Men opinions please!

[answers]

What exactly do 19 or 21 year olds know about marriage if they haven't really lived, never mind also not likely to have even married. I like the way also they also have the ideas before then finding scriptural contexts to back up their thinking. How about searching the scriptures for the contexts...then apply it to the personal facts of this lady, not vice versa. The lady's statements were her desires that should be there already in her husband. This also applies to ladies in her position, not just hers alone. When others have married or been in long-term relationships, perhaps this may then qualify you to be equipped to understand the reasonable Christian wife or reasonable Christian husband standard. Let's assume this list of yours gets your husband to think about you and your needs, as he now knows you're aware of his failures. He may then send you a list of his own, and he may put his heart out there, as humble as you have. However, bear in mind, it could be said, men may not especially be very forward with their feelings. It is quite terrible too that you're apparently not having sex so much? Well, he has a Godly duty to provide this. Why do you even listen to young people without them having experiences or being able to reason in view of all of the circumstances? Nonetheless, if any person shows he or she can they reason, then their opinion should NOT be discarded.

Thank you for responding. My husband and I do have sex on his time, which is okay as long as he remembers to pay some attention to me emotionally and socially. I can have fun with words too. I have a large sarcastic perversion (with my husband) that we both enjoy, but usually when he (I do not know how to put this delicately) has had his fill? he forgets to stay connected to me. I am sure this is somewhat typical, but I am slightly annoyed of the circle we are in. I do not complain about it until something like what I mentioned in a previous response happens and then I feel even more abandoned and a tide-full of emotions come thrashing in. I feel we both are in a rut. Partly because of his current job and partly because I feel we should be in a higher level of thinking and relationship style, closer to what I read in the bible.

Anyhow, it really has helped my thinking to have all the men's opinions whether they applied or not to this particular moment or to a possible future moment. I understand that I did not convey my objective very well. I wanted my husband to fully understand and be aware of where my thinking is, where my reactions come from, and what I want of him. Obviously, it sounds like a ton of stuff when I broke down every aspect of our life, but I am aware that he is not going to do everything the exact way I would prefer, nor would I want him too. I just want him to want to try. I give that to him.

I truly thank you for your defense. God bless.

 

[Enow]

One demand I have been keeping a mind of is always put the toilet seat back down, but that's for every men, not husbands as I am not married.

Course, not every man heed that demand either.

 

[answers]

One demand I have been keeping a mind of is always put the toilet seat back down, but that's for every men, not husbands as I am not married.

Course, not every man heed that demand either.

Funny, well I say close the lid, so we both have to raise and lower the seat!

 

[Enow]

Funny, well I say close the lid, so we both have to raise and lower the seat!

Heeheehee... yeah.

 

[AAAPlus]

Instead of a list of demands, perhaps going through a relationship book or therapy together might work a little better.

 

[Enow]

Funny, well I say close the lid, so we both have to raise and lower the seat!

Found something on the internet in case you missed it.

http://www.today.com/news/marriage-isnt-you-author-my-wife-was-touched-viral-post-8C11534692 ]'Marriage Isn't for You' author: My wife was touched by viral post

I don't know why, but the link isn't being copied right in this post. The forum features are messing it up.

 

[Enow]

The link works now in that previous post FYI.

Nope. It does not.

Try this one:

Marriage Isn’t For You | Seth Adam Smith

 

[Angela53510]

Well, I am a woman, but since I have been married for 33 years to a man who sometimes is good and sometimes mean, I thought I would just make a few comments.

First is that sometimes I am good and sometimes I am mean to him. I don't mean to be, and wisdom has taught me to understand that walking with Christ means growing and learning, just like it is with husbands. We are both imperfect, but accepting those imperfections and giving them to God is the beginning of a better marriage.

Second, I did not even make it through part of your list. It was "all about me". There was not one comment about how you would change to make the relationship better. Try this short list, instead.

I will not be so demanding of his time.

I will not be jealous of his sports, but pray instead that God will convict him of it.

I will be patient, which is a fruit of the Holy Spirit.

