Son issues - help

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ddd51

Guest
#1
#1
What do you do when your college freshman son who has been raised in a Christian household (Catholic) has turned away from God and the bible? In addition, he looks at gay porn on his computer, uses foul language, lies, and thinks he is either gay or bisexual. What is so sad is that he has everyone fooled. He grew up being a very kind, intelligent, trustworthy, talented person. I use to say he was the only person I knew who wouldn't or couldn't tell a lie. He was definitely Christian growing up - believing in the church, bible, and god. I feel like I woke up one day find him saying he is an Atheist, bisexual, who cusses (not around family only friends), and lies. I blame friends he hung out with, internet, tv, media, etc... There is just too much bad stuff out there for these kids to be influenced by. Now, we are totally paying for his education at a prestigious university. He does make good grades (right now) but how do I go about dealing with all this side stuff. I feel he it will all catch up with him and his career goals will go down the drain. Since we are paying for his education - do we have the right to tell him what he looks at on his computer, etc...? Just confused? BTW our family only believes in heterosexual marriage so this is again very disheartening. Please help and give me some direction. I also have spoken with priests about this with no help from them at all :(
 
mystdancer50

mystdancer50

Senior Member
#2
Feb 26, 2012
2,522
50
48
#2
Pray.

This battle is going to be fought in the spiritual realms.

Unfortunately, your problem is far from uncommon. We have taught, and our teaching, our youth to play church really, really well. Then, when they are set free into the world, they have no relationship or foundation to build on and so the world comes and they run after it with great joy.

I am sorry for what you're going through. Gather your prayer warriors and fight the spiritual darkness on your knees, on your face, on your feet with hands raised in worship, fight, fight, fight and see God move. Fasting is a great thing, too. Dedicated fasts.
 
S

ServantStrike

Guest
#3
#3
mystdancer50 said:
Pray.

This battle is going to be fought in the spiritual realms.

Unfortunately, your problem is far from uncommon. We have taught, and our teaching, our youth to play church really, really well. Then, when they are set free into the world, they have no relationship or foundation to build on and so the world comes and they run after it with great joy.

I am sorry for what you're going through. Gather your prayer warriors and fight the spiritual darkness on your knees, on your face, on your feet with hands raised in worship, fight, fight, fight and see God move. Fasting is a great thing, too. Dedicated fasts.
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Yeah I don't have much more to add than this.


You're going to have to pray hard here. Have you asked him why he has changed so much? I mean surely he has a reason for the change in his life right? People don't usually just get up and say "I'm going to be a completely different person today."
 
I

iTOREtheSKY

Guest
#4
#4
ddd51 said:
What do you do when your college freshman son who has been raised in a Christian household (Catholic) has turned away from God and the bible? In addition, he looks at gay porn on his computer, uses foul language, lies, and thinks he is either gay or bisexual. What is so sad is that he has everyone fooled. He grew up being a very kind, intelligent, trustworthy, talented person. I use to say he was the only person I knew who wouldn't or couldn't tell a lie. He was definitely Christian growing up - believing in the church, bible, and god. I feel like I woke up one day find him saying he is an Atheist, bisexual, who cusses (not around family only friends), and lies. I blame friends he hung out with, internet, tv, media, etc... There is just too much bad stuff out there for these kids to be influenced by. Now, we are totally paying for his education at a prestigious university. He does make good grades (right now) but how do I go about dealing with all this side stuff. I feel he it will all catch up with him and his career goals will go down the drain. Since we are paying for his education - do we have the right to tell him what he looks at on his computer, etc...? Just confused? BTW our family only believes in heterosexual marriage so this is again very disheartening. Please help and give me some direction. I also have spoken with priests about this with no help from them at all :(
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The bible speaks about training up your child in the ways of the Lord & when they are older they shall not depart from them. You have sown the word of God into your son's heart,have you not? if so,then let the Spirit of God work in him. The Spirit of God convicts & leads us as believers. You need simply to pray. Pray first for yourself,that you walk in the true love of God towards your son,not as a parent would only, but to begin to see him as Christ does. Then pray for your son,that any deception may be broken in his life. I can imagine the frustration you must be going through,but I will tell you that love & prayer will go further in him coming back to the Lord's ways than getting upset with him. You mentioned twice about how much $$ you have invested into his education & how concerned you are that he doesn't throw it all away. Try and remember,you are investing in his education,not in his lifestyle choices. He's still the same kind,intelligent talented person you remember him growing up as. He's just going through some things it sounds like. I stress "going through". Be there for him on the other side with loving open arms. You don't have to condone or like the thing's he is doing right now,but you can still let him know that you love him either way. God Bless.
 
