Being hypocritical

[Sorrowfulone]

About a year ago, my wife confessed that she sent an inappropriate pic of a body part to someone of the opposite sex. At the time that it happened, she said it was an accident and even asked me to use her phone and tell him it was sent by accident (yea right). Having had unquestionable trust in her I did as she asked me to do and typed the text because she said she was too torn up to do it.
Months later, she truly confessed that she didn't do it by accident. She did it because the guy asked her to. She claims to this day that she had no feelings for the guy. I have struggled with this for over a year, trying to put it in perspective. Still I cannot rationalize why anyone would do it. To me it is adultery. I am hurt but I really shouldn't be if she knew the truth about me. I have been harsh and hurt by her actions but truly I shouldn't be.
Since the second year we were married, I have been unfaithful to her. At first my relationship was more of an emotional affair but three years in, we had sex and did so many times after that. I always felt extreme guilt but I've never truly cut ties with the other woman. We have not had sex or seen each other in a couple of years but still text on a regular basis. I have never told my wife but the last 13 years have been built on lies.
Should I tell her what I've done or should I say nothing and simply forgive her and continue on with the marriage? I will gladly stop the other relationship and stay with her because we do have two children together. I don't know what is right about the situation or whether I truly love my wife. I know I don't love my mistress but our relationship has gone on for almost as long as my marriage. Any guidance would be appreciated but please be kind in your judgement of me. I believe I am a Christian but I have a very twisted life and God knows I am ashamed of how my life has turned out to this point.

 

[maxwel]

You need to do something more substantial than get advice on an internet forum.

You need pastoral counseling, from someone wise and trustworthy.

It's good that you want to fix things... but it isn't going to happy overnight.
It's going to take time and lots of wise counsel.

If this affair has been going on this long, then it has affected you, your wife, and the marriage, emotionally and spiritually, at many different levels. God can fix anything. But it's going to take some serious commitment, and some time.

 

[yac11]

God Bless you and Maxwell is correct, God can fix anything. He can fix you, He can fix your marriage, He can fix your wife.

But it's going to be hard and I will pray for you to change within so God can help you.

 

[intercessorginger]

Well, it is kind of a mess and you are both at fault. Come clean with each other and repent for all of the sin. Make a commitment to be faithful and stop defrauding one another. Marriage is built on love and trust, not duplicity and subterfuge.

 

[djness]

So she sent one pic to someone, and you have been having a 13 year affair with sex?
Yes. Hyprocritical . Since you asked. I would also really ask myself, am I a christian? Seriously. To have maintained something like that for some long? What are you telling yourself?

I will gladly stop the other relationship and stay with her because we do have two children together.

If this is true then why haven't you?

You need to be honest with yourself for maybe the first time in your life. Telling her will probably end the marriage but you knew that already. It's going to be a long road of pain and suffering ahead but don't fool yourself. I'm sure you have already considered that.

Don't fool yourself any longer, god isn't ok with what you are doing. You need some truth more then kindness.

 

[Sorrowfulone]

Maxwell, in regard this part : "You need to do something more substantial than get advice on an internet forum."

I have read hundreds if not thousands of posts on every forum I can find that addresses the issue of infidelity and confessing both to God and someone's spouse. This is the first place I have found to lay out my issue and request anyone's opinion on what to do. As far as the pastor goes, he is my wife's uncle and I don't trust him personally. We live in a small town and I don't know if there are any Christian counselors in the area. With that said, who can I trust?

Djness, You made some very honest statements and I have asked myself questions very similar to what you posted. I don't have an answer for anything. Self examination and being truthful to myself has been difficult. I can't understand why I haven't completely ended the affair even though I have caused her (the other woman) a lot of misery because when push came to shove, I've always chosen my wife over her. We vowed never to tell our secret and I often feel I owe that to her but then I think there is no way I can ever truly be honest and find myself without ending it and revealing the truth.
However, is it wrong to never tell I I heal and truly repent to God? The truth will destroy my family. I am a good dad and a good husband outside I my issues I've laid out. Why cause her and my children pain because of what I've done? I know that if I never say anything, there is no chance that she will ever find out.
My wife doesn't drive and I have paid all the bills + did all the running for errands and taking the kids wherever. She doesn't know how to write a check or pay any bill online. Her dependence on me is a big challenge. We have been married for 15 years and dated for two years prior to that. I haven't missed too many days of taking her to work and picking her back up. Because we work different shifts, I take care I the kids while she works and vice versa.