In fact, I would re-do the whole list, make it about the changes YOU are going to make. Then work on it. Or give him the list. Whatever you want.

You simply cannot change another person. God can, but you cannot. You married the man, and I am sure he was this way before you met him. Why do you think you can force him to change?

My husband changed radically 8 years ago, but it was prayer and the Holy Spirit that changed him. And changed me! I realized that I cannot force him to do things. And sometimes he is down, or depressed. Or sick or tired. And that makes it hard for him to do the things that need to be done, especially after working a hard week with constant overtime.

This last weekend we knew it was going to snow. Lots of things had to be done. He made a list, then fell asleep, after working 12 overtime days straight. I just lay beside him and read. He finally got up, just as the snow came, and he started getting the things done, except one thing that was not on his list. I guess we will just buy a new hose and sprayer in the spring. It was not important enough to cause a fight about.

He had to be self motivated to do what he did. If I had pushed him, it would have meant a fight, and things would certainly not have gotten done.

So please, try and see how he feels, and do work on changing yourself, with the help of God. That's all we can do as wives.

 

[Ariel82]

Answers, I'm glad you and your husband worked it out.

we often forget that sometimes our priorities are not everyone else's. My husband likes to spend hours riding his bike, but I've found we both like him better if he has time to do something that helps him relax.

I think your husband's weekly basketball game might be like that. A time for him to relax and not stress out about life.

I hope you are able to finish your pens and everything before the winter sets in. I'm not a man and I'm not giving you my opinion, lol. just wanted to offer my prayers and thanks to God for helping you work it all out.

God bless and keep you.



PS. don't beat yourself up too much about "the list"

 

[maxwel]

Answers,

If you've been married for a while and don't even know how to write your own husband ONE LETTER...

you guys need serious marriage counseling.


I'd recommend you both get marriage counseling together from a pastor, so you can get good biblical advice.
And you need to go TOGETHER.

God Bless,
MAX

 

[Nick01]

My suggestion was going to be that if you and your husband are only sorting this by yourselves, and your relationship only revolves around the two of you, then you're asking for trouble.

All the fruitful marriages I have seen are a couple working together as a unit, in the context of a wider community. The reality is that you will not provide everything the other person needs, that is not your job, so don't even try. Having time only together is fine, but it's also important to have time together with other people. IF you aren't already, find things that you both can do with other people at church, or whatever. Socials. Dinners. Ministry. Whatever. If you can get to the point where you can get together with other married couples and talk about marriage, great, but it's not necessary. Be in community, and God's Body will help make up what lacks between the two of you.

But I'm glad things have developed between you two, and lines of communication seem clearer. I'd say the most important thing is to have an environment where you can both be honest with each other, with the foundational principle that, anything you say to each other is honest, may involve expression of hurt, but is fundementally about edifying the relationship, not just yourself. If you can do that, I think that will help steady those conversations, because you know the other person is trying to make things better for both of you, not just one.

My 2c

 

[Huckleberry]

As Christians, spouses, and parents we ought to be servants.
The heart of a servant ought not to cry, "I need...",
it ought to ask, "What do they need?"

Philippians 2:
[SUP]1[/SUP] If there be therefore any consolation in Christ, if any comfort of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit, if any bowels and mercies,
[SUP]2[/SUP] Fulfil ye my joy, that ye be likeminded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind.
[SUP]3[/SUP] Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves.
[SUP]4[/SUP] Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.
[SUP]5[/SUP] Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus:
[SUP]6[/SUP] Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God:
[SUP]7[/SUP] But made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men:
[SUP]8[/SUP] And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross.
[SUP]9[/SUP] Wherefore God also hath highly exalted him, and given him a name which is above every name:
[SUP]10[/SUP] That at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of things in heaven, and things in earth, and things under the earth;
[SUP]11[/SUP] And that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

 

[tdrew777]

Don't throw away the list.. it looks like a secret prayer list….. You might solicit/negotiate a few changes that your husband would like to see in you. As you work on THOSE things together, pray secretly that your husband would start to do THESE things. Let your prayers be turned to praises as you and your husband become conformed to the image of Christ together. Just an idea.

