It was very early after I gave my life up to the Lord, that He revealed to me what I was meant to do and who I am. One word, 'recruiter', specifically for the backslidden. I thought it was absurd. Still, months and months later, I complain the same complaint. "But God, I am a Kindergarten teacher. A KINDERGARTEN TEACHER. Do I look like some Rambo or MacGyver?" But as soon as I tear my eyes and heart away from that calling, I feel completely lost and off track. I try to distract myself with other good and Godly things but I just feel like I'm circling the same mountain rather then climbing it.
I went to another church 11 months ago, I left because I was so hungry, and what I wanted wasn't there. I couldn't tell the 'Christians' apart from the worldly people. People were too afraid to lift their hands in worship, girls kept complaining about the guys in the bands cheating on such and such, and I would wait for a heart capturing message, but only received some sermon on manners or something very tamed that lacked fire. Yet my heart YEARNED for these people. I saw people in shackles rather than saints lifting their hands and voices as a free people.
So, I infiltrated one of their 'Life Group' bible study sessions. I still had a friend at that church who kept encouraging me to share my testimonies and learnings with others and so I took her invitation. Now, I spend my Tuesday nights sharing my testimonies with people I barely know. When I do, they go strangely quiet, and for a second, I wonder if I look ridiculous or nutty, I wonder if I stepped over some line and comfort zone, but then that thought is quickly lost because my heart is pouring out of my mouth and I can't stop it. Sentences build up inside me and if I don't release them, I feel like I would completely combust. I would tell them where I slipped, where I fell, and where God caught me. I would tell them this was a giant I conquered, it was hard, it hurt, but Jesus never left my side.
There has been some resistance. The man leading the group would keep saying, "Yes, see when you're new in the Lord, it is like this, but when you've been in the Lord for awhile, like me, you lose that zeal and life distracts you and you hit reality again." Yet, I couldn't imagine living life with out a fire that continually grows. I never want my flame to be snuffed out, the more I come to know my God, the more I want. The more he feeds me and fulfils my needs, the hungrier I get. THAT is the average life of a Christian, under no circumstances does the Bible state that a life lacking passion is okay.
The dreams. I had a dream months ago that myself and a few others were infiltrating these year 2 classes that were also a theme park. Children were learning in an entertainment based environment (like some churches here). In this certain year 2 class, there were children, teenagers and adults there, still learning the basics. I was hand picking people out of the classroom because there was a special place I had to take them, a place where all these people dressed in white.
The dream, very recently, a cruise ship was being hammered by waves. People started swimming to the shore, but couldn't get far. I had to go and swim them back to the shore, to safety. One elderly gentleman had to sit on my shoulders.
So, this is my calling. I may be a Kindergarten teacher, I still may have a phenomenal way to go and to learn, thinking of the mission at hand still scares me, but I am not alone, and I wouldn't want to live any other life apart from the one God calls me to live. I want every step in my walk to make a declaration, that the God that leads me and the God I love and serve is a good God. I want every action to glorify Him because I love Him, if my everything isn't Him, the I have nothing. I breathe for Him and I breathe -in- Him, I am His and He is mine.
I had to keep adding "I'm not angry. It's just the way my avatar looks." Then someone PM'd me and said, "Were you angry when you made that avatar? Maybe if you changed it, people wouldn't think you were angry." So I changed it. 
![aAn_cKittenDance[1].gif](https://christianchat.com/data/attachments/13/13853-1ee578529538fd1553d066405b9dae9a.jpg?hash=HuV4UpU4_R "aAn_cKittenDance[1].gif")