O

overcomer2

Guest
#5
#5
I too have a college freshman son. He is not going through those issues however, at times I think where did you change. Continue to be his Light. He can plug his ears from what your saying but if your lifestyle is reflecting Christ he cannot shut that out. If a show comes on discussing homosexuals and he's around make sure he knows your position on the matter.
He most likely has picked up some not so desirable friends at college. Can you change the college? If he's going to learn all the wrong things take him out.
 
Nautilus

Nautilus

Senior Member
#6
Jun 29, 2012
6,488
53
48
#6
yes let's end someones higher education because people get scared when their kids move out from under their parents thumb and make their own life decisions for once.
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#7
#7
ddd51 said:
Since we are paying for his education - do we have the right to tell him what he looks at on his computer, etc...?
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No. Paying for his education does not give you the right to make all his decisions for him. Whether you're paying or not, he is still and adult, and still has the freedom to make his own choices. To remove his funding to his education is to be manipulative and controlling, not loving. Do you think your son will magically become a straight, sweet kid again because you refuse to help him in his education because you don't like his lifestyle? Or will you only anger him and push him even further into that lifestyle as a sign of rebellion against you for trying to control him?
And i'm not sure how removing all hope of his having a promising future is supposed to teach him anything except that your love is conditional. Long as he does what You think he should, you love and support him. But if he steps out of line, he's on his own. And, not only that, he may now not have a future for himself. Again, i don't see that as loving.
I also don't see how these choices are going to have a negative effect on his career? Lots of people in this lifestyle maintain solid careers. Its all, in fact, becoming more glamorized and popularized. It as becoming the norm and likely will have little if any negative effect on a career.
This all being said, i am not saying i support his choices. I think it is all sad, the road he's setting himself down. But trying to control him isn't the answer. Rather than presenting yourself as demanding, controlling parents whose love is based on doing what you expect, why not show him unconditional love and support, without constantly being on his case? Which do you think will have a more positive long term effect? As he thinks over his life and choices when he gets older will, and rethinks them, will you be a positive influence that makes him consider he's made wrong choices? Or will you be seen as the demanding religious parents who only cared when he followed your rules, thereby reinforcing his choices because he will believe religion is all about control and not love?
 
M

Mammachickadee

Guest
#8
#8
ddd51 said:
What do you do when your college freshman son who has been raised in a Christian household (Catholic) has turned away from God and the bible? In addition, he looks at gay porn on his computer, uses foul language, lies, and thinks he is either gay or bisexual. What is so sad is that he has everyone fooled. He grew up being a very kind, intelligent, trustworthy, talented person. I use to say he was the only person I knew who wouldn't or couldn't tell a lie. He was definitely Christian growing up - believing in the church, bible, and god. I feel like I woke up one day find him saying he is an Atheist, bisexual, who cusses (not around family only friends), and lies. I blame friends he hung out with, internet, tv, media, etc... There is just too much bad stuff out there for these kids to be influenced by. Now, we are totally paying for his education at a prestigious university. He does make good grades (right now) but how do I go about dealing with all this side stuff. I feel he it will all catch up with him and his career goals will go down the drain. Since we are paying for his education - do we have the right to tell him what he looks at on his computer, etc...? Just confused? BTW our family only believes in heterosexual marriage so this is again very disheartening. Please help and give me some direction. I also have spoken with priests about this with no help from them at all :(
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Love him in spite of it all. Though your heart grieves for the loss of your little honest boy, you have to recognize that he is an adult; is making his own decisions; and will always be your boy. Love him in spite of it all and make sure he knows your love will never change. Pray that the Lord's will will be done in the situation. It is tempting to pray that God will change him, especially when you know what he's doing is wrong... but God can and will prepare your heart for His will if it means your son not changing before significant heartbreak. He will always be your boy, and if he's a believer you know God will not let him go in sinful ways without chastising him. This can be both sorrow and blessing... because God is in control no matter what.
 
A

AgeofKnowledge

Guest
#9
#9
I can only guess how many godly parents are devastated at seeing their children turn away from God to an immoral world in these evil times. I would think you just want to scream, "the devil kidnapped my child!"

Make no mistake, a new dimension of your life has begun whether or not you wanted it to and how you respond is very important for you, the rest of your family, and your rebellious one.