I believe I am a Christian. I know I am far from perfect but no one is. God has answered many prayers for me. Some have been very powerful messages to me that yes he is there for me but be warned that my ways are incorrect and I need to change. I have prayed and read my Bible for guidance on these issues and in a way, maybe he pointed me here to have a straightforward talk with objective Christians that can guide me in what to do. There aren't any Christian Counselors in the area so your opinions and faith based belief is all I have to rely on. I know I need to change, to self-evaluate and to truly repent. That much I agree upon but being honest with myself is a difficult thing after lying to myself for so many years...if that makes any sense. Thank you to everyone that has responded so far. It helps to know that people still listen and care.

 

[djness]

Maxwell, in regard this part : "You need to do something more substantial than get advice on an internet forum."

I have read hundreds if not thousands of posts on every forum I can find that addresses the issue of infidelity and confessing both to God and someone's spouse. This is the first place I have found to lay out my issue and request anyone's opinion on what to do. As far as the pastor goes, he is my wife's uncle and I don't trust him personally. We live in a small town and I don't know if there are any Christian counselors in the area. With that said, who can I trust?

I would start by contacting this ministry Pure Life Ministries Home I have read through a book written by the guy who runs this place. It is called Amazon.com: At the Altar of Sexual Idolatry (9780970220202): Steve Gallagher: Books They have counselors there you can call and talk to and it is even a place people can go and stay to get better.

Djness, You made some very honest statements and I have asked myself questions very similar to what you posted. I don't have an answer for anything. Self examination and being truthful to myself has been difficult. I can't understand why I haven't completely ended the affair even though I have caused her (the other woman) a lot of misery because when push came to shove, I've always chosen my wife over her. We vowed never to tell our secret and I often feel I owe that to her but then I think there is no way I can ever truly be honest and find myself without ending it and revealing the truth.
However, is it wrong to never tell I I heal and truly repent to God? The truth will destroy my family. I am a good dad and a good husband outside I my issues I've laid out. Why cause her and my children pain because of what I've done? I know that if I never say anything, there is no chance that she will ever find out.
My wife doesn't drive and I have paid all the bills + did all the running for errands and taking the kids wherever. She doesn't know how to write a check or pay any bill online. Her dependence on me is a big challenge. We have been married for 15 years and dated for two years prior to that. I haven't missed too many days of taking her to work and picking her back up. Because we work different shifts, I take care I the kids while she works and vice versa.

Very simple answer to this, you have not ended it cause you feel you are owed some pleasure in life. I know , it's pretty messed up right. When we sin constantly but also try to be a christian we end up with this warped idea that God should actually give us the desires of our heart, except those desires are the desires of a sinful heart not a pure heart.
I think you are past someone being kind, you need real grit truth. I would suggest calling that place I mentioned.

I believe I am a Christian. I know I am far from perfect but no one is. God has answered many prayers for me. Some have been very powerful messages to me that yes he is there for me but be warned that my ways are incorrect and I need to change. I have prayed and read my Bible for guidance on these issues and in a way, maybe he pointed me here to have a straightforward talk with objective Christians that can guide me in what to do. There aren't any Christian Counselors in the area so your opinions and faith based belief is all I have to rely on. I know I need to change, to self-evaluate and to truly repent. That much I agree upon but being honest with myself is a difficult thing after lying to myself for so many years...if that makes any sense. Thank you to everyone that has responded so far. It helps to know that people still listen and care.

Well then God has been more then gracious, I would not personally, want to see if that eventually runs out.

2 Peter 3:9 - The Lord is not slack concerning his promise, as some men count slackness; but is longsuffering to us-ward, not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance.

 

[Mammachickadee]

So she sent one pic to someone, and you have been having a 13 year affair with sex?
Yes. Hyprocritical . Since you asked. I would also really ask myself, am I a christian? Seriously. To have maintained something like that for some long? What are you telling yourself?



If this is true then why haven't you?

