Marriage troubles... looking for strength

emptymailbag · Nov 26, 2013

Forgive me for asking something that looks as though it has been asked many times already, but rather than reading someone else's post about marital issues, I am now faced with my own.
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Brief synopsis...
My wife and I have been married for nearly 20 years.
Yesterday I find that she has been with another man for nearly a year now.
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Why do I hurt so much?!?!?
As a Christians, we all stumble. And as a Christian, I have always leaned on the Lord for my strength. Now is the first time where I feel alone. I know that I am not, but I feel that way. I know HE hasn't abandoned me... I know it... but I just feel alone.

I told her that I forgive her, that there were no strings attached, she only needed to tell me that the relationship was over. I told her that I would not cause a scene for the family, no issues with our 3 boys, nothing for her at work (which is where she met him), no judgments, no anger... I only need closure. That seemed to be the major hang-up for her... she kept insisting that there were things that needed to be considered, his feelings to think about, that she enjoys him AND me. It really looked like it was tearing her up inside, wrestling with the thought of telling this married man that she has been friends with for years, that she was being asked to chose between her husband... and an intimate friend.

She had confided in him a great deal about our marriage, things that I was too thick to see or hear. I read the emails, the way in which he was, at least in my interpretation, manipulating the conversation to have a particular outcome... the bedroom. There were some very explicit conversations, things that make me want to be a non-Christian and corner him at his office.

I can't do that... it isn't right... it isn't what I want my 3 boys to see... I feel helpless. Any issue that I cause for him will only wreck his marriage, his business, and possibly spill over into ours. I really WANT to, I cannot tell you how badly I WANT to... but that is self-serving... only helping me through this, not "us".

And it looks like I have been just rambling on and on... clearing my mind, getting it off of my chest, and letting my heart get out from under the weight for a moment... it makes me thankful.

Have a blessed day,
-emptymailbag

cipher · Nov 26, 2013

Dear emptymailbag,
I am sorry to hear this and I pray God resolves this beautifully with both families intact.

My suggestion would be some spirit filled Christian counseling. Without spirit filled Christian counseling it could get emotionally out of control for your wife leaving the door open for the other man to manipulate further. May God Bless you.

nelsonwisdom · Nov 26, 2013

be trust in God.

eddie1801 · Nov 26, 2013

Hello:

First of all, I want to welcome you to CC. This is a good place to come to hear obtain Godly wisdom from.Secondly, I want to say that I am sorry for hearing about your current situation. It must feel terrible being in this situation. Just a couple of observations and advice I could give. You are right in a lot of ways. Your wife is at fault, and she must completely give up this relationship with this guy. Even if that means obtaining a different job, to be away from this man. Her soul is far more important than having a job. I dont know if you mentioned this in your original message,but is your wife a Christian?? Do your church offer christian marital counseling? If so, you guys need to have Christian counseling. However, your wife may not feel comfortable doing this or may not want to do it at all. Please do not fall for this trap. The enemy is controlling her mind and she may want this issue to remain in secret. She has gotten use to this affair,and this will force her to come out of this "sinful" comfort zone. For what she has done, the least she could do is go to a Christian counselor to address this issue and other things in your marriage. If she is not willing to do these things,..I believe you have to give her some ultimatum, if not it is possible for her to want to live in this sinful existence. For the sake of your wife, you do not want the judgement hand of God to come down on your wife.

Here are some "light" options for your wife (A) completely shut down this relationship with this man (B) Go to Christian counseling with you and address this. If she cannot do A and B for the sake of a 20 year marriage then you should have a ultimatum. That s just my opinion I hope this works out for you.

adsd · Nov 26, 2013

I know your pain. I learned during this time to look to God and his answer only. look to him every second of every day ask but listen. my husband left the marriage when he made that decision to have an affair. 2 years later God opened doors for me because I put him first. remember it is all in Gods time. bring it and give it to God , this is your relationship first. again LISTEN TO HIM. you will be broken then you will be rebuilt stronger no matter the out come. do not allow satan to have this. all evil is turned to good in Gods world. you are loved by Jesus that is your concern. feel free to message if needed.

emptymailbag · Nov 26, 2013

Thank you all, for giving me some help... it means more than you will ever know.

cipher & nelsonwisdom... thank you.

eddie1801... thank you as well. Yes, she is a Christian. While she was explaining things to me, I did my absolute best to not yell, and to not get emotional, trying instead to keep my hurt "in check". I am not sure if I should have handled it that way, or if I should have put a fist through the wall. I really wanted to scream and throw profanities, but what would have been the point?

