Cheating through Texting?

hcraw4d · Oct 5, 2013

Hey guys,
For the past couple months I have been texting back and forth with a girl that I've never met except for once in an online chat room. We've never been together or anything like that, yet our texting has gotten a bit sexual here and there. I am married to the most amazing woman whom I love with my whole heart, but just recently she found out about this texting affair. She was looking through my phone one day and saw some of the texts and it broke her heart.

I am crushed.

I never meant to hurt her, I never meant to cross any lines. It sucks. I am in so much pain because of the hurt I've caused her. I HATE this feeling. I don't even know why I did it. I don't have any clue why I would look anywhere besides my wife for that connection. Now my wife threatens to leave me. She says she has no trust in me anymore. I can't stand it. The worst part is that there is no one to blame but myself.

I can't sleep, can't eat, and she won't talk to me. I don't know what to do. I know that I need God to come and help me. I feel so lost about it. I've been a Christian my whole life, but recently haven't been pursuing Him at all. I'm a worship leader at the church I go to, I lead groups of volunteers. On the outside I look like I've got it all together. I'm good at acting. But on the inside I'm destroyed. Torn up. Feel like I'm left for dead. It's a horrible, terrible feeling and I'm in so much pain.

Have any of you gone through something like this? I know there is hope, there always is, but I feel like that hope is so dim. Please, if you have any experience or wisdom about this, I'm looking for anything.

T_Laurich · Oct 5, 2013

Praise God for this... I know it sounds very bad and like your life is falling apart but one sentence you said made my heart sing... you said

This in its self is the best sentence of the whole post... You realize that you are nothing without God and that you are a sinner and dead, Praise God!!!

I have never experienced your situation, for I have never had a Christian wife or girl friend... All I can say is come to God now, and dwell in Him... This is a perfect opportunity to find all your love and life in Christ...

Ad for your wife I can understand if she does not trust you for a while... I can understand that 100%... Also note that trying to patch things too quickly could also make things worse... There is no easy fix, there is no quick remedy... I would suggest getting to the core of why you did that in the first place, whether it be counselling or or reading proverbs 200 times... Get to the core of why you did this, only then can you really patch this thing... And no matter what your wifes decision just love her, I know that is such a vague sentence but the best thing you can do is pray and show your love like Christ would...

1 more thing, would you have told her that very day before she found out about the texting? And do you feel sorry because you got caught or because you did it? They sound similar but in all actuality they are two different things...

Just love your wife and give her time... Be a husband again... And the best way to be a husband is to try to resemble Christ in all things you do...

hcraw4d · Oct 5, 2013

I honestly can't say that I would or wouldn't have told her. My heart says yes but my head says no. Its a constant battle to be open and honest about what I'm struggling with and being afraid of hurting her.

T_Laurich · Oct 5, 2013

hcraw4d said:

Maybe you just need to man up in your faith... 1 Corinthians 16:13 13 Be on guard. Stand firm in the faith. Be men. Be strong.

I know a lot of translations say be courageous... But this one just has a certain ring to it, I could care less if the world thinks its politically correct, the bible calls us to be men. I think you will find this 3 minute video by francis chan extremely enlightening on your situation.

[video=youtube;kAe5ULE8n_4]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAe5ULE8n_4[/video]

ServantStrike · Oct 5, 2013

hcraw4d said:

Then praise Jesus she found out!

You might have continued down this path and turned a major stumbling block into a marriage ending affair.

I'm also not able to comment as well as others might be able to as I'm not married and not dating, but I have heard from other guys (and women too) that it's very important to never place yourself in a compromising position with someone of the opposite sex. Otherwise this is pretty much what happens, even if it's not physical, you can have an emotional affair, which still cuts deeply.

zaoman32 · Oct 5, 2013

Well, I'm commenting because I've been on the other end of this kind of situation. I caught my ex-wife cheating through text messages. (Please don't take the "ex" as a sign that this path will lead down divorce for you). You've got a lot of ground to make up. You destroyed a lot of trust, and it's going to be a very long and slow wait before you can gain that back. It will very likely be years before she ever fully trusts you again. What you need to do right now, is give her the space she needs. Don't force yourself on her too much, give her time to be able to think and process everything, she will very likely come around at some point. When she gets to where she's more willing to talk with you and be open about it. Keep your mouth shut, and listen to what she has to say. Anything she asks, do it. Don't try calling on shots because the deep water you're in is far to deep for any of that.

danschance · Oct 5, 2013

I bet if Jesus were here, He would say, "Go and sin no more". I hope you have broken off the online relationship, if you have not done so, do it now. Your wife is hurt and that is to be expected. You broke her trust and betrayed her. She is going to be angry for at least a couple of months. Then she might cool down but she will not want to be intimate with you. It will take time to rebuild your relationship. I strongly advise marital counseling. They can help both of you to heal and help you find out why you did it. If you don't you might be susceptible to repeating your mistake.