 

[Fenner]

Hello,

I copied a note I wrote my husband and I wanted men's opinions and advice. We have been having the same issues for years and I have been on this site before for help. I want to hear other men's responses to my letter to see if I am unreasonable, stupid, or crazy. Keep in mind, this is written in the mix of escalated problems that he refused to speak to me about. Please feel free to be honest. I want to be a good wife to my husband.

I thank everyone in advance for responding. The note begins below.






Why do you treat me like an enemy or something that is replaceable, if you want to be with me for the rest of our lives? I do not understand this kind of logic and it only confirms the doubt you create by this sort of action.


I work hard to be one with you and it now feels impossible to achieve.








I NEED:


A husband who cares when I am uneasy, hurt, sad, frustrated, unhappy, angry, glad, lazy, energized, ambitious, lost, lonely, needy, and horny.


A husband who strives to please me.


A husband who needs me.


A husband who supports me in more ways than financial.


A husband who wants and needs to be one of the biggest parts of mine and the kids lives.


A husband who desires to spend quality, and a reasonably peaceful time with the family.


A husband who thinks before acting, so he teaches the family to do the same.


A husband who wants and tries to set the best example in every moment.


A husband who enjoys and wants to help the family even with little things.


A husband who devotes more time to the family than with technology.


A husband who TRULY learns GOD'S WORD and lives it IN and OUT of the home.


A husband who takes his family to church and makes that a priority over anything.


A husband who wants to be a husband and enjoys his life as one.


A husband who lives to be a father and takes pride in spending time, teaching, and loving his children.


A husband who FULLY knows what love is and shows it to his family.


A husband who FEELS LOVE.


A husband who would fight to "do right" by his family even if he has to be vulnerable, knock down walls, or live with his heart on his sleeve.


A husband who would kill himself to save or protect his family.


A husband who would strain his body in order to give comfort to his kids.


A husband who would react with protection and security to his kids short comings.


A husband who lives to provide safety and trust to his family.


A husband who fights for what is right and to solve problems, NOT create them.


A husband who would find a solution and attempt to solve before going to sleep at night.


A husband who does not put himself first majority of the time.


A husband who can balance his interests and family in a practical, logical, and rational way.


A husband who does not act nicer to outsiders and put on a performance for them.


A husband who is HONEST with himself and others.


A husband who is faithful.


A husband who's word is solid.


A husband who has values and morals and sticks to them.


A husband who is NOT angry majority of the time.


A husband who has fun or makes life fun in anything done together.


A husband who does not take pleasure in causing distress in all of our lives.


A husband who teaches his boys how to be a "real man" and teaches his daughter how to find a "real man".


A husband who intentionally walks, talks, and reacts.


A husband who is not afraid of living.


A husband who wants and works toward progress, but finds contentment in his family.


A husband who has long-term goals.


A husband who has depth and substance.


A husband who appreciates me and the kids.


A husband who loves himself enough to have a great home life.


A husband who listens and responds.


A husband who is NOT self-absorbed.


A husband who makes me feel heard.


A husband who responds during disputes and does NOT ignore me.


A husband who makes me want to be a better wife and mother.


A husband who assures me if I am doubtful.


A husband who lifts me up when I fall.


A husband who shows chivalry.


A husband who respects me.


A husband who is darn near obsessed with me.




Obviously, I have needs. I tried to be as specific as possible, because I want this all. I deserve to have this. I am not being unreasonable and I am willing to give as well. I try, but I am depleted. I need this more now than ever. WE WILL NOT MAKE IT unless YOU TRY TOO.

It sounds like you and your husband aren't communicating. I am not sure what provoked you to write this but I imagine he isn't spending time with you and your kids. My husband works a lot and unfortunately we don't get to spend a lot of time together, but we try to make the most of the time we all have together.

From the way your letter sounds it sounds like he neglects you and your kids emotionally. I'm not sure if that's true but it comes off that way. In that case I think marital counseling is a good way to go if you can get him to go. If he's anything like my husband and you show him this letter he's going to become defensive and shut down.

