P
HI
I wonder if you can help me!!
Looking through what people have posted on here it seems like in comparison what I have to deal with is very minor in comparison, but I am very much struggling, any wisdom would be appreciated.
The background is that I met my now husband 9 years since and we pretty much fell for each other straight away we were aged 18/19. Neither of us had had a serious relationship before. He was Christian, brought up in a Christian family, I was very much the opposite.
I slowly came to faith over the following 4-5 years. I would say I fully gave myself to Christ about 4 years ago, at the time we were living at opposite ends of the country and this was very much my own decision, though I felt incredibly supported by my then boyfriend and best mate. Knowing Christ has fully changed every aspect of my life and who I am. I changed a lot. The only area where this caused friction between us was in that I was uncomfortable to engage in some sexual contact which we had previously.
A few years later we married. This was wonderful! I felt I was living a fairytale dream!!! For work reasons we had to live the first year apart but still spent as much time together as possible. Then I moved up to be with him. I was desperate to become pregnant. I asked my husband when he would agree for me to stop taking contraception. He agreed and when we had lived together for only a few months I became pregnant.
This is when things started to go wrong. I had awful 'morning' (it wasnt just the morning) sickness and was generally exhausted. Our sex life dwindled, I think mainly because I was nauseaous the entire time, but my hubbie was so very caring and understanding. I can't remember when it first came up but the first thing I knew that something was wrong was when he kept saying that he wasn't ready to have a baby- things he still needed to do wanted to live abroad etc. This is where I know I reacted in the most awful way, but I just was not able to deal with it and I basically told him he had to get over it and it was happening. This put a big distance between us, it was the first time we were not really very close. The same conversation continued throughout the pregnancy and usually resulted in us both very upset.
I was not generally well in the pregnancy and so was not a very sociable being for my hubbie. I encouraged him to go out with other friends and go and stay nights over with friends and have nights out- I just wanted him to have a good time. What I was completely ignorant to was that he was gradually becoming more depressed, and the only way he was managing to cope was by going out and drinking a lot.
Our adourable little boy was born later that year and we are both completely besotted with him. During the newborn days I felt quite unsupported, consequently we argued lots. I also was shocked at how soon after the delivery (forceps!) my beloved expected sex! (he was there!!). I think these things are probably the same with all first time parents. What I wasn't prepared for was how low my husband became. When our son was about 4 months he told me a lot of what had gone on that I was not aware about the major things of this were that he had become so low he had actually attempted to take his own life, and also that he had formed a very meaningful relationship with another woman, they had slept together twice when he was drunk.
I am utterly in shock at what I have done to him and how I have treated the man that I love so dearly that this has happened. I completely hold nothing against him. Though what hurts more is that I know he holds much resentment against me, he completely feels that I have ruined his life, exciting plans things he wanted to do. Mainly what he feels so bitter about seems to be that I have not provided him with a wonderful sex life (our baby is still only 6 months).
Things feel a bit better now that we are talking openly and he seems undecided whether he wants to stay together or not. He talks about his expectations that we will have to meet to help him get over it. And while I would like to agree without a second thought, they are things that I am not sure I could cope with- for example he wants us to emigrate and all my family I love so dearly are here.
Any wise thoughts are so much appreciated
x
I wonder if you can help me!!
Looking through what people have posted on here it seems like in comparison what I have to deal with is very minor in comparison, but I am very much struggling, any wisdom would be appreciated.
The background is that I met my now husband 9 years since and we pretty much fell for each other straight away we were aged 18/19. Neither of us had had a serious relationship before. He was Christian, brought up in a Christian family, I was very much the opposite.
I slowly came to faith over the following 4-5 years. I would say I fully gave myself to Christ about 4 years ago, at the time we were living at opposite ends of the country and this was very much my own decision, though I felt incredibly supported by my then boyfriend and best mate. Knowing Christ has fully changed every aspect of my life and who I am. I changed a lot. The only area where this caused friction between us was in that I was uncomfortable to engage in some sexual contact which we had previously.
A few years later we married. This was wonderful! I felt I was living a fairytale dream!!! For work reasons we had to live the first year apart but still spent as much time together as possible. Then I moved up to be with him. I was desperate to become pregnant. I asked my husband when he would agree for me to stop taking contraception. He agreed and when we had lived together for only a few months I became pregnant.
This is when things started to go wrong. I had awful 'morning' (it wasnt just the morning) sickness and was generally exhausted. Our sex life dwindled, I think mainly because I was nauseaous the entire time, but my hubbie was so very caring and understanding. I can't remember when it first came up but the first thing I knew that something was wrong was when he kept saying that he wasn't ready to have a baby- things he still needed to do wanted to live abroad etc. This is where I know I reacted in the most awful way, but I just was not able to deal with it and I basically told him he had to get over it and it was happening. This put a big distance between us, it was the first time we were not really very close. The same conversation continued throughout the pregnancy and usually resulted in us both very upset.
I was not generally well in the pregnancy and so was not a very sociable being for my hubbie. I encouraged him to go out with other friends and go and stay nights over with friends and have nights out- I just wanted him to have a good time. What I was completely ignorant to was that he was gradually becoming more depressed, and the only way he was managing to cope was by going out and drinking a lot.
Our adourable little boy was born later that year and we are both completely besotted with him. During the newborn days I felt quite unsupported, consequently we argued lots. I also was shocked at how soon after the delivery (forceps!) my beloved expected sex! (he was there!!). I think these things are probably the same with all first time parents. What I wasn't prepared for was how low my husband became. When our son was about 4 months he told me a lot of what had gone on that I was not aware about the major things of this were that he had become so low he had actually attempted to take his own life, and also that he had formed a very meaningful relationship with another woman, they had slept together twice when he was drunk.
I am utterly in shock at what I have done to him and how I have treated the man that I love so dearly that this has happened. I completely hold nothing against him. Though what hurts more is that I know he holds much resentment against me, he completely feels that I have ruined his life, exciting plans things he wanted to do. Mainly what he feels so bitter about seems to be that I have not provided him with a wonderful sex life (our baby is still only 6 months).
Things feel a bit better now that we are talking openly and he seems undecided whether he wants to stay together or not. He talks about his expectations that we will have to meet to help him get over it. And while I would like to agree without a second thought, they are things that I am not sure I could cope with- for example he wants us to emigrate and all my family I love so dearly are here.
Any wise thoughts are so much appreciated
x