She kept saying that she wanted him AND me, and that she was perfectly fine with me going to find my fulfillment outside of our marriage as well. My jaw must have hung there for 10 minutes or so. I didn't know what to say. My mind racing, heart slamming... the only thing I could think about was how much I love her, and that if I didn't agree, I was going to lose her. I told her that whatever made her happy, THAT was the most important thing to me. She said several time that she wants the stability of our home life and family, while she is free to continue with this other gentleman.

She went off to bed shortly after, and with me being unable to sleep or eat, I was left pacing the floor. Conversations with myself was mostly me trying to rationalize her request. If it makes her happy, she will stay, if I give in to my heart and tell her to quit with him, she leaves.

I searched the internet for hours, looking for people and their stories of "open" relationships, knowing in my heart it is wrong, but merely wanting someone to tell me that it would be alright. None of them did. Not one article written in Christian context, not one contributor, not one defendant of the idea. Certainly there were plenty who suggest to just let it happen, it will make her happy, thereby making you happy... except they all seemed to point to a downward spiral of lies and jealousy.

Around 3am she got up, I guess from me not being in bed with her. She came downstairs to me waiting for her with a small section I printed from an article like I was speaking about above. I took a deep breath, held my composure, and set out explaining how she is the single most important thing to me, this side of Heaven. How my heart has been crushed, and how I could not sit by and watch her be with another man... pretending to play along as though nothing is wrong. She was going to have to make a choice... me or him.

I told her that we needed Christian Counseling, but at the very least, I need the counseling. I need the direction and guidance of someone who can see me and my faults, and help me to be the one she needs. I know that money has been tight for us for quite some time, but if it meant that I have to take on some other job... I would.

She agreed this morning, around 4:30am that she would call things off with him. Still, I could tell she was reluctant. I told her that no matter what she had done with him, no matter how bad she thought it was, I will and had already forgiven her. The only thing that I truly needed from her was for her to be completely honest about stopping that relationship. Satan is good at what he does, he twists and plots his way so smoothly. She says that she wants to talk to the other man in person, rather than on the phone while he is away for the Thanksgiving holiday. Honestly... I do not know what to think about that... I'm just... dazed.

She is my world... I don't know what I would do without her. I've known her since she was 6, my heart has always been hers. Giving her the opportunity to say things are finished, face to face, it just gouges at my heart even more... because she seems very concerned about his feelings. I don't hate him, honestly I don't. I just have less than zero percent of respect for him. He himself being a married man, walking in and doing as he has done... I honestly fear for my control should I ever meet him myself. I have to be better, I have to be stronger... it's easy to give in to Satan and let him direct me. I just want him to go away. Just go away, please. He is with family, I should respect that, even though he did not respect mine. I feel that God is asking me to forgive him as well, I just don't know if I have that in me. I need to, I really do want to... I just can't.

Oh, on the lighter side of things. I figured I would do something nice for her today at lunch, after all of our late night discussions. I went to stop by Starbucks to get her some coffee she likes, and help her make it through her day a little easier. 100 yards before I get there, someone rear ends my car. The officer couldn't understand why I was standing in the rain, soaking wet, with this huge smile on my face. It's all a matter of perspective, officer... if this is what Satan has left up his sleeve... it's a cake-walk from here on.

Please forgive my long winded posts. I should try and eat, seeing as how for the last 2 days I haven't. Or maybe sleep... 4 hours in two days seems a little less than optimal.

I have been shot at, attacked by thugs, fought in the ring, had 4 major car accidents where someone tried to squish my car, I've been nearly ran over while I was on foot by a car that was air-born after hitting a fire-hydrant, had a few things broken, been around the world a couple of times in the military. Even still... given all of that, to make things right with her, I would do it all again, on my knees, if this is what God wants me to do. How could I do anything less.

Have a blessed day,
-emptymailbag

emptymailbag · Nov 26, 2013

adsd said:

I know your pain. I learned during this time to look to God and his answer only. look to him every second of every day ask but listen. my husband left the marriage when he made that decision to have an affair. 2 years later God opened doors for me because I put him first. remember it is all in Gods time. bring it and give it to God , this is your relationship first. again LISTEN TO HIM. you will be broken then you will be rebuilt stronger no matter the out come. do not allow satan to have this. all evil is turned to good in Gods world. you are loved by Jesus that is your concern. feel free to message if needed.