I might say something like, I love you, we need to spend more time together as a family because we miss you. I would like to make our marriage stronger but I need your help with that. Please set some time aside for us to talk.

Obsession is not something you want, that's a very unhealthy thing. I realize your hurt and you're writing your feelings. I understand that. I've been married for 14 years, we've had our share of up's and down's.

I'm sorry for your pain and I've been there. I'll be praying for you and your family. God Bless you.

 

[Fenner]

I'm sorry, I read through this more thoroughly. I know about husbands not finishing things. It's really frustrating, I would have been mad if he left when you're in the middle of a goat pen trying to fix it. I hope he will go to counseling with you, he sounds like he has some serious growing up to do.

Anyhow I will pray for you and God Bless.

 

[SpudLove]

IMO -

I bet if you had everything on that list you would want your old (non-super) human partner back

 

[answers]

For anyone who is wondering, I have wrote him letters speaking about what I can do for him, or what I do for him, or what I will do. I have NEVER written him a letter that talks about what I want from him or the degree I want something. I ONLY wrote this, not as demands, but as a guide to what is in ME. Whether he does one thing or all is up to him. I just wanted to bring my emotions, wants, needs, etc to his attention. More for the reason, so he does not feel lost if I am upset regarding something.

We have gone to Christian marriage counseling and the entire time we went my husband confessed. I sat and felt like crap, because I do not want him to feel bad about himself, but he does because he is lazy in EVERYTHING he does (his words).
The counselor told me I NEED to demand, because I do not. I hold it in because I do not want to seem ungrateful, or non submissive. I do not understand how to express, stand my ground occasionally, and how to be submissive. The Christian counslor even told me to use swear words when I am mad, I still do not do that because I think it is not right. He told me I hold men and professionals (like him) too high. He told my husband he NEEDS to become involved, engaged, intentional, and loving or he will lose a great wife.
We have not gone to counseling in about three years. We are due for a tune-up, but I do not see why we cannot use all the tools we have been given, biblically and worldly.

I have read many responses which speak about the above stuff, so I thought I should respond.

 

[Enow]

For anyone who is wondering, I have wrote him letters speaking about what I can do for him, or what I do for him, or what I will do. I have NEVER written him a letter that talks about what I want from him or the degree I want something. I ONLY wrote this, not as demands, but as a guide to what is in ME. Whether he does one thing or all is up to him. I just wanted to bring my emotions, wants, needs, etc to his attention. More for the reason, so he does not feel lost if I am upset regarding something.

We have gone to Christian marriage counseling and the entire time we went my husband confessed. I sat and felt like crap, because I do not want him to feel bad about himself, but he does because he is lazy in EVERYTHING he does (his words).
The counselor told me I NEED to demand, because I do not. I hold it in because I do not want to seem ungrateful, or non submissive. I do not understand how to express, stand my ground occasionally, and how to be submissive. The Christian counslor even told me to use swear words when I am mad, I still do not do that because I think it is not right. He told me I hold men and professionals (like him) too high. He told my husband he NEEDS to become involved, engaged, intentional, and loving or he will lose a great wife.
We have not gone to counseling in about three years. We are due for a tune-up, but I do not see why we cannot use all the tools we have been given, biblically and worldly.

I have read many responses which speak about the above stuff, so I thought I should respond.

John 6:[SUP]28 [/SUP]Then said they unto him, What shall we do, that we might work the works of God? [SUP]29 [/SUP]Jesus answered and said unto them, This is the work of God, that ye believe on him whom he hath sent.

Psalm 118:[SUP]8 [/SUP]It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man.

1 Peter 5:[SUP]6 [/SUP]Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time: [SUP]7 [/SUP]Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you. [SUP]8 [/SUP]Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour: [SUP]9 [/SUP]Whom resist stedfast in the faith, knowing that the same afflictions are accomplished in your brethren that are in the world. [SUP]10 [/SUP]But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you. [SUP]11 [/SUP]To him be glory and dominion for ever and ever. Amen.

