid of failing God. I know that it's possible and I know I could do it. I really don't want to do it. Please help me. I need it.
When I was ten years old (around then), I have been addicted to pornography. A friend of mine showed me a sex tape that was made by another friend's mom and dad. It was "supposedly" private, but apparently it was no secret for me. I saw it, and I saw my friend's mom nude. To this day, I still remember the day that I first saw it and remember it in a sense. It still holds memory in my brain. Who would have known that at around that time in the fifth grade would lead me to looking more and more as a teenager?
I didn't just start with pornography. I took progressive steps there. I would look at the uncut music videos on television, the late-night erotica, Girls Gone Wild, HBO, Cinemax, and would watch racy movies all the time. All of this later escalated into looking for and finding internet porn. My parents did not have any knowledge that I had been doing this. I kept all of this a secret from them and from everyone. All throughout my teenage years, my problem just grew and grew.
A couple of viruses, a couple times getting caught, a couple times staying up until 4:00 a.m., never could stop me from looking at it. I was just addicted to it. It was almost as if I couldn't function without doing it. My life was just consumed by pornography. I bowed to it and to the women on the screen. I would look at it for perhaps 6, 7, 8 hours a day after getting home from school. I would do my homework during lunchtime and skip lunch just so I would have more time to look at porn when I got home. I didn't really do sports or arts and dedicate myself to them because I would dedicate myself to pornography after school. The worst part was that no one could ever catch on that I had problems inside. I was just a really good hider. I was a straight A student, an advanced student, and on the academic team in high school. People just knew me as some really nice guy.
But I never felt like I was a nice guy. I always felt like a pervert. I couldn't ever focus on girls. I would always objectify them, lust for them, and peek at their bodies. I really couldn't do well with girls. I didn't do well talking to them and didn't really have good relationships at all with people in general. Girls and guys. I guess I spent so much time inside looking at pornography that I really didn't know how to love another person beside myself. Plus, I didn't want anybody to know that I was addicted to pornography because I didn't want anybody else to find out. So I had no real relationships and struggle with the ones I had. I always felt I was holding back because I couldn't talk about this. And the pornography would always help me with my anxiety issues.
So from 11 to 21, I would daily go on the computer and masturbate to pornography. I couldn't kick the habit at all. It was stuck to me and the pictures and videos would replay in my head over and over again. I really was so enslaved to it. Gratefully, I never entered into any relationships or anything. I haven't even been on a date in my life. I'm grateful for not doing that. Then at age 21, I gratefully found Christ. Better yet, he came into my life. I gave my life to Him and I love it now. The only thing is that 2 years later, I am still in a struggle. I go to recovery groups and have told some people about my issues. My church for the most part knows the problem. But it's still a struggle and it's still a fight to go against it. I feel like I am not hopeless and powerless to stop it. The power of God dwells in me. The only thing is that I find myself still having urges.
I still am having urges and having the thirst to look at pornography and all. It's the hard part for me. And these urges create in me tons of fear and anxiety. I honestly don't want to sin against God, but I am still having problems and they are calling my name. I really hate that I still have these now. I would honestly love to never feel them, but sadly I do. I have gone a couple of weeks as of now without looking at pornography. I just need some help as to keep holding on and to keep fighting. I need help with having self-control. I am growing so afraid that I will fall and do it. I'm so afraid. I'm afraid of myself and afraid of failing God. I know that it's possible and I know I could do it. I really don't want to do it. Please help me. I need it.