Thank you... I am truly at a loss for words. Thank you.

Have a blessed day,
-emptymailbag

twosparrows · Nov 26, 2013

I do not think love is a feeling as much as a choice. I have been where your wife is now. I am grateful my situation didn't go too far, but still the fault is my own.
While she may have true feelings for this other, and while there may have been many troubles which nudged her towards the edge, she has a choice.
She agreed to bind herself to you. She needs to choose to honor that, and remove all that could distract her. There is a movie called Fireproof. There is also a study book for couples (one book for each of you) called Fireproof Your Marriage. Another is The Love Dare. I STRONGLY suggest these helpful tools. They were suggested to me by members of my church.
To make a long story short: My husband is the only man in my heart. I now FEEL the rightness of my choice. We are best friends and are always careful to safeguard our hearts.
I will be praying for the two of you. God give you the strength and wisdom only He can provide.

emptymailbag · Nov 26, 2013

twosparrows said:

I do not think love is a feeling as much as a choice. I have been where your wife is now. I am grateful my situation didn't go too far, but still the fault is my own.
While she may have true feelings for this other, and while there may have been many troubles which nudged her towards the edge, she has a choice.
She agreed to bind herself to you. She needs to choose to honor that, and remove all that could distract her. There is a movie called Fireproof. There is also a study book for couples (one book for each of you) called Fireproof Your Marriage. Another is The Love Dare. I STRONGLY suggest these helpful tools. They were suggested to me by members of my church.
To make a long story short: My husband is the only man in my heart. I now FEEL the rightness of my choice. We are best friends and are always careful to safeguard our hearts.
I will be praying for the two of you. God give you the strength and wisdom only He can provide.

Thank you for this.

Have a blessed day,
-emptymailbag

homwardbound · Nov 26, 2013

My prayers are for everyone involved, it is not a well situation for any and all. All I can say is, pray, pray, pray, and trust God no matter what the outcome. stand still in your heart and listen, seek out God's words through you, ask God for God's will in this entire endeavor, and then do as led, being dead to the thief that comes to steal, kill and destroy you through emotions of this situation at hand
The Devil apparently does not like you and is attacking through your spouse at you and using her thought patterns of seeds that are implanted in her from the enemy.
Find out is she willing to be counseled, does she want to save you all's Marriage, or is she wanting the cake eat it too!!!!!!!!!!!
Reality is able to face emotions and keep them at the caboose. Where as not wanting what is creates disaster.
It is reality that Divorce is in order and avoid all possibility of harming her, him, or anyone else, especially the kids.
I see there is a lot of learning for you to be able to live above these circumstances, no matter how it ends.
We as people can not control anyone else's free choices. That is what God chose, why? Because God does just love us that much for us to not be puppets even though we all make wrong choices. So /Brother love her and him and all just as God does love you, and face reality and tell them to do the same and get off of the cake, make a decision to what they are gojng to do, and then you can decide what you are going to do without depression getting in your way
Emotions in the lead create depression and anger that we all regret afterwards. And don't be led around by the nose either through the emotion of if: Then That will be:
Matt 10:16-20 I think can and will be enlightening to you as this is for you being a believer standing in Faith regardless of the situation. And maybe read the book of Job, stand firm Brother, this world hates believers and will do whatever it can to get us to stand down. Been where you are at a little differently though
Holding you up in prayer and then as well for this to somehow turn out for God's glory, someway

homwardbound · Nov 26, 2013

And welcome to hear at CC, God leads and when does not a mess forms, yet when he does lead a mess still forms
John 16:33 explains this

eddie1801 · Nov 26, 2013

Emptymailbag:

We really appreciate your honesty in this matter. You mentioned that your wife suggested "perfectly fine with me going to find my fulfillment outside of our marriage as well" This is a clear indication that the enemy has gained control and taken root in this woman's mind. I am even unsure if you should trust your wife suggestion to meet this man face to face to break it off. However, I will let God minister to you concerning this. But what I will say, that inspite of what your wife told you...YOU GUYS NEED TO SEEK CHRISTIAN COUNSELING. She may have told you that..just to buy time..so you guys wont go to christian counseling for you guys marriage. This episode needs to be exposed and addressed with spirit-filled advisers who are willing to sit you two down..discuss/expose this matter and pray for this marriage. Please do not just 'assume' everything is okay just because she claims she will end it. Question: Is it that easy for anyone to break a year long habit like that? I think you are a nice honest guy, but can be naive about things. Its good that you truly do love a person, HOWEVER when the devil has a person, mind, body ,and spirit they are spiritually blind. There is a couple of things she cannot see. She cannot see how deeply you are hurting, she cannot see the valuable marriage that you guys have started, and most importantly she does not see the CONSEQUENCES that will not only affect you two ,but your children also. I am praying for your family, but I hope you take this advice you are hearing here. You guys need counseling in spite of what she just told you. Reveal the matter and do not keep it secret. Hope everything works out for you.

chosenone · Nov 26, 2013

HI emptymailbag, Just wanted to sat that I have been in your shoes. After 17 years of marriage, my wife decided she wanted a divorce. It devestated me to come home from work to find that she had packed the kids suitcases and went. The only thing I had to look forward to was a brown envelope from her lawyer.
What hurt the most was the person she was having an affair with was someone I thought I could trust as a friend. Eventually, I picked up the pieces and moved on.
I will be praying for you and your wife
God bless

emptymailbag · Nov 26, 2013

eddie1801 said:

I am so very torn on wanting to accept her decision to end it with him, but I will not lie, I am very concerned that this "ending" may just be a postponement... something that simply comes back to find it's way in again. I want to believe her, I cannot tell you how much I want to believe her. A marriage is built on many things, obviously trust being a major pillar of that union. I do not want to feel this doubt, and I feel horrible for having it, I feel as though I am being robbed of peace. God has forgiveness for me and my sins, the same as He has it for all of His children. He separates us from those sins when we ask forgiveness, WE are the ones who choose to go back to find them... to bring them back up from the depths He cast them.

I know there are plenty of people in my life who would say that the fear of her recommitting those sins, or trying to reconnect the relationship with him will always be there for me, especially since it was such a long relationship. I can not live my life in fear, my relationship with the one I gave my life to is beyond compare on the scale of Earthly measure... I want to follow the Lord's example and remove the fear of the sin from our lives.

My burning question is, If I doubt her, doesn't that just possibly fuel the desire? In essence giving her reason to backslide or continue with him, seeing as how her own husband doesn't have faith in her commitment to the resolve. I know the counseling is of utmost importance, I believe that in my soul, this is not a matter of maybe... but a matter of certainty. My one true gut-wrenching fear is that my feelings towards this man, will be an obstacle not only for her, but for me. I don't want this load to carry, I truly do not. I have such a deep resentment for this man and what he has done... yes... she willingly participated... but I keep wanting to place the lion's share of the burden on his shoulders. I feel helpless in my forgiveness. Unable to fix the problem, unable to guide the outcome, I keep saying that I trust the Lord... I just NEED her to show that she does as well. I need complete closure, not some afternoon meeting with the two of them to discuss things over coffee... I need her to not walk, but to run from this. To remove this man from our lives in the most direct way possible. I am asking her to do something, that honestly, I am not sure she can. I feel that I am placing more on her to carry than she needs. We all make mistakes, we all sin, I just want him completely gone, I want her temptation completely removed. For crying out loud, how selfish am I!!!! What is this?!? This is killing me piece by piece.

The more I read what I have written here, the more I see the reference to "me". MY needs, MY wants, MY requirements... it would seem I just do not want to let go and let God. How horrible am I to deny Him His command? What kind of leader of a household am I? How can I be the rock for my children, the example for my boys, when I doubt myself, grasping and clinging to my ridiculously inadequate abilities. Nothing has been this hard... nothing has been this important to me. I would die for my wife and children if it meant they were safe or didn't have to experience this. I want to have faith in her statement, I want to have faith in her resolve, I WILL have it, I want it for what is most important to me... us.

I need to forgive him, this other man. It would seem as though I am really struggling with that part of the equation right now. I have to do it... I can not let him rob me of that as well... I have to. Lord, PLEASE help me do it... PLEASE.