2 Timothy 4:[SUP]18 [/SUP]And the Lord shall deliver me from every evil work, and will preserve me unto his heavenly kingdom: to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen.

 

[jctraveler]

Hello,

I copied a note I wrote my husband and I wanted men's opinions and advice. We have been having the same issues for years and I have been on this site before for help. I want to hear other men's responses to my letter to see if I am unreasonable, stupid, or crazy. Keep in mind, this is written in the mix of escalated problems that he refused to speak to me about. Please feel free to be honest. I want to be a good wife to my husband.

I thank everyone in advance for responding. The note begins below.






Why do you treat me like an enemy or something that is replaceable, if you want to be with me for the rest of our lives? I do not understand this kind of logic and it only confirms the doubt you create by this sort of action.


I work hard to be one with you and it now feels impossible to achieve.








I NEED:


A husband who cares when I am uneasy, hurt, sad, frustrated, unhappy, angry, glad, lazy, energized, ambitious, lost, lonely, needy, and horny.


A husband who strives to please me.


A husband who needs me.


A husband who supports me in more ways than financial.


A husband who wants and needs to be one of the biggest parts of mine and the kids lives.


A husband who desires to spend quality, and a reasonably peaceful time with the family.


A husband who thinks before acting, so he teaches the family to do the same.


A husband who wants and tries to set the best example in every moment.


A husband who enjoys and wants to help the family even with little things.


A husband who devotes more time to the family than with technology.


A husband who TRULY learns GOD'S WORD and lives it IN and OUT of the home.


A husband who takes his family to church and makes that a priority over anything.


A husband who wants to be a husband and enjoys his life as one.


A husband who lives to be a father and takes pride in spending time, teaching, and loving his children.


A husband who FULLY knows what love is and shows it to his family.


A husband who FEELS LOVE.


A husband who would fight to "do right" by his family even if he has to be vulnerable, knock down walls, or live with his heart on his sleeve.


A husband who would kill himself to save or protect his family.


A husband who would strain his body in order to give comfort to his kids.


A husband who would react with protection and security to his kids short comings.


A husband who lives to provide safety and trust to his family.


A husband who fights for what is right and to solve problems, NOT create them.


A husband who would find a solution and attempt to solve before going to sleep at night.


A husband who does not put himself first majority of the time.


A husband who can balance his interests and family in a practical, logical, and rational way.


A husband who does not act nicer to outsiders and put on a performance for them.


A husband who is HONEST with himself and others.


A husband who is faithful.


A husband who's word is solid.


A husband who has values and morals and sticks to them.


A husband who is NOT angry majority of the time.


A husband who has fun or makes life fun in anything done together.


A husband who does not take pleasure in causing distress in all of our lives.


A husband who teaches his boys how to be a "real man" and teaches his daughter how to find a "real man".


A husband who intentionally walks, talks, and reacts.


A husband who is not afraid of living.


A husband who wants and works toward progress, but finds contentment in his family.


A husband who has long-term goals.


A husband who has depth and substance.


A husband who appreciates me and the kids.


A husband who loves himself enough to have a great home life.


A husband who listens and responds.


A husband who is NOT self-absorbed.


A husband who makes me feel heard.


A husband who responds during disputes and does NOT ignore me.


A husband who makes me want to be a better wife and mother.


A husband who assures me if I am doubtful.


A husband who lifts me up when I fall.


A husband who shows chivalry.


A husband who respects me.


A husband who is darn near obsessed with me.




Obviously, I have needs. I tried to be as specific as possible, because I want this all. I deserve to have this. I am not being unreasonable and I am willing to give as well. I try, but I am depleted. I need this more now than ever. WE WILL NOT MAKE IT unless YOU TRY TOO.

the thing that sticks out to me when i read this is "WE WILL NOT MAKE IT". it sounds kinda threatening. i think that you should seek a qualified Christian marriage counselor.

 

[answers]

The link works now in that previous post FYI.

Nope. It does not.

Try this one:

Marriage Isn’t For You | Seth Adam Smith

I really liked that, thanks for sharing.