Be patient with your wife. She is still processing the trauma of this earthquake in her life. Accept that she will be angry and hurt and allow her to work thru these feelings. Keep telling her you are sorry and you love her and only her. Go buy the love dare book. It has things you can do to show your wife that you care. The love dare book helped me to bring my wife back towards me but we are still not back together. Even so, I highly recommend that book for you. Pray to God that he will restore your relationship.

The Love Dare: Stephen Kendrick, Alex Kendrick: 9780805448856: Amazon.com: Books

J-Kay · Oct 5, 2013

Okay, I am not a 'guy' but this is family forum so, I want so
badly to reply. I feel your pain and I am a female. I know what
it is like to be talking with someone on internet and that little feeling
of interest starts. I am married also and I had to take myself away
from a site because I knew it would be wrong.

I thought of your activities in Church, and my first thought was you
are bored. You have a married life, you serve in Church, you said you
volunteered, and what else do you have to give you fulfillment?

Don't put yourself down. I admire your confession. You did NOT have
an affair in the sense you 'knew the woman sexually.' I pray your
wife can be grateful it was not physical between you and the other
lady. Also, I feel the other woman was sent to tempt you and I bet
anything she was doing the same with someone else. Jezebel spirit is
alive and well in the Christian sector, and you were a victim.

Why am I defending you? Trust me, I understand how the enemy works.
Now we can only pray you will follow the wise advise given by others, and
trust God to work with your wife. I wish I could tell you it will heal overnight.
I do believe you do not need to grovel for her forgiveness. I think you will
earn it by keeping everything in sight for her to see what you are doing.
Has your Church found this out?
I want to pray for you right now, okay ?

Father God. You have sent Jesus as our Savior and through Him we confess
our sins. Your son has confessed his sin openly and now needs peace. And
he needs to forgive himself. I pray for healing to come to his marriage.
Jesus please give him wisdom to know exactly what to do. His heart is broken
because he hurt You and his wife. Now, we ask just as You erased his sin
like chalk on a blackboard, may his wife have the gift of forgiveness and be
able to erase it and make a fresh new start in this marriage. I declare
victory for him through the name of Jesus and believe as he listens to Your
voice to guide him, all will be saved and healed. Also, any negative talk against
him, will be silenced as he has humbled himself before You, his wife and all
he has spoken with. Thank You Lord for delivering him out of the hands of the
enemy. In Jesus name ~ Amen

JesusChica1991 · Oct 5, 2013

I am not a man...however, I am a woman who's had this happen to her before. I will definitely pray for you and the situation you have with your wife. Go to your adult male mentors and pray with them. As a woman, I know trust will be an issue with her for a while until you have proven to her that you are fully committed to her and her alone. Also, strengthen your relationship with Christ more as he is the the very rock and foundation of your relationships. Without him, your world around you will indeed fall apart. I pray Christ gives you the strength in the relationship you have with your wife. I also pray for your wife as she struggles through this. You have already began the first step of this process by recognizing that what you did was wrong. I will not promise a smooth road as this is a difficult tear in the cloth to mend. But Christ is in this process of healing on both ends.

Sidenote: I recommend you changing your phone number and block whatever means of communication you have with the other lady you spoke of. That would be another step in the process

savedandIknowit · Oct 5, 2013

I know its painful but if she wont forgive you you may need to only stand in the forgiveness of God alone and once you have confessed your sin to him, Its a lesson learned, thank God for that lesson

ServantStrike · Oct 5, 2013

Others here have given some good advice.

The one thing I thought might be a welcome addition is if you gave your wife a bit more control over the mediums that have caused this.

Maybe switch from a smart phone to a flip phone? Give your wife control of your computer too. There are programs available that will allow her to see everything you do online. Look into it maybe?

Christianrkchk89 · Oct 5, 2013

I agree with the changing your number idea. I think it'll show your wife that you're willing to earn her trust back one step at a time!

savedandhopeful · Oct 5, 2013

I can say I have been on both sides of the coin ..so to speak.....I know both what she is feeling and what you are feeling....I can tell you that it did turn out OK for me....but it took us a lot of work....a lot of long , painful talks....admitting that we both had issues....NO one is perfect... The bible says we are all sinners..but God can repair and restore....I am proof....pray....ask for forgiveness... Be patient with her and with yourself...don't beat yourself up...I know that does no good...even though right now you feel it is hopeless...with God nothing is impossible..
I will pray for you both

keep_on_smiling · Oct 5, 2013

Seek God and don't push your wife. I typically try to be more supportive, but what you did was wrong and there are so many people who make mistakes (little or big) and don't "realize" it until afterwards. Quite honestly you are lucky she hasn't left you, I certainly wouldn't stick around.

I'm praying that you won't let your own selfish desires hurt her anymore. Be there for her as much as she wants you and do anything it takes to prove yourself. Starting with getting rid of your phone number.

