Is it okay to side hug when you have a boyfriend?

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BebaCoral

Guest
#1
#1
God bless everyone!

I'm having a little bump with my boyfriend.
I am 21 years old and have been with him for a year.
He is awesome and I love him and I know and feel he loves me as well.
With our spiritual lives we think things a little differently at times, he is more strict than I am. A lot of the times we do agree.
But sometimes I don't know if I'm wrong or he's overdoing it.

In the beginning he told me he wouldn't like me hugging other guys because I have to becareful with myself and my testimony. And also because he doesn't like it. He also doesn't like me giving cheek kisses to strangers. I believe that girls should absolutely be careful but if the person is your friend I don't see how a side hug is bad.
Last night in our youth service a friend that I hadn't seen in a while came by and I gave him a side hug. I told my boyfriend this because he asks me how I say hi to people and he wasn't to happy. He said I did it because I didn't care that he doesn't like that I do that. I told him I didn't feel bad or wrong in giving my old friend a side hug.
I don't know if it's him being a boy and being jealous or what.
But my question is this:

If I know he doesn't like it when I give hugs (no matter if it's a side hug),
If I do have a boyfriend
If I am a Christian,

Is it wrong for me to give a side hug to a male friend knowing all of those things?
 
Nautilus

Nautilus

Senior Member
#2
Jun 29, 2012
6,488
53
48
#2
honestly your boyfriend seems a bit jealous and controlling. ive never had an issue with girlfriends giving friendly hugsd to people the knew
 
K

kenisyes

Guest
#3
#3
This is one of those compromises you will have to work out when you are married anyway. His rights/your rights to any contact short of sexual intercourse is negotiable. If you are unhappy with him saying this, and cannot resolve it to your satisfaction, maybe he is not the man for you.
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#4
#4
BebaCoral said:
God bless everyone!

I'm having a little bump with my boyfriend.
I am 21 years old and have been with him for a year.
He is awesome and I love him and I know and feel he loves me as well.
With our spiritual lives we think things a little differently at times, he is more strict than I am. A lot of the times we do agree.
But sometimes I don't know if I'm wrong or he's overdoing it.

In the beginning he told me he wouldn't like me hugging other guys because I have to becareful with myself and my testimony. And also because he doesn't like it. He also doesn't like me giving cheek kisses to strangers. I believe that girls should absolutely be careful but if the person is your friend I don't see how a side hug is bad.
Last night in our youth service a friend that I hadn't seen in a while came by and I gave him a side hug. I told my boyfriend this because he asks me how I say hi to people and he wasn't to happy. He said I did it because I didn't care that he doesn't like that I do that. I told him I didn't feel bad or wrong in giving my old friend a side hug.
I don't know if it's him being a boy and being jealous or what.
But my question is this:

If I know he doesn't like it when I give hugs (no matter if it's a side hug),
If I do have a boyfriend
If I am a Christian,

Is it wrong for me to give a side hug to a male friend knowing all of those things?
Click to expand...
As stated, he sounds controlling. Controlling can run a high risk of becoming verbally or physically abusive. One of the traits of abusive personalities is to be controlling. Another is to pull you away from others, and isolate you. One more thing they like to do is manipulate, sometimes by playing the victim.
So far your boyfriend matches 3 of the common traits of an abuser. Don't get me wrong, i am not saying he for sure will become abusive. But these are red flags to watch out for for that type of behavior. And even if he never does, this behavior is still a red flag. If he's controlling and manipulative while you're dating, how bad would it get when he's your husband and you're now bound to him? What is now manipulation and guilt trips might possibly become demands.
Finally, side hugs are fine. I have a woman friend in her 40s and she will only side hug men. Doesn't matter if they're married, single or what. Its just her policy.
 
ThomistColin

ThomistColin

Banned
#5
Nov 30, 2012
2,396
26
0
#5
Please realize, he is your boyfriend, not your husband. Until those vows are exchanged, your boyfriend has no authority over you.
 
H

Hellooo

Guest
#6
#6
Side hugging, eek. Feels so insincere.
 
J

Jordache

Guest
#7
#7
Seems as if you should be able to side hug. He does seem a bit controlling, or possibly insecure.
 
