Hi there
I went through a similar situation as yours growing up as well. Except it was not my mother. So i truly feel what your saying.
It is so easy to wonder Why God is allowing this. I think any one that has ever gone through abuse of any kind always has those questions. Why didn't God stop it? He saw what was happening, why didn't he step in? Where was he when this was happening? Lord knows i have asked him those same things a million times over. I encourage you instead of wondering... to ask him.
Believe me I know you feel like you want to die, and i know at times this feels to heavy to carry around, but i can tell you if you lean on him this will not over take you. When your angry, even if its at God or when you feel that despair... tell him so.
I'm not understanding why your still even going anywhere near your mother?? You said it's not that simple, maybe it's not i don't know your situation. However i do know unless you are being held against your will you always have a choice. You can choose to see her or not. For myself i would rather endure extreme torture than put myself in that situation again. I think most people would feel that way, which again is why i am not getting why you would continue to be around this woman. That is just asking to get hurt.
Get away from her, she's clearly sick.
Hi
Thanks a lot for your comforting message and your great advice; I feel very sorry about what you've passed through.
I hope you feel much better now, apart from your great physical torments. I wish the Lord could give me the gift of healing soon or later so that you could be healed of all your great physical torments.
Really, as I said, it's not that simple. It's very complicated. I've been snared in an infernal spiral when I was 18. It's a long story. I'll try to keep it short though. So I was born in Switzerland in 1978, my biological father was a brilliant student in one of the best scientific schools in Switzerland, but my biological father was very naive about people, and he had a lack of discernment; my biological mother told me that at that time, she was looking for " someone calm ", and when she saw my biological father she immediately thought he was that " someone calm "; my biological father started to speak at 6 only, I think he had high functioning autism, and I think I am too. So she told him she was 16( legal age of consent in Switzerland ), whereas she was 14, and he thought she was telling the truth. So when she get pregnant at 14 and a half, and she was often staying at his home, he asked my grandmother to get married with her, and she refused, and she sued him about statutory rape, and won, and he was condemned for 2 years in prison. After he get out, his best friend, my step father, was already with my biological mother, and they fought mostly with words with each other regularly; he finished his school, and came back to his country in Africa. Later, he had a great career opportunity in Zurich in architecture, but he had to decline it because the police could have been looking for him, he told me. So my step father decided to come back in his country in Africa after he finished his scientific school ( the same ), I was 4 at that time; and there, I was told later by my biological mother his big sister told him it was not good for me to be a left-hander, so that was the beginning of my great torment; both biological mother and step-father beat me and forced me to use my right hand, at 4 ! I don't remember anything !
Whereas I perfectly recall some things which happened before that time. Later one day, I told my biological mother " you are not my mother ", and she slapped me on the face ! Since that time, the hatred on me was greatly intensified ! And they tried to find a new reason to regularly beat me, as I adapted to use my right hand as the dominant one. And it was about food, as I dislike many of african dishes, and they used to torture me about that all my childhood and adolescence.
It was hell on earth ! Later she would told me her story, and that my grandmother used to beat her at 12 till she left her at 14 when she was pregnant, and my grandmother forced her to eat the rests of restaurant dishes. That would put guilt on me if I was angry against her, and I would think it was not her fault; I came back with them in Switzerland when I was about 11, I was growing up, and when I was about 12 and she was cutting my hair in the bathroom and I was bare-chested; after she finished cutting my hair, she had a vicious grim on her face, and she began to caress my shoulder and telling that I had a nice shoulder; I immediately stepped back very far from her, and that got her very angry; she wanted to beat me as usual, and I was hoping my step-father would do something about it to defend me;
he just came with his dish on his hand, and while eating, he just told that psychologists tell that male children are sexually attracted by their mother when their mother is very young.
Can you believe that ?
That traumatized me so much ! I was so shocked by what he said that I was speechless! I felt so defiled inside because of what he said, to slander me like that without shame !
And of course, that monster was very happy with that false accusation, and she came close to me with her cruel and vicious grim, and she punched me right on the shoulder I refused to give to her nameless pederast abomination.
Now I didn't have any pity about her; no matter her past; I realized she was really cruel and vicious, and I just wanted to leave ! I didn't know I could call police in Switzerland ! I was an only child, and because I was very shy I didn't have any friends to talk about my feelings and thoughts. Later I knew I could call police, but I heard about stories of other children placed in foster families, and they were still abused and in a horrific nightmare, and I was not sure the police would believe me and save me, as my step-father had a solid reputation and my biological mother was a demonic manipulator. So I told no one, and I told nothing, I suffered in silence. When I get 18, my biological father told me I could live in his country in Africa, so to me, it was a great occasion to leave very far from that total nightmare ! But what I forgot to do is to wait till I get my Swiss citizenship ! I was so in a hurry to leave that total nightmare, that I didn't think to protect my best interests ! I didn't think it could be very useful to me in the future to have the Swiss citizenship, and I was not planning to ever come back in Switzerland as it was a total nightmare to me at that time !
So here in Niger, it was another nightmare in the making. My biological father never beat me, but at some point, he felt it was good to live in an unfinished house with no restroom, no bathroom, etc. there was cousins living with me, and I was very angry one of them would rob me anytime I was not there in my room. I had great physical torments many times there. It's a country with a lot of sand and desert. I didn't know I was allergic to dust from sand and when there was a sand storm, my eyes would double their volum and be totally red, it was very very painful. A scorpion failed to bite me. I got bloody hemorrhoids because of bacteria and spice. I got very potent malaria. I got bad diarrhea many times because of local food.
etc, etc. I realized I couldn't live there. I was not made to live there, and I began to realize I had to came back to Switzerland. It took me many years to come back, and I could come back from another country in Africa, where my biological mother live and where I am for now; I was about 25, and when I asked Switzerland to give me back my title of residency, they refused. It was another great shock. Being rejected in my own native country ! I tried to live here, but it was only survival and I had to fear police each time I saw them. So I left, and I came back again, but they changed the law so that I could not even ask anything to the authorities ! Another shock. So I had to leave again, and here I am in Africa again, in this temporary nightmare; I was able to get the equivalency of the french scientific baccalauréat by studying in distance and doing the exams in a french organism where I am, and I get accepted to a french university and everything, but again, I was refused to study there because I would be too old ( 35 ), but I don't think that's the reason. It's just a pretext.
Anyway, the great another torment is I'm depending financially on my biological mother, and well, sometimes she uses that at her advantage to torment me. Thanks Lord I live in my own place though ! That total nightmare is just temporary.
If they don't accept me in France. I would find another place to study and begin another life.
Switzerland is still my country, even if they rejected me for a certain time. After all, Christ was rejected himself in his own village in Nazareth, and by Israel and the whole world in Jerusalem in Golgotha.
A nightmare has always an end, by the Lord's Grace.
once we belong to him