You need to be honest with yourself for maybe the first time in your life. Telling her will probably end the marriage but you knew that already. It's going to be a long road of pain and suffering ahead but don't fool yourself. I'm sure you have already considered that.

Don't fool yourself any longer, god isn't ok with what you are doing. You need some truth more then kindness.

Since he obviously feels convicted about sin, chances are he's a believer.
DJ, as embarrassing as it is I would speak to a pastor... not just a friend in the church. Be prepared to commit to not talking to that woman and even changing your phone number. If you don't, church discipline may come to fore. Eventually, should she come to know of the affair your wife would be hurt but probably understanding and proud of you for trying to overcome the issue. She will have some hurt and angry questions about why you played the hypocrite, but a humble and contrite spirit availeth much. You may be frustrated the multiple times you will have to give an account of yourself to different people, especially your wife... but better now than later when you realize how much peace you missed in your marriage.

 

[RickyZ]

I agree with everything else everyone has said, but I'll add this:

If you believe there is no way your wife is going to ever find out about the affair, you are deceiving yourself.

 

[Mammachickadee]

Correction. I was addressing sorrowful, not DJ. lol sorry, DJ.

 

[Mammachickadee]

About a year ago, my wife confessed that she sent an inappropriate pic of a body part to someone of the opposite sex. At the time that it happened, she said it was an accident and even asked me to use her phone and tell him it was sent by accident (yea right). Having had unquestionable trust in her I did as she asked me to do and typed the text because she said she was too torn up to do it.
Months later, she truly confessed that she didn't do it by accident. She did it because the guy asked her to. She claims to this day that she had no feelings for the guy. I have struggled with this for over a year, trying to put it in perspective. Still I cannot rationalize why anyone would do it. To me it is adultery. I am hurt but I really shouldn't be if she knew the truth about me. I have been harsh and hurt by her actions but truly I shouldn't be.
Since the second year we were married, I have been unfaithful to her. At first my relationship was more of an emotional affair but three years in, we had sex and did so many times after that. I always felt extreme guilt but I've never truly cut ties with the other woman. We have not had sex or seen each other in a couple of years but still text on a regular basis. I have never told my wife but the last 13 years have been built on lies.
Should I tell her what I've done or should I say nothing and simply forgive her and continue on with the marriage? I will gladly stop the other relationship and stay with her because we do have two children together. I don't know what is right about the situation or whether I truly love my wife. I know I don't love my mistress but our relationship has gone on for almost as long as my marriage. Any guidance would be appreciated but please be kind in your judgement of me. I believe I am a Christian but I have a very twisted life and God knows I am ashamed of how my life has turned out to this point.

God can save any marriage, hon. Even one full of vile circumstances can be made rich and God centered again... but it takes the honesty and purity of heart that only God can give. I would venture to say that your turmoil over your wife's indiscretion is pure projection. You are angry at heart and not at peace because you don't have the peace of God, and your wife is a scapegoat for that anger right now. You need to right now confess that anger to God and put it behind you.
In the course of the 2 years of our almost 4 year marriage that my husband spend in divorce court I went from having only slept with my husband to having sexual relations with 27 men. I could make countless excuses about my husband's physical and emotional abuse; I could even make excuses about his abandoning our daughter and I and leaving us to pay for EVERYTHING while he absconded with the family bank account. Doing so, however, would be a red herring. I did so much sexually because I WANTED to and his absence provided the excuse I'd been waiting for to go into the sex and escorting business. After coming to the conclusion that he wanted to work on being a family again I told him flat everything that had happened and didn't sugar coat the fact that I didn't want a husband and didn't plan on giving up the "friends" I'd made along the way. It didn't take long, however, for my husband's perseverence, tears, admissions, and change of behavior to win me over (3 weeks to be exact, and we almost immediately were expecting our second child lol). God can do ANYTHING that He wants to... including change the hearts of man. You need to be committed to following Him and show your wife that, even if you don't "feel" that you still love her, you value your relationship with her as her husband and the father of her children.