JimJimmers

JimJimmers

Senior Member
#8
Apr 26, 2012
2,592
76
48
#8
I'll be totally honest here. I am not a controlling person, but I would not want my girlfriend cheek kissing strangers either. This could be part of the problem.

If he's a good guy, you might need to be a little less touchy with others in general, as it might not be the side hug that bothers him, but more a combination of factors. This would be a loving compromise in order to get along, if and only if he would do something like that for you as well.

Obviously we don't know if he's controlling or a good guy, hopefully you have a good handle on that. Be careful and have fun out there!
 
B

BrittanyJones

Guest
#9
#9
Hugging is very big in many cultures. Where does it mean, "I am cheating on you, sorry I don't love you anymore"?

Embracing another believer in Christ is actually talked about by Paul in Romans:

[SUP]10 [/SUP]Greet Apelles, who is approved in Christ. Greet those who belong to the family of Aristobulus. [SUP]11 [/SUP]Greet my kinsman Herodion. Greet those in the Lord who belong to the family of Narcissus. [SUP]12 [/SUP]Greet those workers in the Lord, Tryphaena and Tryphosa. Greet the beloved Persis, who has worked hard in the Lord. [SUP]13 [/SUP]Greet Rufus, chosen in the Lord; also his mother, who has been a mother to me as well. [SUP]14 [/SUP]Greet Asyncritus, Phlegon, Hermes, Patrobas, Hermas, and the brothers[SUP][e][/SUP] who are with them. [SUP]15 [/SUP]Greet Philologus, Julia, Nereus and his sister, and Olympas, and all the saints who are with them. [SUP]16 [/SUP]Greet one another with a holy kiss. All the churches of Christ greet you.
Romans 16

Our purpose on this earth is companionship with Christ and with other believers. Your boyfriend is using "Christianity" as an excuse to justify his jealously and control you. If He he doesn't give you up to God, he's not a good relationship to have before God.
 
7

7seven7

Guest
#10
#10
BrittanyJones said:
Hugging is very big in many cultures. Where does it mean, "I am cheating on you, sorry I don't love you anymore"?

Embracing another believer in Christ is actually talked about by Paul in Romans:

[SUP]10 [/SUP]Greet Apelles, who is approved in Christ. Greet those who belong to the family of Aristobulus. [SUP]11 [/SUP]Greet my kinsman Herodion. Greet those in the Lord who belong to the family of Narcissus. [SUP]12 [/SUP]Greet those workers in the Lord, Tryphaena and Tryphosa. Greet the beloved Persis, who has worked hard in the Lord. [SUP]13 [/SUP]Greet Rufus, chosen in the Lord; also his mother, who has been a mother to me as well. [SUP]14 [/SUP]Greet Asyncritus, Phlegon, Hermes, Patrobas, Hermas, and the brothers[SUP][e][/SUP] who are with them. [SUP]15 [/SUP]Greet Philologus, Julia, Nereus and his sister, and Olympas, and all the saints who are with them. [SUP]16 [/SUP]Greet one another with a holy kiss. All the churches of Christ greet you.
Romans 16

Our purpose on this earth is companionship with Christ and with other believers. Your boyfriend is using "Christianity" as an excuse to justify his jealously and control you. If He he doesn't give you up to God, he's not a good relationship to have before God.
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As Christians, this is really all there is to it. Although it can sometimes be hard to put our relationship with Christ COMPLETELY before our earthly weaknesses, the fact remains that this is the way it should be. I have to say though, if I know that this action will make my partner jealous or uncomfortable, then I'll refrain from doing it. We can certainly show love to our brothers and sisters without hugging and kissing. And hugging and kissing isn't a mandatory thing in Christianity. That said, I hope IF I ever was to get into a relationship again, that mine and my partner's faith will surpass all of our insecurities.
 
7

7seven7

Guest
#11
#11
What the heck is a side hug? lol
 
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Jordache

Guest
#12
#12
It's the hug you give a non-family member, non-romantic partner, platonic friend. I used to hate the side hug too, but I've since changed my mind. I felt it was insincere. But I do not now.
 