I've seen that parents who continue to faithfully live a godly Christian life and properly adjust to what's happening, by and large, eventually get their children back. What condition they get them back in; however, varies from sold out for God and better than before to dying of aids in a hospice center.

My advice is to get involved with a Christian parent support group. You're going to need both their knowledge/experience and their support before this is over. Don't go it alone.

Restored Hope Network

Reconciliation Ministries <-click on the parents sidebar selection for the parents support group.

You can always work with your local church to host one as well if there's not one near you: Designing Parent Support Groups by Children's Ministry Magazine - ChurchLeaders.com - Christian Leadership Blogs, Articles, Videos, How To's, and Free Resources

Help for Parents and Friends of those struggling with homosexuality - Living Hope Ministries







ddd51 said:
What do you do when your college freshman son who has been raised in a Christian household (Catholic) has turned away from God and the bible? In addition, he looks at gay porn on his computer, uses foul language, lies, and thinks he is either gay or bisexual. What is so sad is that he has everyone fooled. He grew up being a very kind, intelligent, trustworthy, talented person. I use to say he was the only person I knew who wouldn't or couldn't tell a lie. He was definitely Christian growing up - believing in the church, bible, and god. I feel like I woke up one day find him saying he is an Atheist, bisexual, who cusses (not around family only friends), and lies. I blame friends he hung out with, internet, tv, media, etc... There is just too much bad stuff out there for these kids to be influenced by. Now, we are totally paying for his education at a prestigious university. He does make good grades (right now) but how do I go about dealing with all this side stuff. I feel he it will all catch up with him and his career goals will go down the drain. Since we are paying for his education - do we have the right to tell him what he looks at on his computer, etc...? Just confused? BTW our family only believes in heterosexual marriage so this is again very disheartening. Please help and give me some direction. I also have spoken with priests about this with no help from them at all :(
Click to expand...
 
K

Kerry

Guest
#10
#10
Raise up a child in the way that he should go and when he has grown old he shall not depart from it. If not the pray, pray, pray.
 
S

ServantStrike

Guest
#11
#11
overcomer2 said:
I too have a college freshman son. He is not going through those issues however, at times I think where did you change. Continue to be his Light. He can plug his ears from what your saying but if your lifestyle is reflecting Christ he cannot shut that out. If a show comes on discussing homosexuals and he's around make sure he knows your position on the matter.
He most likely has picked up some not so desirable friends at college. Can you change the college? If he's going to learn all the wrong things take him out.
Click to expand...
That's an endless cycle. Even the "Christian" colleges out there are full of fake Christians.

And then what, suppose they make it through college, what about work? Do you change where they work because they have a non Christian co worker?

Ugly said:
No. Paying for his education does not give you the right to make all his decisions for him. Whether you're paying or not, he is still and adult, and still has the freedom to make his own choices. To remove his funding to his education is to be manipulative and controlling, not loving. Do you think your son will magically become a straight, sweet kid again because you refuse to help him in his education because you don't like his lifestyle? Or will you only anger him and push him even further into that lifestyle as a sign of rebellion against you for trying to control him?
And i'm not sure how removing all hope of his having a promising future is supposed to teach him anything except that your love is conditional. Long as he does what You think he should, you love and support him. But if he steps out of line, he's on his own. And, not only that, he may now not have a future for himself. Again, i don't see that as loving.
I also don't see how these choices are going to have a negative effect on his career? Lots of people in this lifestyle maintain solid careers. Its all, in fact, becoming more glamorized and popularized. It as becoming the norm and likely will have little if any negative effect on a career.
This all being said, i am not saying i support his choices. I think it is all sad, the road he's setting himself down. But trying to control him isn't the answer. Rather than presenting yourself as demanding, controlling parents whose love is based on doing what you expect, why not show him unconditional love and support, without constantly being on his case? Which do you think will have a more positive long term effect? As he thinks over his life and choices when he gets older will, and rethinks them, will you be a positive influence that makes him consider he's made wrong choices? Or will you be seen as the demanding religious parents who only cared when he followed your rules, thereby reinforcing his choices because he will believe religion is all about control and not love?
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Yes, this. So much this.

College is the first time where a lot of parents get to see whether their children were simply going through the motions or if what went on at home was genuine.

A parent is always a parent, but parents cannot protect their children forever. Eventually, their children grow up and make decisions of their own. Sometimes those decisions are bad ones. Cutting off tuition isn't going to help, it's going to hurt.



To the OP, I'm reminded of the story of the prodigal son. Just be waiting with arms wide open in case your son comes running back.
 