Have a blessed day,
-emptymailbag

emptymailbag · Nov 26, 2013

chosenone said:

Thank you for those prayers. Thank you ALL for them, as well as the guidance and support you are showing.

Have blessed day,
-emptymailbag

grebtrah · Nov 26, 2013

Hi,
now i know why you have hurt: "She is my world... I don't know what I would do without her. I've known her since she was 6, my heart has always been hers." She is your world? Your heart has always been hers? That shocks me as christian.

My heart i gave to God in Jesus Christ and not to a woman and the world now and this kind of problems "test" have many in the world and you are not alone brother! i know it hurts. hope you forgive her all like God forgives and know. do you really thing she is yours or did God allow you the time with her?

Karraster · Nov 26, 2013

Hi and welcome to CC, it just breaks my heart to read your story. I wish I had words to help, but all I can say is this world has a devil prowling around seeking to devour anyone and everyone he can. I'll be holding you up in prayer my brother. God bless~

eddie1801 · Nov 26, 2013

emptymailbag said:

Emptymailbag:

The more I read your statements, the more sorrowful I feel for you. This is an example of the downward spiral that adultery causes in people's lives. You asked if you doubt her would it just fuel her desire? You have to acknowledge the wrong that she has done, AND the wrong she could do. It is obvious you are not dealing with a person being led by God. The fact of the matter is you cannot fully trust this woman, she has to earn your trust from now on. Again, you guys should seek Christian counseling for your and her sake/sanity. You have a lot of anger towards this man, and you are quick to forgive your wife. It is good to forgive your wife, however you must realize that man did not go before God and family and make vows to you. Your wife made vows to be faithful, to love you in rich or poor, to forsake all others, not this man. I think you should tell your wife to go to counseling with you or face some ultimatums. The ultimatums does not have to involve divorce. The point Im trying to make is that you are not dealing with the same woman you initially married and you are dealing with a woman who is being led/influenced by the devil. If she is a Christian, the holy spirit should be speaking to her concerning this adultery. I think with the assistance of christian counselors, they could convince her to turn back to God and you. Please do not think she can do this in her own strength. Do not naively believe everything right now.

emptymailbag · Nov 26, 2013

She and I just had a fairly intense heart to heart. I tried to be as transparent as I could, explaining how I needed her to make a decision... either she completely cut him off, called it quits, no face to face gentle let down... or she chose me and allowed us as a family to grow beyond this. I explained how I would NEVER be able to build on doubt, how I would constantly be feeling robbed by him, always worried about the relationship starting back or he trying to find his way back to her. She kept refusing, saying that their friendship of many years BEFORE this one year relationship, was more important to her, it was something that she felt needed to happen. He "deserves" more than to be called and told it's over. She insisted over and over that it was going to have to be her way, and I was going to have to live with it.

I reminded her that this other man is married as well, he has children, a career, friends and others he loves, and the lives that are being impacted by this relationship, this adulterous relationship, will tear both families, both lives apart... from within. I explained that this may the "good" that God was or is looking for, for her to push this man to the arms of his wife... to make things right with his marriage, because there is NO safety net anymore... no one to continue and hide with.

With every fiber of strength that I could muster, I told her flat and plain... either you do this for me, for our children, for US... or I will need to leave. I can not build our future on my fear, and that the only thing I can do for this man is to forgive him. I told her that until I know that he is not in the picture in any way, that the relationship is over COMPLETELY... I couldn't.

She sat and thought for a bit, my heart was slamming, and then it hit me... just pick up the phone, show her that I truly mean what I have been saying. Dial a friend, call a hotel, see if my mom is still awake, anyone that will listen... I need a place to stay. She gave in, she finally gave in... she said that she would end it over the phone with him, that she would not meet with him and try to console the friendship or steer it to a platonic direction. My heart sprung to my throat nearly choking me... she said it was more important to keep me and let us grow, than it was to keep his friendship.

I understand that we are far from out of the woods. She has agreed to counseling, even said she would call a friend of hers (not the other guy), and get a few numbers. We have a tremendous way to go, but as I said, I will do it on my knees if that is what God asks of me.

There is hope, I can finally see that there is hope.

Have a blessed day,
-emptymailbag

Karraster · Nov 26, 2013

Thanks for sharing that. Godspeed my friend. I hope this hurdle will strengthen your marriage. Blessings~

Marriage troubles... looking for strength

emptymailbag

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cipher

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