Angela53510 · Oct 7, 2013

I am wondering why the title is a question? You seem to realize that what you have done is cheating. No, you did not sleep with the woman, but you were only one step away from doing it.

You say you love your wife, so why would you do this? Why would you toy with another woman? You are 100% responsible for what you have done.

I would say that you need to get marriage counseling and personal counseling. Get to the bottom of why you played with fire. Sexting is a dangerous game and you got caught and burned!

As a woman, I don't blame your wife for feeling like you have betrayed her. But the situation could be reversed. As the Francis Chan video pointed out so well - take responsibility for what you have done. Treat your wife like she should be treated, and pray that God will restore your marriage.

But understand, that if you fool around again, you will lose your wife. No one wants to be cheated on twice. I do hope that you can save your marriage. Just remember God is not mocked. You have played fast and easy with your marriage! That means that you have sinned against God. So repent, and do not go there again.

Grace-Like-Rain · Oct 7, 2013

I'm sorry this happened, and glad you got caught. I've been on the receiving end of this, and I understand your desire not to "hurt" her by being completely honest, but trust me - she would rather be hurt by honesty than deceived by lies. You need to be completely transparent with her. When she does feel like talking, I hope that you will answer every question with total honesty, holding NOTHING back. I'm sure much of her pain is from not knowing if you would ever have told her, not knowing if you've done this before, and not knowing if you'll do it again.

Things that will help rebuild trust:

Give her your phone. This is the "hand" that lead to your downfall, so you need to cut it off! If you have to have your phone, get a non-texting phone, or buy and install a monitoring system so that she can view what you text or type anytime she needs to, and encourage her to do so. Obviously, no more co-ed chat rooms for you. This is your weakness. Know that and recognize it. Married men do NOT need to be in the habit of talking one-on-one with any woman for any reason, IMO.

Find a Christian counselor and start marriage counseling asap. Also, confess to a male mentor or friend. You need to let your ministry leaders know as well. They may feel that you should take a leave of ministry while you get things straightened out.

Find out why you did it (not excuses, NOT casting blame elsewhere, but honest reasons) and share them with your wife *when she's ready to hear them*.

Realize - and admit to her - that this WAS an affair. Lack of opportunity is all that prevented it from being physical, and eventually that likely would have happened too.

Understand that couples - especially couples heavily involved in ministry - will come under spiritual attack. Those involved in ministry (and everyone else) need to be even more vigilant, even more on guard. Have boundaries and stick to them.

Hope this helps some. It will be a lot of hard work, but your marriage can be saved if you want it to be. Praying right now for you both.

MidniteWelder · Oct 7, 2013

Grace-Like-Rain said:

Wise advice for both men and women.
And may I add a wise proverb to the verse telling us to confess our sins to one another when being transparently honest with the one committed against.

James 5:16
Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.
The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.

Proverbs 27:6
6 Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.

Hopefully as followers of Christ within our own convictions it is also realized that its not just the one wronged who has been offended.

Matthew 25
40 And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.

cordiolus · Oct 7, 2013

Mm I've never had a relationship entrenched with any faith but I have had relationships where I cared deeply about the person and I have been on both sides of this fence.

Once, I had a girlfriend leave me for someone else, and another time I had a girlfriend find texts on my phone, not unsimilar to yours. I felt like you did. Ashamed, confused. I knew that I cared about her deeply but all the same, while I was texting someone else it almost felt automatic at times. As though I couldnt help myself.

Of course we went through the motions and I realized that she wasnt upset about the act of me texting someone else per se, it was more that I didnt sit down and talk to her and tell her the truth. I tried denying it, i tried playing it down. I didnt want her to feel like it was a bit deal but it was a big deal.

And I realised that her and I, our relationship, had become stagnant. We weren't progressing, or moving forward. We had slipped into a routine and the spark had begun to fade and almost sub-consciously, I had tried to escape. It took me so long to take responsibility and to realise that she must be feeling similarly.And partners do tend to feel quite similarly in relationships where the fire has died down.

My advice would be to search yourself and be honest about it. Find out why you looked for companionship besides your wife. And when you find a reason, talk to her about it. Tell her how you feel. How ashamed you are. How it feels like you were only seeking out a connection that you wish to have with her. The other woman is a woman you dont love, but sometimes it is easier to find a quick fix replacement than confront the real McCoy and be honest about what state your relationship lies in.

seekingthetruth · Oct 7, 2013

So sorry you have to live with the feeling that you have in your heart right now. Take some time out by your self and turn the situation around. What would you do, think, feel? Take it from there and be especially aware of what she is going through. Pray for her as well as yourself. God will see you both through this

KJV15John11 · Oct 8, 2013

[video=youtube_share;DNZmqtzoYaY]http://youtu.be/DNZmqtzoYaY[/video]

The lighter side of work romances.

Cheating through Texting?

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