D

ddd51

Guest
#12
#12
Thanks to everyone who has given responses to my issues. I appreciate all of them. We are not planning on cutting off money for his college education. He already goes to a great university and I know we cannot control who he meets and befriends from here on out. I guess I'm trying to decide how much influence should I try to give him. I find articles, books, sayings, etc...all the time and would like to pass them on to him but don't want to push him away either. I would like to somehow lock the porn off his computer - I feel all this does is get him deeper and deeper. And, I believe it's against school policy since he is using the school's network. I know someone who had to bail their son out of jail for having child porn on their computer - I am not planning on spending $30,000 on bail. This happened to a "normal" Christian kid/family. It could happen to anyone who does this. So, I am trying to get him to stop but don't know my boundries on this. In my opinion - if your child is doing something illegal (or immoral) it's my job to do my best to stop them before they get into more trouble. Even though he is 18 years old - he is still very immature and needs guidance.
 
Kreation

Kreation

Senior Member
#13
Sep 19, 2013
169
4
0
#13
I remember when I was in school, some of my friends dated each other to experiment for a while. Now at 24/25 years old, my friend is married with two kids, if I mentioned the time when she was 15 dating her girl- friend she would be so embarrassed!

I know of a very devout christian family and their daughter has rebelled for a while ( same age as your son) she has tattoos and piercings, she aspires to be a tattoo artist. I grew up with her and I used to be like her older sister, I was the one that inspired her to want to do art, she was innocent, now shes mixing with the 'goth/skater' crowd

...and I have faith she will be back! I'm sure

God is still there waiting for your son to turn around and say sorry, and on that day he will forgive :)

Hopefully this is just a young teenage phase so until then unfortunately you will have to be patient and pray pray pray like never before.

May I ask...when did he start to stray away? when did he admit he was homosexual?

You are very brave to type this all out in the forum, thank you for sharing, we as your extended family will pray for you!
 
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I

intercessorginger

Guest
#14
#14
First of all, this is a hard trial and I feel for you going through this.
It's very hard not to become negative when our children seem to be walking down a very bad road that only leads to sorrow, but stay positive about him and say good things about him.Proverbs 22:6 God has promised us that if we train up our children in his way, our children will not depart from it when they are grown. Cling to that promise of God, no matter what it looks like!
Heaven and earth will pass away but his word will never pass away!
Try to be neutral about his acting out and searching for who he is. He is probably talking out loud and repeating what he has heard from others.
Don't give up! Pray and talk to the Holy Spirit about him, and trust that God loves him, and can reach him even when you can't.
 
D

Dfe

Guest
#15
#15
Have you ever considered live and let live? I mean some issues are somewhat troublesome, such as the lies and pornography. However I feel that your child is an adult now, and is free to make his own decisions. If he wants to be bisexual and choose to believe in the absence of any god(s), then let him be himself. Turn the other cheek and show tolerance, peace, and love like the bible says.
 
N

nathan3

Guest
#16
#16
Yes you have the right; Its your money. Is he in your house ? Then you have the right to tell him what he can or cannot view on his computer.

He needs to be corrected. That has to be attempted.
 
Nautilus

Nautilus

Senior Member
#17
Jun 29, 2012
6,488
53
48
#17
so remove him from higher education and try to control what he looks at on his laptop while he is away at college? what i cant get other is the removing him from higher education. Yes lets remove him from learning...idiotic idea
 
Brother_Don

Brother_Don

Banned
#18
Jul 27, 2011
1,622
89
0
#18
we can't control, people, places, and things, and i have found the more i tried controlling my children, the more they rebelled.
 
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ddd51

Guest
#19
#19
I have another question for someone who may have had this issue. My son is again not making the kind of friend choices that are a good influence. One of his friends apparently is a follower or believer or whatever you want to call it of Pastafarian. To me, it's for those that want to make fun of religion and God. Back in high school - my son had a friend that was into that also and now in college one of his best buddies seems to be into this. If you know what this is - please let me know what you think. As a devout Catholic - I am extremely hurt and disappointed that the son I raised would even think about being a follower of this. This is like him kicking me in the face. What right minded person would even think this would be funny and choose to be influenced by people like this. I would love to hear from other parents that have a teen like this.
 
Nautilus

Nautilus

Senior Member
#20
Jun 29, 2012
6,488
53
48
#20
You're a catholic and you're worried about the flying spaghetti monster? How is that any worse than praying to Mary and following a self-made king in the vatican?
 
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