 

[Sorrowfulone]

Is it truly necessary to tell my wife? She had a lot of courage to tell me what she did. I have felt only a teaspoon of the pain that I really should because I know what I've held inside is much more painful than what she did. Being that we have a starting point to work on our marriage, wouldn't it hinder the healing process by confessing to her? I am truly remorseful for what I've done and I'm waiting for God to tell me what the next step is for me. I have prayed day and night, from my "closet" and at church seeking guidance and forgiveness. Where in the Bible does it specifically say to confess to your spouse?

I'm in a difficult place emotionally and spiritually. After years of denial and self-justification I know I am responsible for what I've done and how horribly wrong my actions have been. But it's a no win situation except for putting my heart and soul on the right path.

She blamed medication for what she did because she was on an antidepressant for a long time. I didn't buy it because there is still that little voice in your head that tells you whether something is right or wrong and it ones own choice to do the right thing. I don't know if she is strong enough mentally to handle what I would have to say.

I appreciate everyone's honesty and straightforward approach to answering me. I need some straight talk because obviously I haven't been a good sheep and I am lost but not so lost that I cannot be found by my shepherd. I don't see how talking to my pastor will help other than him spreading the word that I am not who people think I am which would be deserved. He is a self-declared preacher coming from the olden days of being called to preach. I have no doubt he has it in him but I don't think he is qualified nor trustworthy enough to have this kind of discussion with. I believe that God will heal me of my issues and I can be close to him and be the man I need to and should have been all along. Am I misguided in that thought?

 

[Mammachickadee]

What would be your reasons for not telling her? Fear of hurting her? She's already hurting. Fear of making her angry? A fear of the other person's reaction should not be your reason for holding back the truth, be it about your infidelity or about your faith. By doing what you know is right GOD would be the winner, and that is what counts the most. Seriously, though... what biblical reason do you have for not telling her? Is God not in control and the great comforter?

 

[djness]

Is it truly necessary to tell my wife? She had a lot of courage to tell me what she did. I have felt only a teaspoon of the pain that I really should because I know what I've held inside is much more painful than what she did. Being that we have a starting point to work on our marriage, wouldn't it hinder the healing process by confessing to her? I am truly remorseful for what I've done and I'm waiting for God to tell me what the next step is for me. I have prayed day and night, from my "closet" and at church seeking guidance and forgiveness. Where in the Bible does it specifically say to confess to your spouse?

I'm in a difficult place emotionally and spiritually. After years of denial and self-justification I know I am responsible for what I've done and how horribly wrong my actions have been. But it's a no win situation except for putting my heart and soul on the right path.

She blamed medication for what she did because she was on an antidepressant for a long time. I didn't buy it because there is still that little voice in your head that tells you whether something is right or wrong and it ones own choice to do the right thing. I don't know if she is strong enough mentally to handle what I would have to say.

I appreciate everyone's honesty and straightforward approach to answering me. I need some straight talk because obviously I haven't been a good sheep and I am lost but not so lost that I cannot be found by my shepherd. I don't see how talking to my pastor will help other than him spreading the word that I am not who people think I am which would be deserved. He is a self-declared preacher coming from the olden days of being called to preach. I have no doubt he has it in him but I don't think he is qualified nor trustworthy enough to have this kind of discussion with. I believe that God will heal me of my issues and I can be close to him and be the man I need to and should have been all along. Am I misguided in that thought?

I've always chosen my wife over her. We vowed never to tell our secret and I often feel I owe that to her but then I think there is no way I can ever truly be honest and find myself without ending it and revealing the truth

You want straight talk? I'm a sinner to, a terrible sinner, and I know when a sinner lies, cause I lie to myself. For some reason I still have a rational side. Probably because God has a little mercy left for us.

Get yourself a mirror , look at your eyes ,read that out loud and come back when you are actually being honest with yourself for once. Because you have't even begun.