B

BebaCoral

Guest
#13
#13
JimJimmers said:
I'll be totally honest here. I am not a controlling person, but I would not want my girlfriend cheek kissing strangers either. This could be part of the problem.

If he's a good guy, you might need to be a little less touchy with others in general, as it might not be the side hug that bothers him, but more a combination of factors. This would be a loving compromise in order to get along, if and only if he would do something like that for you as well.

Obviously we don't know if he's controlling or a good guy, hopefully you have a good handle on that. Be careful and have fun out there!
Click to expand...

Yes he is equal with me. If there is something I don't like then he won't do it either. We are both fair in what we ask but I guess I am just baffled that side hugging is a big deal. He said that cheek kissing friends I haven't seen could be a happy middle. But I did tell him that I hope it's not something controlling.

He is not uncomfortable with me side hugging my friends but he did feel weird with me hugging someone he didn't know.

thank you all for your replies! They all made perfect sense to me and made me think a lot.
 
tielbird

tielbird

Member
#14
May 29, 2012
51
3
8
#14
7seven7 said:
What the heck is a side hug? lol
Click to expand...
HAHAHA Charlie, you must have read my mind! I'm clueless too. LOL

(Thanks Jordache for explaining it.)
 
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S

Share55

Guest
#15
#15
A side hug is standing side by side and hugging it is just a plain hug and if this young man is already putting stop signs out towards your friends best watch that ring finger. If he is already proprietory imagine what it will be like after marriage. Some seem to think the marriage gives them 100% contract over the wife's life whether she approves or not and that seems to be where your relationship is heading.
Tell him and leave even if he says he'll change. You are still young and it is important that others know you will not be trampled on, lied to and used. Maybe in the future he will have a complete turn around and his eyes will be opened but people with control issues usually come with even bigger issues and deep baggage.
It is best you know now instead of after marriage.

There are easy answers on this site but being just about killed by a control freak is not a good feeling whatsoever and some answers should be in accordance to what we know is quite possible to save another from a future of misery.

When I met my late husband he was amazed at how many people I knew who would come up out of nowhere and throw their arms around me, kiss me on the cheek, before catching up on their latest news. I had to save the first one from being throttled to death but it has always been a part of my life to listen, sympathize with, and help others so it is a norm for me and so if this is a norm for you then you certainly cannot afford to have a damper put on it.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with friends hugging and pecks on cheeks as a sign of greeting or I miss you when your life is giving and helping others and those with inferior complexes won't last in that life.
 
7

7seven7

Guest
#16
#16
tielbird said:
HAHAHA Charlie, you must have read my mind! I'm clueless too. LOL

(Thanks Jordache for explaining it.)
Click to expand...
hahaha yeh man I was trying to picture a side hug but I everything I came up with seemed extremely awkward.
 
Crazyteen

Crazyteen

Senior Member
#17
Aug 11, 2013
110
0
16
29
#17
He's jelous!!!
haha no other way to explain.
He's selfish and only wants you for himself!!
which is sweet of him!
But tell him that God is the Boss and that there will always be something he will be jelous about.
And I do agree that hugging with strangers is border-line, but giving a old classmate a little hug is different. :)
 
J

Jordache

Guest
#18
#18
Call it the walking hug. The youth pastor lets have a chat hug.
 
R

respekt

Senior Member
#19
Mar 5, 2013
269
2
18
#19
I never hug my male friends. Most of my friends are male. I don't even kiss 'em on the cheek. Oh, I kissed one of them on the cheek because he was a bit feminine :D
My ex did kiss his female friends on the cheek, maybe that's why we broke up lol
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#20
#20
7seven7 said:
hahaha yeh man I was trying to picture a side hug but I everything I came up with seemed extremely awkward.
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One puts their arms around the others shoulder, and the other puts their arms around the others back. Side by side. This way you're hugging 'hip to hip' instead of a full embrace with both arms around each other. This is to prevent the possibility of any sexualized touching by pressing the womans breasts against the man. Or the risk of crotches touching. Its a less intimate form of hugging, more or less. And less likely to mislead someone.
 
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