 

[leonardronaldo]

About a year ago, my wife confessed that she sent an inappropriate pic of a body part to someone of the opposite sex. At the time that it happened, she said it was an accident and even asked me to use her phone and tell him it was sent by accident (yea right). Having had unquestionable trust in her I did as she asked me to do and typed the text because she said she was too torn up to do it.
Months later, she truly confessed that she didn't do it by accident. She did it because the guy asked her to. She claims to this day that she had no feelings for the guy. I have struggled with this for over a year, trying to put it in perspective. Still I cannot rationalize why anyone would do it. To me it is adultery. I am hurt but I really shouldn't be if she knew the truth about me. I have been harsh and hurt by her actions but truly I shouldn't be.
Since the second year we were married, I have been unfaithful to her. At first my relationship was more of an emotional affair but three years in, we had sex and did so many times after that. I always felt extreme guilt but I've never truly cut ties with the other woman. We have not had sex or seen each other in a couple of years but still text on a regular basis. I have never told my wife but the last 13 years have been built on lies.
Should I tell her what I've done or should I say nothing and simply forgive her and continue on with the marriage? I will gladly stop the other relationship and stay with her because we do have two children together. I don't know what is right about the situation or whether I truly love my wife. I know I don't love my mistress but our relationship has gone on for almost as long as my marriage. Any guidance would be appreciated but please be kind in your judgement of me. I believe I am a Christian but I have a very twisted life and God knows I am ashamed of how my life has turned out to this point.

ashamed is a good start. cry out to the Lord for His Grace, only He can save and comfort you.

 

[Sorrowfulone]

Get yourself a mirror , look at your eyes ,read that out loud and come back when you are actually being honest with yourself for once. Because you have't even begun.

You're right djness. I have sunken to the low of telling myself lies and believing them. I know it's time to change because even though God is patient, his tolerance for me would have to be wearing thin.

 

[leonardronaldo]

The best mirror is the Word of God., because it won't tell nothing but the truth.

 

[MissCris]

Sorrowfulone-

A couple of things:

If you honestly love your wife, you need to tell her what you've done. She will be upset. She will be angry. You will probably have to see her cry. Tell her anyway. She deserves to have the chance to forgive you. And maybe she won't forgive you for this, I don't know, but you should man up and have enough respect for both her and yourself to come clean with her and give her the option of working on your marriage or walking away from it.

I had an affair that started a couple of years into my marriage. When I ended it, I didn't know if I should tell my husband or not. I wanted to avoid seeing him hurt, I wanted to avoid feeling bad myself. But that was stupid, because I was already feeling bad about NOT telling him. So I spent over a year keeping it secret, hoping he wouldn't find out, hating myself for being weak and selfish and yet hating the idea of his probable reaction even more.

You can't have a healthy or happy marriage, let alone a Godly one, when one person or both people are keeping secrets. So I strongly suggest that you tell her, and accept the consequences. God healed my marriage, but not until I came clean about what I'd done. God can heal yours, too, but you've got to take that first step.

 

[Sorrowfulone]

If I were doing this step by step, what order should I do what?

 

[yac11]

If you don't know what to do, then your stupid. Plain and simple. I am so mad at this point, I was thinking maybe this was all a joke cause it's beyond. It's beyond cause you have had people here who have given you insight and you still don't get it.

I will say that after reading more of your posts I don't believe you are a fully invested Christian. Because anyone can call themselves a Christian. A true Christian who sinned would of heard God convict them and thus WAKE UP! To say God answers prayers, your prayers as you go about your merry way sinning. I don't believe it. Nope, not at all.

Like I said in my post early on, I was not going to judge you and I didn't. But I wanted to pray for you so you would change and God could finally help you but more importantly help that wife of yours and your children from the fall out you caused.

Your further posts have made me sick. I will further state that I can say these things to you as I once cheated on my husband. Though I wouldn't of called myself a Christian as I didn't know Jesus, I was more than aware of a God and that He was loving. He graciously showed me His love a decade before. So after I sinned, He convicted me. Though I didn't know what it was called but that feeling I now know as being convicted for my wrong. I was so ashamed of my self. I felt that I deserved to live underneath a rock. Not because of hurting my husband as much as hurting God.

God knows the rest of my sorry story and what happened next. The point I want to say here to back myself for calling you stupid is this. I had to make a decision, live for myself or live for God and forsake myself. I had this decision to make because there was some unusual stuff going on in my marriage but I chose God. It took almost 20 years after I sinned with much repentance, seeking His face and understanding what Jesus did for me, before He listened to me. But how grateful I am that I was shown mercy and was given many blessings. I am now for that last 2 years proud to call myself a born again Christian.

So, if your a Christian you know what to do. This is my point. God Bless your wife, your children and yourself.